Happy VD Bitches

So today is St. Valentine's Day. I don't have anyone romantically in my life, so this seemed appropriate.

Laissez les bons temps rouler

This weekend marked Mardi Gras celebrations across the globe, but more importantly, within driving distance to me. I spent the weekend in Nevada City just relaxing and visiting with people I hadn't seen since last year. The ex was disappointed that it seems I got this particular (and the only shared) party in the divorce. He called twice and asked how the party and parade were before he got to the reason he was supposedly calling.

I did not hook up with anyone, and going into the weekend I thought that a distinct possibility. I miss kissing. Really miss it, almost more than sex. At least that was my thinking before the weekend. However, I have now come to the conclusion that the simple and final act of the day of saying good night, and having it said back, right before falling asleep, is what I was missing.

Was up until 3am talking to a dear sweet friend, who's friendship I have truly missed, and those were our final words of the night/morning. she took good care of me emotionally, which is exactly what I needed. This year I am more at peace, and happier than the past few years. I still hit bumps in the road, but I just shrug them off.

No naked people this year - I think it is too cold and we are all past that point in life. We were much more into eating the mini muffeletta appetizers and drinking some seriously strong margaritas.

I love this party and my dear friends.

A bit of stuff floating around in my brain

The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.

I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.

I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.

There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.

Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.

You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.

Register to vote - do it!

July has come and gone

And what have I done this month? I've turned 45, managed to climb out of a 6 week depression with the help of a dear friend and a great therapist. I realized that there are many things I cannot control or change, gained insight into those around me, and took a TON of photos of The Boys' swim team. Oh, I also found a young buck near my house and managed to get a couple of decent shots, a Coopers Hawk, a flock of Turkey, and a cute fuzzy kitten. The non-deer shots were taken on a photo hunt to get the buck, which included hopping 8 fences, and being called a rebel by The Youngest.


Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

What does August hold for me? More soul searching I'm sure, additional boundaries being set, visiting an old friend, and getting ready for the school year. Also I'm sure, additional yearning for adult company, though likely no movement on that front... I'll probably also read some fiction in an attempt to escape reality and continue to weather the pangs of The Boys' difficulties. Swim will end, Football will begin and clothes shopping will happen. My schedule really is dictated by those around me, and I will attempt to reclaim at least a bit of that. I will continue to photograph, and may even work more on exercising my physical being.

Another trip around the sun

My birthday was at the beginning of the month. I have been in a funk of late, feeling cavalierly dismissed from people's lives. trying to keep my shit together for The Boys and finding that more and more is slipping through the cracks in favor of a life lived in my head. I deserve better than that, as do The Boys. People IRL often ask how I am doing. What do I answer? "fine, surviving, as best as can be expected." What I really feel and think is of little consequence, though I know they are all concerned. I don't want to be a pity project, and I am lonely. I want a person in my life, a partner, butI know I am not ready. I do not want casual encounters. I am too far along in my life's journey for such folly. It would only bring me greater emotional pain that I do not want or need.

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

As the school year winds down, the extra curricular activities ramp up. My weekend actually started on Thursday with a field trip for the overnight camping we do every year with The Boys' class. We had fun, and this was the easiest year for me, as they are both at the age where they know what to do, and I can relax and photograph the nervous first timers. I did end up weeping about missing their teacher most terribly when she moves to Germany at the end of this week. A great adventure for her family, but she has been absolutely in my corner for YEARS, and now, she will be half a world away. I know she will be back, but still. I know that on any given day I have been able to walk into her classroom, and she will wrap me in a hug. I can't hug her for a while, and that makes me sad. Plus, I love that she swears more than me ;-)
Friday - More field trip, a lazy afternoon / evening at the beach, and dinner at my folks. I was wiped out after 2 days in the great outdoors, but did manage to sleep.
Saturday - no sleeping in as The Boys had football evaluations mid morning, and I had to get a graduation card for a party later that night. Spent the afternoon with some friends whom I hadn't seen in over a year as they are primarily friends of The Dude (since middle school), and I didn't want to disrupt the support they can provide for him, for which I am no longer responsible. Found out that The Dude is now living with his girlfriend, and her two kids. I don't know her, have never met her, and The Dude wants The Boys to spend the night. The Dude sent a forwarding address e-mail (not to me). Also found out that his version of events is vastly different than mine - which came as no surprise at all. Went to the graduation party of another longtime friend of The Dude's daughter and it was awkward, answering questions about The Dude and his well being for grandparents that do not know what is going on. Also had to answer those same questions from The Dude's step brother, whom we saw early in the day. Just a rough day overall.
Sunday - Another going away for the teacher moving to Germany. This one not as emotional because of the crowd assembled, and I don't know many of them very well. This was followed by the annual beginning of swim season BBQ with the swim team. Had to answer more questions there when The Dude came to pick up The Boys and take them to his girlfriend's house. I flat out asked, and he admitted that they are more than friends, and I said I want to meet her, if The Boys would be spending time with her and her kids. I honestly have nothing against her, and I hope they have a long and happy life together. I hope she is better able to weather all of the things I know are coming. I also hope she realizes that all of the time The Dude spends with her and her kids means that he is not spending that time with his own children. I can't protect her, and I can only wish her well. Also talked to D after reading an e-mail she is thinking of sending to her husband's mistress. I advised against it, only because of the venomous anger laced throughout. I love D, and I want her to be happy. I think she needs to deal with some of the issues she's been ignoring so that she can more effectively battle her cancer. I want her to be here for a much longer life.
I hope you all have a wonderous week!