Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

This was an insane weekend:

Thursday
Yes it started on Thursday because that is the day I was moving furniture. Corky's Dad went into ICU with various health issues with his lungs. As an elderly person, these things happen, but they are still difficult to handle when it is your own parent. In anticipation for a new bed delivery on Friday, I had to move my bed to The Oldest's room. We moved his futon to the garage on Tuesday afternoon and he "cleaned" his room and slept on the floor. I finished actually cleaning his room, took apart my bed and moved it to his room. I also moved a couple of heavy pieces of furniture in his room to make the bed fit. I put everything back together in his room to be able to sleep.

Friday
Got up early and began cleaning my room and vacuuming and moving furniture. I had to empty the two pieces of furniture to move them, and then put them back together. Dropped The Youngest and a friend at school, picked up programs for Saturday's Crab Feed, and tried to also pick up extra raffle tickets for the same event, but every place that sells raffle tickets wasn't yet open. Waited at home for the new bed delivery, and they arrived about 10 minutes after the window for delivery started. They were finished in about 30 minutes, and I had only had about an hour before work meetings, not enough time to buy bedding and raffle tickets. Had a couple of meetings for work lasting about 3 hours, and tried to go out for bedding again, only to be derailed by needing to meet one of the treasurers at the bank to get the final checks and cash for the crab feed. By the time that was finished, the crab feed chair person wanted to meet to transfer the cash and checks in about 45 minutes. Still not enough time to get bedding, and there was no way I was leaving that kind of cash in my car while I shopped. So I went back home and worked for a while. Went to the school to meet the chair person, who was running late. By the time that was over, I had about 30 minutes before school got out. Ran and quickly got the raffle tickets, came back and picked up The Oldest and took him to gather the bedding. Luckily, I was able to find satisfactory bedding at the first stop, and was in and out in 20 minutes. The Oldest wanted to get his iPad from his father's, so off to that town, had to gas up my car, and got back to pick up The Youngest about 10 minutes after he got out. As I was pulling up, got a text from bf saying she was in The Oldest's science classroom, and the teacher told her that The Oldest was doing badly in class. WHY the teacher thought that appropriate to share with anyone OTHER than me or the ex, I have no idea. So, I sent in The Oldest to talk to her. Turns out his lab plan was crap - which I already knew and had fought him about on Monday. Didn't get home until 5:00, only to find out that bf and her son were on their way to my house so her son and The Oldest could finish their science project. No thought on ANYONE's part about when it would be more convenient for me, no. My desires and needs once again thrown by the wayside and they were here until 7:15. There were hints that they wanted to have dinner here, but I did not bite because I was pissed off. I really did not want them at the house at that time, and the longer it went on, the angrier I was getting. I did manage to feed The Boys and sit with them for dinner, put the bedding in the wash and get it turned around and on the bed before Corky got back from the hospital at 8:00. I was physically and mentally exhausted, and after getting The Boys to bed and talking to Corky about her pop, I just wanted to sleep in my new bed.

Saturday
Corky let me sleep in until about 8:30, by which time The Boys were up. Corky wanted them to do homework before any other activity, so I was up and writing homework on their white boards, and arguing about missing assignments and homework and grades. All I wanted was some alone time with Corky, a quiet and relaxing morning, and instead I got arguments with The Boys and more stress about schoolwork and tutors and grades. Looking at my level of stress and the feeling like I just can't catch a break on anything. I get resistance to homework from both The Boys and the ex, I have tutors working with The Boys, and there is little to no improvement, and every time I try to have intimate time with Corky, there is some obstacle to that. Left the house to work the crab feed for the next 10 hours. I helped set up, greet people, serve food and check out auction winners. It was a LONG day, but the crab feed itself was a HUGE success and fun. All of the volunteers who were there were super flexible and dedicated to making the event run smoothly. The chairperson for the event did a fantastic job. The High School PFSO tried recruiting me, but I held fast that I still have 2 years after this one on the middle school PFC. While I was gone, Corky hung out with The Boys, the ex picked up The Youngest for an indoor soccer game, and didn't return him until 11:30pm. Got home after midnight, went to bed, but was too wound up to sleep, and tossed and turned all night. Also was really emotional and weepy for a while before falling asleep.

Sunday
Was up by 7, and logged into work by 8 because it is a major software release weekend, and I am supposed to help the person monitoring the release. Only I was not told until Friday that expectation, and there was no way I could be on the chat room by 4:30am my time... Spent all day and night monitoring the chat room and just seeing what was going on. The Youngest slept in and then went to a friend's to run Lacrosse drills. The Oldest fought with me over homework and practiced music. Corky went to visit her dad. I was still fairly weepy from lack of rest. Corky made all of my meals and I am grateful for her and her ability to know exactly what I need and when. The Boys watched Grease after dinner and showers and I watched the chat room some more while dealing with an eye twitch I'd had all day. I'm tired, and my throat is scratchy. Tonight I look forward to sleeping a full night, which is possible for the release finished at 8:45. Looks like she wants me to send some communications and track some issues to resolution tomorrow, but I have no clue who to send what info to, and I am not on distribution for most of the things she is getting and then sending to leadership. Monday will be another long day. Of course as a salaried person, I do not get overtime for working 12+ hours today, though my boss may give me some comp time. We'll see.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

No rest for the weary. No break from stress either.

Friday
Picked up kids from school, got home and had them doing homework rather quickly (this was not without the usual fights over "why?!" and "This is dumb!" and "I already did that". The last, when followed up with my desire to check said completed work is always met by, "God, you are so mean! why do you have to check everything!" and finding out that it was not yet even started. The exhausting arguing lasted all evening. The arguing also included Corky stepping in to tell The Boys when to pick their stuff up, and getting me involved for each and every infraction. I have a fundraiser coming up (that I am not the chair for, but as PFC President, there is still responsibility on my shoulders) and we are sorely needing volunteers. I am hitting up every possible angle for this, and still people are sitting on their hands. Last week the stress was ticket sales, this week it's volunteers. I'm sure next week will be something else entirely.

Saturday
The day started with arguments over homework and housework. One of The Youngest's friends came over to hang out in the afternoon (after The Youngest finished all chores and homework, even if the homework was so hastily and sloppily done that I had him send it to his teacher to proof read on Monday). Also along was my VP who was able to effectively talk me off of a cliff, AND take on additional responsibilities so that I don't have to do quite as much as I have been all year. At lease I am reassured that it is obvious to all others involved that I am doing the lion's share of the work, without the help of my co-president. Once they left it was the mad rush to finish prepping for my parents' visit and dinner. Sweeping, mopping, putting a meatloaf together and in the oven, peeling and boiling potatoes and washing and chopping Swiss chard. Dinner was nice, my mom did not criticize a single thing. My dad laughed and complimented the food (as did mom). The Oldest made the meatloaf, and Corky and I the sides. I also made icebox cake for dessert, which I hardly ever make because one of the ingredients are not readily available year round. My mom was surprised about my draconian screen time and bedtime rules, but she also has no idea what kind of trouble The Boys have gotten themselves into on screens, so I didn't get into it. We finished the evening with showers and bed because I was wiped out.

Sunday
Woke up EARLY with an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea - bleh. Woke up again a bit early, but not bad. Corky wanted to play, but I can't really have the level of intimacy I want because she is still sick, and I really absolutely must remain healthy. So I made sure she enjoyed herself, but I feel myself pulling away. I enjoy bringing her pleasure, but it isn't the same and I don't know if it is because we have not been able to be intimate in the way I enjoy, or if the constant demands of tidiness around the house puts unrealistic demands on me as a lackadaisical housekeeper, and sticks me in the middle of the arguments with the boys about their lack of tidiness. But I am just tired of everything. I am trying to de-stress on my own, but there is always some other demand on my time, attention, emotion or all of the above that leaves me feeling empty, without an oasis in sight, and no hope for reprieve.

I am irritable, and premenstrual - also does not help in any way because my luck will be to start my period in time for Corky to be perfectly healthy again, and Valentine's Day, which is our weekend away at Mardi Gras.

This afternoon we were going to take The Boys to the Pinball Museum, but they were closed for a private event. We ended up at an arcade (which was okay, but so crowded, that there was more waiting for an open game than actual play time). We took a break to look at the newsstand where The Boys begged me to buy them $40 worth of books, comics, magazines, junk food each. I offered to buy one comic book or item of food each. The youngest then proceeded to buy himself additional food and comic books... We stopped at one of my favorite shops on the way to the car and they again begged me to buy them stuff every time I turned around. They shadowed me through the store continuing their pleas, while the entire time was me saying"no" repeatedly, until I threatened to make them wait outside. Left for the car and there was more whining about what they didn't get to do or buy and how put upon they were to have to hold a magazine so that I could browse and purchase a pad of paper.

In the car finally and no one wants to go to eat the same food for dinner. The Boys are being intentionally contrary toward each other, so I drove back to my town and by then it was dinner time and they had agreed. When we got to said place, it was PACKED and there was no hope of having anything to eat within the hour. A second destination was picked and there was additional whining because it wasn't the suggestion of The Youngest. I stopped the car until a decision could be made, and by that Point I was hungry and had had it up to my eyeballs.

Got to second destination and the wait was not unreasonable. Ordered food and drinks. Food arrives and mine is cold. not lukewarm, but cold. It had been sitting on the pass through for a nice long time while our waitress sat at a booth visiting with a friend. All I wanted was a hot meal... Sent it back and the manager brought it the second time, another server brought our next round of drinks and the manager who brought the second round meal (which was actually hot) said she'd check back (never happened). The original waitress was asked for drinks (those had to come from another server we flagged down after 20 minutes of the original waitress visiting more with her friend in the booth).

By the time we left I just wanted to cry. I actually still do - typing this out isn't making me feel better, just sad and lonely and alone and like I'm not actually able to be in a relationship. I am difficult to live with when I am under extreme stress (Like now). I feel myself pulling away and not telling Corky when I am upset with her. Sometimes I don't even realize what the actual problem is, I do know that I don't always say when something bugs me.

Earlier this week I started reading a book for an LGBT book club a friend just started. Corky attended the first meeting with me and did not enjoy it. I didn't particularly enjoy it either because it was literally 4 people who already know each other discussing everything but the book we just were picking up. This isn't Corky's thing, and I get it, but I still want to read the book. It is fascinating so far, and I am enjoying it. Corky saw the book on the coffee table and when she realized which book it was and why I had it, she dismissed it as "Oh, that's the book for the stupid book club." and then went on to pooh pooh the club and the leader. I was pissed, but didn't say anything (which I should have because it has colored my entire week). I didn't want her to think she was in the wrong. Her opinion is valid, but her dismissing what I like was hurtful.

Then in bed on Saturday night, she made a remark about my stomach. I am already self conscious about being overweight, but had let my guard down with her because I thought (and still think) she loves my body. But comments like that make me wonder if she'll stick around, and I know how psychologically self destructive those comments are for me. I tend to internalize them and lash out by becoming even heavier (which is really a bad idea). From the age of 10 I have been sensitive about my weight, and the comments that have cut the deepest have come from those I love and respect the most. To have an ex who slept around on me really fucked with my head and heart, and I can feel the walls building up in my relationship and I don't know how to stop them...

Once we got home tonight, Corky needed copies of the medical records for disability, and of course my fucking printer runs out of fucking ink... I did manage to download her x-rays, so she can take the CD with her, and then I tried to fix The Oldest's glasses, took Corky's advice on it, and ended up fucking them seriously up. Finally (after hours) said "fuck it" and paper clipped them together, reinforced by duct tape. A trip to the Optometrist tomorrow after The Boys get out of school. Can't wait to see what this costs me.

This sucks. Tomorrow is Monday and I will be working - on what I have no idea.

Taking refuge in the written word

This has been a hell of a day, in a hell of a week. This week has seen several people who swore they'd help me back out. This week has had my ability to continue to do my job sliced off without so much as a "good luck asshole". During a meeting last night, I agreed to send an e-mail bulletin to the middle school parents begging for volunteers, which I was too tired to do at the time.

Today was what really took the cake though. I was called yesterday by the middle school nurse and asked to work scoliosis screening. I said sure, then asked my boss if I could take the day as my community service day. Since I can literally no longer do my job effectively, she agreed. I forgot I had therapy at 2:00. The screening went until 3:00, and in hindsight, I could have just gone, as there were just a few students left to screen at 1:45. I rescheduled therapy to 5:00, and made a dinner date with Corky. Corky and I have spent hardly any time together this week. She's still sick, and dog and house sat again. I had meetings, The Boys had homework. I was looking forward to a quiet dinner for the two of us. At 2:00 I received a text from the ex asking if I could pick The Boys up from school. I agreed (since I was already there and all). He then said he would let me know later when he would pick them up as his gf is out of town & he was going to be stuck on a job for a while. I let him know I had a 5:00 appointment & he replied that he didn't think he'd be by before then. Brought The Boys home and had them doing homework while Corky hung out and they whined that they would rather do it at their father's. I checked their work, made some corrective suggestions & got in another argument about what the assignment actually was. I sent another text to the ex reminding him that The Oldest was playing with the jazz band during the talent show, and he has the needed shirt. I said I could take The Boys to the gig, but I needed the shirt by 7:00. I left for therapy, where my therapist told me I need to find time to walk, or meditate - basically take better care of myself - and say no more often. On my way back, at 6:00, I sent another text to the ex asking if he was going to be able to make it to my house with the shirt by 7:00 (where he lives is 30 minutes in each direction). He said no, but would try to make the performance. Back home, pile The Boys into the car in a rush, say good-bye to Corky after she said she thought the talent show last year was horrible (and she was angry that our plans were upended). I shook my head and told her not to say that in front of the kids (mostly because that is exactly the reaction the ex has about these things). I bought The Boys fast food for dinner as they hadn't eaten while I was gone (I hate fast food), drove to the ex's and back and stayed at the talent show until it ended at 9:00. I still hadn't sent the e-mail, and I am so grateful that my VP did it for me. By the time I got The Boys showered and in bed it was after 10:00. I am so wiped out and just need to sleep - hopefully not to awaken at 1:15 like last night and stay up for 90 minutes. Sending thoughts to the universe that the morning will sail smoothly.

Not sure if I feel better now having written it all down, but at least it isn't still in my head...

It really has been that kind of week

That week. You know the one. The week you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The one you can't wait to end because you need to reset your mojo.

Let's review
Monday
No school for The Boys - first day of all day homework fights because they did none / told their father they have none. Spent time sending e-mails to various teachers in order to get the assignments that are missing from The Oldest.

Tuesday
No school for The Boys, again homework battles. Received answers to e-mails from yesterday and Both Boys finished all of the work. The youngest had an appointment with a reading specialist because the ex wanted to find out what is going on with him. The specialist came to the same conclusion I had a while ago. The kid needs to read more, and if we find him a genre he likes, he will. Basically he's fine, and needs to actually read. While out, Corky opened the garage door and it broke beyond my capability to repair. Also, it was stuck open, and I was nervous about leaving my house with it in that condition. Called landlord and was told their handyman would call. Sent follow up e-mail with pictures to say that I have never heard from nor seen this person on the previous instances when repairs were needed, and I would be happy to have it repaired and take the amount off next month's rent. Was called and told he would be here tomorrow afternoon. During the call, landlord said the problem was the spring had broken. I stated that was not the case, what the actual problem was, which was documented in my e-mail, as well as photographed.

Wednesday
Handyman no showed (not surprised), but was stuck at my house all day and had Corky hang there in the evening so I could go to Parent Teacher Conferences. Dun dun duuuuunnnnnn. 2 kids, meeting with 6 different teachers. The comments were in only a couple of threads.
1. The Oldest is brilliant, we wish his grades reflected that.
2. The Oldest spends his class time talking to members of the opposite gender instead of paying attention.
3. The youngest needs to read more which will build his self confidence.

Thursday
Put on my underwear backward and wore it that way all day - half of the day because I didn't realize, the other half because I was too busy to get undressed. Was on work calls form 8-11 in the morning. Called landlord during the short break between calls. He was surprised that handyman no showed, called him and called back 5 minutes later to say he'd be here in an hour. He showed up 15 minutes before I had to leave to drive on a field trip. Locked up and left him at the house to take the jazz band to a gig. got home after dropping the band back at school, and the garage door is now fixed and operational. In the evening we went out. Had a glass of sparkling wine. Got sucked into the vortex of a particularly needy friend who refuses to own who she is... Tiring and Corky felt ignored. Meanwhile, another woman was flirting with Corky...

Friday
Half day for The Boys. Dropped and broke a bottle of Thai peanut sauce in the garage in my search for salad dressing that I swear I bought two weeks ago. Ate the salad anyway because I was famished. The Youngest threw a huge fit because he thought he had a weekend without homework when I reminded him that he still has a MAJOR project due next week, which he has been working on for three weeks already, and while he has done a great job on what he has, he's only about halfway complete, and he needs to give himself the week days to just polish it. It basically has to be complete before he goes to school Monday. You would think I was trying to kill him with a dull spoon for the amount of wailing he was doing. Really. Oscar worthy.

Kep Yer Pecker Up

This saying has become my mantra this week. It hails from my friend's late father who said his every time his teen daughter was down. It always made her laugh, and she still lives by it. I have so many things going on in my life that I can barely catch a breath before the next wave washes over my head. Work reorg has left all of the minions anxious and back stabby. Parent group at middle school has had some relief this week, but still needs immediate attention for additional volunteers. The Boys have caught up on assignments, but need to still make up some work. And now my dad's declining health is stressing me out.

At least today's reason to celebrate is 14 months in a relationship with Corky, and we will be out of town for a couple of days soon. I am hoping that is a long enough break to relax and come back refreshed.

Sadness and Stress

It's that time of year. This is September, and soon will mark the one year anniversary of my dear friend's death. She is never far from my mind, but I really long to hear her laugh, and share stories of our sons. I flat out miss her. Terribly. Today I just let loose and cried. Sadness was the prevalent emotion, but the stress of my current financial situation added to the mix. September also marks the beginning of school and the hemorrhaging of my bank account for school registration and supplies. It is only going to get more expensive too. I am stressing about college already. I am so glad Corky was here. I just needed her to hold me while I cried. I needed the comfort of her arms, and her gentle touch and soothing words.

Monday Morning weekend wrap up

This weekend was a combination of highs and lows.

Friday:
The boys had swim practice and Corky had the day off. She'd spent the previous night, and we slept in our own homes last night. Her roommate is vacationing and Corky is caring for their dog and house. Grocery shopped in the evening and a pasta dinner to carbo load for Saturday. In bed a little early.

Saturday:
Early morning swim meet against the likeliest to best our team. Had a bit of a fall out before the meet when Corky came by and lamented that The Boys don't do enough to help get ready. She's right, I know she is, and I know they should be doing more, but I cannot stand the fighting that happens in the mornings as it is, then to add to that turns my stomach sour. So Corky and I disagreed, which in turn amped up my stress, which then upset her more. It was a cycle I didn't need to get into. We both apologized, and I warned her that I did what I did to make it easier on me. Then on the way to the meet, I talked to the boys about helping more on swim mornings, and they agreed that they could make lunches and pack the car and ice chest while I made the breakfast burritos. Corky came to watch and support The Boys, and I heard a couple of times how awesome the other swim parents think it is that she is there supporting us. I think it's pretty awesome too, and it shows how invested in our family she is. The Oldest swam his personal bests in all of his swims, and earned points for the team while The Youngest swam slower. If I recall correctly, we had this same phenomenon with The Oldest two years ago. As long as they both swim their best, I am good with it. Ran into a mom from school with kids on the opposing team and had a nice chat. Came home and crashed, while Corky was at work and The Boys vegged out. Woke up too warm and still tired and picked up dinner. Finished reading the first two books in Deborah Harkness' trilogy. I'd previously read them, but with the publishing of the final book, I wanted to revisit these worlds. Had a weird dream (previous post).

Sunday:
Had to get the dream out of my brain and written somewhere. Spent the morning back in the world of Daemons, Witches and Vampires. Made a fruit salad, picked up Corky and we headed to a family BBQ. The Boys got to meet the new baby and it was a nice afternoon. Home to veg a bit and Corky returned. We spent some quality time together, and I began cooking dinner. One of the dogs got a hold of the female robin in the backyard and had its neck snapped before we could get in to protect her. Corky thought it might just be in shock, and tried to resuscitate to no avail. We declared the bird deceased amidst many tears and sadness. Corky hates seeing animals hurt. I think it died instantly, but I didn't say so because I didn't want to upset her further. All four of us cried while the dogs looked at us like we were insane. I am sad that a nice day ended in a traumatic way and I hurt for Corky's tender heart. More reading before bed and facing another week of work and swimming.

I hope your week goes well.

Difficult Tasks

There are days that are just difficult to get through. Yesterday was one of those days. It started with good intentions to complete a photo book of a 50th anniversary party I shot earlier in the year. May I recommend not doing this while also trying to wade through the emotional quicksand of a deteriorating marriage. Putting the photos together was fine. The problem and emotions came up while searching for quotes on long lasting love. What I found was a treasure trove of quotes on WHY people should stay together, and how marriages have good and bad, and how the longest ones are with people who overlook the problems. It was stuff I already know, but to have an overwhelming amount of information, and still realize that no matter how many times I chose to stay, he did not. It had me crying into my keyboard and turned a couple of hours into half a day.
He made a different choice, for his own reasons, and I cannot change that. I had second thoughts about sticking to my guns, and then took a long hot shower. I did some soul searching and came back to the point that I cannot stay in a relationship that has left me feeling so sad and angry and bad. If I were to stay, I would have to let a piece of me die, and that would lead to more of me being sacrificed every time he chose to stray. And then what? What is left at that point? Who am I and what do I become? Is there anything left to emotionally support my boys? My family? My friends?

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

This song has been in HEAVY rotation in my brain and ipod all weekend!!!


Let's do a rundown of the weekend shall we?

Friday - worked in the morning, and on meetings :-P Then worked in the classroom with 4th and 5th graders on One Point Perspective. They did really well, but it is interesting to see what they get hung up on, mostly it was translating a three dimentional space onto a two dimentional medium. We took them out to the lanes on the blacktop and brought a ball so that they could witness that things look smaller when they are further away from the viewer, and two parallel lines look like they will converge on a single point. Then we did a step by step for one point perspective, leading them though the terms and the drawings. I think I'll go get some t-squares or speed squares before we move to two point perspective, so as not to completely blow their minds. After that, we will move to negative space, and then to still life in various mediums. OK, enough on my geeky artsy teachery stuff... Had a Happy Hour Playdate with only one of my friends and her kids, and it was totally cool. I made the drinks way too stiff, but still good, and we got to hang out and decompress, which rocked!

Saturday - was planning a mellow day, watching soccer games of a couple of nephews and hair cuts for The Dude and The Boys, and then laundry and cleaning house. Ended up out of the house ALL DAY, talking S off of a cliff when confronted with the reality that has been in place for years, but only newly revealed to her. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, and it will take her a while to unlearn the behaviors that pull her into the drama she doesn't need. She needs lifelines, and I am one of those, and happy to help in any way I can.
This is her theme song right now:


Sunday - worked a 3 hour shift at the snack shack, and then laundry and cleaning, washing the dogs, and grocery shopping. Also talked to M, who had a hundred questions about yesterday. Emotionally drained from the whole thing and having to navigate through the pain and hurt and anger to actual tools useful in interactions with the very people who have hurt you.

Thank-you to the Universe

On Monday I had a REALLY crappy day. All around BS from The Dude, work, parents at The Boys' school - you name it, it was all hitting the fan. I was angry as all hell, and ended up writing 10 pages of brain dump in my journal before bed. I woke up on Tuesday with a completely jacked up neck and shoulders and feeling like I hadn't released my anger from the day before. There was a bright spot during my day - having lunch with two good friends.
I awoke to one of my daily affirmations - you can sign up to receive these, and mostly they just make me refocus on happiness, and my long term goals, but occasionally one hits the nail so greatly on the head that it becomes an a-ha moment. The Oprah kind:

not the 80's pop band kind:


This was the message that greeted me from The Universe:
By the way, dear Jeannine, the world doesn't need fixing.

Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Then I visited my friends around the Internet, Mark had an especially fitting post, which you can read here.
Well then - I suppose The Universe is really trying to tell me something. That I am unhappy in all of these things because I choose to be and/or, I am unhappy with myself for some of these things as well... Back to self reflection, navel gazing and over processing...

Oh and then today, this was put up - FINALLY a new post that made me truly laugh out loud AND cry with laughter. All this, AND Naked Jen is in town - I need to go eat with her and that involves Saturn Cafe and FLTs....  I'm drooling already!

Boy, oh Boy is it shaping up to be a Looooooong summer

This was my day yesterday - officially day 2 of summer break for The Boys. The day started OK - my work day looked like this:

Leaving me little time to do anything for The Boys.

The Dude took them to swim practice, as I'd unsuccessfully tried to obtain wifi at the pool the day before.
Once home from swimming, they were all worn out and The Dude napped while I was on conference calls, and that is when the shenanigans took place. Following my calls, I emerged into the house to a weird smell. great. But it was a chemical smell, not a gross smell, so I thought it might actually be cologne, or something equally harmless. I entered the living room to 2 "cat that ate the canary" looks.
The following exchange took place:
I asked, "What's that smell?" The Oldest replied with a shrug, the youngest just ignored the question.
J9 (more emphatically and likely sounding more angry): Really, What's that smell?
The Oldest - another shrug
The Youngest - still silently ignoring the request
J9 (Now pissed off and moving to turn off the TV): WHAT. IS. THAT. SMELL?!?!
The Oldest: What smell?
The Youngest: I don't smell anything.
J9 (gesturing to the air): This smell, the smell that is NOT what our house normally smells like - THAT smell!
The Oldest (removing a can of hairspray from behind him): Well, I accidentally sat on this.
J9: Accidentally? You expect me to believe that you ACCIDENTALLY sat in the recliner, on a can of HAIRSPRAY that was no where near the recliner earlier?! Really?
[I must state that at this point what flashed though my brain was, "Oh dear God, he's going to be one of those people that show up on RN reports as having "accidentally" sat on a vibrator or something.]
The Oldest - shrugged again.
J9: Just so you know, this is hair spray, not air freshener. When you spray it all over the house, it makes everything sticky, thereby creating more cleaning work in the house. Also, it's poisonous for people and animals. To. Your. Room.
At this point The Youngest decides to chime in. I cut him off and went back to work.
Minutes Later, The Dude (from the bedroom): What's on Augie's fur? - Augie is the Mini Daschund puppy.
Upon emerging from the office again and seeing Augie walk by, I scooped him up and carried him to the living room, calling for The Oldest to join us.
J9 (to The Boys): What is on Augie's fur?
The Oldest: I dunno
The Youngest - again ignoring the question.
J9: I Asked, WHAT is on Augie's fur?
The Oldest: Where?
Mind you, this is a dog that is less than 18 inches long, so there isn't much examination needed...
J9 (presenting the dog to The Oldest): Here. On His Back. See? From his collar, to halfway down his back.
The Oldest (likely thinking it better to come clean at this point as I'm sure my face was red): Deodorant.
J9: DEODORANT?!?!?! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU PUT DEODORANT ON THE DOG?!
The Youngest: Well, he did it. (Likely story)
J9: SERIOUSLY! Deodorant is poisonous to a small dog like Augie, if he licked his back he will get sick. Deodorant is for people, NOT DOGS!
At this point, The Dude comes out and asks where they got deodorant. I interrupted to say I'd bought some at the store, and hadn't had a chance to put it away yet. I'm sure he was thinking none of this would have happened if only I'd put it away. Not true, but worth thinking about.
I sent The Oldest back to his room, where he wailed like we were beating him. Decent performance, but not Oscar worthy.
I got out towels and washed, partially dried the dog and handed him over to The Dude. The whole time, I was thinking, doesn't this burn animal's skins? Isn't that what the PETA ads are about? Crap! I hope Augie will be okay.
I put away the deodorant.
I found a coffee mug on an end table, and called The Oldest out to ask him about it.
J9: What's in this mug?
The Oldest: Butter for my popcorn.
J9: Put it in the sink please.
After all of this, I got The Boys into their Tae Kwon Do uniforms and drove them to the studio. While they were in class, I walked nearly 3 miles, in an attempt to release some of the stress. It was mostly successful.
When we got home, I made breakfast for dinner - eggs, bacon and toast for The Boys, and toast and celery with Yogurt Blue Cheese for me. The Dude declined dinner.
As I was doing dishes later, I came across the mug of "butter" from earlier, and it didn't look like butter, so I called The Oldest back over.
J9: What is really in the mug?
The Oldest: Deodorant and butter.
J9: I hope you didn't eat the deodorant.
The Oldest: No
J9: Why did you choose to waste the deodorant like this?
The Oldest (with a shrug): I dunno.
At this point I could really only sigh, and ask that they not play with any personal hygiene items, or medications, or chemicals of any kind.
I also need to talk to The Dude about leaving The Boys to their own devices.

Today was better, and easier, and I was able to get decent wifi. And we didn't leave The Boys alone for a moment.

It's likely going to be a Loooooooooong summer.

I need a rant

So this is the deal - I am stressed out beyond belief right now.

At work I found out that the person who is supposed to come help me and was offered the job, had the offer retracted because she is in CA. seriously. It has taken MONTHS to get through the bureaucracy. The ONLY other applicant who was equally qualified is also in CA. Now it's back to the drawing board with more MONTHS before I can get ANY HELP WHATSOEVER.

I'm fried. done. I was working insane 12-14 hour days just so this person wouldn't have a backlog to wade through, but now? Now I don't particularly give a flying fuck. My backlog will continue to grow because of the way the team is being run, so I guess the importance of what I do will have to be escalated to leadership so that they can do something about it. My current backlog puts me 7-8 weeks behind in immediate responses, so if anyone wants a process audit, they go to the bottom of the list, to be completed much later this Summer.

This doesn't even touch on how this makes all of the CA workforce feel in regard to opportunity, and whether they will be cut first. I think the writing is on the wall.

I'm taking the next 2 days off of work to take The Boys on their annual class camping trip - it will be nice to not be anywhere near a computer, but the trip has it's own stresses. I had to pack the car tonight because we leave at the beginning of the school day tomorrow. The nice part is that the kids run it all - they put together the menu, do all the shopping (with their teachers), plan who does what and when, set up all the tents, and clean it all up at the end. I set up a chair and watch. I did agree to lead a group in the hike tomorrow, but only if another parent came with me as a co-leader. It's fun to see all the new parents with their own stresses about the trip, and to know that they will come out the other side having enjoyed it immensely.

The Boys have started swim practice and their first meet is in 10 days... There is stress associated with swim team as well - political jockeying mostly.

No clue what I will be doing with The Boys over Summer break. I am hoping The Dude can take a class that coincides with swim practice so he can take them and I can work. Otherwise, I may be on calls while at the college and The Boys are in the pool. I hear the science building has the best WiFi, so I'll give it a shot.

I'm tired and have a LONG and BUSY day tomorrow, but I feel better after the brain dump, so maybe now I can sleep.

I don't want to forget that I have a GREAT frugal post coming, just haven't been able to sit and type it all out!

Wow, a week already?

From J9 and stuff

It's been a week since I last posted, and still trying to dig myself out of work hell, and I know it will all get done eventually, but painful and stressful in the short term. My photography class is going fairly well, and I'll add some shots I've taken over the last week, as soon as I process those, which will be after work, and after the kids are driven everywhere they need to go, and after homework is done and everyone is in bed... That is how my week has gone, along with Baseball, and Tae Kwon Do. I have to stay up past midnight just to have me time. I was wanting to go to Santa Cruz today and photograph the 420 celebration, but alas and alack I couldn't justify taking a vacation day to do so. I do need a day at the beach, and soon. Just to unplug and listen to the waves, smell the sea air, and feel the sand between my toes. Sigh.

So what's up

This week has been rather shitty. One of The Boys' friends lost his father to cancer. I feel betrayed by my love, and my head is spinning. I'm not eating right, not sleeping well, have a headache, and don't know what to do. It's open fucking enrollment for benefits at work, so I have to be able to analyze the 6 health care choices, and pick what's right for us all, while realizing that the Optomotrist I've been seeing SINCE COLLEGE, is not on the new vision plan for work, which will cost me an arm and a leg to continue to see (pun intended). So now I can go to Sears eye center... I need to see my chiropracter (also not covered by my health benefits). There are only 78 shopping days left until Christmas, and I have The Oldest's Birthday before then. Work is draining, the PTA meeting from last night was tense - and 3 hours long. Halloween Fun Night is right around the corner, and I'm getting more stressed out as the days go on. My budget tracking is still hit or miss, though more hit than miss. On the bright side (really, is there one today?) I am continuing to lose weight, which I have been working on doing since the beginning of August. The Boys are doing well in Soccer and Theater, and we are all relatively healthy. I am still grateful for my life - the good, the bad, and the really ugly. I'm happy I live with boys because I don't think I could take girl drama on top of what is going on. Yes even with the potty talk, the fart jokes and the belching, I love The Boys. I also love MDH, though this is a particularly rough patch in our relationship.

And now that I've vented, I feel just a teeny tiny bit better.

Gaaaahhhhhhh

I was really very pissed off today. The Boys had a play date today at a friend's. It is on the complete other side of town (30 minutes away), and I was a bit hesitant about them being there without the parents, though the grandma was there. And I've had issues with this family previously on boundary setting, and letting the kids run amok with no supervision, all over their development. So I was VERY clear with all the kids and the grandma that I DID NOT approve the boys to go swimming. My boys are good swimmers, but given the family history of little supervision, I was not comfortable with it. Not. At. All. Of course when I came back for the kids, no one answered the door, so I walked to the pool where I found the boys, no grandma in sight. Then I got meltdowns and out right ignoring when I told them to get out of the pool. I'd been there for about 5 minutes before the grandma reappeared, shrugging and looking only mildly sheepish. Because she speaks limited English, I could only convey my anger through my eyes. I FINALLY got the boys out of the pool and changed into their uniforms for TKD. That is the last time they will be playing at that house. Ever. I talked to the boys on the way to TKD about what went so wrong with their decision to ignore completely my direction. If they were going to swim (which I was assured was NOT GOING TO HAPPEN), I would have stayed to watch them. I was told they would be staying in the house, playing board games. This is following last evening's experience with the neighbor kids at the house until I had to send them home at The Boys' bed time. The parents never once came to ask about their kids, or even called them for dinner. And The Youngest fought with the boy. It ended in crying and screaming, and that was the end of their time here. Even tonight, as soon as I pulled into the driveway, they came running over, but I'd had it up to my eyeballs and told them to go home. They have been complaining that I got rid of the junky snack foods. Oh, I'm sorry! When the hell was I put in charge of feeding the neighborhood? My snack costs TRIPLED! So now it is only fruits and vegetables, which my kids will eat, but at which the neighbor kids turn up their noses. The other side of it that I do feel bad that they are likely ignored at their own home, but still...
Then I vent to The Dude, and he just says that I made a poor decision to leave the boys at that house. Well, that was helpful and made me feel Soooooooo much better. Thanks. I suppose HE would have gone over and sat with The Boys and their friend, and the grandma? NOOOOOOooooooo, he was not anywhere near volunteering for that!

Sunday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

This was a tiring weekend. Friday at work was tiring. People in general are making me tired. Living with a bipolar person is tiring. the heat tonight is tiring. Well enough about the tiring things, and on to why I am really tired.
Friday was the usual neighborhood kids hanging out in the afternoon and evening. Friday night I went to bed early, on purpose, but The Dog had other ideas. He's 15, and usually a very mellow being, lazing about the house all day and night. Not Friday night, ohhh noooooo, he paced the hallway and our bedroom for 2 hours in the middle of the night, sending The Dude out in case he needed a restroom break, and bringing his water in for him. He FINALLY settled down, and about an hour later I had to get up and use the restroom, and an hour after that, so did The Dude. By Saturday morning I was fried.
Saturday was another swim meet, at the pool I grew up going to, in the neighborhood where my parents still live. The boys had fun, and I was second shift timer partnered with a guy who was a bit of a tool. I replaced the person he was initially partnered with because he complained about her. He also yelled at a bunch of the kids, and at one of our coaches. Really he was kind of a heart attack waiting to happen. I mean really, this is summer league swimming, not the Olympics... It took a great deal of energy just to deal with all of the negative vibes going on. Following the meet I just wanted to come home and relax, but the neighborhood kids hung out for a couple more hours, while The Dude napped. I unpacked the car from the meet and repacked it for the Swim team sleep over. You read that right. Think tent and sleeping bags, swimming, a slide show and movies, BBQ, potluck, dessert, snacks, not much actual sleeping, early morning, bagel and coffee, tear down and repack the car. The Boys had a complete blast with their cousins and friends, and didn't ever want to get out of the pool. In fact the first thing I heard from them this morning was if they could go in the pool. This was at 7:30, after having gone to bed at 11:00.
Got everything torn down and leaned up, and The Boys got to swim for about another 90 minutes before it was getting unbearably hot for me, and I wanted to come home, take a shower and nap. Instead, we got home, I unloaded the car, did dishes and laundry, and The Dude went to work, and napped when he got home. The neighbor kids were back, but only for a short while until The Youngest threw a meltdown fit. The Boys were just as tired as I was, and didn't even want to nap. The Oldest is now on a Queen kick asking me to add We Are The Champions and Bohemian Rhapsody to his ipod. I added a few others I thought he'd like, and we lost him to the ear buds pretty much the rest of the day after that. Pizza for dinner, and I needed another shower to cool off. I just hope everyone sleeps through the night tonight so that I am moderately rested for work tomorrow.

Happy Birthday

To my Evil Twin, Pamela Anderson. We are both 42 today. I wonder what she is doing to celebrate our birthday. I wonder if, like me, she will be shuttling kids around, picking up people at the airport, packing and shopping for a 4th of July water holiday. Is her day going to pass with little fanfare? Is she going to be running around like a chicken with her head cut off, or having a luxurious respite at some swanky spa?
Allow me to elaborate on how I spent my 42nd Birthday:
Left the house to drop off The Boys at Oma and Opa's at about 9:30. Had no gas in my car, and when I went to pay for the gas, found my ATM card expired yesterday. Used the $8 I had on me. Shopped for groceries for a camping trip. While at the store (pretty much smack dab in the middle of said store), got a call from a friend stating his flight just landed (nearly an hour ahead of schedule). This was after The Dude dropped the bomb that I needed to even go to the airport because he had to finish a couple of contracting jobs today, and teach CPR tonight. Finished shopping, picked up The Boys and sent them with my car and shopping partner to her house. Borrowed Oma's car, drove to the airport to pick up friend, and drove him to his home (about 90 miles away). Got back to shopping partners house to find The Boys swimming with her boys - totally cool. Dropped Oma's car off at her house. Went to the bank to order another ATM card, because mine was not at home. Took out cash and filled up my car. While driving by DMV decided to stop and see how bad the lines were, as my license also expired today. The line was at least an hour long and I only had 45 minutes to drop off shopping partner, pick up The Boys, get back home, get them changed, pack up the car and get to their swim meet. Made it, no problem. Sis and I were scheduled both to work first shift, so I traded for 2nd shift with another person, and got The boys to the races on time. The Youngest had me draw a shark on his back, but he only wanted a baby shark! The Oldest agreed to no more writing on his back unless I approve it first. They swam against alot of kids from their class, friends from soccer and baseball, and the kids of a friend of mine whom I have known since the third grade. My Mom and Dad were there, and brought cupcakes, and sang Happy Birthday to me, and then did Happy Birthday in Opera Cat. It's difficult to explain, but at some point I will have The Oldest do it for the camera, and I'll post it here. Everyone had a blast until The Youngest crashed out at about 9:30. They hardly whined or fought, so I knocked down their sit-up balance, and I'm completely pooped! Oh, and I didn't have much chance to eat, except for a couple of snacks and a cupcake. Oh, and The Dude cancelled his CPR class, and forgot about the meet, so I set up and took down all the stuff, with the help of my nephew, sis and bro in law!
And because it's my Birthday too:



And we certainly cannot ever forget this:

Monday Afternoon Weekend Wrap Up

My life has been stressful lately, or I should say more stressful than usual. As I'm sure you are all aware, The Boys have busy lives which involve my transporting them hither and yawn. Over summer they are still taking Tae Kwon Do, and on a swim team. They love both, but it takes a great deal of coordination and time to ensure they get where they need to be when they need to be there.
Thursday was a weird day with Farrah and MJ passing just days after Ed. It was also a day when The Boys' Opa had surgery to remove an adrenal gland. The surgery went well and everyone was confident that he would be home resting by Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, his recovery was not as smooth as expected and he didn't end up coming home until Sunday, but all is good now! What that also means is that I worked from home because Oma was not available to watch The Boys. They swim for 90 minutes every weekday, in the mornings, ususally at the same time as I have meetings at work. The pool has WiFi, so I am able to do actual work from a picnic table poolside, but taking conferrence calls while the background noise is splashing and giggling of little kids is poor form. So I spend swim parctice working, listening to calls, and when I have to say something, quickly running out to the car. The rest of Thursday was spent locked in the playroom/office at home while The Boys continuously whined about wanting to play with neighbors and friends, but those conference calls with kids in the background would still be a problem, so they continued to whine. Thursday Night was Tae Kwon Do, and The Boys are now in the same class, which shaves 30 minutes off of the time they are at the studio on oany given day, AND because they are now together, I have an hour to myself, instead of watching one while the other is in class. This coming week, I'll be walking for that hour, with my camera. Last week, it was all I could do to just get everyone there on time...
Friday is my normal day to work from home, and again with swimming in the morning, hooked to WiFi. The Dude took The Boys to Tae Kwon Do, but that is only because he didn't want to tak them to the swim team carbo load immediately following TKD. So I did some laundry, got caught up on e-mails, and called in a pizza order to pick up on the way. Hung out at the pool while The Boys swam some more and ate pizza. Visited a bit with the other parents and got home right at bed time.
Saturday morning came REALLY early, got all packed up and headed to the swim meet. The Dude drove seperately because he had to work. Just as well since he acts like a hermit with a bad attitude when he is there. I timed the first shift, The Boys swam great, I managed to pack lunches this time, so there was considerably less whinning, and we all had a ton of fun. Both Boys won heats, and their free relay teams came in fist. The oldest decided to have another mom write on his back in sharpie, "I EAT RUBY HILLS". Ruby Hills is the name of the team we swam against, but I think it was a bit of double entendre on his part. Even though he is only 8, he's always loved boobs. Who would write such a thing on another kid's back, something she probably wouldn't write on her own kid? It isn't unusual to have writing on your back if you are on swim team, but usually the words are limitied to "Go Sharks!", or "Eat My Bubbles". Of course The Dude thinks it should say, "Smell My Bubbles." My only reaction upon seeing The Oldest and the writing on his back was, "You are your father's son." I was in no hurry to leave the pool after the meet as everyone had defected early, and traffic was jammed, AND I had to haul all my crap out with only the help of two young boys who whined about having to leave at all. I swear, they'd just as soon live in a tent at the pool and turn into merboys. Spent the late afternoon and evening trying desperately to recover from heat exhaustion. It was only 104, while Sunday was 109.! Ended up in bed at 9:00, and felt WAY better in the morning. Then the news of Billy Mays passing - totally random and weird.
Sunday was my nephew's Birthday Breakfast, with Eggs, Pancakes, English Muffins, Fruit Salad, Juice and Coffee, and his cake was a stack of donut holes - it was the cooles thing! And really the only free slot they had between soccer and baseball that day. It was a fun way to start Sunday! Came home and The Dude wanted a nap, so I took The Boys out back and set up the slip-n-slide. They helped me dye a bunch of shirts that were destined for the rag bag with stains. I'll get photos onece I'm done with the final 2 later today or tomorrow.
Becauser Opa only came home from hospital yesterday, I told Oma that I'd work from home today to give her them a break. Only I forgot that my new laptop was due to arrive this morning. The Dude agreed that he's be home so that I could go into the office at 9:00, and he'd take the boys to swim. He called at 8:45 just when I'd decided that he probably wasn't going to show and was dragging The Boys to my office to tell me that indeed he couldn't make it in time for me to get to the office, but would call me and pick up the Boys for swim. Guess what? he didn't do either, so I got to the office and begged my cube neighbor to sign for and lock up my new laptop. Then I left the office and drove The Boys to swim. I had 3 calls during swim where I had to actually speak, which meant I was running in and out to the car. My dad was there to pick up my nephews, and kept talking to me, which was nice, but didn't help me concentrate on my calls. Also had a call on the way home from swim, and another once I got home. The boys whinned (but not much) about wanting to play with neighbors and freinds. I feel bad that they don't get a real summer like I had a s a kid, but I need my job, or we'd be living in a box, or in a tent at the swim club, which again they'd prefer. I also feel under a great deal of stress in trying to juggle all of this without letting it get to me.

I'm here, but not feeling it

It was a very tough week for me emotionally. I've been feeling left out and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm really getting tired of being the peacemaker and go between. I'm also tired of being completely and nearly solely responsible for many of the things in my life. I had a mental breakdown on Wednesday, which is not nearly as fun as a Foggy Mountain Breakdown... It had me bawling, and not the sad, movie type crying, but the let it all hang out sobbing, or as Oprah calls it - The Ugly Cry. By Thursday I felt a bit better, but still held under the weight of it all being just too much. Thursday night, I went out with some friends to Shecky's, drank too much between the pre-event, event itself and post-event, and had a killer hangover on Friday which didn't clear until almost 10:30. I really have to remember that I don't drink much or often, and I am decades past two week, Buffett inspired benders. Almost had another crying jag at the pre-event happy hour when a friend said that she and another friend needed to just come over and drag me out of the house because she was feeling like I needed more breaks than I get. She's right, and she was also right in knowing that I would not just up and pop over to one of their houses for a break. Re-realized that as neurotic and over thinking as I am, and as crappy of a self-image I have had in the past, that I am much more secure than many of the other people I know. I guess it comes from years of event driven therapy ;-) Had a weird dream Friday morning, not weird in a weird, creepy or scary sense, but weird in the I've never had that type of dream before. And no it wasn't a sex dream - I've had plenty of those! I woke up and wrote in my journal about the emotional support I am not receiving in RL, and how that likely translated into why I had the dream I had. I have too many people I know IRL reading this blog to actually post what the dream was about, which bothers me on a whole other level. I wanted to make this a record of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still finding myself editing what is here in consideration of how much shit I will get because of who I am, and because I'm honest about what is going on. SIGH. I'm getting to the tipping point on giving a rat's ass about what the hell ANYONE thinks about me, my family or my life.

Missed out on a couple of Photo Challenges, and actually did a shoot for money earlier in the week. Also almost complete with the edits to the wedding book I've been working on. It involved photo shop and adding a few pages, finding lyrics and ensuring page layouts were good. Almost ready to go to print! What I did shoot last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

And because it actually cheered me up:

I've been gone a while

And have been horribly remiss in my participation in other blogs. Today alone, I took a training call at 7:00 then at 9:00 drove 2 other adults and 5 kids to the San Francisco Symphony, then the same 2 adults, and 4 of the kids to the SF Bay Model in Sausilito (I didn't lose one kid, he's a kindy and needed to go back), then drove them back to school arriving at 4:00 which is an hour and ten minutes past when they actually get out of school. It was a great field trip, but that many kids in the car was too much! At first it was boys in the way back and girls in the middle row, and I switched to one each on the way home, and it was still a loud zoo! I wanted them all to fall asleep, but no such luck! Then it was home, quick snack and off to Tae Kwon Do until 6:00, then cooked a fast dinner of stir fry. The Dude had put on the rice while I was gone. Dinner, reading, relaxing, the boys to bed, and now I get to see what all I missed at work today! ACK! And then I wonder why I have high blood pressure.

I have been continuing to read your blogs, but have found no inspiration to comment, or be remotely witty. I just want to veg, but I will be back at it again tomorrow!