Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

No rest for the weary. No break from stress either.

Friday
Picked up kids from school, got home and had them doing homework rather quickly (this was not without the usual fights over "why?!" and "This is dumb!" and "I already did that". The last, when followed up with my desire to check said completed work is always met by, "God, you are so mean! why do you have to check everything!" and finding out that it was not yet even started. The exhausting arguing lasted all evening. The arguing also included Corky stepping in to tell The Boys when to pick their stuff up, and getting me involved for each and every infraction. I have a fundraiser coming up (that I am not the chair for, but as PFC President, there is still responsibility on my shoulders) and we are sorely needing volunteers. I am hitting up every possible angle for this, and still people are sitting on their hands. Last week the stress was ticket sales, this week it's volunteers. I'm sure next week will be something else entirely.

Saturday
The day started with arguments over homework and housework. One of The Youngest's friends came over to hang out in the afternoon (after The Youngest finished all chores and homework, even if the homework was so hastily and sloppily done that I had him send it to his teacher to proof read on Monday). Also along was my VP who was able to effectively talk me off of a cliff, AND take on additional responsibilities so that I don't have to do quite as much as I have been all year. At lease I am reassured that it is obvious to all others involved that I am doing the lion's share of the work, without the help of my co-president. Once they left it was the mad rush to finish prepping for my parents' visit and dinner. Sweeping, mopping, putting a meatloaf together and in the oven, peeling and boiling potatoes and washing and chopping Swiss chard. Dinner was nice, my mom did not criticize a single thing. My dad laughed and complimented the food (as did mom). The Oldest made the meatloaf, and Corky and I the sides. I also made icebox cake for dessert, which I hardly ever make because one of the ingredients are not readily available year round. My mom was surprised about my draconian screen time and bedtime rules, but she also has no idea what kind of trouble The Boys have gotten themselves into on screens, so I didn't get into it. We finished the evening with showers and bed because I was wiped out.

Sunday
Woke up EARLY with an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea - bleh. Woke up again a bit early, but not bad. Corky wanted to play, but I can't really have the level of intimacy I want because she is still sick, and I really absolutely must remain healthy. So I made sure she enjoyed herself, but I feel myself pulling away. I enjoy bringing her pleasure, but it isn't the same and I don't know if it is because we have not been able to be intimate in the way I enjoy, or if the constant demands of tidiness around the house puts unrealistic demands on me as a lackadaisical housekeeper, and sticks me in the middle of the arguments with the boys about their lack of tidiness. But I am just tired of everything. I am trying to de-stress on my own, but there is always some other demand on my time, attention, emotion or all of the above that leaves me feeling empty, without an oasis in sight, and no hope for reprieve.

I am irritable, and premenstrual - also does not help in any way because my luck will be to start my period in time for Corky to be perfectly healthy again, and Valentine's Day, which is our weekend away at Mardi Gras.

This afternoon we were going to take The Boys to the Pinball Museum, but they were closed for a private event. We ended up at an arcade (which was okay, but so crowded, that there was more waiting for an open game than actual play time). We took a break to look at the newsstand where The Boys begged me to buy them $40 worth of books, comics, magazines, junk food each. I offered to buy one comic book or item of food each. The youngest then proceeded to buy himself additional food and comic books... We stopped at one of my favorite shops on the way to the car and they again begged me to buy them stuff every time I turned around. They shadowed me through the store continuing their pleas, while the entire time was me saying"no" repeatedly, until I threatened to make them wait outside. Left for the car and there was more whining about what they didn't get to do or buy and how put upon they were to have to hold a magazine so that I could browse and purchase a pad of paper.

In the car finally and no one wants to go to eat the same food for dinner. The Boys are being intentionally contrary toward each other, so I drove back to my town and by then it was dinner time and they had agreed. When we got to said place, it was PACKED and there was no hope of having anything to eat within the hour. A second destination was picked and there was additional whining because it wasn't the suggestion of The Youngest. I stopped the car until a decision could be made, and by that Point I was hungry and had had it up to my eyeballs.

Got to second destination and the wait was not unreasonable. Ordered food and drinks. Food arrives and mine is cold. not lukewarm, but cold. It had been sitting on the pass through for a nice long time while our waitress sat at a booth visiting with a friend. All I wanted was a hot meal... Sent it back and the manager brought it the second time, another server brought our next round of drinks and the manager who brought the second round meal (which was actually hot) said she'd check back (never happened). The original waitress was asked for drinks (those had to come from another server we flagged down after 20 minutes of the original waitress visiting more with her friend in the booth).

By the time we left I just wanted to cry. I actually still do - typing this out isn't making me feel better, just sad and lonely and alone and like I'm not actually able to be in a relationship. I am difficult to live with when I am under extreme stress (Like now). I feel myself pulling away and not telling Corky when I am upset with her. Sometimes I don't even realize what the actual problem is, I do know that I don't always say when something bugs me.

Earlier this week I started reading a book for an LGBT book club a friend just started. Corky attended the first meeting with me and did not enjoy it. I didn't particularly enjoy it either because it was literally 4 people who already know each other discussing everything but the book we just were picking up. This isn't Corky's thing, and I get it, but I still want to read the book. It is fascinating so far, and I am enjoying it. Corky saw the book on the coffee table and when she realized which book it was and why I had it, she dismissed it as "Oh, that's the book for the stupid book club." and then went on to pooh pooh the club and the leader. I was pissed, but didn't say anything (which I should have because it has colored my entire week). I didn't want her to think she was in the wrong. Her opinion is valid, but her dismissing what I like was hurtful.

Then in bed on Saturday night, she made a remark about my stomach. I am already self conscious about being overweight, but had let my guard down with her because I thought (and still think) she loves my body. But comments like that make me wonder if she'll stick around, and I know how psychologically self destructive those comments are for me. I tend to internalize them and lash out by becoming even heavier (which is really a bad idea). From the age of 10 I have been sensitive about my weight, and the comments that have cut the deepest have come from those I love and respect the most. To have an ex who slept around on me really fucked with my head and heart, and I can feel the walls building up in my relationship and I don't know how to stop them...

Once we got home tonight, Corky needed copies of the medical records for disability, and of course my fucking printer runs out of fucking ink... I did manage to download her x-rays, so she can take the CD with her, and then I tried to fix The Oldest's glasses, took Corky's advice on it, and ended up fucking them seriously up. Finally (after hours) said "fuck it" and paper clipped them together, reinforced by duct tape. A trip to the Optometrist tomorrow after The Boys get out of school. Can't wait to see what this costs me.

This sucks. Tomorrow is Monday and I will be working - on what I have no idea.

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

This song has been in HEAVY rotation in my brain and ipod all weekend!!!


Let's do a rundown of the weekend shall we?

Friday - worked in the morning, and on meetings :-P Then worked in the classroom with 4th and 5th graders on One Point Perspective. They did really well, but it is interesting to see what they get hung up on, mostly it was translating a three dimentional space onto a two dimentional medium. We took them out to the lanes on the blacktop and brought a ball so that they could witness that things look smaller when they are further away from the viewer, and two parallel lines look like they will converge on a single point. Then we did a step by step for one point perspective, leading them though the terms and the drawings. I think I'll go get some t-squares or speed squares before we move to two point perspective, so as not to completely blow their minds. After that, we will move to negative space, and then to still life in various mediums. OK, enough on my geeky artsy teachery stuff... Had a Happy Hour Playdate with only one of my friends and her kids, and it was totally cool. I made the drinks way too stiff, but still good, and we got to hang out and decompress, which rocked!

Saturday - was planning a mellow day, watching soccer games of a couple of nephews and hair cuts for The Dude and The Boys, and then laundry and cleaning house. Ended up out of the house ALL DAY, talking S off of a cliff when confronted with the reality that has been in place for years, but only newly revealed to her. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, and it will take her a while to unlearn the behaviors that pull her into the drama she doesn't need. She needs lifelines, and I am one of those, and happy to help in any way I can.
This is her theme song right now:


Sunday - worked a 3 hour shift at the snack shack, and then laundry and cleaning, washing the dogs, and grocery shopping. Also talked to M, who had a hundred questions about yesterday. Emotionally drained from the whole thing and having to navigate through the pain and hurt and anger to actual tools useful in interactions with the very people who have hurt you.

Thank-you to the Universe

On Monday I had a REALLY crappy day. All around BS from The Dude, work, parents at The Boys' school - you name it, it was all hitting the fan. I was angry as all hell, and ended up writing 10 pages of brain dump in my journal before bed. I woke up on Tuesday with a completely jacked up neck and shoulders and feeling like I hadn't released my anger from the day before. There was a bright spot during my day - having lunch with two good friends.
I awoke to one of my daily affirmations - you can sign up to receive these, and mostly they just make me refocus on happiness, and my long term goals, but occasionally one hits the nail so greatly on the head that it becomes an a-ha moment. The Oprah kind:

not the 80's pop band kind:


This was the message that greeted me from The Universe:
By the way, dear Jeannine, the world doesn't need fixing.

Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Then I visited my friends around the Internet, Mark had an especially fitting post, which you can read here.
Well then - I suppose The Universe is really trying to tell me something. That I am unhappy in all of these things because I choose to be and/or, I am unhappy with myself for some of these things as well... Back to self reflection, navel gazing and over processing...

Oh and then today, this was put up - FINALLY a new post that made me truly laugh out loud AND cry with laughter. All this, AND Naked Jen is in town - I need to go eat with her and that involves Saturn Cafe and FLTs....  I'm drooling already!

Dreams

I had Two weird Bee dreams this morning.

In the first, I was in Dublin, at either Frankie, Johnny, and Luigi too, or at the Dublin Heritage Center, and walked over a weedy area (short clover like weeds), when both bees and wasps landed on me. As I was starting to brush them away, the wasps all stung at the same time, five on my left hand and forearm, and one on my right foot. The bees didn't sting at all. I woke up.

In the second dream, a wasp was flying around my bedroom, and flew toward my face, as I was laying in bed. I swatted it away, and it came at me in attack. I tried to throw the blankets over it unsuccessfully and jumped out of bed. That's when I woke up.

Perhaps this is needless to say, but I did not get much restful sleep. It could have been due to my oldest having had a bad dream and climbing into bed with us, which meant I got the middle, and elbows and knees for the rest of the night. And it was definitely coupled with the bee dreams.

So I looked up what this all means here. The dictionary lists them as follows:

Bees
To see bees in your dream, symbolizes wealth, good luck, harmony, and bliss. Bees are also symbolic of hard work and industry as represented by the common phrase "busy as a bee." Alternatively, the dream could indicate all that is happening in your life or something that is buzzing with activity. Is there a lot going on in your life? (seriously? I should have been dreaming about bees all along!)

Wasp
To see a wasp in your dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings. (hmm, can't imagine why)
To dream that you are stung by a wasp, symbolizes growing envy and hatred towards you. (wow!)
To dream that you kill a wasp signifies your fearlessness to ward off your enemies and maintain your ethics and rights. (this would have put my mind at ease, unlike my inability to kill the wasps in my dreams...)

Sting
To dream that you are stung represents some action or remark that has hurt you. You are not letting it show how it has affected you. However, the pain is making its way into your dream scape. Alternatively, the dream may also be a metaphor for being in love.

Left
To dream of the direction left, symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity. (so, I'm being stung/hurt/hated/envied because of my passivity?)

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views. (not sure on this one, as it was only one vs. five stings, so maybe a minor hurt because I am doing the right thing or leaning to the right?)

Going insane - random ranting

So here it is a couple of weeks until Christmas, and I'm wondering how I'm going to survive the holidays, and this time the kids are off for SIXTEEN days. That's 5 more than for Thanksgiving, and I thought my head was going to explode from that. At least I'm taking off 11 of those days, and we can go running around to parks and museums. Also, my In-Laws from Colorado will be in town, and the cousins can all get together and play.

I have kind of accepted the backstabbing from my company. I don't like it, and I'm still crying, but I know what it is, and I need to move on. Found out that at least 200 more people I work with will be off the payroll (corporate speak for laid off) as of mid February. I can't imagine how people are going to survive in this economy, with few job prospects. I don't know how I am going to survive.

Got a call this week from a dear old friend who was recently diagnosed as depressed, and is now on medication. I could tell she needed it the last time we talked and she was not herself. She was bitter, and angry, and negative. It was odd because she has always been very upbeat and positive and vibrant. I'm glad she's getting help, and even more glad that she is feeling like herself these days.

This week Bettie Page died. That made me sad for no apparent reason. I didn't know her personally, but what she did in the face of such opposition opened the door to many of the people who are famous for taking off their clothes (Pam Anderson, my twin being one of those).

Here's Bettie during her heyday:

And my "twin":

I think there is something that draws me to the fringe aspect of fame, bordering on sex workers. I wrote a biography in 5th grade about Sally Stanford. I'm sure Mrs. Willis was started to get that one! I had a poster of Farrah Fawcett in my room at about the same age, and I still have my Mae West poster from college. It used to belong to an aunt. I always thought that being a madam was glamorous, but the reality of sex work is so different from the stylized way it is portrayed in literature and film. I have never been a sex worker, and I feel fortunate to have been able to find jobs that do not rely on my looks or selling my body. I don't know if I have a strong enough self image or psyche for such work. I admire those who have survived, with nothing more than interesting stories, and feel horrible for those who haven't.

Still in need of smiles

Today's:



I had a team meeting today where I cried at least 4 times. I have been second guessing all of my decisions as a supervisor, trying to determine what I could have done differently to protect my team. The team doesn't blame me, but I have a very high standard for myself, and I am very sad about all of this.

I am also looking for a job, but have had a difficult time motivating myself to move on. I'm still grieving.

I will miss my team. They are all very good at what they do, and dedicated to making all of our lives easier. Everyone shares knowledge and information, and we take credit as a group. I give each person kudos for their individual accomplishments, not just to the team, but to leadership.

I guess I'm just sick of corporate politics.

I need something to make me smile

I found this:

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out Once More by Natalie Portman

It did make me smile, which is difficult today. Yesterday, I found out that I and 5 of the 9 members of my team are potentially unemployed as of 4/2/09. I fell horribly for all of us. I have been wondering what I did wrong as a supervisor. Did I not get my team enough visibility? Did I not show the value of what we do? They (the ubiquitous "they" of corporate America) do not see the point in keeping the team, or perhaps even the functions we perform. Yesterday was full of tearful conference calls, and many offers of sympathy. However, the company isn't concerned too deeply, and I have to wonder how the hell some of these folks sleep at night knowing that 2 weeks before Christmas, in this economy, they have likely placed people in harm's way.

I am sick to my stomach thinking of the people who will be out of work, and I am trying to be as positive as possible. I know negative thinking will only provide negative results, but honestly this is difficult.

Today I am updating my resume, and looking for jobs for myself and my employees. I will quote what I noted during the meetings yesterday because I honestly think the people running this circus have NO CLUE what they are doing, and how it affects not only the people working around them, but how it affects their customer base.

Directly from my notes:

blah blah blah

Restructure

blah blah blah

Strategic Sourcing

blah blah blah

Financial Commitment

blah blah blah

175 people will be affected

45% will be offered other positions

From the next meeting where I asked a question I already knew the answer to, in order to determine if anyone in leadership had the balls to tell the truth (which they did not):

blah blah blah

Cycle of Change

blah blah blah

We understand

blah blah blah

There was one nugget of information that did prove to be useful, yet painful. The decision on who were chosen to stay was based on how the supervisors rated and ranked them. Later in the day, during a tearful call, I apologized to my team and told them this fact. Everyone knew where they ranked when that was done, ad that made sense to them all, yet none were happy, including me.