Today I had more good news about The Oldest. In addition to the outstanding musician medal on Saturday, he won a scholarship to a two week band camp over the summer. I am so proud of him and how much effort he's been putting into school and music. I checked his grades and he has all As and Bs. Of course, that good news is tempered by having checked The Youngest's grades. Found out that The Youngest is getting two Ds and an F, mostly due to a HUGE assignment that he has not turned in, despite swearing he would finish it at his Father's and turn it in. Neither happened, and I am not all that surprised, but still I sigh the sigh of disappointment and resignation. I had him finish it tonight, and checked the additional homework before they had showers, during which the computer system used to determine missing and late work went down. It came back up after they were in bed... Of course. I had coffee with a friend who is doing particularly well, and I am happy for her. Also met with the principal of the middle school and outlined my issues with various teachers, as well as the current thoughts of other parents.
Today I also came to the realization that I need to buy all new bedding before Friday, and I'm not sure when I'll have the chance to do so...
Showing posts with label navel gazing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label navel gazing. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up
No rest for the weary. No break from stress either.
Friday
Picked up kids from school, got home and had them doing homework rather quickly (this was not without the usual fights over "why?!" and "This is dumb!" and "I already did that". The last, when followed up with my desire to check said completed work is always met by, "God, you are so mean! why do you have to check everything!" and finding out that it was not yet even started. The exhausting arguing lasted all evening. The arguing also included Corky stepping in to tell The Boys when to pick their stuff up, and getting me involved for each and every infraction. I have a fundraiser coming up (that I am not the chair for, but as PFC President, there is still responsibility on my shoulders) and we are sorely needing volunteers. I am hitting up every possible angle for this, and still people are sitting on their hands. Last week the stress was ticket sales, this week it's volunteers. I'm sure next week will be something else entirely.
Saturday
The day started with arguments over homework and housework. One of The Youngest's friends came over to hang out in the afternoon (after The Youngest finished all chores and homework, even if the homework was so hastily and sloppily done that I had him send it to his teacher to proof read on Monday). Also along was my VP who was able to effectively talk me off of a cliff, AND take on additional responsibilities so that I don't have to do quite as much as I have been all year. At lease I am reassured that it is obvious to all others involved that I am doing the lion's share of the work, without the help of my co-president. Once they left it was the mad rush to finish prepping for my parents' visit and dinner. Sweeping, mopping, putting a meatloaf together and in the oven, peeling and boiling potatoes and washing and chopping Swiss chard. Dinner was nice, my mom did not criticize a single thing. My dad laughed and complimented the food (as did mom). The Oldest made the meatloaf, and Corky and I the sides. I also made icebox cake for dessert, which I hardly ever make because one of the ingredients are not readily available year round. My mom was surprised about my draconian screen time and bedtime rules, but she also has no idea what kind of trouble The Boys have gotten themselves into on screens, so I didn't get into it. We finished the evening with showers and bed because I was wiped out.
Sunday
Woke up EARLY with an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea - bleh. Woke up again a bit early, but not bad. Corky wanted to play, but I can't really have the level of intimacy I want because she is still sick, and I really absolutely must remain healthy. So I made sure she enjoyed herself, but I feel myself pulling away. I enjoy bringing her pleasure, but it isn't the same and I don't know if it is because we have not been able to be intimate in the way I enjoy, or if the constant demands of tidiness around the house puts unrealistic demands on me as a lackadaisical housekeeper, and sticks me in the middle of the arguments with the boys about their lack of tidiness. But I am just tired of everything. I am trying to de-stress on my own, but there is always some other demand on my time, attention, emotion or all of the above that leaves me feeling empty, without an oasis in sight, and no hope for reprieve.
I am irritable, and premenstrual - also does not help in any way because my luck will be to start my period in time for Corky to be perfectly healthy again, and Valentine's Day, which is our weekend away at Mardi Gras.
This afternoon we were going to take The Boys to the Pinball Museum, but they were closed for a private event. We ended up at an arcade (which was okay, but so crowded, that there was more waiting for an open game than actual play time). We took a break to look at the newsstand where The Boys begged me to buy them $40 worth of books, comics, magazines, junk food each. I offered to buy one comic book or item of food each. The youngest then proceeded to buy himself additional food and comic books... We stopped at one of my favorite shops on the way to the car and they again begged me to buy them stuff every time I turned around. They shadowed me through the store continuing their pleas, while the entire time was me saying"no" repeatedly, until I threatened to make them wait outside. Left for the car and there was more whining about what they didn't get to do or buy and how put upon they were to have to hold a magazine so that I could browse and purchase a pad of paper.
In the car finally and no one wants to go to eat the same food for dinner. The Boys are being intentionally contrary toward each other, so I drove back to my town and by then it was dinner time and they had agreed. When we got to said place, it was PACKED and there was no hope of having anything to eat within the hour. A second destination was picked and there was additional whining because it wasn't the suggestion of The Youngest. I stopped the car until a decision could be made, and by that Point I was hungry and had had it up to my eyeballs.
Got to second destination and the wait was not unreasonable. Ordered food and drinks. Food arrives and mine is cold. not lukewarm, but cold. It had been sitting on the pass through for a nice long time while our waitress sat at a booth visiting with a friend. All I wanted was a hot meal... Sent it back and the manager brought it the second time, another server brought our next round of drinks and the manager who brought the second round meal (which was actually hot) said she'd check back (never happened). The original waitress was asked for drinks (those had to come from another server we flagged down after 20 minutes of the original waitress visiting more with her friend in the booth).
By the time we left I just wanted to cry. I actually still do - typing this out isn't making me feel better, just sad and lonely and alone and like I'm not actually able to be in a relationship. I am difficult to live with when I am under extreme stress (Like now). I feel myself pulling away and not telling Corky when I am upset with her. Sometimes I don't even realize what the actual problem is, I do know that I don't always say when something bugs me.
Earlier this week I started reading a book for an LGBT book club a friend just started. Corky attended the first meeting with me and did not enjoy it. I didn't particularly enjoy it either because it was literally 4 people who already know each other discussing everything but the book we just were picking up. This isn't Corky's thing, and I get it, but I still want to read the book. It is fascinating so far, and I am enjoying it. Corky saw the book on the coffee table and when she realized which book it was and why I had it, she dismissed it as "Oh, that's the book for the stupid book club." and then went on to pooh pooh the club and the leader. I was pissed, but didn't say anything (which I should have because it has colored my entire week). I didn't want her to think she was in the wrong. Her opinion is valid, but her dismissing what I like was hurtful.
Then in bed on Saturday night, she made a remark about my stomach. I am already self conscious about being overweight, but had let my guard down with her because I thought (and still think) she loves my body. But comments like that make me wonder if she'll stick around, and I know how psychologically self destructive those comments are for me. I tend to internalize them and lash out by becoming even heavier (which is really a bad idea). From the age of 10 I have been sensitive about my weight, and the comments that have cut the deepest have come from those I love and respect the most. To have an ex who slept around on me really fucked with my head and heart, and I can feel the walls building up in my relationship and I don't know how to stop them...
Once we got home tonight, Corky needed copies of the medical records for disability, and of course my fucking printer runs out of fucking ink... I did manage to download her x-rays, so she can take the CD with her, and then I tried to fix The Oldest's glasses, took Corky's advice on it, and ended up fucking them seriously up. Finally (after hours) said "fuck it" and paper clipped them together, reinforced by duct tape. A trip to the Optometrist tomorrow after The Boys get out of school. Can't wait to see what this costs me.
This sucks. Tomorrow is Monday and I will be working - on what I have no idea.
Friday
Picked up kids from school, got home and had them doing homework rather quickly (this was not without the usual fights over "why?!" and "This is dumb!" and "I already did that". The last, when followed up with my desire to check said completed work is always met by, "God, you are so mean! why do you have to check everything!" and finding out that it was not yet even started. The exhausting arguing lasted all evening. The arguing also included Corky stepping in to tell The Boys when to pick their stuff up, and getting me involved for each and every infraction. I have a fundraiser coming up (that I am not the chair for, but as PFC President, there is still responsibility on my shoulders) and we are sorely needing volunteers. I am hitting up every possible angle for this, and still people are sitting on their hands. Last week the stress was ticket sales, this week it's volunteers. I'm sure next week will be something else entirely.
Saturday
The day started with arguments over homework and housework. One of The Youngest's friends came over to hang out in the afternoon (after The Youngest finished all chores and homework, even if the homework was so hastily and sloppily done that I had him send it to his teacher to proof read on Monday). Also along was my VP who was able to effectively talk me off of a cliff, AND take on additional responsibilities so that I don't have to do quite as much as I have been all year. At lease I am reassured that it is obvious to all others involved that I am doing the lion's share of the work, without the help of my co-president. Once they left it was the mad rush to finish prepping for my parents' visit and dinner. Sweeping, mopping, putting a meatloaf together and in the oven, peeling and boiling potatoes and washing and chopping Swiss chard. Dinner was nice, my mom did not criticize a single thing. My dad laughed and complimented the food (as did mom). The Oldest made the meatloaf, and Corky and I the sides. I also made icebox cake for dessert, which I hardly ever make because one of the ingredients are not readily available year round. My mom was surprised about my draconian screen time and bedtime rules, but she also has no idea what kind of trouble The Boys have gotten themselves into on screens, so I didn't get into it. We finished the evening with showers and bed because I was wiped out.
Sunday
Woke up EARLY with an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea - bleh. Woke up again a bit early, but not bad. Corky wanted to play, but I can't really have the level of intimacy I want because she is still sick, and I really absolutely must remain healthy. So I made sure she enjoyed herself, but I feel myself pulling away. I enjoy bringing her pleasure, but it isn't the same and I don't know if it is because we have not been able to be intimate in the way I enjoy, or if the constant demands of tidiness around the house puts unrealistic demands on me as a lackadaisical housekeeper, and sticks me in the middle of the arguments with the boys about their lack of tidiness. But I am just tired of everything. I am trying to de-stress on my own, but there is always some other demand on my time, attention, emotion or all of the above that leaves me feeling empty, without an oasis in sight, and no hope for reprieve.
I am irritable, and premenstrual - also does not help in any way because my luck will be to start my period in time for Corky to be perfectly healthy again, and Valentine's Day, which is our weekend away at Mardi Gras.
This afternoon we were going to take The Boys to the Pinball Museum, but they were closed for a private event. We ended up at an arcade (which was okay, but so crowded, that there was more waiting for an open game than actual play time). We took a break to look at the newsstand where The Boys begged me to buy them $40 worth of books, comics, magazines, junk food each. I offered to buy one comic book or item of food each. The youngest then proceeded to buy himself additional food and comic books... We stopped at one of my favorite shops on the way to the car and they again begged me to buy them stuff every time I turned around. They shadowed me through the store continuing their pleas, while the entire time was me saying"no" repeatedly, until I threatened to make them wait outside. Left for the car and there was more whining about what they didn't get to do or buy and how put upon they were to have to hold a magazine so that I could browse and purchase a pad of paper.
In the car finally and no one wants to go to eat the same food for dinner. The Boys are being intentionally contrary toward each other, so I drove back to my town and by then it was dinner time and they had agreed. When we got to said place, it was PACKED and there was no hope of having anything to eat within the hour. A second destination was picked and there was additional whining because it wasn't the suggestion of The Youngest. I stopped the car until a decision could be made, and by that Point I was hungry and had had it up to my eyeballs.
Got to second destination and the wait was not unreasonable. Ordered food and drinks. Food arrives and mine is cold. not lukewarm, but cold. It had been sitting on the pass through for a nice long time while our waitress sat at a booth visiting with a friend. All I wanted was a hot meal... Sent it back and the manager brought it the second time, another server brought our next round of drinks and the manager who brought the second round meal (which was actually hot) said she'd check back (never happened). The original waitress was asked for drinks (those had to come from another server we flagged down after 20 minutes of the original waitress visiting more with her friend in the booth).
By the time we left I just wanted to cry. I actually still do - typing this out isn't making me feel better, just sad and lonely and alone and like I'm not actually able to be in a relationship. I am difficult to live with when I am under extreme stress (Like now). I feel myself pulling away and not telling Corky when I am upset with her. Sometimes I don't even realize what the actual problem is, I do know that I don't always say when something bugs me.
Earlier this week I started reading a book for an LGBT book club a friend just started. Corky attended the first meeting with me and did not enjoy it. I didn't particularly enjoy it either because it was literally 4 people who already know each other discussing everything but the book we just were picking up. This isn't Corky's thing, and I get it, but I still want to read the book. It is fascinating so far, and I am enjoying it. Corky saw the book on the coffee table and when she realized which book it was and why I had it, she dismissed it as "Oh, that's the book for the stupid book club." and then went on to pooh pooh the club and the leader. I was pissed, but didn't say anything (which I should have because it has colored my entire week). I didn't want her to think she was in the wrong. Her opinion is valid, but her dismissing what I like was hurtful.
Then in bed on Saturday night, she made a remark about my stomach. I am already self conscious about being overweight, but had let my guard down with her because I thought (and still think) she loves my body. But comments like that make me wonder if she'll stick around, and I know how psychologically self destructive those comments are for me. I tend to internalize them and lash out by becoming even heavier (which is really a bad idea). From the age of 10 I have been sensitive about my weight, and the comments that have cut the deepest have come from those I love and respect the most. To have an ex who slept around on me really fucked with my head and heart, and I can feel the walls building up in my relationship and I don't know how to stop them...
Once we got home tonight, Corky needed copies of the medical records for disability, and of course my fucking printer runs out of fucking ink... I did manage to download her x-rays, so she can take the CD with her, and then I tried to fix The Oldest's glasses, took Corky's advice on it, and ended up fucking them seriously up. Finally (after hours) said "fuck it" and paper clipped them together, reinforced by duct tape. A trip to the Optometrist tomorrow after The Boys get out of school. Can't wait to see what this costs me.
This sucks. Tomorrow is Monday and I will be working - on what I have no idea.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Taking refuge in the written word
This has been a hell of a day, in a hell of a week. This week has seen several people who swore they'd help me back out. This week has had my ability to continue to do my job sliced off without so much as a "good luck asshole". During a meeting last night, I agreed to send an e-mail bulletin to the middle school parents begging for volunteers, which I was too tired to do at the time.
Today was what really took the cake though. I was called yesterday by the middle school nurse and asked to work scoliosis screening. I said sure, then asked my boss if I could take the day as my community service day. Since I can literally no longer do my job effectively, she agreed. I forgot I had therapy at 2:00. The screening went until 3:00, and in hindsight, I could have just gone, as there were just a few students left to screen at 1:45. I rescheduled therapy to 5:00, and made a dinner date with Corky. Corky and I have spent hardly any time together this week. She's still sick, and dog and house sat again. I had meetings, The Boys had homework. I was looking forward to a quiet dinner for the two of us. At 2:00 I received a text from the ex asking if I could pick The Boys up from school. I agreed (since I was already there and all). He then said he would let me know later when he would pick them up as his gf is out of town & he was going to be stuck on a job for a while. I let him know I had a 5:00 appointment & he replied that he didn't think he'd be by before then. Brought The Boys home and had them doing homework while Corky hung out and they whined that they would rather do it at their father's. I checked their work, made some corrective suggestions & got in another argument about what the assignment actually was. I sent another text to the ex reminding him that The Oldest was playing with the jazz band during the talent show, and he has the needed shirt. I said I could take The Boys to the gig, but I needed the shirt by 7:00. I left for therapy, where my therapist told me I need to find time to walk, or meditate - basically take better care of myself - and say no more often. On my way back, at 6:00, I sent another text to the ex asking if he was going to be able to make it to my house with the shirt by 7:00 (where he lives is 30 minutes in each direction). He said no, but would try to make the performance. Back home, pile The Boys into the car in a rush, say good-bye to Corky after she said she thought the talent show last year was horrible (and she was angry that our plans were upended). I shook my head and told her not to say that in front of the kids (mostly because that is exactly the reaction the ex has about these things). I bought The Boys fast food for dinner as they hadn't eaten while I was gone (I hate fast food), drove to the ex's and back and stayed at the talent show until it ended at 9:00. I still hadn't sent the e-mail, and I am so grateful that my VP did it for me. By the time I got The Boys showered and in bed it was after 10:00. I am so wiped out and just need to sleep - hopefully not to awaken at 1:15 like last night and stay up for 90 minutes. Sending thoughts to the universe that the morning will sail smoothly.
Not sure if I feel better now having written it all down, but at least it isn't still in my head...
Today was what really took the cake though. I was called yesterday by the middle school nurse and asked to work scoliosis screening. I said sure, then asked my boss if I could take the day as my community service day. Since I can literally no longer do my job effectively, she agreed. I forgot I had therapy at 2:00. The screening went until 3:00, and in hindsight, I could have just gone, as there were just a few students left to screen at 1:45. I rescheduled therapy to 5:00, and made a dinner date with Corky. Corky and I have spent hardly any time together this week. She's still sick, and dog and house sat again. I had meetings, The Boys had homework. I was looking forward to a quiet dinner for the two of us. At 2:00 I received a text from the ex asking if I could pick The Boys up from school. I agreed (since I was already there and all). He then said he would let me know later when he would pick them up as his gf is out of town & he was going to be stuck on a job for a while. I let him know I had a 5:00 appointment & he replied that he didn't think he'd be by before then. Brought The Boys home and had them doing homework while Corky hung out and they whined that they would rather do it at their father's. I checked their work, made some corrective suggestions & got in another argument about what the assignment actually was. I sent another text to the ex reminding him that The Oldest was playing with the jazz band during the talent show, and he has the needed shirt. I said I could take The Boys to the gig, but I needed the shirt by 7:00. I left for therapy, where my therapist told me I need to find time to walk, or meditate - basically take better care of myself - and say no more often. On my way back, at 6:00, I sent another text to the ex asking if he was going to be able to make it to my house with the shirt by 7:00 (where he lives is 30 minutes in each direction). He said no, but would try to make the performance. Back home, pile The Boys into the car in a rush, say good-bye to Corky after she said she thought the talent show last year was horrible (and she was angry that our plans were upended). I shook my head and told her not to say that in front of the kids (mostly because that is exactly the reaction the ex has about these things). I bought The Boys fast food for dinner as they hadn't eaten while I was gone (I hate fast food), drove to the ex's and back and stayed at the talent show until it ended at 9:00. I still hadn't sent the e-mail, and I am so grateful that my VP did it for me. By the time I got The Boys showered and in bed it was after 10:00. I am so wiped out and just need to sleep - hopefully not to awaken at 1:15 like last night and stay up for 90 minutes. Sending thoughts to the universe that the morning will sail smoothly.
Not sure if I feel better now having written it all down, but at least it isn't still in my head...
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Feeling weirdly out of sorts lately
Just trying to do a brain dump so that I can actually sleep tonight instead of tossing and turning, or having to stay up horribly late. So, you can ignore the inane ramblings if you wish.
Not sure why things with Corky have been a little off. She's been in kind of a bad mood lately, and it's rubbed off on me. Her back is still completely jacked up, now her manager is pressuring her to return to work, even though she is on disability, and he wants the Dr. note, even though the company and HR have the notes and records. She can't get a Dr. to take on her workman's comp because they are either moving to other practices, not accepting new patients, or their ratings are so low they are hardly worth calling at all. All of the red tape and run around is taking its toll on her. I miss her when she isn't here, and when she is in a mood and she is here? I'm stressed. The Boys, are themselves, every bit themselves, and she has a tough time handling that when she's in a mood. I find myself having to navigate between this is the one place they feel safe to act themselves (as they should), They are still learning basic human interactions and manners while hormones are overwhelming their systems, and Corky wanting this to be a peaceful place to come to when her life is chaotic. This home is anything but peaceful with two pubescent boys, and a peri-menopausal mother.
Corky brought one of her lesbian novels over for me to read, as I am woefully under read in that genre. I liked the story, and found the characters interesting and engaging. I read a ton. For the past few years, it has mostly been fan fiction (which I have also been an editor for), and I have found equally well written stories there. I would like to introduce Corky to these, but I'm not sure where to start. Most fanfic is based on movie or TV characters, and the ones I read are based on the shows I watch, which are not the shows Corky watches.
I am also upset that I have gained weight again, after spending the last 37 years struggling, I am just not sure why this time. In the past I can link my weight gain to various things/events/people. Not this time. I am happy (yes, despite what I have just written I am happier than I have been in at least a decade, possibly longer). I love Corky, and she loves me.
I am also scared of being hurt and betrayed again. I know Corky is not the person who hurt me, but I seem to have a block around getting into a more permanent situation. It doesn't help that when she is here I sleep way better than when she is not.
I paid off a couple of looming debts this week, and have one more to pay (once I have a better idea of the amount), and then it will just be time to wait until things come through.
I am currently addicted to this video in particular, and have some aspiration of learning the choreography.
It has been FOREVER since I learned an actual routine, and NEVER one this intense, so I am curious to see how long it will take. I am hoping I will learn it before I am sick of the song...
The Boys grades are still concerning me. I can ensure their homework is complete, that it is what was assigned, and it is in the folder where they will find it the next day. The issue is when they are not at my house. They are not followed up with to check the work, it gets shoved in the bottom of a backpack and not turned in, if it was completed in the first place. I know that this is the time in their lives when these skills are learned. But I am also working with their father who does not have the skill or the will to help them. This makes me crazy.
I sat with Corky's ex tonight at an event and she was lamenting (still) about her last breakup. I am getting tired of hearing it. I get it, it was a shitty breakup, but it was also a relationship that was short, and started as a revenge plot. It was built on dishonesty and negativity, and was not healthy. I am truthfully not even certain that either of the people involved is capable of a healthy relationship.
I miss my bff. I know Corky is not fond of her, but I still miss her. I don't miss being her other husband, but I do miss spending time with her. I also miss some of my other friends, and I have to make a point of calling and planning things to do with them. The issue is, when? On the weekends I have the boys, the majority of time is spent doing homework that was not done at their father's. When it is a weekend without the kids, I like spending time with Corky. So you see my dilemma. Who's time do I cut into? gah. Maybe a weekday when I don't have the kids, and Corky's at work. I can take a lunch hour and have coffee, or lunch and just visit. I feel like I've been a pretty shitty friend.
I also need to get off my ass and move more. Salads everyday just isn't going to solve my weight problems.
Okay, I know this is a rant, and rambling mess, and I'm not angry or upset, I just needed to get this out of my head so that I can sleep. And yes Corky, I know you are reading this, and no you did not screw up, or say the wrong thing. This is not messed up. I love you, I want you, and I miss you and this is me doing a brain dump.
The Boys grades are still concerning me. I can ensure their homework is complete, that it is what was assigned, and it is in the folder where they will find it the next day. The issue is when they are not at my house. They are not followed up with to check the work, it gets shoved in the bottom of a backpack and not turned in, if it was completed in the first place. I know that this is the time in their lives when these skills are learned. But I am also working with their father who does not have the skill or the will to help them. This makes me crazy.
I sat with Corky's ex tonight at an event and she was lamenting (still) about her last breakup. I am getting tired of hearing it. I get it, it was a shitty breakup, but it was also a relationship that was short, and started as a revenge plot. It was built on dishonesty and negativity, and was not healthy. I am truthfully not even certain that either of the people involved is capable of a healthy relationship.
I miss my bff. I know Corky is not fond of her, but I still miss her. I don't miss being her other husband, but I do miss spending time with her. I also miss some of my other friends, and I have to make a point of calling and planning things to do with them. The issue is, when? On the weekends I have the boys, the majority of time is spent doing homework that was not done at their father's. When it is a weekend without the kids, I like spending time with Corky. So you see my dilemma. Who's time do I cut into? gah. Maybe a weekday when I don't have the kids, and Corky's at work. I can take a lunch hour and have coffee, or lunch and just visit. I feel like I've been a pretty shitty friend.
I also need to get off my ass and move more. Salads everyday just isn't going to solve my weight problems.
Okay, I know this is a rant, and rambling mess, and I'm not angry or upset, I just needed to get this out of my head so that I can sleep. And yes Corky, I know you are reading this, and no you did not screw up, or say the wrong thing. This is not messed up. I love you, I want you, and I miss you and this is me doing a brain dump.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Post Christmas / Pre New Years time
Christmas was fine. Different (as they all have seemed to be recently) but fine. I really missed The Boys, and cried a hell of a lot over the 24th and 25th. They have been with me since Christmas, and I love having their noisy energy here. I also love having time off of work to just be with them.
This is typically a week of quiet reflection for me. This year my thoughts turn to the future. Where will I be a year from now? Will my divorce finally be final? Will my taxes be paid off? Will I be just as happy as I am in the moment right now? Will I still be loved? Will The Boys pull their grades out of the gutter? Will their minds reside in the gutter instead? Am I raising respectful young men? How will The Oldest (and by extention, I) handle High School? Will The Youngest find a passion that will carry him forward? How will I do living with Corky? Will my craziness drive her to the arms and bed of another? All mysteries yet to reveal the answers.
What I do know is that I will still love my life, the boring ruts, and the unexpected ups and downs. Corky will likely still be in my life (and my house), The Boys will still be their crazy, loving, obnoxious selves. I will hopefully still be laughing to the point of peeing with Corky. The Cat and Dogs and Fish will all still be well taken care of and loved.
This is typically a week of quiet reflection for me. This year my thoughts turn to the future. Where will I be a year from now? Will my divorce finally be final? Will my taxes be paid off? Will I be just as happy as I am in the moment right now? Will I still be loved? Will The Boys pull their grades out of the gutter? Will their minds reside in the gutter instead? Am I raising respectful young men? How will The Oldest (and by extention, I) handle High School? Will The Youngest find a passion that will carry him forward? How will I do living with Corky? Will my craziness drive her to the arms and bed of another? All mysteries yet to reveal the answers.
What I do know is that I will still love my life, the boring ruts, and the unexpected ups and downs. Corky will likely still be in my life (and my house), The Boys will still be their crazy, loving, obnoxious selves. I will hopefully still be laughing to the point of peeing with Corky. The Cat and Dogs and Fish will all still be well taken care of and loved.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday and lots of learning
I took 3 training classes at work today and I actually learned something in each of them. I also learned a few real life things (in the broadest definition). When you put a stop to someone who is overstepping their role, they take it personally, glare at and or scold you, unnecessarily punish your child, and generally behave in a borderline unprofessional manner. The "Live Long and Prosper" hand gesture originated in a Jewish Benediction that is not supposed to be viewed by members of the Synagogue. Also? my BFF volunteers me for almost everything she is involved in at school. My mother is unreasonably obsessed with a celebration of marriage this upcoming weekend (still). If the dogs are not let out to pee at around 10pm, they bark at 3:30am to be let out, and then I cannot fall back asleep for an hour.
My brain may actually be full at this point.
My brain may actually be full at this point.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Gratitude
Today I am grateful for:
My foot not being broken, but suffering from tendinitis instead.
Corky being her adorable self, and the way she thanks me ;-)
My Sons and how they are growing into wonderful men. I am proud to be their mom.
My Sister, even though I don't talk to her often enough, I love and appreciate how she is there for me.
New High School drivers, reminding me why I am glad I even lived through those years.
Apologies from old nemesis.
Spending the entire day at home because I have generous and caring friends who drive my kids to school, and they are old and wise enough to walk home.
Being able to listen to a diverse range of music of which the kids these days are fond.
My cat.
The Dogs and their protective nature.
My job.
My continuing good health.
My foot not being broken, but suffering from tendinitis instead.
Corky being her adorable self, and the way she thanks me ;-)
My Sons and how they are growing into wonderful men. I am proud to be their mom.
My Sister, even though I don't talk to her often enough, I love and appreciate how she is there for me.
New High School drivers, reminding me why I am glad I even lived through those years.
Apologies from old nemesis.
Spending the entire day at home because I have generous and caring friends who drive my kids to school, and they are old and wise enough to walk home.
Being able to listen to a diverse range of music of which the kids these days are fond.
My cat.
The Dogs and their protective nature.
My job.
My continuing good health.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Just random thoughts
Wednesday was the first day of school for The Boys, and they woke up nervously excited and way too early. They have been at the ex's since I sent them off for school, but in talking to them seem to have had a great beginning of the school year. They are great kids and I adore them and all the milestones we celebrate.
My bff is making some decisions that ultimately will be disappointing for me. If you say you will do something, my expectation is you will do that thing. I am not looking for back-up plans. And if you are considered to be a friend of mine? I expect notification well in advance so that I CAN formulate a plan B. Sigh, I have to wonder if my expectations of others is really out of alignment with how reliable they really are.
There are some things on my calendar for the long US weekend, and I am looking most forward to sleeping in. Corky works all three days, but I will see her for activities in the afternoons. This will be a busy school year for me and I am going to drop a couple of volunteer things from my calendar so that I can relieve some of my stress and start to move more, sit less and eat healthy.
My parents celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary on Thursday, and I am always struck by how they have remained together for so long, especially considering how horribly they treat one another when I am there. They are really mean and vicious with their words, and it is a bit triggering for me. I realized how much of a mediating force My Sister and I were when there, and now that they are retired and spending even more time together, it is obvious.
Celebrated a couple of friends and their new jobs starting next week with bloody marys and great conversation. Determined that there are some things I just need to woman up and deal with, and that I likely still need more sleep than I am getting.
My bff is making some decisions that ultimately will be disappointing for me. If you say you will do something, my expectation is you will do that thing. I am not looking for back-up plans. And if you are considered to be a friend of mine? I expect notification well in advance so that I CAN formulate a plan B. Sigh, I have to wonder if my expectations of others is really out of alignment with how reliable they really are.
There are some things on my calendar for the long US weekend, and I am looking most forward to sleeping in. Corky works all three days, but I will see her for activities in the afternoons. This will be a busy school year for me and I am going to drop a couple of volunteer things from my calendar so that I can relieve some of my stress and start to move more, sit less and eat healthy.
My parents celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary on Thursday, and I am always struck by how they have remained together for so long, especially considering how horribly they treat one another when I am there. They are really mean and vicious with their words, and it is a bit triggering for me. I realized how much of a mediating force My Sister and I were when there, and now that they are retired and spending even more time together, it is obvious.
Celebrated a couple of friends and their new jobs starting next week with bloody marys and great conversation. Determined that there are some things I just need to woman up and deal with, and that I likely still need more sleep than I am getting.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Tough times and memories
So, I have been thinking quite a bit lately about mortality (I know, cheery subject). My reflections are around what I want to do with my life. Obviously, I want to see The Boys grown into men who are happy and self supporting, kind and healthy. I also want to travel more (which will happen). Mostly though, I want the people around me to know that they are loved. So, if I haven't told you lately (or ever), I am telling you now. I love you. You are important and you matter to me.
This week upcoming is a cousin's birthday, followed shortly by the anniversary of her mother's death. Soon Corky will be in the same situation. Both do not like the time around their birthday's because of the pain of loss they both feel. I cannot know what it is like, as both of my folks are still here, still alive, and still able to hear and feel my message of love. I suppose in some way so are their mothers, but not in a way that would necessarily show. I am thinking of how I want to help Corky, and I just made reservations to take her a couple of hours out of town, to a place neither of us have been, to relax and explore together. I was considering a particular place, that The Boys would also enjoy, but decided I would save that for us all to go, maybe during the holidays.
Also, starting to feel a little anxious about an upcoming family reunion. The last time I saw or spoke to any of these people was likely 3 or 4 years ago. I was still with the ex, and now I am showing up with my girlfriend. I have no clue what (if any) the reaction will be. I have been running scenarios in my head and trying to figure out various levels of response.
Today was a great day though. The Boys finished jazz band camp with a concert, and The Youngest says he's doing it again next year. He got considerably better over the course of just five days though, with a little help from The Oldest.
This week upcoming is a cousin's birthday, followed shortly by the anniversary of her mother's death. Soon Corky will be in the same situation. Both do not like the time around their birthday's because of the pain of loss they both feel. I cannot know what it is like, as both of my folks are still here, still alive, and still able to hear and feel my message of love. I suppose in some way so are their mothers, but not in a way that would necessarily show. I am thinking of how I want to help Corky, and I just made reservations to take her a couple of hours out of town, to a place neither of us have been, to relax and explore together. I was considering a particular place, that The Boys would also enjoy, but decided I would save that for us all to go, maybe during the holidays.
Also, starting to feel a little anxious about an upcoming family reunion. The last time I saw or spoke to any of these people was likely 3 or 4 years ago. I was still with the ex, and now I am showing up with my girlfriend. I have no clue what (if any) the reaction will be. I have been running scenarios in my head and trying to figure out various levels of response.
Today was a great day though. The Boys finished jazz band camp with a concert, and The Youngest says he's doing it again next year. He got considerably better over the course of just five days though, with a little help from The Oldest.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up
Another busy weekend, and somehow I feel a bit melancholy at the ending.
Friday
Was in the proverbial dog house most of the day. Corky had spent the night and the morning was actually quite nice. I really did and do miss being able to say goodnight to someone next to me right before going to sleep, and I miss good morning just as much. We discussed plans for later that evening, and it wasn't until I arrived at The Youngest's school that I realized I' already said yes to a girls night in - at another school mom's home. So I reminded Corky, who hadn't ever gotten the date for said evening. We'd discussed the event, but I didn't update her once I had an actual date. She was pissed. Rightfully so, as I did not effectively communicate the final plan. She had Friday and Saturday off work, which meant she could sleep over Friday and we could have a family night. She hung with The Boys, and I went for about 3 hours to the event. It was nice seeing and talking to people I don't get to see or visit with. But the entire evening had a pall cast over it by my feeling guilty for going, or staying any length of time, and I was not able to fully enjoy myself. I felt rushed to get home. I need to work on communication and get used to running things by another person before making plans. Corky stayed the night anyway. Also? Had the ex giving me crap for "forcing" The Oldest to go, but I told them both (because dealing with childishness seems to be a gift) that this is an honor - to be considered one of the few Gentile friends invited.
Saturday
A rather early morning for a weekend and preparations for attending our first Bat Mitzvah. The service was in the morning, and I quite enjoyed the singing, and the Torah passage the friend of The Oldest chose. The Youngest split his time at the ex' and at my sister's. The ex always wants to have first right of refusal to watch The Boys on my weekends, but then actually cannot take them... The Youngest likely would have been happier at an all day play date at another friend's. He did enjoy my sister's and demanded that we go back soon. He did a great job of guilt tripping me (although we will be there on Mother's Day anyway). The dinner and party at night were fun, and the kids loved it. The Oldest had a blast and didn't leave the dance floor except to eat, or as necessitated by the ceremony. It ran until 11:00, but I promised to pick up The Youngest by 9:30, and The Oldest got in trouble for telling anyone who would listen that I was forcing him to leave. Ironic. He now didn't want to leave the party he whined about attending. Completely expected. Highlights included Mine and Corky's first dance at an event with (what I am guessing) mostly straight people. If I remember correctly, Reform Judaism and the Jews I know in particular, have zero religious objection to homosexuality. Everyone I didn't already know were very warm and wonderful (as I would expect from knowing the part of the family that I do).
The Tzedaka
Torah: Leviticus 19:9-10
And when you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field, nor shall you gather the gleanings of your harvest. And you shall not glean your vineyard, nor shall you gather every grape of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and stranger; I am the Lord your God. (Leviticus 19:9-10) (Note: To glean is to gather the remains of the harvest left after the reapers collect)
I found the interpretation of this by Judaism, the Bat Mitzvah, and the Rabbi to be very interesting and applicable and useful to my life. I appreciated the subtle differences in their understandings, and what it means as young people grow into adults. The Bat Mitzvah added that the Earth does not actually belong to us, and we are the caretakers only. As such, we need to also care for those in need, the stranger and the poor equally. It is a lesson too few take into their hearts and their every day.
Sunday
I woke up early, but went back to sleep following a bathroom break, and was woken by The Boys yelling at one another. I really had expected this, as neither went to bed at a remotely decent hour, and they both had soda, sugar, and junky food all evening. I refereed as long as I could from bed, but came running when The Oldest poked The Youngest in the eye with a pencil. It was an accident, as both attested, I didn't see any lacerations, punctures, or really any redness that would not normally be attributed to crying. So we ice packed the eye in question, and gave it about a half hour to see what it would do. In the mean time, The Oldest felt bad enough to start a complete meltdown, which included (unknown to me) texting the ex and the ex' gf to tell them he felt like shit and hated himself. After I got him calmed down, and The Youngest looked as though he would live, and his eye was fine, and about 30 minutes more of The Boys cleaning their morning mess and playing minecraft, I started getting texts from the ex asking what was going on. I then texted the details back. The ex' gf then texted The Oldest to tell him that they love him and it was all going to be okay...
A half hour after that, got another text from the ex asking how The Youngest's eye was... At that point I was already completely over the day, and it was only noon. So I finally showered and hauled my exhausted ass to grocery shop, leaving instructions with The Boys for things needing to be completed before I returned. I called them as I was leaving the store to tell them that all of those things I asked them to do, had better be done, and this was their 5 minute warning. I returned home to find most of the things were finished, and they did complete the rest when I pointed those out. I cleaned out the fridge and freezer and got some things together to take to Corky's for a BBQ dinner. I folded laundry, and made hummus and croutons for this week, and we headed out. Corky and her roommate were cool, and dinner was delicious. We watched Space Balls, and then Charlotte's Web, and of course I cried at Charlotte's Web - show me a mother who doesn't cry at that movie - I dare you. The Youngest comforted me, while The Oldest went into the kitchen to tell Corky and her roommate that I was already crying and it wasn't even the sad part yet, and could they even believe that! (teen boy typical) Corky came and sat with me and turned off the movie, could sense my sadness and asked about it. I think it really is fatigue from pubescent boys and the constant battles, and PMS, and lack of sleep. It is a combo that has me on the verge of tears even now, when I am crying for absolutely no reason, though as the sadness washes through me, I think of the many sad times of my life, the times of deep regret, and inner turmoil. The times when I failed myself. I know it is cathartic to cry this way now and again, but it bothers the younger cooler part of myself. At the same time, the older and wiser part of myself recognizes the learning I will gain from these experiences.
I need to go to bed. I need to sleep, and I need to rest my weary mind.
Friday
Was in the proverbial dog house most of the day. Corky had spent the night and the morning was actually quite nice. I really did and do miss being able to say goodnight to someone next to me right before going to sleep, and I miss good morning just as much. We discussed plans for later that evening, and it wasn't until I arrived at The Youngest's school that I realized I' already said yes to a girls night in - at another school mom's home. So I reminded Corky, who hadn't ever gotten the date for said evening. We'd discussed the event, but I didn't update her once I had an actual date. She was pissed. Rightfully so, as I did not effectively communicate the final plan. She had Friday and Saturday off work, which meant she could sleep over Friday and we could have a family night. She hung with The Boys, and I went for about 3 hours to the event. It was nice seeing and talking to people I don't get to see or visit with. But the entire evening had a pall cast over it by my feeling guilty for going, or staying any length of time, and I was not able to fully enjoy myself. I felt rushed to get home. I need to work on communication and get used to running things by another person before making plans. Corky stayed the night anyway. Also? Had the ex giving me crap for "forcing" The Oldest to go, but I told them both (because dealing with childishness seems to be a gift) that this is an honor - to be considered one of the few Gentile friends invited.
Saturday
A rather early morning for a weekend and preparations for attending our first Bat Mitzvah. The service was in the morning, and I quite enjoyed the singing, and the Torah passage the friend of The Oldest chose. The Youngest split his time at the ex' and at my sister's. The ex always wants to have first right of refusal to watch The Boys on my weekends, but then actually cannot take them... The Youngest likely would have been happier at an all day play date at another friend's. He did enjoy my sister's and demanded that we go back soon. He did a great job of guilt tripping me (although we will be there on Mother's Day anyway). The dinner and party at night were fun, and the kids loved it. The Oldest had a blast and didn't leave the dance floor except to eat, or as necessitated by the ceremony. It ran until 11:00, but I promised to pick up The Youngest by 9:30, and The Oldest got in trouble for telling anyone who would listen that I was forcing him to leave. Ironic. He now didn't want to leave the party he whined about attending. Completely expected. Highlights included Mine and Corky's first dance at an event with (what I am guessing) mostly straight people. If I remember correctly, Reform Judaism and the Jews I know in particular, have zero religious objection to homosexuality. Everyone I didn't already know were very warm and wonderful (as I would expect from knowing the part of the family that I do).
The Tzedaka
Torah: Leviticus 19:9-10
And when you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field, nor shall you gather the gleanings of your harvest. And you shall not glean your vineyard, nor shall you gather every grape of your vineyard; you shall leave them for the poor and stranger; I am the Lord your God. (Leviticus 19:9-10) (Note: To glean is to gather the remains of the harvest left after the reapers collect)
I found the interpretation of this by Judaism, the Bat Mitzvah, and the Rabbi to be very interesting and applicable and useful to my life. I appreciated the subtle differences in their understandings, and what it means as young people grow into adults. The Bat Mitzvah added that the Earth does not actually belong to us, and we are the caretakers only. As such, we need to also care for those in need, the stranger and the poor equally. It is a lesson too few take into their hearts and their every day.
Sunday
I woke up early, but went back to sleep following a bathroom break, and was woken by The Boys yelling at one another. I really had expected this, as neither went to bed at a remotely decent hour, and they both had soda, sugar, and junky food all evening. I refereed as long as I could from bed, but came running when The Oldest poked The Youngest in the eye with a pencil. It was an accident, as both attested, I didn't see any lacerations, punctures, or really any redness that would not normally be attributed to crying. So we ice packed the eye in question, and gave it about a half hour to see what it would do. In the mean time, The Oldest felt bad enough to start a complete meltdown, which included (unknown to me) texting the ex and the ex' gf to tell them he felt like shit and hated himself. After I got him calmed down, and The Youngest looked as though he would live, and his eye was fine, and about 30 minutes more of The Boys cleaning their morning mess and playing minecraft, I started getting texts from the ex asking what was going on. I then texted the details back. The ex' gf then texted The Oldest to tell him that they love him and it was all going to be okay...
A half hour after that, got another text from the ex asking how The Youngest's eye was... At that point I was already completely over the day, and it was only noon. So I finally showered and hauled my exhausted ass to grocery shop, leaving instructions with The Boys for things needing to be completed before I returned. I called them as I was leaving the store to tell them that all of those things I asked them to do, had better be done, and this was their 5 minute warning. I returned home to find most of the things were finished, and they did complete the rest when I pointed those out. I cleaned out the fridge and freezer and got some things together to take to Corky's for a BBQ dinner. I folded laundry, and made hummus and croutons for this week, and we headed out. Corky and her roommate were cool, and dinner was delicious. We watched Space Balls, and then Charlotte's Web, and of course I cried at Charlotte's Web - show me a mother who doesn't cry at that movie - I dare you. The Youngest comforted me, while The Oldest went into the kitchen to tell Corky and her roommate that I was already crying and it wasn't even the sad part yet, and could they even believe that! (teen boy typical) Corky came and sat with me and turned off the movie, could sense my sadness and asked about it. I think it really is fatigue from pubescent boys and the constant battles, and PMS, and lack of sleep. It is a combo that has me on the verge of tears even now, when I am crying for absolutely no reason, though as the sadness washes through me, I think of the many sad times of my life, the times of deep regret, and inner turmoil. The times when I failed myself. I know it is cathartic to cry this way now and again, but it bothers the younger cooler part of myself. At the same time, the older and wiser part of myself recognizes the learning I will gain from these experiences.
I need to go to bed. I need to sleep, and I need to rest my weary mind.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Diane on my mind
Been thinking about Diane lately. Every time something goes on, I think about how I would love to talk to her and get her take on things. And honestly, I miss her laugh, and our hours long conversations. It is almost time for a memorial tattoo, and I know the design I want. I think Sue is going to get one too, so we'll coordinate and get the same tattoo, likely on the same day (her birthday?). Just went back and read my posts from around her death, and miss the connections I made in MI. I'm going to call Liz and Sue and Bill and see how they are all doing. I feel like I need to check in on them.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Thoughtful Thursday
Love and hug those around you while you can.
So my dad is home (it took about a month of back and forth to the ER). He is feeling better, still tires easily though. I know he isn't in his 40's anymore (he's actually in his 70's), but it is only when illness strikes and the recovery time is longer each time that I can see how much older he is. Been thinking about my parents (and Aunts & Uncles) alot lately. They are the oldest living generation, and one would suppose, the next to go. I am hoping it won't be for a while yet, as I don't think I know enough about life or them or our family. Being with Corky has actually brought me closer to my family. Family is very important to her. Because it is where I came from, what shaped and informed my youth, I should have been much better about family contacts, but I haven't. Partly, I think it is because I have not been in my own self for quite a while, and I suspect they knew just by looking at me that was the case. Coming out to my parents was a good step in being able to be myself. Not that we ever have discussions about sex or sexuality (though if we had, my life would have been very different). I haven't spoken to my Aunts about Corky, but I also hardly ever see them. I am not in contact enough to not make a phone call unusual, and for the purpose of coming out? That would just make it weird. I suppose I could send a postcard or a note, again a bit weird. That reminds me - I need to post this year's Christmas photo in places.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
navel gazing
Well, Corky returned home safe and a bit more tan from Hawaii this week. I didn't realize how much I would miss her until she was gone, and I had my usual and some unusual stressors with which to deal. I missed the way she can hug me and my cares and stress just melt away. I missed her eyes. God, her eyes are beautiful. I missed the way she blushes when I tell her exactly that. I missed the look of love on her face when we are together. I missed her smile and her dimples. I missed the feel of her here, and the tactile feeling of her skin, and the way we touch each other.
I felt untethered, and by the end, a bit depressed. I was wondering if we were getting used to being apart, and it hurt. It made me more depressed, and I felt forlorn. When I did get to welcome her home, I had roses and chocolate bread pudding with me. We both cried. I want to go to Hawaii with her at some point and she can show me all that she loves about it. I want to take her to Key West so that I can show her all of the things I love about it. I want to discover new favorite places for us to share. However, I have The Boys, who I adore, and who take most of my finances at this point. Until they are grown and on their own, we can take vacations for us all, and local long weekends, but I have some serious looming large financial obligations (college, another car, possibly a larger place to live). For now we can plan and dream and talk about it.
The divorce papers are mostly complete - a few minor corrections remain, and we may get this finalized at the end of the year, and I will feel like I can honestly move on and stop fretting about all this shit. I am still holding out hope for financial upturn so that I can start orthodontic care on The Youngest sooner. Right now, I cannot swing double the current payment to the ortho, and with no help financially, I don't see that changing before the beginning of the year...
Corky comes home from work in a few minutes, so I should wrap this up, or it will likely go unpublished, languishing in the drafts for eternity... I feel like using big words, and flowery language tonight... hmmm
I felt untethered, and by the end, a bit depressed. I was wondering if we were getting used to being apart, and it hurt. It made me more depressed, and I felt forlorn. When I did get to welcome her home, I had roses and chocolate bread pudding with me. We both cried. I want to go to Hawaii with her at some point and she can show me all that she loves about it. I want to take her to Key West so that I can show her all of the things I love about it. I want to discover new favorite places for us to share. However, I have The Boys, who I adore, and who take most of my finances at this point. Until they are grown and on their own, we can take vacations for us all, and local long weekends, but I have some serious looming large financial obligations (college, another car, possibly a larger place to live). For now we can plan and dream and talk about it.
The divorce papers are mostly complete - a few minor corrections remain, and we may get this finalized at the end of the year, and I will feel like I can honestly move on and stop fretting about all this shit. I am still holding out hope for financial upturn so that I can start orthodontic care on The Youngest sooner. Right now, I cannot swing double the current payment to the ortho, and with no help financially, I don't see that changing before the beginning of the year...
Corky comes home from work in a few minutes, so I should wrap this up, or it will likely go unpublished, languishing in the drafts for eternity... I feel like using big words, and flowery language tonight... hmmm
Friday, May 3, 2013
Mental lint
So there is a ton of stuff just floating around in my brain. If you'll forgive the indulgence to follow:
The past three weeks have been unusually stressful and weird. This week in and of itself has been a weird roller coaster of being maudlin about what I will miss at the places The Boys and I have outgrown, and delight for some of the plans in place. There has been much stress over my responsibility in the success of The Boys at school. I have spent time with new friends, and even had worlds collide with my BFF meeting my new friends. the reception was a bit cool, though to be fair, there were assumptions on both sides, but I cannot choose between them. I will always choose BFF over anyone new (other than perhaps a romantic interest). That may be the end of those particular worlds colliding.
People at work keep trying to hand off work to me that is not mine, or assign work to me that is also not mine. 90% of my work time this week was devoted to about 10% of the organization, which means I'll be working over the weekend to catch up with what I actually should have been doing...
Also this weekend brings the first event with The Dude's extended family and his new family and me. I have been eating shittily, feeling particularly fat and sad and unhappy. I want to do something just for me, maybe even just alone. I need to clear my head. I need the ocean, and the sand. I need to sleep in a hammock. Oh, yeah I also just need to actually sleep. I've been thinking about taking up running, my hip and knee have been bothering me, I just don't feel like I fit anywhere in particular. There is no where that feels like "home" to me. I feel like a gal out of sorts, out of my element and out of my time.
I need to ground myself and surround myself with those who "get" me. I wonder if anyone really does "know" me, have I allowed anyone close enough, or has anyone cared enough? Do I trust anyone enough, or even trust myself? No clue, and lots of things to examine.
The past three weeks have been unusually stressful and weird. This week in and of itself has been a weird roller coaster of being maudlin about what I will miss at the places The Boys and I have outgrown, and delight for some of the plans in place. There has been much stress over my responsibility in the success of The Boys at school. I have spent time with new friends, and even had worlds collide with my BFF meeting my new friends. the reception was a bit cool, though to be fair, there were assumptions on both sides, but I cannot choose between them. I will always choose BFF over anyone new (other than perhaps a romantic interest). That may be the end of those particular worlds colliding.
People at work keep trying to hand off work to me that is not mine, or assign work to me that is also not mine. 90% of my work time this week was devoted to about 10% of the organization, which means I'll be working over the weekend to catch up with what I actually should have been doing...
Also this weekend brings the first event with The Dude's extended family and his new family and me. I have been eating shittily, feeling particularly fat and sad and unhappy. I want to do something just for me, maybe even just alone. I need to clear my head. I need the ocean, and the sand. I need to sleep in a hammock. Oh, yeah I also just need to actually sleep. I've been thinking about taking up running, my hip and knee have been bothering me, I just don't feel like I fit anywhere in particular. There is no where that feels like "home" to me. I feel like a gal out of sorts, out of my element and out of my time.
I need to ground myself and surround myself with those who "get" me. I wonder if anyone really does "know" me, have I allowed anyone close enough, or has anyone cared enough? Do I trust anyone enough, or even trust myself? No clue, and lots of things to examine.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Brain fluff
At this point I seem to only think about posting once a month. I should get back to it as this blog helps me voice some of the crap floating around in my head.
Current dilemma - I see myself as one way, which seems to be refuted by MANY people in my life. I have been taken aback by people's differing views for a few weeks now. Interesting, and I think a bit unsettling. But, I also think I know where this is coming from (both my need to voice my labels, and the disagreements).
I have recently begun hanging out with a new group of people - single lesbians. To those for whom this may be news - I am bi. Not having any lesbian friends and REALLY poor female gaydar makes for a lonely existence when desiring a woman. This is making me feel far less alone in the world, which I need. No dating prospects at this time, but I'm not turning away from the group either. Have found people who are genuine and cool and want to spend more time with them.
So, I see myself as butch-ish (grown up tomboy), and no one else irl sees that. But I think it is a subtlety of language that is the hang up. I am a strong woman (for sure); not manly, but certainly more than capable of taking care of myself and my family (which I ascribe more to male energy). I am also a nurturer by nature, and most have responded that I am more earth mother in their eyes. What I think when I hear that is a zaftig woman in flowing tie-dyed robes, dancing in a drum circle, under the full moon. And really, that image probably isn't as far off as I think it is.
What I really want is no label. I just want to be me. I want someone in my bed. Not entirely sure if I want a partner. Don't think it's entirely fair to ask someone to make me the first priority, when I absolutely will not do the same. I have smallish kids who are my focus, and I cannot sacrifice their future for anything, let alone bringing any more crazy people into their lives. And so, do I live a monastic life until The Boys move out? Do I take a lover or a series of lovers to satisfy my physical needs, while maintaining my emotional distance, and relying upon friends to fill my emotional intimacy needs? Not entirely healthy (perhaps).
Do I even need to state a goal other than meeting new people and having a social life? Are my desires born from the "Anything that isn't what I had for the past 20+ years"? What could be further from that than a femme woman? And is that what I even want? I need more empirical data. So I need to date, and kiss, and fuck.
What I do not need is psychologically crippled people. I do not need to rescue anyone, or have anyone rescue me. I want a person in my life, just no clue what that looks like right now, or ever. Always been bad at one night stands, and don't consider myself a player, but may have to adopt a bit of that to just get out and start seeing where things lead.
There is more in my brain on this, but for now I need to just mull these things over.
Current dilemma - I see myself as one way, which seems to be refuted by MANY people in my life. I have been taken aback by people's differing views for a few weeks now. Interesting, and I think a bit unsettling. But, I also think I know where this is coming from (both my need to voice my labels, and the disagreements).
I have recently begun hanging out with a new group of people - single lesbians. To those for whom this may be news - I am bi. Not having any lesbian friends and REALLY poor female gaydar makes for a lonely existence when desiring a woman. This is making me feel far less alone in the world, which I need. No dating prospects at this time, but I'm not turning away from the group either. Have found people who are genuine and cool and want to spend more time with them.
So, I see myself as butch-ish (grown up tomboy), and no one else irl sees that. But I think it is a subtlety of language that is the hang up. I am a strong woman (for sure); not manly, but certainly more than capable of taking care of myself and my family (which I ascribe more to male energy). I am also a nurturer by nature, and most have responded that I am more earth mother in their eyes. What I think when I hear that is a zaftig woman in flowing tie-dyed robes, dancing in a drum circle, under the full moon. And really, that image probably isn't as far off as I think it is.
What I really want is no label. I just want to be me. I want someone in my bed. Not entirely sure if I want a partner. Don't think it's entirely fair to ask someone to make me the first priority, when I absolutely will not do the same. I have smallish kids who are my focus, and I cannot sacrifice their future for anything, let alone bringing any more crazy people into their lives. And so, do I live a monastic life until The Boys move out? Do I take a lover or a series of lovers to satisfy my physical needs, while maintaining my emotional distance, and relying upon friends to fill my emotional intimacy needs? Not entirely healthy (perhaps).
Do I even need to state a goal other than meeting new people and having a social life? Are my desires born from the "Anything that isn't what I had for the past 20+ years"? What could be further from that than a femme woman? And is that what I even want? I need more empirical data. So I need to date, and kiss, and fuck.
What I do not need is psychologically crippled people. I do not need to rescue anyone, or have anyone rescue me. I want a person in my life, just no clue what that looks like right now, or ever. Always been bad at one night stands, and don't consider myself a player, but may have to adopt a bit of that to just get out and start seeing where things lead.
There is more in my brain on this, but for now I need to just mull these things over.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
A bit of stuff floating around in my brain
The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.
I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.
I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.
There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.
Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.
You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Shit floating about in my head
Today there is just so much crap in my head. I am in the middle of training to do a job I shouldn't have to do, will likely not have to do, and feeling like it is a colossal waste of time. My company employs both union represented and non union represented people, as well as contractors, etc. Contracts are up for renegotiation, as they are every 3 years. Three years ago, I trained to climb poles (mind out of the gutter), nine years ago I trained to answer phones and questions on billing, No clue what was six, or twelve years ago - seem to have lost that in a fog. This year I had 50+ on line courses with an average of 2 hours each, and have 6 days and nights of live classroom training, located 2+ hours away from my home...
The Girl Scouts are trying to turn me into a diabetic cow. Insidious little kids with delicious cookies. And most are friends of my kids, so there is an obligation...
I feel like I need to eat less and move more. I am becoming too sedintary.
I feel like I am under threats from various places - finances and relationships primary. Thankfully, work (other than the training) and The Boys' school seem to be doing ok.
The Boys and The Dude were in AZ this past weekend, and they seem to have had fun. My weekend was relatively quiet, and I got some stuff done.
The Girl Scouts are trying to turn me into a diabetic cow. Insidious little kids with delicious cookies. And most are friends of my kids, so there is an obligation...
I feel like I need to eat less and move more. I am becoming too sedintary.
I feel like I am under threats from various places - finances and relationships primary. Thankfully, work (other than the training) and The Boys' school seem to be doing ok.
The Boys and The Dude were in AZ this past weekend, and they seem to have had fun. My weekend was relatively quiet, and I got some stuff done.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thank-you to the Universe
On Monday I had a REALLY crappy day. All around BS from The Dude, work, parents at The Boys' school - you name it, it was all hitting the fan. I was angry as all hell, and ended up writing 10 pages of brain dump in my journal before bed. I woke up on Tuesday with a completely jacked up neck and shoulders and feeling like I hadn't released my anger from the day before. There was a bright spot during my day - having lunch with two good friends.
I awoke to one of my daily affirmations - you can sign up to receive these, and mostly they just make me refocus on happiness, and my long term goals, but occasionally one hits the nail so greatly on the head that it becomes an a-ha moment. The Oprah kind:
not the 80's pop band kind:
This was the message that greeted me from The Universe:
By the way, dear Jeannine, the world doesn't need fixing.
Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Then I visited my friends around the Internet, Mark had an especially fitting post, which you can read here.
Well then - I suppose The Universe is really trying to tell me something. That I am unhappy in all of these things because I choose to be and/or, I am unhappy with myself for some of these things as well... Back to self reflection, navel gazing and over processing...
Oh and then today, this was put up - FINALLY a new post that made me truly laugh out loud AND cry with laughter. All this, AND Naked Jen is in town - I need to go eat with her and that involves Saturn Cafe and FLTs.... I'm drooling already!
I awoke to one of my daily affirmations - you can sign up to receive these, and mostly they just make me refocus on happiness, and my long term goals, but occasionally one hits the nail so greatly on the head that it becomes an a-ha moment. The Oprah kind:
not the 80's pop band kind:
This was the message that greeted me from The Universe:
By the way, dear Jeannine, the world doesn't need fixing.
Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Then I visited my friends around the Internet, Mark had an especially fitting post, which you can read here.
Well then - I suppose The Universe is really trying to tell me something. That I am unhappy in all of these things because I choose to be and/or, I am unhappy with myself for some of these things as well... Back to self reflection, navel gazing and over processing...
Oh and then today, this was put up - FINALLY a new post that made me truly laugh out loud AND cry with laughter. All this, AND Naked Jen is in town - I need to go eat with her and that involves Saturn Cafe and FLTs.... I'm drooling already!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
First Day of School and random thoughts.
OK, today is the first day of school - please to enjoy:
Given that the summer started like this, it's been an entire summer of me mostly looking forward to the return of fall. Of course, this was also one of he coldest summers I can remember, and yesterday it decided to get hot - 101 to be exact. I knew this was going to be the year that Halloween is over 100, and of course The Boys will want to be something heavily clothed and furry - a Wookie maybe? In the years where it is 50 degrees on Halloween, they want to be Michael Phelps...
Two days ago, in an apparent olive branch gesture, and a complete 180 from the 2nd day of summer break, The Boys got themselves up, and made themselves breakfast, cleared their dishes, brushed their teeth and got dressed. I was so stunned at the thoughtfulness of this simple act, that I thought I'd woken up in a parallel universe.
On to the random thoughts in my brain. A blog I follow had the most famous image of the effects of Minamata disease, and not knowing what that even was I looked it up here. One of the paragraphs that struck me was:
"When the first cases were reported and subsequently suppressed, the rights of the victims were not recognised, and they were given no compensation. Instead, the afflicted were ostracised from their community due to ignorance about the disease, as people were afraid that it was contagious."
If you keep this in mind for the next generations of the Gulf Coast of he U.S. you would do well. For although we do now know the effect of petrochemicals on humans and other living things, the company responsible is denying that there will be lasting impact, and has minimized the damage all along.
I was also reading Esquire this morning and contemplating the 11 people who lost their lives, and the article chronicling their lives so that we do not forget the first 11 to die from this disaster.
All this to say that you should celebrate your family while you can and not believe people who will only make more money by lying to your face.
Happy Tuesday all!
Given that the summer started like this, it's been an entire summer of me mostly looking forward to the return of fall. Of course, this was also one of he coldest summers I can remember, and yesterday it decided to get hot - 101 to be exact. I knew this was going to be the year that Halloween is over 100, and of course The Boys will want to be something heavily clothed and furry - a Wookie maybe? In the years where it is 50 degrees on Halloween, they want to be Michael Phelps...
Two days ago, in an apparent olive branch gesture, and a complete 180 from the 2nd day of summer break, The Boys got themselves up, and made themselves breakfast, cleared their dishes, brushed their teeth and got dressed. I was so stunned at the thoughtfulness of this simple act, that I thought I'd woken up in a parallel universe.
On to the random thoughts in my brain. A blog I follow had the most famous image of the effects of Minamata disease, and not knowing what that even was I looked it up here. One of the paragraphs that struck me was:
"When the first cases were reported and subsequently suppressed, the rights of the victims were not recognised, and they were given no compensation. Instead, the afflicted were ostracised from their community due to ignorance about the disease, as people were afraid that it was contagious."
If you keep this in mind for the next generations of the Gulf Coast of he U.S. you would do well. For although we do now know the effect of petrochemicals on humans and other living things, the company responsible is denying that there will be lasting impact, and has minimized the damage all along.
I was also reading Esquire this morning and contemplating the 11 people who lost their lives, and the article chronicling their lives so that we do not forget the first 11 to die from this disaster.
All this to say that you should celebrate your family while you can and not believe people who will only make more money by lying to your face.
Happy Tuesday all!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Music Monday and floating brain matter
Please to enjoy:
Random thoughts about various things that have been floating around in my brain all week:
I am surprised by the level of violent thought that can come from an emotionally unstable grandmother one minute and the level of sadness the next.
Having my hair petted by a gorgeous blonde, while she purrs and winks is distracting in a good way. When she is your dear friend, it's more than distracting.
Finding out your newly acquainted friends like Focus on the Family is disappointing at best, but makes me question my ability to pick friends. I have lost friendships over far less, and it's left me wondering if this is worth it. It has also opened my eyes to the reality if my life in comparison to others.
Speaking up for myself feels good, and gets me more of what I want and less anger and resentment.
Life does indeed go on.
Random thoughts about various things that have been floating around in my brain all week:
I am surprised by the level of violent thought that can come from an emotionally unstable grandmother one minute and the level of sadness the next.
Having my hair petted by a gorgeous blonde, while she purrs and winks is distracting in a good way. When she is your dear friend, it's more than distracting.
Finding out your newly acquainted friends like Focus on the Family is disappointing at best, but makes me question my ability to pick friends. I have lost friendships over far less, and it's left me wondering if this is worth it. It has also opened my eyes to the reality if my life in comparison to others.
Speaking up for myself feels good, and gets me more of what I want and less anger and resentment.
Life does indeed go on.
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