Blog as journal

Today felt rather productive, which is a change from how things have been lately. The Boys had Presidents Day off and mostly lazed about the house while I worked. I did get The Oldest to mow the front lawn while the youngest took his lacrosse stick out for a spin.

I finished the crab feed program and sent it to the printer, proofed the one off, and asked for just a tiny change. It looks fabulous and I am glad that is behind me!

Took The Boys for haircuts. The Oldest because his last cut was a disaster and needed to be fixed, and The Youngest because he'd become a hair farmer, his last cut having been in June of last year - a buzz cut for swim season. They look much better now, and I lament the fact that The Youngest now looks like a teenager (even though he isn't yet 12).

While The Boys were in the barber shop, Corky and I went back to the mattress shop to buy our new bed. It is a big step, buying an expensive piece of furniture together, and for me it means I am investing in a future that she will be a part of. I am looking forward to having a nice and comfortable place to sleep.

I also did Corky's taxes for her on line, and sent them off. I will be meeting with my CPA later this month as well, but while Corky gets a nice little refund, I expect to pay in the thousands. Bah.

The rest of this week will be meetings, and preparations for the crab feed, and the arrival of the new bed.

This evening ended up being rather mellow with The Boys finishing homework and my having a bit of free time to write. Nice.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Another really active and busy weekend.

Friday
Picked up The Youngest from school and got him a hair cut. Went back for The Oldest and Corky, headed to the mall and bought new dress clothes for The Boys. $$$ later we were set for the weekend and jazz band gigs.

Saturday
Up at 3:30 so that The Oldest could board a buss for a band review. Their band took 2 first and 2 second place trophies, and looked and sounded good. The Youngest, Corky and I followed, watched the parade and then we all wandered the boardwalk, ate, and hung out until awards. It was really awesome spending time together as a family. The weather was perfect! Stopped for dinner on the way home, and should have skipped that too, as The Boys were too full of boardwalk junk food. They fell asleep on the drive home, and once back, The Oldest headed directly to bed, the youngest had a shower and then bed, followed really shortly by Corky and me. We were out of the house for about 13 hours, all of the daylight hours, plus. Almost all of that time was spent walking and standing, and my feet, legs and back sure felt it!

Sunday
Celebration of Marriage at the Cathedral with my family. A full mass with the marriage blessing, and a reception following. My Mother enjoyed herself, and my Dad seemed at least satisfied. I really do not enjoy Roman Catholic ceremonies. Too much incense, too much burying the value of women beneath their role as helpmate for men. Maybe I am just not as forgiving and patient as I could be, but when married. straight, catholic couples are lauded for being the two to bring life into the world, I can't help but wonder how exactly the bishop and priests view the role women truly play in the propagation of their followers. Maria enjoyed parts of the homily, but having grown up attending church every week, I am over it. I am over feeling like I am not welcomed into this community, not just for who I love, but for having a failed marriage that was performed in the church. Add the condescending view of anyone who does not fit into the requirements of the church, and I am so done. People wonder why I have a dismal view of marriage and organized religion, and it is this - the unequal partnership, the snide derision for those that refuse to make it work (for whatever reason) while applauding and celebrating people who remain together, regardless of circumstance (abuse, neglect, etc.). People who believe that every sacrifice of their humanity to the power of their spouse will bring them closer to God. Willing participants in the dance, teaching their children the same "family values" for generations to come. Yes, I read between the lines (or in this case, listen), and I do take it personally. I do not appreciate that I have to re-educate my sons on the way home so that they understand that mutual respect and love of one another is what binds us all to each other. Does this mean I am not a spiritual person? No it does not. I find my soul filled with love of humanity and our earth, our circumstances, and our ability to survive, thrive and cooperate. I find my worship at the ocean, in water, and salt air. This is what fills me with love and energy for the long hard job of living.

I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead!

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

I spent the weekend doing many things, hopefully I can remember it all:

Friday
Worked and ran a ton of errands with Corky, including a car wash and a trip to Costco. Worked more when we got home after picking up The Boys. Found out they did not go to swim practice on either day that they were with the ex, making me wonder if I should just pick them up and take them on his mornings. It is worth considering, as they are now acutely aware of not being the fastest swimmers, and expressing interest in improving their times.

Saturday
Second swim meet of the season and The Boys did well. The Oldest DQ'd Fly, but he probably swam faster. After that, we fought our way through traffic going to the county fair and dropped off The Youngest at a party with his friends. The Oldest and I fought back through traffic and picked up birthday presents for my dad and nephew. Had just enough time to shower, pick up Corky and then The Youngest before stopping at home to drop off cupcakes and pick up X-Box stuff and head to my folks' for a birthday dinner for three generations, My Dad, My Nephew and Me! All of our birthdays are during the same week, so we always do a combined dinner and celebration. We kept with the tradition of going around the table and saying what we love and appreciate about the birthday person. Because there are three of us, it is especially emotional. This year a few things struck me: My Sister voiced what I've been thinking for a while - that we are the only people with so many shared memories, and we know each other better than anyone else knows us. My Mom saying that I never cease to surprise her. My Nephew saying that he trusts me to always be there for him, and My Nephew (the other one), saying that he knows how hard it is to be a single mom, and he thinks I've done a great job raising The Boys into fine young men. Corky expressed her love of my kindness and broke down a bit. My Dad saying that I am envied by many for my qualities, including love, and honesty, and wishing he possessed some of those qualities. I love my family, as crazy as we might be at times, we do absolutely love one another.

Sunday
Slept way in after taking cough medicine, since my throat was killing me all of Saturday. Once I cleared all the mucus from my ENT, I found that my throat does not hurt any more (YAY!), and I felt well rested. I got dressed and whacked weeds in the front yard for three hours during the hottest part of the day, drank a ton of water, and got The Boys to help with the yard work and clean their rooms. I took a shower, and felt less like passing out from heat exhaustion. Got The Youngest to open the ibuprofen and drank more water. Corky came over and dinner was Casper dogs for the boys, and cole slaw. It was perfectly cool and light for the hellishly hot day. It didn't cool down until after 9pm.

It was also PRIDE weekend and the Parade in SF which I would have loved to have gone to, but The Boys are not quite old enough. The Oldest is, but The Youngest isn't I felt a little left out of it all, and ended up watching the parade on TV later.

More cough syrup, and it's time for my head to hit the pillow. I hope you all have a great week!

My new motto

Interesting what a bit of attention can garner

So last week was the ceremony for my city's Citizen of the Year award, for which I was nominated. I'll wait to tell you if I won, but I wanted first to tell you of the guest list, and give you some idea of what I was walking into - the stress level anyway.

Seated to my left was one of my children (of course). To the left of him were my parents (by design, you'll see why) then  my sister and her boyfriend. To my right was up for grabs between my best friend, my first boyfriend, and the person who spearheaded the campaign to nominate me. My best friend won and my other child was to her right. My first boyfriend had his current boyfriend with him, but they were sitting toward the back due to stomach issues. Rounding out the cast was supposed to be my ex mother-in-law, but she had her mother's health issues to handle. My nominator sat at a different table, with other people who came to support me. All of the people at my table were mostly by my invitation, two invited themselves. My mother does not like two of the people at the table, not including me. My first boyfriend is terrified of my parents 35 years later.

I haven't had sex with anyone I invited, though I would with two of them. Easily. There is a possibility that could happen with one of them. Some of the people at the table know I am Bi, some do not.
The Citizen of the Year is given to recognize volunteerism benefiting our community. There are three awards in total, Citizen of the Year, Young Citizen of the Year and Organization of the Year. There were 5 volunteers up for the same award as I. My fears going into the evening were me outing myself in a grand setting, and people outing me. Also, having at least one person at the table with no internal filter, a loud voice, and low tolerance for diversity in a diverse crowd... Well, you get the point.

So the evening went as follows:
The boys and I arrived at the same time as BFF. My parents were there and had a table saved. My parents were welcoming to everyone, and my sister looked stressed out. I walked around and read all of the nominations, noticing that one nominee had four separate nominations. This same person is the former mayor of my city, so I knew I had little to no shot at this award and decided to enjoy the food and champagne. I received roses and a bottle of Jameson's as congratulations from my friends, and two certificates and a mini key to the city. It was a fun evening, and I feel very fortunate to be is the company of such remarkable people.
My parents told me they were proud of me, and everyone was surprised by how much I actually do. I was touched by the nomination, and felt it to be a very special recognition. I talked to a bunch of people I already know, and many I don't, and I honestly had fun.
Oh, here is a pic of the nomination - they blew these up on large boards around the room:

Yeah, I am possibly never wearing that shirt again - it is literally the only read piece of clothing I own, and this was taken on Lunar New Year, in front of the dragon on red.

A bit of stuff floating around in my brain

The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.

I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.

I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.

There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.

Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.

You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.