Weird Dreams

I feel like I hardly slept at all. I had dreams all night about being a last minute understudy (without knowing the script or blocking nor having rehearsed). For Elphaba in a version of Wicked that was also The Wizard of Oz, where I was also Dorothy? The dream was me having agreed to do it (why?) and trying to sleep the night before the performance. I kept dream waking up in a sheer panic because I had no idea what I was doing, and I kept dreaming (while in my dream) that I was going to flop, was freaking out, forgot the words to the songs while on stage, you name it. I was convinced that once I woke up, I was going to call and cancel the performance, because my playing the lead was beyond ridiculous. I was dreading my alarm, and in real not dream life, I hit snooze a few times before pulling myself fully out of the dream and realizing that I was dreaming about dreaming. Weird.

In Observance

Martin Luther King Jr.

Well that was a weird dream.

A good weird, not a scary weird.

I was in New York (maybe). I'd been with Liz (a dear friend I do not see nearly enough). She was showing me what Spot does when you scratch under her chin. The sound was kind of a shushing mixed with a grunting. It was a bit odd, but adorable. At some point in the dream, I was walking Spot and was to send her up to Andy & Liz' quarters, and wait for them to come down to the common room. I had a key to turn the dead bolt and there was some sort of riddle or puzzle to solve before the door would open, and Spot raced up the stairs. I turned and entered the common room to find a large gathering of bikini clad co-eds. I worked my way to the bar, ducking beach balls and enjoying the views. I had no idea that they lived at a women's college, and told Them both as I sat down. Andy was in high spirits, cracking jokes with various people and being very entertaining, but never leering at the scantily clad young women. He really only ever has had eyes for Liz, who was whipping up something in the bar top blender.

That is when I woke up. I can't help but think the setting and mystery around getting Spot upstairs is related to the trilogy I am currently reading. Perhaps that Andy and Liz and Spot feature in the dream is a desire to reconnect. Oh, Spot is a chihuahua. I've been rereading the first two books of Deborah Harkness' trilogy.

This is a difficult time for me

Transitions are tough for everyone, and this week marks a personal transition for me. As of this week, I will no longer have any children in elementary school. Today was the final day, which was spent at a local park, the kids playing and me reflecting upon the seven years I have spent at that school. Seven years of teaching art and cooking to Kindy through 5th graders. Seven years of changing the marquee out front. Seven years of being at the school almost every day, getting to know all of the teachers, staff and most of the kids. It has been a wonderful seven years, made better by the friends I met while there, and the experiences The Boys have had. Approximately 70 field trips as a driver of small children. Being the emergency contact for half a dozen kids, and knowing my friends trust me to care for their children when they are not able to do so. Seven years, during which I was both at my lowest point emotionally and psychologically, and now at my happiest. I am nothing if not resourceful, and have managed to not just survive, but thrive in the face of adversity.

And thus begins a new chapter for me - Off to the greater responsibilities of teenaged sons. Onward to acne and driver's liscenses, and first love and heartbreak. Through it all I will remain the steady force in The Boys lives. I am grateful for the time to grow into myself that these years have allowed, the friendships made and the sense of family I have in my city now. I know this is my space, this is who I am and where I belong. I am of this place. I have found a love, and cemented myself through the school community to here. I still have wanderlust, the desire to travel is high as school lets out for summer, but I know this is now where I come when I come home. I still miss parts of my past homes, but I move forward with the understanding that home is far more than a single building.

That was a weird and haunting dream

I dream - I'm sure I dream often, but I do not remember most of my dreams upon waking. This morning was the exception. Because it has stayed with me for hours now, I obviously just need to get it out of my brain.

I (and many others) were in a Chinese prison camp of sorts - that is at least the closest I can come to a general description. It looked mostly like a combo of the inside of Urban Ore in Berkeley, the old Wolf Books in San Leandro, and the room of requirement from Harry Potter. So basically junk everywhere. dusty, not well lit, beams of light through dust in sparse shafts, not really illuminating the ground. Your eyes adjust however. We were dressed in prison drab grey/blue, collarless button up shirts, and pajama type pants. There had to be shoes, but no clue what they were like. We were dirty, dusty, grimy, sweaty and greasy. We were supposed to be digging through all of the junk and sorting it to be taken away. I was deep in the room? warehouse? with another person (think Nathan Fillion), and we were members of a resistance movement. We were looking through the junk for evidence of the propaganda being false information in order to topple the regime. I ended up finding a passport of one of the regime, but it was a US passport, claiming the regime leader was indeed a US citizen, not a Chinese National as he claimed. The passport was inside the back of an antique camera. Once I found it, there was a raid, and I was unable to get back to my resistance cohort, as we ran in different directions. I dodged into an alcove to discover a stairway going up, but it was carved into a stone wall and more of a ladder, steep with notches in the stone every 3 feet. Would have been easy to miss, but I started up as fast as I could, with regime guards on my heels. I was not high enough (around a bend in the stone) to be unseen when the guard started into the alcove, and another prisoner caught his attention, speaking in rapid Chinese, allowing me the additional time to get out of sight. I remember thinking I should know Chinese by now.

In the clear light and heat of the day, I now realize how much this dream resembles a potential scene in Firefly... I don't think it is an actual scene, but it was weirdly haunting as I woke from the dream twice before it had ended, and still vividly remember it this afternoon.

More weird dreams

Had another weird dream, which when examined this morning, leads me to believe that I am still working on opening my heart to love. I've had to repair and rebuild my broken heart, and my work is unfinished. Now the layers of protections and walls are being peeled away, and it scares me. To open myself up to another, completely, no protection from heartbreak. It is what Corky deserves, and I continue to work on it, but I'm not totally there yet. Do I love Corky? Yes. Absolutely. Can I give her the love she deserves? I don't know. There is so much wrapped up in my own issues of self worth. Am I worthy of love, well of course, we all are, but that is something I know on an intellectual level. I don't truly feel that. Not yet. What is weird, is getting out of a bad relationship and marriage was about me deserving so much better, and not losing my self respect and self worth. And now, I still have residual worries about being there again. Even though, I KNOW, I truly KNOW in my heart that this is so much different, and in so many ways. I just don't trust myself about it. I thought the ex loved me, and I think he did, at least for a while. I do not know when that stopped. Was it an instant? a series of events? A continuing decline? How do I protect myself against that? I don't, and I can't. I need to let go of it entirely, and stop allowing it to define my life.

More work to do.

And a song that was running through my head as I fell asleep last night:

Lately weird dreams

Having weird dreams for the past week, likely brought on by having seen a Smithsonian show with a segment on these creatures. That and my subconscious working out some issues. My dreams are that I am finding smaller versions of these all over the house, the cat, the dogs, the sofa, the beds. The creatures in my dreams are about the size of the first segment of my pointer finger, and I "pop" them between my finger and thumb. It wasn't until this morning that I was able to identify what I was seeing in my dreams, and link it to what I saw on TV, and what I've been going through. So, with no further ado the star of my recent dreams:

Amazonian Giant Leech - image courtesy of NOVA interactive.

Tableau Tuesday - Hair

Lately, The Youngest has decided to not cut his hair. At. All. he's 8, in second grade, and that's fine with me.


He was getting lots of flak from parents around when he said, "I am going to grow it to my ankles, because I want to look like a hippy." He's learned a new tactic that shuts them all up though. After his hippy desires are known, and the additional commentary, he says, "Once it gets to my ankles, I'm going to cut it all off and donate it to make wigs for people with cancer."

Man, I love that kid!

Laugh of the day and random things

Today's laugh comes from Granny on the Web.

My ass bones hurt. Why? you very well may inquire, and I will tell that it was not some wild sexcapade reminiscent of the 70's swing scene (when I was in actuality a small child, and not participating in those sorts of activities). I FINALLY got the use of a bicycle locker at work. This means I can lock up my bike in a more secure manner, eliminating the need to strip off everything of value, and it takes me far less time to dismount and get to my desk! The distance is only a bit over 4 miles each way. It took me 30 minutes this morning, sans coffee in 45 degree weather, and only 20 minutes to get home. It was warmer coming home, but I think it's mostly because I got a dismissive look from a 20 something hipster doofus, as I sat upon my commuter bike, panniers stuffed, and coffee cup holder on the handle bar. So I kept up with him the entire way - humph, there ya go sonny boy! I'll have to get a photo, as I'm sure the humor of that alone may brighten someone's day!

I've had some extremely disturbing and recurring dreams this weekend. I think it was due to Barry's recent post. My dreamscape is filled with dying, paralyzed and already dead dogs, and dogs left to die, and a huge pile of bones on the beach. I've had the dream 3 nights running, and I know I've had it in the past as well. Need to go the dream meanings website and check on it.
OK - for Dog: If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts.
Beach: To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
Bones: To see bones in your dream, suggests the discovery of your personal, family, or cultural secrets. It is also symbolic of your underlying strengths that you have not yet recognized. Consider the symbolism of getting to the "bare bones" or the significance of "having a bone to pick with someone."
Paralyzed: symbolically, dreaming that you are paralyzed may mean you are feeling helpless or pinned down in some aspects or circumstances of your waking life. You may feel unable to deal with a situation or that you can't do or change anything. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are feeling emotionally paralyzed. You are having difficulties expressing your feelings.
Well, I can probably get to what this is all about, and what it requires, which is more work on listening to myself, and paying closer attention to all that is going on around me. I know where I need to go, I know my path, and I think I've wandered a bit too far into the woods - time to get back on track!

Overheard the boys using the word "tussle", as in "Are you trying to tussle with me?" No doubt a modified version of "Are you talkin' to me?"

Today The Oldest is wearing his banana costume and a Santa Hat, declaring himself Banana Clause.

Done with the majority of decorations inside - still need to do my santa hats all around, and the outdoor decor will get up when The Dude gets around to it (maybe next week). Invitations are out for The Oldest's 9th parties (yes, you read that right). One for family, and one for school friends, which I will post about at some other time.

Having last week off of work completely rocked, but having to go back today? Not. So. Much. Though riding in made me feel like I was doing something good for myself, and provided a nice mental break. The boys feel the same way, as all 3 of them were doing homework after school today and acting less than delighted by the task. I think we need a more Zen like attitude, or is that Pennsylvania Dutch? ( I get my "doing simple things simply and using the task and time for meditation/prayer" stuff mixed up.)

Oh, and I have a splitting headache because The Boys have been listening to this Looney Tunes animated musical ornaments thing that I've had FOREVER. Think this:

but with each character having been split apart with the added ability to hang on the tree. It cycles through 21 holiday classics, and makes my head hurt. We listened all Sunday while decorating the tree, and for 2 hours after school today.

Oh, and I'm totally loving this show. It's the message that I love, not necessarily the people they run into, though that is entertaining as it's own commentary on society.

Dreams part 2

So my dream this morning was about Rachel Maddow (if you didn't recognize her from her picture in the last post). Here is another picture:

I like Rachel, as I have previously stated. I think she is fiercely intelligent and funny in a dorky kind of way. She isn't necessarily my type (if I have one at all at this point). OK fine, enough delay - on to the dream.

I was working at the MSNBC studios, in a largish conference room type office. There were a couple of desks, a round table, a sofa and a television, on one of those AV carts. The TV was on some sort of cartoon show, but I wasn't paying attention, as I was working at a desk and concentrating on my task, which as near as I can remember was something on the computer in front of me. Rachel was sitting on the sofa, Kind of behind me and to the right, and working as well. She commented on the cartoon that was on, and I said of the current shows, I only like Phineas and Ferb. She said she prefers The Dark Knight or comic books. I said that I had read Watchmen when it was first published and was looking forward to the movie (both actually true). And I didn't watch The Dark Knight, though I also enjoyed it as a comic book back in the 80's. That started our conversation, and we were flirting with each other the whole time. At some point I said that I mostly don't watch The Dark Knight, or any of the newer cartoons in that style because it frightens my kids, one of whom loves Batman, Superman and all the old school stuff. She seemed taken aback with the news that I had kids and seemed to shut down a bit. I told her I wasn't looking for her to be their Daddy (thanks to Bea and the crustybastard for putting that into my subconscious). They already have a Daddy. That led to discussion on me being married, and her having a partner. She asked exactly what I was hoping for from our discussion, which I thought was a bit presumptuous and direct. I replied that I was just having a conversation, and I thought it would be cool to hang out with her sometime.

Dreams

I had another interesting dream this morning, and I'm not entirely sure I should share it. I'm torn. As the readership grows, do I become more open, or more closed? This is one clue to my dream:

I believe in angels

Woke up with this song going through my head - has been all day, especially the lyric above.

ABBA - I Have A Dream
Uploaded by djoik

Got a call from another cohort at work. Evidently my name is on a list of folks that have been surplussed. He wanted to know if I was taking the money and running, or looking to stay. When I told him I was looking to stay, he asked for my resume, and said he will advocate for me and my team for positions in his organization - YAY! Now I know why the song was in my head all morning.

This popped on in the car on my way to a photo walk:



I listened to this ENDLESSLY in High School. This clip actually had me laughing - remember the Solid Gold Dancers? Marilyn McCoo?
Later in the afternoon, this came across. Normally I wouldn't link to that website, and I wouldn't have if I could have found this version elsewhere, but I didn't. Ru Paul looks AWESOME! I admit to having an obsession with drag queens, and have written about it before.

During my walk I was able to see a couple of streets downtown that I normally do not get to walk. It was eye opening, and nice to slow down the pace and listen to the sounds of the area. I'll have some of the photos in my Friday post, and for Sunday Stills.

I was blown away last night after stumbling across this blog. Nick is only 20, but some of his thoughts are right on the money and I will be using some here. Yesterday's thought that completely hit it on the head for me: "Never let someone become so much of yourself that you lose yourself if you lose them. Love is a chance, not a guarantee…embrace what comes but never fight for what leaves." Nick gets it, and I look forward to reading how his philosophy evolves as he goes along.

My thought of the day, that was brought back to light recently is a quote from the movie Unbreakable, "The villain is the hero of his own story." Too true, and when you are too close to a situation to see the bigger picture, it is even more difficult to see this fact. It's true for normal people too. Many people are just going through their lives with blinders on, thinking that they are doing the right thing, the just thing, and not accepting the reality that their actions and words affect those around them, sometimes very profoundly, and sometimes for the worse. There is a sad lack of self reflection and evaluation. If you knew how badly things were going to turn out, would you have made the same decisions? Why, or why not? I've found that even major cluster fucks of life can provide the opportunity to learn about life, about yourself, about the worth of family and friends. In the immediate aftermath, I think we'd all say that we would do things differently, but after sometimes years of reflection, we find the lesson we were supposed to learn all along. It is then that we change to knowing why things happen, and why we wouldn't change a single thing.

And now some light hearted fair for your enjoyment:

Sunday Stills

This week's challenge was Reflections. I don't generally take many photos that I would consider a part of this grouping, but I went through my archives and found 2, both taken during our trip to Yellowstone this past summer.

The first is of a geothermal Pool, and the tops of the trees reflected in it.

The second is the reflection of the mountains in a window in Nevada City - a Living Museum.

I also realize I missed Photo Friday this week - shame on me because I got some cool stuff this week. Those will go into next Friday's post because I want to add this video here. It is simple, and powerful, and I feel it needs to be shared. Thank-you Barry for getting the word out!

Dreams

I had Two weird Bee dreams this morning.

In the first, I was in Dublin, at either Frankie, Johnny, and Luigi too, or at the Dublin Heritage Center, and walked over a weedy area (short clover like weeds), when both bees and wasps landed on me. As I was starting to brush them away, the wasps all stung at the same time, five on my left hand and forearm, and one on my right foot. The bees didn't sting at all. I woke up.

In the second dream, a wasp was flying around my bedroom, and flew toward my face, as I was laying in bed. I swatted it away, and it came at me in attack. I tried to throw the blankets over it unsuccessfully and jumped out of bed. That's when I woke up.

Perhaps this is needless to say, but I did not get much restful sleep. It could have been due to my oldest having had a bad dream and climbing into bed with us, which meant I got the middle, and elbows and knees for the rest of the night. And it was definitely coupled with the bee dreams.

So I looked up what this all means here. The dictionary lists them as follows:

Bees
To see bees in your dream, symbolizes wealth, good luck, harmony, and bliss. Bees are also symbolic of hard work and industry as represented by the common phrase "busy as a bee." Alternatively, the dream could indicate all that is happening in your life or something that is buzzing with activity. Is there a lot going on in your life? (seriously? I should have been dreaming about bees all along!)

Wasp
To see a wasp in your dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings. (hmm, can't imagine why)
To dream that you are stung by a wasp, symbolizes growing envy and hatred towards you. (wow!)
To dream that you kill a wasp signifies your fearlessness to ward off your enemies and maintain your ethics and rights. (this would have put my mind at ease, unlike my inability to kill the wasps in my dreams...)

Sting
To dream that you are stung represents some action or remark that has hurt you. You are not letting it show how it has affected you. However, the pain is making its way into your dream scape. Alternatively, the dream may also be a metaphor for being in love.

Left
To dream of the direction left, symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity. (so, I'm being stung/hurt/hated/envied because of my passivity?)

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views. (not sure on this one, as it was only one vs. five stings, so maybe a minor hurt because I am doing the right thing or leaning to the right?)