Ok-ness

I'm not ok. Not now, maybe not for a long while. Intrinsically I know I will be ok at some point, but I am having a difficult time seeing my way through my current situation to a point of just being ok. Not even a place of happiness, just ok-ness. I am just so sad. So stuck. So angry. Crying is helping and not all at the same time. Sometimes I am just so tired of being strong. Sometimes I just need arms to hold me and a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I need someone on my side, telling me it will be ok, even if it isn't, and boosting me up. I don't get that from anyone right now, and maybe that is really the deal. That we each have to have a level of that within ourselves. Maybe I need to be able to refill my own strength reserve. Maybe I shouldn't need another person or people to do that for me, to validate me in that way. I am the nurturer, the rock, the sounding board. I am the advisor for many people in many ways. I need nurturing too. Maybe it is too much to expect that from just one person, or from a select group of people. Is it time to weed my friend garden again? To rid it of the weeds who threaten to choke out the healthy relationships. Do I have any weeds? And more importantly, do I have any healthy relationships to nurture?

Letters and Remebrances

I received a letter this weekend from a dear friend of my parents'. She is around 70 years old and has had a difficult time with aging as of late. She sent along with the letter, a little Christmas craft that I will do next Christmas with my kids, and a portrait of herself at age 65. In the letter she thanked me for remembering her and for sending along photos of my kids every year. However, it was the way she worded her last sentence, that has me thinking about it since. "Thanks again sweet girl for honoring me with the gift of rememberance." The letter has brought forth a flood of emotions and memories of how she so influenced my life when I really needed it. If you've read this blog, you know I have Mother issues. I love my Mom, but we do not see eye to eye, and have not always gotten along particularly well. This friend came into my family's life when I was an early teen, awkward and unsure, not fitting into the mold my Mom thought of as a teen girl, and trying to find my way.

She taught me:
That garlic is essential in cooking anything Italian, and that there was such a thing as Italian cuisine, and to appreciate it.
To live and love with an enormous appetite.
That being a broad was just as good as being a lady.
That you can be an adult and still not be a morning person, and it's ok to get up, send people off to school and work, and go back to bed until noon. Someday I hope to do just that!
That Red wine should be enjoyed with heavy foods.
To appreciate and come to adore Neil Diamond, especially "Forever in Blue Jeans".
That every Christmas is an occasion to remember.
That being a mom, did not mean denying yourself passions of the flesh - They had a framed saying in their living room, "God made man from string. He had a little left, so he left a little thing. God made woman from lace, he didn't have enough, so he left a little space. Thank God!"

She brought my Sister and I ornaments every year, and these are still some of my cherished decorations. She also introduced me to Father Nature's in Danville, where I still go, but I only invite people who are important to my life, because to me, this is the place to bring people to show them how important they are to you.

The one memory that has had my blubbering all weekend (PMS, perhaps?) is one she likely does not even know about. My Sister and I were staying the weekend at their home, and we'd gone to bed while waiting for our parents to arrive. When they did, I was still awake, but pretended to be asleep, and I overheard their conversation, when (as parents always do), my folks asked how we behaved, and she replied that I was very patient an generous with my little sister, and she remarked how exceptional that was. The example she brought up was something I had not even given a second thought. That someone had noticed the good in me, and that it was so much a part of who I was, even at that horrible age, was eye opening, and made me understand the need to be kind, and that even when my parents didn't notice, other people did. It is the reason I go out of my way to tell parents how well behaved their children are, and try to make sure to point out their good points and specific examples, while the kid is in earshot.

I need to thank her for all of the gifts she has given me.

Thank-you Lori.

My Town shoot OUt - 10 minutes

OK, so I meant to go 10 minutes away, and indeed may do just that before the weekend is up - and shoot incredible photos.

But today I was at a Happy Hour Playdate with my friends. We drank Sangria, and ate a TON of appetizers, and laughed, and cried, and all the bonding stuff we do. All this while our kids tore around like crazy people and played and laughed and fought and were really very loud. It was a blast, and needed, and relaxing, and I truly love my friends. Truly.

Image is not mine.
And as I reflect upon the afternoon and evening, I am reminded of this song:

Thank-you to the Universe

On Monday I had a REALLY crappy day. All around BS from The Dude, work, parents at The Boys' school - you name it, it was all hitting the fan. I was angry as all hell, and ended up writing 10 pages of brain dump in my journal before bed. I woke up on Tuesday with a completely jacked up neck and shoulders and feeling like I hadn't released my anger from the day before. There was a bright spot during my day - having lunch with two good friends.
I awoke to one of my daily affirmations - you can sign up to receive these, and mostly they just make me refocus on happiness, and my long term goals, but occasionally one hits the nail so greatly on the head that it becomes an a-ha moment. The Oprah kind:

not the 80's pop band kind:


This was the message that greeted me from The Universe:
By the way, dear Jeannine, the world doesn't need fixing.

Neither do you.
And dreaming for more, bigger, and zippier, doesn't mean you can't be happy today.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Then I visited my friends around the Internet, Mark had an especially fitting post, which you can read here.
Well then - I suppose The Universe is really trying to tell me something. That I am unhappy in all of these things because I choose to be and/or, I am unhappy with myself for some of these things as well... Back to self reflection, navel gazing and over processing...

Oh and then today, this was put up - FINALLY a new post that made me truly laugh out loud AND cry with laughter. All this, AND Naked Jen is in town - I need to go eat with her and that involves Saturn Cafe and FLTs....  I'm drooling already!

For Barry - a warming posture I learned in Tai Chi

I promised Barry that I'd post this with pictures, and I figured out a way to do it!

Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, pointing at 90 degrees from each other, weight evenly distributed on each foot, as well as between both feet.

Bend your knees, like you are sitting back into the posture, keeping your back in alignment from bottom to the top of your head.

Don't forget to breathe.

Your left arm will be in fromt of your chest, palm facing down, tip of fingers of left hand in front of your right shoulder. Left arm parallel to the ground, and a couple of inches from your body.

Remember again to breathe.

Your right arm will be near your private area, palm facing up, elbow bent so that your upper arm is perpendicular to the floor. Your hand is a few inches from your body, and directly below where your left hand would be, if your left hand were aligned at the center of your body.

You will be looking over your right shoulder.

Your hands are in a modified "holding a ball" posture, and I hold this in a relaxed manner, shoulders relaxed, breathing, for as long as I can, or until I am quite warm.

Don't forget to Ring a Bell tomorrow for Barry!

So what's up

This week has been rather shitty. One of The Boys' friends lost his father to cancer. I feel betrayed by my love, and my head is spinning. I'm not eating right, not sleeping well, have a headache, and don't know what to do. It's open fucking enrollment for benefits at work, so I have to be able to analyze the 6 health care choices, and pick what's right for us all, while realizing that the Optomotrist I've been seeing SINCE COLLEGE, is not on the new vision plan for work, which will cost me an arm and a leg to continue to see (pun intended). So now I can go to Sears eye center... I need to see my chiropracter (also not covered by my health benefits). There are only 78 shopping days left until Christmas, and I have The Oldest's Birthday before then. Work is draining, the PTA meeting from last night was tense - and 3 hours long. Halloween Fun Night is right around the corner, and I'm getting more stressed out as the days go on. My budget tracking is still hit or miss, though more hit than miss. On the bright side (really, is there one today?) I am continuing to lose weight, which I have been working on doing since the beginning of August. The Boys are doing well in Soccer and Theater, and we are all relatively healthy. I am still grateful for my life - the good, the bad, and the really ugly. I'm happy I live with boys because I don't think I could take girl drama on top of what is going on. Yes even with the potty talk, the fart jokes and the belching, I love The Boys. I also love MDH, though this is a particularly rough patch in our relationship.

And now that I've vented, I feel just a teeny tiny bit better.

I'm here, but not feeling it

It was a very tough week for me emotionally. I've been feeling left out and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm really getting tired of being the peacemaker and go between. I'm also tired of being completely and nearly solely responsible for many of the things in my life. I had a mental breakdown on Wednesday, which is not nearly as fun as a Foggy Mountain Breakdown... It had me bawling, and not the sad, movie type crying, but the let it all hang out sobbing, or as Oprah calls it - The Ugly Cry. By Thursday I felt a bit better, but still held under the weight of it all being just too much. Thursday night, I went out with some friends to Shecky's, drank too much between the pre-event, event itself and post-event, and had a killer hangover on Friday which didn't clear until almost 10:30. I really have to remember that I don't drink much or often, and I am decades past two week, Buffett inspired benders. Almost had another crying jag at the pre-event happy hour when a friend said that she and another friend needed to just come over and drag me out of the house because she was feeling like I needed more breaks than I get. She's right, and she was also right in knowing that I would not just up and pop over to one of their houses for a break. Re-realized that as neurotic and over thinking as I am, and as crappy of a self-image I have had in the past, that I am much more secure than many of the other people I know. I guess it comes from years of event driven therapy ;-) Had a weird dream Friday morning, not weird in a weird, creepy or scary sense, but weird in the I've never had that type of dream before. And no it wasn't a sex dream - I've had plenty of those! I woke up and wrote in my journal about the emotional support I am not receiving in RL, and how that likely translated into why I had the dream I had. I have too many people I know IRL reading this blog to actually post what the dream was about, which bothers me on a whole other level. I wanted to make this a record of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still finding myself editing what is here in consideration of how much shit I will get because of who I am, and because I'm honest about what is going on. SIGH. I'm getting to the tipping point on giving a rat's ass about what the hell ANYONE thinks about me, my family or my life.

Missed out on a couple of Photo Challenges, and actually did a shoot for money earlier in the week. Also almost complete with the edits to the wedding book I've been working on. It involved photo shop and adding a few pages, finding lyrics and ensuring page layouts were good. Almost ready to go to print! What I did shoot last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

And because it actually cheered me up:

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

This weekend was a bit busy, but not too bad. Had an afternoon Baseball game on Saturday, and the Baseball pictures and Hit-a-thon on Sunday afternoon. I did manage to do all of the laundry and really clean the house which makes me feel much better this morning. I also planned a birthday dinner for my mom, here at my house. And I grilled a tri tip. Yes me. The vegetarian. It was medium rare and juicy too. See what watching the food network can do? I also made potato salad, grilled asparagus (thanks to sis for bringing and marinating), my famous guacamole and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I'm beat, but couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch the final two episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race. Holy crap, now that's some good TV! I swear I need to go to a good drag show and soon! Now, who will come with me? Do I hear crickets? Oh, come on now!

Very well. On to a new subject. I have an infection on my nose. It started as a zit, then grew to a purple bulb, spawning four more zits, and now? now it has taken over half my face. OK, not half, but I do have a fairly sizable nose, and it's taken over a good portion of the lower left side of that. I did the neosporin and a band aid for today because I really didn't want to get the look from people at the kids school. As it was, they all asked what was up with the band aid. Except for my friend and esthetician who said if it was worse than when she saw me on Saturday, then I needed to go to a Dr. I made the appointment for Tuesday morning, and I've no doubt it will be painful as all hell. And if Lou is reading this, keep breathing, it absolutely does NOT look like your nose did. And I will call you and let you know what the Doc has to say about it. Or send an IM. Anywhooooo, Of course being the freckly mess I am, I did have the stray thought about skin cancer, but quickly banished the thought, deep sixed it, and said a few affirmations for my continued good health. I mean, who wants a snap on nose ala Michael Jackson or Stevie Nicks? And who on earth would be able to blend the freckles to match on a prosthesis? I'd have to let the kids have a go with sharpies!

Oh, and BTW - the annual mammogram came back clear (yeah me!) with a mom and 2 aunts who have survived, my chances are genetically what they are. I'd like to think that the veg thing, and the seeming lack of unhealthy vices will keep me free from the dreaded disease. Sure I could lose weight and exercise more, and so I continue to battle my self control and my desires.

Now I have the fur butt cat bitching at me to go to bed, and so I go!

I believe in angels

Woke up with this song going through my head - has been all day, especially the lyric above.

ABBA - I Have A Dream
Uploaded by djoik

Got a call from another cohort at work. Evidently my name is on a list of folks that have been surplussed. He wanted to know if I was taking the money and running, or looking to stay. When I told him I was looking to stay, he asked for my resume, and said he will advocate for me and my team for positions in his organization - YAY! Now I know why the song was in my head all morning.

This popped on in the car on my way to a photo walk:



I listened to this ENDLESSLY in High School. This clip actually had me laughing - remember the Solid Gold Dancers? Marilyn McCoo?
Later in the afternoon, this came across. Normally I wouldn't link to that website, and I wouldn't have if I could have found this version elsewhere, but I didn't. Ru Paul looks AWESOME! I admit to having an obsession with drag queens, and have written about it before.

During my walk I was able to see a couple of streets downtown that I normally do not get to walk. It was eye opening, and nice to slow down the pace and listen to the sounds of the area. I'll have some of the photos in my Friday post, and for Sunday Stills.

I was blown away last night after stumbling across this blog. Nick is only 20, but some of his thoughts are right on the money and I will be using some here. Yesterday's thought that completely hit it on the head for me: "Never let someone become so much of yourself that you lose yourself if you lose them. Love is a chance, not a guarantee…embrace what comes but never fight for what leaves." Nick gets it, and I look forward to reading how his philosophy evolves as he goes along.

My thought of the day, that was brought back to light recently is a quote from the movie Unbreakable, "The villain is the hero of his own story." Too true, and when you are too close to a situation to see the bigger picture, it is even more difficult to see this fact. It's true for normal people too. Many people are just going through their lives with blinders on, thinking that they are doing the right thing, the just thing, and not accepting the reality that their actions and words affect those around them, sometimes very profoundly, and sometimes for the worse. There is a sad lack of self reflection and evaluation. If you knew how badly things were going to turn out, would you have made the same decisions? Why, or why not? I've found that even major cluster fucks of life can provide the opportunity to learn about life, about yourself, about the worth of family and friends. In the immediate aftermath, I think we'd all say that we would do things differently, but after sometimes years of reflection, we find the lesson we were supposed to learn all along. It is then that we change to knowing why things happen, and why we wouldn't change a single thing.

And now some light hearted fair for your enjoyment:

Dreams

I had Two weird Bee dreams this morning.

In the first, I was in Dublin, at either Frankie, Johnny, and Luigi too, or at the Dublin Heritage Center, and walked over a weedy area (short clover like weeds), when both bees and wasps landed on me. As I was starting to brush them away, the wasps all stung at the same time, five on my left hand and forearm, and one on my right foot. The bees didn't sting at all. I woke up.

In the second dream, a wasp was flying around my bedroom, and flew toward my face, as I was laying in bed. I swatted it away, and it came at me in attack. I tried to throw the blankets over it unsuccessfully and jumped out of bed. That's when I woke up.

Perhaps this is needless to say, but I did not get much restful sleep. It could have been due to my oldest having had a bad dream and climbing into bed with us, which meant I got the middle, and elbows and knees for the rest of the night. And it was definitely coupled with the bee dreams.

So I looked up what this all means here. The dictionary lists them as follows:

Bees
To see bees in your dream, symbolizes wealth, good luck, harmony, and bliss. Bees are also symbolic of hard work and industry as represented by the common phrase "busy as a bee." Alternatively, the dream could indicate all that is happening in your life or something that is buzzing with activity. Is there a lot going on in your life? (seriously? I should have been dreaming about bees all along!)

Wasp
To see a wasp in your dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings. (hmm, can't imagine why)
To dream that you are stung by a wasp, symbolizes growing envy and hatred towards you. (wow!)
To dream that you kill a wasp signifies your fearlessness to ward off your enemies and maintain your ethics and rights. (this would have put my mind at ease, unlike my inability to kill the wasps in my dreams...)

Sting
To dream that you are stung represents some action or remark that has hurt you. You are not letting it show how it has affected you. However, the pain is making its way into your dream scape. Alternatively, the dream may also be a metaphor for being in love.

Left
To dream of the direction left, symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity. (so, I'm being stung/hurt/hated/envied because of my passivity?)

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path. Alternatively, perhaps you need to stand up for your "rights". Or it may also represent your right leaning political views. (not sure on this one, as it was only one vs. five stings, so maybe a minor hurt because I am doing the right thing or leaning to the right?)

Words of encouragement

Today, I was sent the following:
Economic conditions are more affected by human beliefs and expectations than by oil prices or political concerns. This is true for you personally, as well as for everyone globally. Your personal finances are greatly influenced by your expectations and emotions, so it’s doubly important to keep your thoughts and feelings at as high a level as possible.
* Avoid any thoughts or discussions about blaming politicians, countries, or anyone else for your personal or the global economy. Placing blame upon others puts you in a victim role, energetically. This lowers your energies and causes you to attract more experiences of victimization.
* If you are around someone (including media reporters) who is making negative statements about money or the economy, silently (or aloud if the person is open-minded) say: “Cancel, Clear, Delete” or “In spiritual truth, we are all perfectly and abundantly supported. I now open my arms to receive and share plentifully.”
* Engage in activities that make you happy! Please don’t scrimp on hobbies or trips, but instead look at them as investments in your happiness, which is the most important influence in your personal economic conditions. When you are happy, you automatically attract and create new opportunities. Your happiness also lifts up the energies of those around you.
* Affirm frequently: “God is omnipresent love, wisdom, and creativity. I am forever one with God’s grace and love. I am completely supported in all ways by the love of God. I follow my Divine guidance along pathways of giving of selfless service, and receiving the support that God offers to everyone.”
* Keep your thoughts about other people’s finances at a very high level. Frequently affirm that we are all richly abundant in all ways. Avoid any pity thoughts about anyone, but do give donations and support as you are guided.
* Don’t worry about HOW your finances will be supported or resolved. Remember that God’s creativity, wisdom, and love is boundless. Your prayers will be answered in surprising, miraculous, and unexpected ways.
* Whenever you get a strong intuitive lead to do something positive, follow it without delay! Remember that God frequently answers your prayers by giving you strong and repetitive messages to take action. These messages may come to you as an emotional or physical feeling; an idea or inspiration; a vision or dream; or words that you hear. As you follow this guidance, you co-create the answer to your prayers.

Today I needed it!
I also worked "Wash and Set" into a conversation! Of course it was with my new hairdresser. This is my first cut in about 9 months, and I'll have to give it at least a day before reaching a verdict. She was a very good listener, and had some good suggestions - not just for my hair, but also for my interview hair style. I think she's pretty cool, so we'll see.
It's always a trauma for me to change people who care for me, be it doctor, dentist, massage therapist, chiropractor, you name it. Once I find someone I like and can work with, I stick with that person. It took me SEVEN years to find my last hair person, who I had for 10 years. The person before that, I had for 7 years and was my first "real" hair dresser. I've only had 2 dentists my entire life. You get the point.
We were also discussing what one thing you would have as a daily indulgence, if money were no object. Mine is a daily shampoo, thus the was & set conversation. I find it very relaxing.

Here's to new hair!

Intense Therapy

I had a very emotional and intense massage today. I was bawling for most of it, releasing on lots of built up resentment, anger, and regret. It was so intense, at one point I thought I was going to burst into flame. I've had some experiences in my life, where I can truly feel a power surging through me. It is heightened during meditation, drumming circles, group meditation, and Reiki. Today was 1,000 times stronger than I have EVER felt it. I was just pouring out, and filling up with power at the same time. I have a new massage therapist. She is an empath. Intuitive, and VERY direct. She told me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. She called me on my shit, and she was awesome.

I am exhausted tonight. I need to type this out before I forget.

I am on my path. I have chosen it, and I have named it. I've given the universe my intentions and I know the way. I will remain focused on my path and continue to grow.

Peace be with you, my peace I give to you.

Thank-you Jasmina