Tableau Tuesday 4/9/2013

Well, it seems that I am getting back into writing these days. I feel better being able to devote time to getting stuff out of my head and into print, be it journals or here, or one of my other places.
Without further ado, a Tableau Tuesday from Disney Trip:


Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Have a happy week everyone!

Monday Morning Spring Break Wrap Up

This wraps a Spring Break marked by a vacation. the first of 5 that will be the same destination at the same time of year. The Oldest had his first band trip to Disneyland. The band marched on Main Street, and it really brought back some great memories. Made me realize just how old he is getting.

Took The Youngest with me, and was able to spend time just the two of us, which was really nice. Also ate a TON of really rich food, but walked all day long for days on end. Looking forward to the next 4! Realized this last week that on the final trip with the band, I will be able to take my family to Club 33 to celebrate my 20 year anniversary with the company. That makes me happy too!

Brain fluff

At this point I seem to only think about posting once a month. I should get back to it as this blog helps me voice some of the crap floating around in my head.

Current dilemma - I see myself as one way, which seems to be refuted by MANY people in my life. I have been taken aback by people's differing views for a few weeks now. Interesting, and I think a bit unsettling. But, I also think I know where this is coming from (both my need to voice my labels, and the disagreements).

I have recently begun hanging out with a new group of people - single lesbians. To those for whom this may be news - I am bi. Not having any lesbian friends and REALLY poor female gaydar makes for a lonely existence when desiring a woman. This is making me feel far less alone in the world, which I need. No dating prospects at this time, but I'm not turning away from the group either. Have found people who are genuine and cool and want to spend more time with them.

So, I see myself as butch-ish (grown up tomboy), and no one else irl sees that. But I think it is a subtlety of language that is the hang up. I am a strong woman (for sure); not manly, but certainly more than capable of taking care of myself and my family (which I ascribe more to male energy). I am also a nurturer by nature, and most have responded that I am more earth mother in their eyes. What I think when I hear that is a zaftig woman in flowing tie-dyed robes, dancing in a drum circle, under the full moon. And really, that image probably isn't as far off as I think it is.

What I really want is no label. I just want to be me. I want someone in my bed. Not entirely sure if I want a partner. Don't think it's entirely fair to ask someone to make me the first priority, when I absolutely will not do the same. I have smallish kids who are my focus, and I cannot sacrifice their future for anything, let alone bringing any more crazy people into their lives. And so, do I live a monastic life until The Boys move out? Do I take a lover or a series of lovers to satisfy my physical needs, while maintaining my emotional distance, and relying upon friends to fill my emotional intimacy needs? Not entirely healthy (perhaps).

Do I even need to state a goal other than meeting new people and having a social life? Are my desires born from the "Anything that isn't what I had for the past 20+ years"? What could be further from that than a femme woman? And is that what I even want? I need more empirical data. So I need to date, and kiss, and fuck.

What I do not need is psychologically crippled people. I do not need to rescue anyone, or have anyone rescue me. I want a person in my life, just no clue what that looks like right now, or ever. Always been bad at one night stands, and don't consider myself a player, but may have to adopt a bit of that to just get out and start seeing where things lead.

There is more in my brain on this, but for now I need to just mull these things over.

Happy Birthday Pumpkin Pie!

 Today marks the 10th Birthday of The Youngest. This kid has weathered alot over the last year, and it has taken a toll on his happiness. He is still my natural born diplomat, and can still make me laugh with a look or just a word. I am constantly surprised by his intellect and thoughtfulness. He is a rough and tumble boy of boys, an everyboy. Underneath that rough exterior and often thorny attitude is the heart of a little boy, yearning to be understood and loved.

I do love him, with all of my heart and soul. He knows it too. I can only hope to make the next ten years as enjoyable and full as the first tn have been.

Interesting what a bit of attention can garner

So last week was the ceremony for my city's Citizen of the Year award, for which I was nominated. I'll wait to tell you if I won, but I wanted first to tell you of the guest list, and give you some idea of what I was walking into - the stress level anyway.

Seated to my left was one of my children (of course). To the left of him were my parents (by design, you'll see why) then  my sister and her boyfriend. To my right was up for grabs between my best friend, my first boyfriend, and the person who spearheaded the campaign to nominate me. My best friend won and my other child was to her right. My first boyfriend had his current boyfriend with him, but they were sitting toward the back due to stomach issues. Rounding out the cast was supposed to be my ex mother-in-law, but she had her mother's health issues to handle. My nominator sat at a different table, with other people who came to support me. All of the people at my table were mostly by my invitation, two invited themselves. My mother does not like two of the people at the table, not including me. My first boyfriend is terrified of my parents 35 years later.

I haven't had sex with anyone I invited, though I would with two of them. Easily. There is a possibility that could happen with one of them. Some of the people at the table know I am Bi, some do not.
The Citizen of the Year is given to recognize volunteerism benefiting our community. There are three awards in total, Citizen of the Year, Young Citizen of the Year and Organization of the Year. There were 5 volunteers up for the same award as I. My fears going into the evening were me outing myself in a grand setting, and people outing me. Also, having at least one person at the table with no internal filter, a loud voice, and low tolerance for diversity in a diverse crowd... Well, you get the point.

So the evening went as follows:
The boys and I arrived at the same time as BFF. My parents were there and had a table saved. My parents were welcoming to everyone, and my sister looked stressed out. I walked around and read all of the nominations, noticing that one nominee had four separate nominations. This same person is the former mayor of my city, so I knew I had little to no shot at this award and decided to enjoy the food and champagne. I received roses and a bottle of Jameson's as congratulations from my friends, and two certificates and a mini key to the city. It was a fun evening, and I feel very fortunate to be is the company of such remarkable people.
My parents told me they were proud of me, and everyone was surprised by how much I actually do. I was touched by the nomination, and felt it to be a very special recognition. I talked to a bunch of people I already know, and many I don't, and I honestly had fun.
Oh, here is a pic of the nomination - they blew these up on large boards around the room:

Yeah, I am possibly never wearing that shirt again - it is literally the only read piece of clothing I own, and this was taken on Lunar New Year, in front of the dragon on red.

Happy VD Bitches

So today is St. Valentine's Day. I don't have anyone romantically in my life, so this seemed appropriate.

Laissez les bons temps rouler

This weekend marked Mardi Gras celebrations across the globe, but more importantly, within driving distance to me. I spent the weekend in Nevada City just relaxing and visiting with people I hadn't seen since last year. The ex was disappointed that it seems I got this particular (and the only shared) party in the divorce. He called twice and asked how the party and parade were before he got to the reason he was supposedly calling.

I did not hook up with anyone, and going into the weekend I thought that a distinct possibility. I miss kissing. Really miss it, almost more than sex. At least that was my thinking before the weekend. However, I have now come to the conclusion that the simple and final act of the day of saying good night, and having it said back, right before falling asleep, is what I was missing.

Was up until 3am talking to a dear sweet friend, who's friendship I have truly missed, and those were our final words of the night/morning. she took good care of me emotionally, which is exactly what I needed. This year I am more at peace, and happier than the past few years. I still hit bumps in the road, but I just shrug them off.

No naked people this year - I think it is too cold and we are all past that point in life. We were much more into eating the mini muffeletta appetizers and drinking some seriously strong margaritas.

I love this party and my dear friends.