Christmas was fine. Different (as they all have seemed to be recently) but fine. I really missed The Boys, and cried a hell of a lot over the 24th and 25th. They have been with me since Christmas, and I love having their noisy energy here. I also love having time off of work to just be with them.
This is typically a week of quiet reflection for me. This year my thoughts turn to the future. Where will I be a year from now? Will my divorce finally be final? Will my taxes be paid off? Will I be just as happy as I am in the moment right now? Will I still be loved? Will The Boys pull their grades out of the gutter? Will their minds reside in the gutter instead? Am I raising respectful young men? How will The Oldest (and by extention, I) handle High School? Will The Youngest find a passion that will carry him forward? How will I do living with Corky? Will my craziness drive her to the arms and bed of another? All mysteries yet to reveal the answers.
What I do know is that I will still love my life, the boring ruts, and the unexpected ups and downs. Corky will likely still be in my life (and my house), The Boys will still be their crazy, loving, obnoxious selves. I will hopefully still be laughing to the point of peeing with Corky. The Cat and Dogs and Fish will all still be well taken care of and loved.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Holiday thoughts
So this is the first year in The Boys entire lives that they will not wake up at my home on Christmas morning. Corky didn't spend the night either, which leaves me as the only human in my home on Christmas Eve. Two Dogs, a cat and several fish, while nice, are not the best companions when one is feeling sad and missing her babies. (Me. I am missing my babies). I have not been without them on Christmas morning ever. NOT EVER. Since they came out of my body, they have spent EVERY Christmas morning here with me. I have seen their faces light up with glee at their stockings and presents and the magic of it all. Now they are old enough to know the truth about Santa, but still young enough to love the magic, and I won't get to see that. I miss them. Horribly.
Christmas Eve was spent with dear friends, and it was very nice, and there was laughter, and a seance, and my deceased godmother, so pretty cool. I love that I wasn't moping about at home because right now, sitting here, it is lonely. I will wake up lonely and I will probably cry between now and then, and also when I awaken without the sounds of sneaking children and whispered excitement.
This is a tough year for so many people I know, as well as people I don't. I hurt for all of us. I wish for everyone to have peace in their hearts, to be able to be themselves without fear, and to know they are loved.
Christmas Eve was spent with dear friends, and it was very nice, and there was laughter, and a seance, and my deceased godmother, so pretty cool. I love that I wasn't moping about at home because right now, sitting here, it is lonely. I will wake up lonely and I will probably cry between now and then, and also when I awaken without the sounds of sneaking children and whispered excitement.
This is a tough year for so many people I know, as well as people I don't. I hurt for all of us. I wish for everyone to have peace in their hearts, to be able to be themselves without fear, and to know they are loved.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up
One of the final weekends of 2014 & the weekend before Christmas. It was only kind of busy, but it seemed like I wasn't home.
Friday
Corky had an epidural on her back to hopefully relieve her pain. I drove, waited and drove home, and I tried to knit while waiting, but was such a nervous wreck that I ended up having to unknit 4 or 5 times while waiting... Picked up Chinese for lunch on the way home because she was starving, having not eaten since 6pm Thursday night. I knew The Boys would be hungry after their minimum day as well. Met The Boys at home and we all ate lunch, then Corky lay down while The Boys watched TV waiting for their father to pick them up. It was supposed to be at 3, but was actually closer to 5:00. The Youngest was pretty upset that he was so late. The Oldest is rather used to that level of accountability.
Saturday
We were up and out most of the day. We visited Corky's sister in the hospital and I was able to finally meet her. She looked pretty good considering the circumstances. Corky, another of her sisters and I had lunch together after the visit which was nice. The rest of the afternoon and evening were spent gathering last minute Christmas presents, and only 1 from my goal of being finished. Dinner and then home to work on another present.
Sunday
Up and out early again. This time we started with grocery shopping before visiting Corky's sister. She was moving around more and irritable. I did find that final gift after several more stops and got home to knit the final stretch.
Friday
Corky had an epidural on her back to hopefully relieve her pain. I drove, waited and drove home, and I tried to knit while waiting, but was such a nervous wreck that I ended up having to unknit 4 or 5 times while waiting... Picked up Chinese for lunch on the way home because she was starving, having not eaten since 6pm Thursday night. I knew The Boys would be hungry after their minimum day as well. Met The Boys at home and we all ate lunch, then Corky lay down while The Boys watched TV waiting for their father to pick them up. It was supposed to be at 3, but was actually closer to 5:00. The Youngest was pretty upset that he was so late. The Oldest is rather used to that level of accountability.
Saturday
We were up and out most of the day. We visited Corky's sister in the hospital and I was able to finally meet her. She looked pretty good considering the circumstances. Corky, another of her sisters and I had lunch together after the visit which was nice. The rest of the afternoon and evening were spent gathering last minute Christmas presents, and only 1 from my goal of being finished. Dinner and then home to work on another present.
Sunday
Up and out early again. This time we started with grocery shopping before visiting Corky's sister. She was moving around more and irritable. I did find that final gift after several more stops and got home to knit the final stretch.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thoughtful Thursday
Love and hug those around you while you can.
This week I am asking for love, healing thoughts and prayers, good vibes and any positive energy you can send to Corky's sister. J is in the hospital with cancer spread throughout her bones, having spread from the untreated breast cancer. She is not in good shape. We're talking in her leg, possibly hip and spine. She will be facing quite a battle, should she choose to. This week she's had leg surgery and came through well. They took a sample to send for biopsy, and are waiting on the result. Not sure what will happen after that. She still will have physical therapy and rehabilitation before anything else. The question will be if she chooses treatment or not. This sister has not always chosen her health over other things, and she is now suffering. I wish for her clarity and love, and a feeling of nurturing. I'll keep this updated as I hear more.
Update from a previous Thoughtful Thursday (in July). My mom came through her mastectomy with flying colors, is again cancer free, and said it was a way easier recovery than her lumpectomies. No chemo this time, and she's doing well. Still undecided about an implant, but seems to be doing fine sans a breast. She has found a community of women who help others through their church and has renewed purpose.
I hope everyone remains healthy and happy going into the Winter Holidays.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up
Did not get everything done I'd hoped to. Such is a weekend here.
Friday
The Boys both have so many missing assignments it isn't even funny. The Youngest was doing really well for a long time, and who knows with The Oldest. His teachers do not update their websites, nor the assignment notifications, so even if the homework or classwork was complete and turned in, it auto updates on the due date in the grading system as a zero if the teacher hasn't entered it yet. 2 of The Oldest's teachers sent notes home that assignments weren't entered, but with a kid who needs to use his system and see reward for using it, this is made exceptionally difficult. Now he is on "why even bother because so and so doesn't even get their part done in a timely manner". I get it. This was my same frustration as a student in middle and high school. So it was an evening of homework.
Saturday
More homework, and me putting up the outdoor holiday decor, including the first inflatable in years - a Santa Dachshund. We bought a tree and put it up with lights. The evening was spent enjoying a local production of The Wizard of Oz which included various friends in the cast. It was a really well done production, and all 4 of us enjoyed it. Late bed time for us all.
Sunday
Slept in for a bit, and went out to breakfast. Got The Boys to clean up their rooms and their bathroom while Corky and I addressed all of the Christmas cards.Then it was off to My Folks' for The Boys' annual gingerbread house building. Corky and I finished the Christmas shopping, then it was home for a pizza dinner. The Oldest was disrespectful toward Corky, and she left in a foul mood. All of it put me in an equally foul mood. The tiredness, sugar crash and holiday stress is starting to get to me.
Friday
The Boys both have so many missing assignments it isn't even funny. The Youngest was doing really well for a long time, and who knows with The Oldest. His teachers do not update their websites, nor the assignment notifications, so even if the homework or classwork was complete and turned in, it auto updates on the due date in the grading system as a zero if the teacher hasn't entered it yet. 2 of The Oldest's teachers sent notes home that assignments weren't entered, but with a kid who needs to use his system and see reward for using it, this is made exceptionally difficult. Now he is on "why even bother because so and so doesn't even get their part done in a timely manner". I get it. This was my same frustration as a student in middle and high school. So it was an evening of homework.
Saturday
More homework, and me putting up the outdoor holiday decor, including the first inflatable in years - a Santa Dachshund. We bought a tree and put it up with lights. The evening was spent enjoying a local production of The Wizard of Oz which included various friends in the cast. It was a really well done production, and all 4 of us enjoyed it. Late bed time for us all.
Sunday
Slept in for a bit, and went out to breakfast. Got The Boys to clean up their rooms and their bathroom while Corky and I addressed all of the Christmas cards.Then it was off to My Folks' for The Boys' annual gingerbread house building. Corky and I finished the Christmas shopping, then it was home for a pizza dinner. The Oldest was disrespectful toward Corky, and she left in a foul mood. All of it put me in an equally foul mood. The tiredness, sugar crash and holiday stress is starting to get to me.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up
Another weekend closer to the New Year and Christmas, and so much to do!
Friday
Work was good, and the evening found Corky and I finalizing our Christmas cards and ordering them. We also worked on tidying up the house and figuring out if we wanted to host a NYE party. I have The Boys this year, and I haven't yet hosted anything in the new house. Because I am writing this rather late on Sunday, I am positive there was something else that happened, but I honestly cannot remember anything PG rated to share...
Saturday
A bit of sleeping in and we were up and running on errands and Christmas shopping, but I am scattered because of my conflicting emotions, and so we did not get a whole lot accomplished, other than wandering various stores and not necessarily buying anything. We had a late lunch out and watched my hometown's Christmas parade, where a couple of my swim team mom buddies were announcing. Maria had never been to a Christmas parade at night, and enjoyed it. Determined what and who we want at our New Year's Eve Party and sent the evite. We came home, popped popcorn and watched a couple of movies too. Also, more adult entertainment... :-)
Sunday
Woken up by crying dogs a couple of times, which resulted in the puppy having a seizure at 3:30 in the morning. Held him while sitting on the floor until it passed, and by then we were all exhausted and went back to bed. Counted my savings with Corky and figured out which method was more productive, as well as prioritized what to spend that $ on. It will be going to repairs on my car. Tires, brakes and rotors this round, and transmission in a little while, followed shortly by catalytic converter. Not cheap, but certainly less expensive than another car. Went back out shopping, this time with a plan and a list. Got all the supplied for my home made items, and knocked a few others off the list. I read while waiting for The Boys to arrive home, with assurances of completed homework. I knit for a while having to pull out and start a Christmas present about 4 times, which is frustrating, but I finally got the new cast on together, and it will be really awesome when complete (which should be tomorrow night). Have at least one more present to knit after that, and possibly 2 more (if I feel up to it and my fingers don't end up in claws).
Friday
Work was good, and the evening found Corky and I finalizing our Christmas cards and ordering them. We also worked on tidying up the house and figuring out if we wanted to host a NYE party. I have The Boys this year, and I haven't yet hosted anything in the new house. Because I am writing this rather late on Sunday, I am positive there was something else that happened, but I honestly cannot remember anything PG rated to share...
Saturday
A bit of sleeping in and we were up and running on errands and Christmas shopping, but I am scattered because of my conflicting emotions, and so we did not get a whole lot accomplished, other than wandering various stores and not necessarily buying anything. We had a late lunch out and watched my hometown's Christmas parade, where a couple of my swim team mom buddies were announcing. Maria had never been to a Christmas parade at night, and enjoyed it. Determined what and who we want at our New Year's Eve Party and sent the evite. We came home, popped popcorn and watched a couple of movies too. Also, more adult entertainment... :-)
Sunday
Woken up by crying dogs a couple of times, which resulted in the puppy having a seizure at 3:30 in the morning. Held him while sitting on the floor until it passed, and by then we were all exhausted and went back to bed. Counted my savings with Corky and figured out which method was more productive, as well as prioritized what to spend that $ on. It will be going to repairs on my car. Tires, brakes and rotors this round, and transmission in a little while, followed shortly by catalytic converter. Not cheap, but certainly less expensive than another car. Went back out shopping, this time with a plan and a list. Got all the supplied for my home made items, and knocked a few others off the list. I read while waiting for The Boys to arrive home, with assurances of completed homework. I knit for a while having to pull out and start a Christmas present about 4 times, which is frustrating, but I finally got the new cast on together, and it will be really awesome when complete (which should be tomorrow night). Have at least one more present to knit after that, and possibly 2 more (if I feel up to it and my fingers don't end up in claws).
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Happy 14th Birthday to The Oldest
Wow, 14. That is definitely into the teen years, and it shows. I am so very proud of the young man into which you are growing. You are kind hearted and loud, easy to smile and talented. Just thinking about you makes me smile. You will always be my beautiful boy, and I want nothing more than you know how very much you are loved.
From your pre-freckle days when you actually loved dill pickles:
To this year's school photo, freckles, braces, and shaving your face:
Happy Birthday Kiddo! Yes, I know that you are significantly taller than me now.
From your pre-freckle days when you actually loved dill pickles:
To this year's school photo, freckles, braces, and shaving your face:
Happy Birthday Kiddo! Yes, I know that you are significantly taller than me now.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Monday Morning Thanksgiving Weekend Wrap Up
Yep, this was Thanksgiving in the US. Yep, we celebrated. Yep, The Boys had the whole week off of school. No, they did not finish their homework before arriving at my house on Wednesday afternoon after spending a week at the ex'. Oh and I only had Thursday off of work, though to be fair the rest of the week was really slow, allowing me to get in on some training I'd been meaning to do.
Thursday
Thanksgiving at my Sister's. I had green salad and pumpkin pie to bring. Totally loved waking up late morning, not having to prep a massive meal and clean. I need to thank her again for hosting. Corky was at one of her sister's homes too, and I missed being able to spend the day with her. The Boys were sort of bored because The Nephews were on phones and xbox all day playing what The Youngest didn't want to play.
Friday
Wanted to decorate for Christmas, but The Boys still had homework before Monday, so it was Homework Friday, instead of Black Friday (though they would argue that it's the same thing). The Youngest made blueberry scones for breakfast which were delicious.
The rest of the day and evening was spent fighting over homework and rehearsal. I nearly lost my voice at one point. Corky chose not to spend the night, and I missed her.
Saturday
All homework was finished, we had breakfast, cleaned house and decorated! This is the first holiday season in this house, so we had to decide where everything was going, including the tree. Figured it all out and I think it looks good. Afternoon and evening were spent making ugly Christmas sweater cookies pictured below:
We watched It's Christmas Charlie Brown and The Birdcage, and just enjoyed each other and a nice fire.
Sunday
Slept in for a bit and had a nice relaxing breakfast before more trombone rehearsal. Eventually we worked our way to My Folks' to celebrate The Oldest's birthday (which happens tomorrow). Snacks, and chicken spaghetti, salad, Swiss chard, and Mary bread for dinner. chocolate cake with chocolate whipped cream frosting and Mexican Train Dominoes after dinner. When we went around the table, we all pointed out why we adore The Oldest, and I made it 2/3 of the way through before tears started spilling down my cheeks. I cry at every single one of these. Every one. I am always so touched by the outpouring of love within our family that I can't help but cry. Corky went home after The Boys showered and I already miss having her here.
I hope you all have a wonderful week.
Thursday
Thanksgiving at my Sister's. I had green salad and pumpkin pie to bring. Totally loved waking up late morning, not having to prep a massive meal and clean. I need to thank her again for hosting. Corky was at one of her sister's homes too, and I missed being able to spend the day with her. The Boys were sort of bored because The Nephews were on phones and xbox all day playing what The Youngest didn't want to play.
Friday
Wanted to decorate for Christmas, but The Boys still had homework before Monday, so it was Homework Friday, instead of Black Friday (though they would argue that it's the same thing). The Youngest made blueberry scones for breakfast which were delicious.
The rest of the day and evening was spent fighting over homework and rehearsal. I nearly lost my voice at one point. Corky chose not to spend the night, and I missed her.
Saturday
All homework was finished, we had breakfast, cleaned house and decorated! This is the first holiday season in this house, so we had to decide where everything was going, including the tree. Figured it all out and I think it looks good. Afternoon and evening were spent making ugly Christmas sweater cookies pictured below:
We watched It's Christmas Charlie Brown and The Birdcage, and just enjoyed each other and a nice fire.
Sunday
Slept in for a bit and had a nice relaxing breakfast before more trombone rehearsal. Eventually we worked our way to My Folks' to celebrate The Oldest's birthday (which happens tomorrow). Snacks, and chicken spaghetti, salad, Swiss chard, and Mary bread for dinner. chocolate cake with chocolate whipped cream frosting and Mexican Train Dominoes after dinner. When we went around the table, we all pointed out why we adore The Oldest, and I made it 2/3 of the way through before tears started spilling down my cheeks. I cry at every single one of these. Every one. I am always so touched by the outpouring of love within our family that I can't help but cry. Corky went home after The Boys showered and I already miss having her here.
I hope you all have a wonderful week.
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