Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Shit floating about in my head

Today there is just so much crap in my head. I am in the middle of training to do a job I shouldn't have to do, will likely not have to do, and feeling like it is a colossal waste of time. My company employs both union represented and non union represented people, as well as contractors, etc. Contracts are up for renegotiation, as they are every 3 years. Three years ago, I trained to climb poles (mind out of the gutter), nine years ago I trained to answer phones and questions on billing, No clue what was six, or twelve years ago - seem to have lost that in a fog. This year I had 50+ on line courses with an average of 2 hours each, and have 6 days and nights of live classroom training, located 2+ hours away from my home...
The Girl Scouts are trying to turn me into a diabetic cow. Insidious little kids with delicious cookies. And most are friends of my kids, so there is an obligation...
I feel like I need to eat less and move more. I am becoming too sedintary.
I feel like I am under threats from various places - finances and relationships primary. Thankfully, work (other than the training) and The Boys' school seem to be doing ok.
The Boys and The Dude were in AZ this past weekend, and they seem to have had fun. My weekend was relatively quiet, and I got some stuff done.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 2/21/2012

Another week, another Tableau Tuesday - all photos taken this last weekend while in Nevada City for Mardi Gras:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday all!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

This was a busy weekend. Not unusually so, but my usual level of busy would put lesser people in the ground...

Friday - The morning working, and the afternoon teaching art. After school, brought The Youngest home, while The Oldest had a DI meeting. Don't know what DI is? Go HERE. I packed myself and The Boys, and The Dude was already gone. After DI, I took The Boys to my Sister's house. She watched them while I had dinner with some friends I haven't seen in years. This is mostly due to The Dude's bridge burning, and my inability to fight for those friendships. They were all VERY supportive, and it wasn't as awkward as I feared. The one person who was invited and recently revealed an inappropriate relationship with The Dude, bowed out, and so it was a good dinner. There is still some interpersonal drama amongst that group, but I do not have the time nor inclination to get involved. Rode BART home and got to bed about 1:30 Saturday morning.

Saturday - I was wide awake at 6am, at my Sister's by 8:15 to pick up The Oldest, and off to the DI regional tournament. I worked the Score Room, and The Dude showed up at 11:30. My Sister dropped off The Youngest at noon, and I took a break to watch their Team Challenges. They both did a great job, and I was back in the score room until the final awards ceremony at 6pm. The Oldest's team is going to the State tournament, and the Youngest's isn't. The Youngest and one of his friends had melt downs, and it was not a fun ride out of there. I dropped The Boys at my folks' - with my Sister and Nephews, and my Sister's Youngest was able to pull The Youngest out of his funk. I left around 7:30 and drove for almost 3 hours to get to the Mardi Gras party in Nevada City. The party was still in full swing, and the inappropriate relationship person was there. I hadn't planned a response if she were, and ended up not even able to look at her, or acknowledge her in any way. I am a bit torn between feeling  bad about it, and feeling proud that it wasn't more of a scene. I ended up having one drink and just going to bed at around midnight.

Sunday - slept in until 7am. Got up, had coffee, took a shower and got ready. Made breakfast for the house with friends from Friday's dinner, and walked around town before the parade. The Youngest called once while I was wandering. Got back in time to decorate my car and get the beads loaded in. The Youngest called a second time right before the parade. I drove the parade while listening to music, and throwing beads to the record crowd. After the parade, pitched in to clean up the house, and wandered back downtown to finish shopping. The Oldest called to ask when I would be home and if the parade was over. Volunteered to clean up from the Carnivale celebration, then had some fantastic Thai food for dinner. Back at the house for a couple of hours of visiting, and in bed around 11pm.

Monday - awake at 7am, packed up, bed stripped, and a cup of coffee before heading downtown for breakfast. More visiting and cleaning up and headed back home. The afternoon and evening were spent listening to The Dude become increasingly impatient with The Boys. They were sent to their rooms several times, once by me to have them clean up, the rest by The Dude as he couldn't take it anymore. I reminded him that he was to go out tonight, and he decided to stay in and take it out on us instead. Lucky me...

Some photos of Mardi Gras:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Listening to this

On repeat.

Go. Do. Love.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Scavenger Hunt

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is a scavenger hunt from Queen Mother Mamaw for Wood, Metal and Stone. I had to reach into the way back machine for a suitable single image that covers all three:
This image is a reflection of a tree and metal construction beams in a puddle on cement, taken at the High School in my town.

Happy Friday all!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday

Hug and love those around you while you can

Today I am asking the universe (and anyone reading) for help for me. Just a thought or a good vibe, or even a prayer for clarity and peace. This week has brought another person forward who had an inappropriate relationship with the person I have been having a relationship with for half of my life. I've had a crisis of self that left me wracked with sobbing, hugging myself and rocking and trying not to wake up my kids. I am stretched thin on mental and emotional strength. I am left wondering if I am even capable of loving any person again, of trusting and giving my heart to another. I have been toying with the idea that I will be alone, and take occassional lovers, but to not have someone to share my life with makes me feel sad in a very intimate and personal way.

I can and likely do come across as a very strong person, cool and detached. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve, if you know what to look for, or even take the time to look at all. I'm feeling vulnerable and naked and raw. And not in a good way. Today I feel like a little kid who has just found out her best friend is conspiring against her. I want and need a hug. I won't get one. Not tonight, not tomorrow, or the day after that. I am torn between wanting to run to my parents and just tell them everything, and my need to not be under their scrutiny. That is its own special version of hell. I will have to tell them something soon, but with no movement toward resolution, I don't think it would be particularly helpful, or healthy.

So just think of me and send a good wish.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 2/7/2012

This week was all about Macros. All shots taken at the school and field behind my house:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday All!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Music Monday - Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - the day was ok. I'd decided that I was doing the things I could in order to make myself a better life. Spent time working and missing a meeting at the school district office. Worked in the classroom in the afternoon on subtractive sculpture, and had to deal with an obnoxious parent hovering and telling the kids to do stuff intentionally wrong, and whipping them up to distract everyone. It is completely inappropriate for him to be in the classroom at all, let alone me having to deal with it. At least he won't be there for the next two years. Weirdly, The dude decided to not hang around for the play date, which was awesome, as the last time he did, he made me uncomfortable, which made my guests uncomfortable, and one who later proclaimed she would not come over if he were there. He left before I did, leaving behind a cheesecake he'd made in the morning to take to a Super Bowl party on Sunday. When I got home from school, the cheesecake was gone and my car had been moved. Whatever.Anyway, on to happier thoughts. After school, I hosted a Happy Hour Play Date and invited one of my first boyfriends who was a hit with the usual crowd. I even had enough to drink that I made chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter cream sauce. I actually went to bed at a decent hour and slept fairly well. And not with anyone other than my cat. One interesting conversation that I was dwelling on the rest of the weekend. My cell phone rang at least 3 times in 15 minutes, with many of the people who would be calling me, all in the room. They all complained about my ring tone, which is a section of this:

My general ring tone is a version performed by the Boston Pops though, and the theme song to Rizzoli & Isles. They all thought it was too march into battleish.
So I told them that the ring tone for them is this:

They all thought it was too pop and cheery to reflect them. They want something dark and sarcastic. I told them it was Amy Winehouse, hoping that would explain it. It didn't though, which caused me to reflect this weekend on what they would prefer. I came to the conclusion that these are MY ring tones for them, and reflect how I feel about them, and you know what? They make me happy, so I have a happy sounding ring tone for them. They can have whatever ring tone they like for me, I don't care. This is what I want to hear when they call, and so it shall be.
Saturday - I had DI appraiser training in the morning, which went from 8:30 - 1:30. The Youngest had a DI meeting from 9-11:30, and the dude dropped him there, while another mom brought him to the training for me. The dude dropped off The Oldest at 11:30 at the training and The Boys had lunch with me and hung out for the last two hours. We walked home and I did laundry and we all just hung out the rest of the day and evening. After The boys went to bed, I got caught up on a couple of shows and read. Until 4:30 in the morning. Did not see or hear from The Dude from that point onward over the weekend.

Sunday - the alarm went off at 7:00 and I questioned my decision making of the late night and early morning. While I loved what I read and was extremely glad I had done so, I felt hungover. I'm calling it a fic hangover. Bleary eyed, exhausted, and bitchy - great way to start the day. The Youngest had tennis and I had The Oldest bring his drum pad, sticks and music to practice for the Spring concert. I spent the afternoon cleaning, doing laundry and ensuring The Oldest also practiced piano. We watched the Superbowl for the ads. The Dude did call the boys - once at 12:30 to tell them he'd be home later and again at 8:15 to say that he wouldn't be home until Monday.
Sounds like the usual to me.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Macro

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is Macro, so I took my macro lens and walked around. Both shots were taken last weekend and only a very short distance from my home.

Happy Weekend all!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Indifference Haiku

Indifference grows
From love to a sad somewhere
Turning me around