Thursday, February 9, 2012
Today I am asking the universe (and anyone reading) for help for me. Just a thought or a good vibe, or even a prayer for clarity and peace. This week has brought another person forward who had an inappropriate relationship with the person I have been having a relationship with for half of my life. I've had a crisis of self that left me wracked with sobbing, hugging myself and rocking and trying not to wake up my kids. I am stretched thin on mental and emotional strength. I am left wondering if I am even capable of loving any person again, of trusting and giving my heart to another. I have been toying with the idea that I will be alone, and take occassional lovers, but to not have someone to share my life with makes me feel sad in a very intimate and personal way.
I can and likely do come across as a very strong person, cool and detached. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve, if you know what to look for, or even take the time to look at all. I'm feeling vulnerable and naked and raw. And not in a good way. Today I feel like a little kid who has just found out her best friend is conspiring against her. I want and need a hug. I won't get one. Not tonight, not tomorrow, or the day after that. I am torn between wanting to run to my parents and just tell them everything, and my need to not be under their scrutiny. That is its own special version of hell. I will have to tell them something soon, but with no movement toward resolution, I don't think it would be particularly helpful, or healthy.
So just think of me and send a good wish.