Daily drivel

Today I had more good news about The Oldest. In addition to the outstanding musician medal on Saturday, he won a scholarship to a two week band camp over the summer. I am so proud of him and how much effort he's been putting into school and music. I checked his grades and he has all As and Bs. Of course, that good news is tempered by having checked The Youngest's grades. Found out that The Youngest is getting two Ds and an F, mostly due to a HUGE assignment that he has not turned in, despite swearing he would finish it at his Father's and turn it in. Neither happened, and I am not all that surprised, but still I sigh the sigh of disappointment and resignation. I had him finish it tonight, and checked the additional homework before they had showers, during which the computer system used to determine missing and late work went down. It came back up after they were in bed... Of course. I had coffee with a friend who is doing particularly well, and I am happy for her. Also met with the principal of the middle school and outlined my issues with various teachers, as well as the current thoughts of other parents.

Today I also came to the realization that I need to buy all new bedding before Friday, and I'm not sure when I'll have the chance to do so...

Disneyland pics (finally)

I've been busy (as you already know), but I did upload photos from Disneyland. And yes, I did tie dye the shirts :-)

Created with flickr slideshow.

Tableau Tuesday

Photos of the finished knitting - all also on Ravelry

Highlights from the St. Patrick's Parade in my town:

Changes

Changes are coming to my life, and the lives of The Boys. The feeling is bittersweet. A family we have grown close to is moving out of our neck of the woods, and on to more adventures. Their oldest is considered by The Youngest to be his best friend. The mom, and my friend is dear to me, and inspiring, and I really am going to have a difficult time not seeing her regularly. She was a point of normalcy as my world was spinning out of control, and she helped me through so much of my time struggling to be who I am. She is one of the most giving and loving and supportive and positive people I know, and I know she will absolutely spread that love and cheer wherever she goes, I'm just sad she won't be shinning near me.

With this sadness and loss, comes a good change for me and The Boys, for we will be moving to the house they are vacating. I am beyond happy to have this opportunity, and am so looking forward to more bedrooms, and a yard again. The Boys can stop sharing a room, and I feel like I can breathe again. I am so very grateful for the people who have helped take care of me and nurture me over these past two years of heavy transition. I only hope they all know how important they all are in my life.

Thank-you to my landlord, a caring man who was more than willing to help me out of my jam, living where I had been. My sister, who kicked my ass, and made me take responsibility for my shit, and then told our parents on me. She made me better at a time when I was completely on the floor. My dear friend, C, who is moving, who told me I was an inspiration when I surely didn't feel like it at all. For inspiring me and bringing along all of your awesomely crazy friends, who I now consider mine as well. I know you are a part of my family. My friend, T, who lost her husband, and who asked if I'd made the change we all knew I needed to make, but she was the one to voice it first. For my BFF without whom, I might have actually lost my mind. I only hope I can return the favor. For M & E who have been here all along, willing to kick my ass and lend an ear and a car in which to move my shit.

And to you, Corky. For coming into my life and making me see just how wonderful it all is, and how loving and being loved can make it all worth the wait.

More weird dreams

Had another weird dream, which when examined this morning, leads me to believe that I am still working on opening my heart to love. I've had to repair and rebuild my broken heart, and my work is unfinished. Now the layers of protections and walls are being peeled away, and it scares me. To open myself up to another, completely, no protection from heartbreak. It is what Corky deserves, and I continue to work on it, but I'm not totally there yet. Do I love Corky? Yes. Absolutely. Can I give her the love she deserves? I don't know. There is so much wrapped up in my own issues of self worth. Am I worthy of love, well of course, we all are, but that is something I know on an intellectual level. I don't truly feel that. Not yet. What is weird, is getting out of a bad relationship and marriage was about me deserving so much better, and not losing my self respect and self worth. And now, I still have residual worries about being there again. Even though, I KNOW, I truly KNOW in my heart that this is so much different, and in so many ways. I just don't trust myself about it. I thought the ex loved me, and I think he did, at least for a while. I do not know when that stopped. Was it an instant? a series of events? A continuing decline? How do I protect myself against that? I don't, and I can't. I need to let go of it entirely, and stop allowing it to define my life.

More work to do.

And a song that was running through my head as I fell asleep last night:

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

I need to write. It helps me cope with life and make sense out of the crud floating around in my head.

The week was hectic. I ended up needing to take a night off - I'd been out every night, and just wanted to chill, so Corky and I took Thursday off and stayed home. She made me dinner, because she is really good at taking care of me.

Friday
The Youngest was dropped off early, and I had just jumped out of the shower, came downstairs wrapped in a towel, and the ex insisted on having a discussion about how he didn't want The Oldest playing in the pep band at the High School football game because of missing assignments at school. Great start to the day... I had a meeting at the school district office, and taught art in the afternoon. Tiring, but doable. Of course, the ex had to call in the middle of my teaching so that he could tell me that The Oldest now COULD play in the band because the missing assignment was scored a 9 of 10. I sent a text to The Oldest to have him bring his instrument home. I walked in the door after school, and The Oldest wasn't even here yet. The ex called again to say there was another missing assignment and The Oldest was not to play in the band tonight. I said I'd find out what was going on. He called back later to yell at The Oldest, and then argue with me about pep band. I love how I get so much shit when he thinks I may not back up his discipline, but the week of no screen time goes completely unheeded at his house... Put me in a right fucking shit mood for the duration. It is this last minute back and forth bullshit that has always pissed me off, now more than ever. Corky came over, and I am just under so much stress that I burst into tears.
5th grade camp funds due Monday / Pay for the barking complaint / Lawyer fees / CPA fees / Pay for LA band trip / new catalytic converter for my car. I'm sure I'm forgetting something, and that my blood pressure is astronomical...

Saturday
Started by reminding The Oldest that he lost all screen time until he has a week free of missing, late and incomplete assignments. Got him doing homework, after a heated argument about organizational skills, wherein he maintained he was stupid, and I maintained that he is brilliant. Breakfast and homework over for him, and the battle about homework with The Youngest ensued. I worked with him to figure out the dates when he did his work (it took about 10 minutes), and he was finished. The ex stopped by to drop off the 5th grade camp paperwork after his adamant declaration that he could and would pay the balance due Monday. Evidently, he will not be doing that, so I get to pay the full balance. He also turned in the chaperon paperwork late, and may not get to be one. This will be another disappointment for The Youngest. He is at that tipping point between every disappointment causing him great upset, and the knowledge of who he cannot depend upon. The Oldest went through this at about the same age, and it hurts me to watch. All I can do is talk to him and help him figure out how to deal with it. Laundry and more homework. Dog baths and flea meds all around. I decided to read a book today. It was the perfect distraction in an otherwise overwhelming time of my life. More laundry. Made dinner. Realized laundry isn't dry. grrr. Read more. Finished the book. Wasn't surprised by the major plot twist. Bummed me out a bit that it was that predictable. Decided I need to shoot more photos. Realized I'm shooting a wedding next week, which will likely cost me more than I am charging, because they are friends... oh well. Also, Maria is packing for her vacation to Hawaii, and I realized I'm going to miss her - probably just as much as she will miss me. Thinking about how incredible it is that someone can become so important in your life, and that her being here for me is important, in ways no one else has been able to be. So very important. Also, the boys say she's a keeper. I agree.

Sunday
Awoke to a text reminding me to write a weekly parent e-mail. Got my butt up and moving, finished the email, did more laundry, had some coffee, and got The Boys and myself ready. Dropped The Boys at my folks' and headed to Maria's. We took off for her sister's house to celebrate her 50th birthday. This is the first I've had the opportunity to meet her family. Two sisters, their husbands, a niece and her husband and nephew and his girlfriend. They live kind of in a country setting which is really nice and lots of land around them. It felt really warm and welcoming and nice and open. Also got to meet her dad, and a couple of his friends and neighbors. It was a very nice day, and they had lots of pictures of my dearest throughout her life, which were fun to look at. Her niece was very sweet, announcing during the cutting of the cake that she likes me and wanted to get that out there. I'm hoping I made a decent impression on them, because I was really pretty nervous on the way out there. I did find out on the way home that one of Corky's ex' is asking around about what people close to her think of me... Not sure how to take that. Oh, and ended up picking up the boys after dinner, which was expected by me, but not Corky who thought she could somehow leave in the middle of her own party. I was worried I'd catch hell from my folks, but they were actually pretty cool about it. I find it interesting that they still have not asked anything about Corky, or anything. Kind of nice to not be under the previous level of scrutiny, but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I hope you all have a fun week!

 

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap-up

Thursday
Corky and I have been having still more fun. She spent a couple of nights at my house last week. Neither of us slept that much the first night because of late night in bed activities, and having to sleep on the uncomfortable futon. Also, the sides of the futon we slept on didn't really work for us. The second night, we switched sides, and were exhausted, and slept really much better. The in bed activities were planned, but not executed because I was so punchy when we went to bed and broke out in a complete giggle fit that lasted about 30 minutes, with her joining in. We just laughed so hard - me almost to the point of peeing... The risk associated with being of a certain age and having given birth to two HUGE babies. Not to be undone, we continued activities in the morning. :-D. She has changed my mind on so many things (none of which I am at liberty to discuss in a public forum...). Suffice it to say, I now enjoy my sex life more than ever.

Friday
Worked while Corky hung out for a bit at the house. Spent the afternoon working in the classroom and preparing for the annual Tie Dye extravaganza at school. Picked up The Boys from school and let them just relax while I napped for about an hour. Corky joined us after dinner and we all hung out. The boys argued with me about bed time because it was Friday, but I wanted to go to bed early too. I did, after giving them an extra 90 minutes and a warning about being ill behaved in the morning.

Saturday
I slept until 10, which ended up being about 12 hours of sleep that I must have desperately needed. The Boys fought to the point of losing screen time for the day. The Oldest finished his homework, we talked about the incomplete work he turned in during the week and how that impacts his grades. We ate lunch and went to the pool. We all swam and goofed around until the water in my ears got to be too much and I couldn't hear and had a really bad attack of vertigo, with a headache. I got out to lay down and Corky stopped by after work. It's been about 100 degrees for a couple of days and it was nice to cool down a bit. Came home and I balanced my finances, which always bums me out. After a summer that included three trips for me, I have to stop doing anything for myself for a while, lest I go broke... We had dinner and played cards: fibber, 21 & no limit Texas holdem'. I gave The Boys no bed time with the agreement that one whine, complaint, attitude or fight tomorrow will result in them losing 30 minutes from their bedtime permanently. We'll see how that goes. If they can maintain a civil discourse for the day, I give them 30 minutes added to their bed time permanently. They chose to go to bed at 9, at which point I fell asleep on the couch with the dogs. I woke up at 11:20 and hauled myself to bed. By then it had cooled off to a reasonable 75.

Sunday
Woke up a little earlier, to a call from animal control for a noise complaint from Labor Day. I'd been home most of the day, and locked the dogs inside when I went to dinner, but 2 people assertion that the dogs were on the patio barking. Not sure how that could be though. I think my neighbor (the bully) is trying to get me to move, and has his friends call in when he knows I'm not home. Ass hat. I may have to go back to having The Oldest practice his instruments on the patio. Crap start to my day, though the officer is pretty cool. Going to research bark collars now. Because the heat continued, I let The Boys pick our activity today within financial reason. They settled on The Jungle, though I was pushing for an outdoor free activity that would include the dogs. While there, I realized how grateful I am that they are no longer toddlers, and that whistles make a seriously annoying party favor for a 4 year old's birthday party. This was evidenced by my twitching for the first 30 minutes while that party wound down with the whistles, building to full blown tantrums before leaving. The boys sweat it out climbing all over and played a bunch of video games. We had water, but I couldn't do a full blown eating spree. Came home, made pizza and guacamole and Corky came by. I'd missed her all day and was so glad to see her. She sat in on our poker game, and we had another giggle fit started by her pouring ice water down my top, and my smacking her butt, which caused her such surprise that she may have pulled a muscle, which caused us to laugh even harder, and when I tried to stop, I swallowed, but she said I looked like a chicken - cue another giggle fit. I played the below video - cue another giggle fit.


The Youngest jumped out from around a corner, making all three of us scream - cue another giggle fit. We were laughing to the point of my snorting and both of us sounding like Muttley (of Snidely & Muttley). I pointed that out - cue another giggle fit.

I said I'd have to call her Old MacDonald because of all the farm animal noises I was making - cue another giggle fit. Really glad I didn't pee myself, because we were seriously doubled over for a good 40 minutes, just laughing.

I hope you all have just as fun a week as mine has begun - to a great adventure!

Monday Morning Music and Weekend Wrap Up

My weekend started with this on my brain:

And ended with this on my brain:


How did I get from Macklemore to Pavarotti? Let's see.

Thursday - The Oldest had a school friend over to work on a project and they requested Thrift Shop on the way home from school. I missed going to the Farmer's Market though.

Friday - Actually kicked complete ass and caught completely up with work. Had an AC guy come out and fix the AC - it was a blown fuse. Worked in the classroom, but really just kind of hung out and did some minor supervision while my co-teacher took the kids through their self portraits. Added to the fair board, and came home. The Boys were with their father this weekend, so I just hung at home, doing laundry, and cleaning the house.

Saturday - Woke up early to the cat biting my face because she was out of food. Tried to write a grocery list, but was completely uninspired given the new dietary constraints. Gave that up and took the dogs to the dog park where Augie spent the entire time either on my lap, or a short lead, and Simon had a complete blast. The reason Augie was constrained is that he is a complete jerk to other dogs, trying to attack them. He did that the last time I took him to the park, and same thing this time. I will continue to expose him to crowds of dogs (in a limited manner), until he reaches a point where he will be mellow. Part of the problem (or maybe the entire problem) seems to be his lack of other dog socialization as a puppy. He adored Duke, he likes my folks' dog, and really loved the puppies, but any others? not so much.
I had a nice visit with my Bestie, and grocery shopped. The boys were home around 8. The temperature hovered in the low 90's all day, the dogs slept most of that and once it cooled down, I decided to bake. Granola and a cauliflower pizza crust had me in bed at 1am.

Sunday - My kids woke me up at 8 with my present and card, and I asked them if I could go back to sleep. I got out of bed at 10:30 and kicked off the late morning with iced coffee as it was already 85 out. A cup of yogurt and granola rounded out my breakfast. I spent some time outside reading, and it was so relaxing. I made some fruit salad, took a shower, packed up the car, with the dogs and headed to my folks for supper. It was pretty mellow, except for Augie attacking my Sister's dog more than a few times. So he had to spend more time in my lap. Simon was running interference between the two the rest of the time. We came home and chilled out the rest of the night. My mom was especially emotional, crying over the church having played Ave Maria, which was also played at her mother's funeral. She requested we not play it at hers. She also cried during grace, and was particularly weepy the entire afternoon / evening. I think she was missing her mom.

And that's how my weekend went from kick ass rhymes to somber Latin.

Music Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

For the last week, The Boys have been requesting the following:


The first time I played it for them, at their request, about half way through, The Oldest says, "Mom, you know there is a clean version of this." I replied, "Yeah, this isn't it."

On to the recap weekend:
Friday - Plans were to go to the newly opened Exploratorium on Sunday, but in order to actually be able to do that, The Boys had to complete any homework due Monday. There was much wrenching of hands and knashing of teeth, but homework was indeed completed.

Saturday - The Elementary School carnival was all day. We went a little early and all three of us volunteered, got a tiny bit sunburnt, and had fun. Pictures tomorrow. After arriving home, I took a nap, and felt even worse after waking up. Likely had a bit of heat exhaustion. Drank a ton of water, and went to pizza and yogurt with a couple of friends. We all laughed a ton and it was exactly what I needed.

Sunday - After such a long day on Saturday, we slept in. No one wanted to get out of pajamas, or shower, or really do anything. The Oldest was distraught when he figured out that we weren't going anywhere at noon. Instead, I did laundry, The boys vacuumed and weeded and straightened up. I went grocery shopping and bought stuff for the yard. My mini garden will start this week with tomatoes, basil and strawberries. Also bought an arbor to get the climbing roses off the path in back. Plus soil, and tomato cages. Going to try right side up this time, after years of upside down tomato plants. Went to my folks' for dinner, stopped at Sis' afterward, and we're finally home and in bed and ready for the week ahead.

And we are going to go into the week with what initially drew me to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis:



Have a good week all!

Monday Morning Spring Break Wrap Up

This wraps a Spring Break marked by a vacation. the first of 5 that will be the same destination at the same time of year. The Oldest had his first band trip to Disneyland. The band marched on Main Street, and it really brought back some great memories. Made me realize just how old he is getting.

Took The Youngest with me, and was able to spend time just the two of us, which was really nice. Also ate a TON of really rich food, but walked all day long for days on end. Looking forward to the next 4! Realized this last week that on the final trip with the band, I will be able to take my family to Club 33 to celebrate my 20 year anniversary with the company. That makes me happy too!

Listening to this

On repeat.


Go. Do. Love.

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - Woke up to this in my head:

Specifically:
"The sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive
And the sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive keeps me alive"
The day was full of Lunar New Year Feast at The Boys' school. My best friend totally had my back all day, and I reached out for help to a few people (unusual for me). After school, The Boys and I walked to a friends and spent the afternoon/evening visiting and playing and just hanging out.

Saturday - Woke up to this in my head:

Specifically:
"I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do"

The Morning was spent doing laundry and cleaning in preparation for The Dude's mom visiting for lunch. I also went grocery shopping (which I hate to do). During my shopping, I had an epiphany. Life is delicate. We are balancing on the edge between life and death. And the one thing that triggered that revelation was Ovaltine.Yes, Ovaltine. My grandmother always had Ovaltine and those tiny cans of Tree Top apple juice, and the memories and good feelings that came flooding back made me tear up. Following lunch, I went for a photo walk in our local cemetery (you'll see those photos in Tableau Tuesday). While wandering the graveyard and contemplating life and death, I had to sit down and have a good cry about how much of my life I haven't been living. In the middle of my cry, who should roll up but my best friend and her family. My day improved greatly, until I went home and had to referee more fighting between The Dude and The Boys.
Sunday - Woke up to this in my head (this is often in my head first thing):

Specifically:
"I cant lie
I cant tell you that I'm something I'm not
no matter how i try
I'll never be able to give you something
something that i just haven't got"

Spent the day finishing laundry, repairing the network and photo stuff. Did go for another walk and felt good afterward. Still really not liking hanging out at home with The Dude around. Exploring my options on that front too. I also was able to phone a couple of people, one of whom is going through a similar situation, and the other I haven't spoken with in months, and whom I miss.

Happy Monday all!

My 500th post On Gay Marriage

Wondered what I should do for number 500. Decided this would be a good thing to post. We've hit some significant milestones, but not an inroad into closed minds and hearts. People are angry and unkind and dangerous.

Things on my mind lately:

So NSFW.
But LOVE it!


And this:

A Beautiful Ordinary Life is what we all need and deserve.

And finally this:

This, THIS is what BAMF means. And it's my new theme song, yo.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - The normal stuff, including vacating my house because of resentment and discomfort. Retreated to a friend's home and stayed too late.

Saturday - I woke up with the chorus for this song in my head, had no clue who sand it, or what the rest of the lyrics were, until I looked it up:

Spent the early afternoon at a baby shower, and the later afternoon running errands and avoiding my home still.

Half of my life
Sunday - I woke up after only 3 hours of sleep with this song in my head:

I also woke up thinking about the fact that I have spent 22 years in a relationship that is now ending, AND, that 22 years is half of my life. It was a sobering moment and I needed to write it down. Do I want to get to 88 knowing that even more of my life was spent in a relationship that is less than ideal for my mental and emotional health? And my emotional and mental health being directly linked to my self care habits (including eating) and my physical well being, potentially a very unhealthy later adulthood? My answer is no. Your mileage may vary.

Music Monday

It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day today in the U.S. and I was all prepared to write a thoughtful post.

Then I was sidetracked. Ok, completely thrown off track...

By this:

Happy Monday all!

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

A flurry of activity this weekend. I took last week off of work, so it seemed like I crammed all of the activity into this weekend.
Friday - spent the early part of the day putting up most of the interior Christmas decorations, with the help of The Boys. The Dude went SCUBA diving, or to lend boat support, or something. Had Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house with Sis, Nephews, Aunt, Sis' friend, my folks and The Boys. The dinner was nice, and I was under the usual amount of scrutiny, and adeptly avoided many topics.

Saturday - The Oldest and I set up the lawn holiday inflatables, and I fixed a fan on one of them, and we had to get rid of another that was irreparable. The Boys and I ran some errands. I finished laundry. The Dude arrived back around 5pm and we all ate dinner together. The Dude announced he had invited a friend over to watch the game on Sunday, and he'd be home all day if I had plans. I generally do not make plans not knowing his availability in order to avoid having to cancel plans when he is unavailable. I asked a friend to hang out, but my texts went unanswered.

Sunday - The Dude announced he was going to a different house about 30 minutes away to watch the game. I got dressed and out of the house with no discernible plan in place. I did take my camera though. Before I left, The boys and I rearranged the furniture to fit the Christmas tree, which The Dude put together before leaving. The youngest also asked The Dude not to drink today because he doesn't like driving home when The Dude has had beer. I know The Youngest doesn't like riding with The Dude driving at any other time either, because of the rollover accident 3+ years ago. Don't blame the kid for being nervous with his father at the wheel. I ended up just driving and found myself in Santa Cruz. I was not in a good place emotionally, but was able to just quietly be and soak up the smells, the air, the sun. I spent a very quiet day thinking about loneliness and solitude, and realized I depend on certain people perhaps too much, and find myself depressed when those same people do not have time for me. That made me even more sad.

This was going through my head:



Safe and Sane Cyber Monday all!

Music Monday - Written on Thursday

Grueling Work Schedule has me hunkered down. However, this came across last Thursday and I HAVE to share it. 80's style music, super models, and eye candy for days:

Please enjoy!

What makes me happy - NSFW

Well, for the last week or so these have been in heavy rotation in my brain.

Because you cannot have too many gay anthems in your head at one time:


And this is an earworm for me now, so much so that The Boys have been humming the bass line:

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

This was a good weekend. The Dude was out of town, and The Boys and I kept busy.

Friday, I went to pick up The Boys early, so that I could talk to the 4/5 graders about the field trip shirts for this year. - For those that have no idea, I teach 4/5 grade art in The Boys class. We had an extended play date after school, celebrating a teen birthday with walking fondue. The kids had fun and got along very well. The Youngest went to a friend's house for a few hours, where he discovered the pleasures of French Dip. All of the moms needed an "End of the First Week of School" deprogramming, and so we did ;-)

Saturday brought my first direct conflict of kid schedules. The Oldest had Football practice 10-noon, and the Youngest had to be at his soccer game at 10. The fields they needed to be at are 30 miles apart. I dropped of The Youngest with a teammate, dropped off The Oldest at football, ran to another town to pick up a Treasure Box, home to put away the food, then to watch and photograph the remainder of the soccer game, and pick up at football. I bought lunch for The Boys at the snack bar, they ate in the car and when we got home I did laundry and took down a supply list for The Youngest, who wanted to buy PVC in order to make a marshmallow gun. He had some allowance left and we went to price the pipe, found that he had enough money to cover what he wanted, so we bought all he needed. We also went to the pet store to price fish tanks for The Oldest, but he didn't realize how much that would cost, and he didn't bring enough money, nor did he know if he even had that much. When we got home, I spent a bit of time cutting the PVC and putting together the gun, which The Boys reconfigured a number of times throughout the rest of the weekend.

Sunday I got to sleep in :-D. After breakfast, The Oldest counted his money and found he did have enough money for a fish tank. We headed out in the afternoon to Dharma Trading Company for fabric dyes and clothing blanks (for field trip shirts) and yarn and needles (for my next knitting project). It is a 2+ hour round trip from the house, but worth the trip! We stopped at the pet store on the way home, and The Oldest picked up a tank, and all of those needed accessories, a Beta fish, and a couple of tank decorations. The Oldest made dinner of Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.

And now for some Music:

More music I'm feeling today

I was introduced to this song via Glee - I know, still...


I had NO IDEA this was an Amy Winehouse song until today... I know, I KNOW... So I found this Amy version:


Now I can't decide which I like better I think it will depend on my mood - blue and soulful, or happy and delighted.