Thursday, February 26, 2015

A Move and a Change Under Consideration - update

With the new announcement from Blogger:
Adult content setting

I am considering a move. After nearly 6 and a half years and over 700 posts, I am not sure Google's new adult content policy fits with my blog. I came here to vent, to reflect and to pour out the contents of my brain. Is there some adult content? I guess? I don't know. Honestly, I can think of a number of posts containing words, ideas and themes, and maybe pictures too that would be considered adult in nature. I am not going back to comb over everything I've written. Much of it is painful to relive. So I am thinking of moving to a less Orwellian blog platform. If I decide that blogging is still where I will be posting, and move I will let you all know the new place when I get there.

It is unfortunate because I felt like this was a place where I could be me, and I don't censor my thoughts or writing. Time to move on...

And here is where you can now find me:

Monday, February 23, 2015

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

This was an insane weekend:

Yes it started on Thursday because that is the day I was moving furniture. Corky's Dad went into ICU with various health issues with his lungs. As an elderly person, these things happen, but they are still difficult to handle when it is your own parent. In anticipation for a new bed delivery on Friday, I had to move my bed to The Oldest's room. We moved his futon to the garage on Tuesday afternoon and he "cleaned" his room and slept on the floor. I finished actually cleaning his room, took apart my bed and moved it to his room. I also moved a couple of heavy pieces of furniture in his room to make the bed fit. I put everything back together in his room to be able to sleep.

Got up early and began cleaning my room and vacuuming and moving furniture. I had to empty the two pieces of furniture to move them, and then put them back together. Dropped The Youngest and a friend at school, picked up programs for Saturday's Crab Feed, and tried to also pick up extra raffle tickets for the same event, but every place that sells raffle tickets wasn't yet open. Waited at home for the new bed delivery, and they arrived about 10 minutes after the window for delivery started. They were finished in about 30 minutes, and I had only had about an hour before work meetings, not enough time to buy bedding and raffle tickets. Had a couple of meetings for work lasting about 3 hours, and tried to go out for bedding again, only to be derailed by needing to meet one of the treasurers at the bank to get the final checks and cash for the crab feed. By the time that was finished, the crab feed chair person wanted to meet to transfer the cash and checks in about 45 minutes. Still not enough time to get bedding, and there was no way I was leaving that kind of cash in my car while I shopped. So I went back home and worked for a while. Went to the school to meet the chair person, who was running late. By the time that was over, I had about 30 minutes before school got out. Ran and quickly got the raffle tickets, came back and picked up The Oldest and took him to gather the bedding. Luckily, I was able to find satisfactory bedding at the first stop, and was in and out in 20 minutes. The Oldest wanted to get his iPad from his father's, so off to that town, had to gas up my car, and got back to pick up The Youngest about 10 minutes after he got out. As I was pulling up, got a text from bf saying she was in The Oldest's science classroom, and the teacher told her that The Oldest was doing badly in class. WHY the teacher thought that appropriate to share with anyone OTHER than me or the ex, I have no idea. So, I sent in The Oldest to talk to her. Turns out his lab plan was crap - which I already knew and had fought him about on Monday. Didn't get home until 5:00, only to find out that bf and her son were on their way to my house so her son and The Oldest could finish their science project. No thought on ANYONE's part about when it would be more convenient for me, no. My desires and needs once again thrown by the wayside and they were here until 7:15. There were hints that they wanted to have dinner here, but I did not bite because I was pissed off. I really did not want them at the house at that time, and the longer it went on, the angrier I was getting. I did manage to feed The Boys and sit with them for dinner, put the bedding in the wash and get it turned around and on the bed before Corky got back from the hospital at 8:00. I was physically and mentally exhausted, and after getting The Boys to bed and talking to Corky about her pop, I just wanted to sleep in my new bed.

Corky let me sleep in until about 8:30, by which time The Boys were up. Corky wanted them to do homework before any other activity, so I was up and writing homework on their white boards, and arguing about missing assignments and homework and grades. All I wanted was some alone time with Corky, a quiet and relaxing morning, and instead I got arguments with The Boys and more stress about schoolwork and tutors and grades. Looking at my level of stress and the feeling like I just can't catch a break on anything. I get resistance to homework from both The Boys and the ex, I have tutors working with The Boys, and there is little to no improvement, and every time I try to have intimate time with Corky, there is some obstacle to that. Left the house to work the crab feed for the next 10 hours. I helped set up, greet people, serve food and check out auction winners. It was a LONG day, but the crab feed itself was a HUGE success and fun. All of the volunteers who were there were super flexible and dedicated to making the event run smoothly. The chairperson for the event did a fantastic job. The High School PFSO tried recruiting me, but I held fast that I still have 2 years after this one on the middle school PFC. While I was gone, Corky hung out with The Boys, the ex picked up The Youngest for an indoor soccer game, and didn't return him until 11:30pm. Got home after midnight, went to bed, but was too wound up to sleep, and tossed and turned all night. Also was really emotional and weepy for a while before falling asleep.

Was up by 7, and logged into work by 8 because it is a major software release weekend, and I am supposed to help the person monitoring the release. Only I was not told until Friday that expectation, and there was no way I could be on the chat room by 4:30am my time... Spent all day and night monitoring the chat room and just seeing what was going on. The Youngest slept in and then went to a friend's to run Lacrosse drills. The Oldest fought with me over homework and practiced music. Corky went to visit her dad. I was still fairly weepy from lack of rest. Corky made all of my meals and I am grateful for her and her ability to know exactly what I need and when. The Boys watched Grease after dinner and showers and I watched the chat room some more while dealing with an eye twitch I'd had all day. I'm tired, and my throat is scratchy. Tonight I look forward to sleeping a full night, which is possible for the release finished at 8:45. Looks like she wants me to send some communications and track some issues to resolution tomorrow, but I have no clue who to send what info to, and I am not on distribution for most of the things she is getting and then sending to leadership. Monday will be another long day. Of course as a salaried person, I do not get overtime for working 12+ hours today, though my boss may give me some comp time. We'll see.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Daily drivel

Today I had more good news about The Oldest. In addition to the outstanding musician medal on Saturday, he won a scholarship to a two week band camp over the summer. I am so proud of him and how much effort he's been putting into school and music. I checked his grades and he has all As and Bs. Of course, that good news is tempered by having checked The Youngest's grades. Found out that The Youngest is getting two Ds and an F, mostly due to a HUGE assignment that he has not turned in, despite swearing he would finish it at his Father's and turn it in. Neither happened, and I am not all that surprised, but still I sigh the sigh of disappointment and resignation. I had him finish it tonight, and checked the additional homework before they had showers, during which the computer system used to determine missing and late work went down. It came back up after they were in bed... Of course. I had coffee with a friend who is doing particularly well, and I am happy for her. Also met with the principal of the middle school and outlined my issues with various teachers, as well as the current thoughts of other parents.

Today I also came to the realization that I need to buy all new bedding before Friday, and I'm not sure when I'll have the chance to do so...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Blog as journal

Today felt rather productive, which is a change from how things have been lately. The Boys had Presidents Day off and mostly lazed about the house while I worked. I did get The Oldest to mow the front lawn while the youngest took his lacrosse stick out for a spin.

I finished the crab feed program and sent it to the printer, proofed the one off, and asked for just a tiny change. It looks fabulous and I am glad that is behind me!

Took The Boys for haircuts. The Oldest because his last cut was a disaster and needed to be fixed, and The Youngest because he'd become a hair farmer, his last cut having been in June of last year - a buzz cut for swim season. They look much better now, and I lament the fact that The Youngest now looks like a teenager (even though he isn't yet 12).

While The Boys were in the barber shop, Corky and I went back to the mattress shop to buy our new bed. It is a big step, buying an expensive piece of furniture together, and for me it means I am investing in a future that she will be a part of. I am looking forward to having a nice and comfortable place to sleep.

I also did Corky's taxes for her on line, and sent them off. I will be meeting with my CPA later this month as well, but while Corky gets a nice little refund, I expect to pay in the thousands. Bah.

The rest of this week will be meetings, and preparations for the crab feed, and the arrival of the new bed.

This evening ended up being rather mellow with The Boys finishing homework and my having a bit of free time to write. Nice.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Another whirlwind of a weekend!

After working, attending meetings, making bread pudding and working on the crab feed program, Corky and I finally departed for our weekend away. I was so stressed out by the time we left that I wasn't entirely sure I'd actually be able to relax. Add to that stress, a 5.5 hour drive that usually takes 3 hours, and I was ready to eat off my own arm, and sleep for 2 days. We dropped our luggage, and I found that Corky had roses delivered to the room as a surprise for me. She is so wonderful and the flowers are amazing. We walked to town, said hi to some friends and enjoyed a late night dinner that included way too much cheese. What followed was so much intestinal distress and stench that we laughed our heads off, while crying and holding our bellies before we fell asleep.

Corky had another surprise up her sleeve of See's candy and a beautiful Valentine's Day card. I love waking up with her next to me. The weather was amazing, and breakfast was delicious. We wandered the town, working off our huge breakfasts, and working our calf muscles. The one thing I take away from our annual trips to the mountain town is that my aerobic capacity is sadly behind my friends who live there, who are decades older than me. Corky and I found complementary hats that are really cute and subtle in their matching aspects. Hers is a driving cap, and mine is a baseball cap. I think hers is particularly fetching. It makes her look amazing, and drives me a little crazy with desire :-) We rested for a bit before returning to the house to decorate for the big Mardi Gras party. The party was fun, but I didn't particularly get the chance to visit with people, and I felt like I was repeating some of the same laments I always have. I did have news that The Oldest won an award for outstanding musician at a jazz festival he attended, so that was awesome! I am very proud of him. Corky and I cut out of the party rather early, with every intention of celebrating Valentine's in an intimate way. Of course, my period had other ideas, and so that is on hold until further notice. We did laugh and giggle until I was hyperventilating, my cheeks hurt and I almost barfed from laughter. We fell asleep easily.

Woke up and just cuddled for a while before checking out and having breakfast. We left before the parade, and the drive was far more manageable, but only because it is day 2 of a three day weekend and the traffic won't be bad until Monday night. We stopped for a late lunch and to walk even more around the outlet stores. I didn't find anything, but Corky found new sneakers. I did discover that there are specific brands that bother my injury from the summer, and I now have to find shoes that are better for my foot. I may end up in elderly orthopedics, but my feet will feel good, damn it! After lunch, we were feeling much more well rested and adventurous and decided to go mattress shopping, as this is THE weekend where every damned place is having a sale. Found a great deal on a clearance set, and will return on Monday to finalize the sale. The Sales person was really respectful and nice, and gave us a great deal. We couldn't beat the price at a department store, even with the sale, and an employee discount.

This will be a better and less stressful week, I can feel it!

Monday, February 9, 2015

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

No rest for the weary. No break from stress either.

Picked up kids from school, got home and had them doing homework rather quickly (this was not without the usual fights over "why?!" and "This is dumb!" and "I already did that". The last, when followed up with my desire to check said completed work is always met by, "God, you are so mean! why do you have to check everything!" and finding out that it was not yet even started. The exhausting arguing lasted all evening. The arguing also included Corky stepping in to tell The Boys when to pick their stuff up, and getting me involved for each and every infraction. I have a fundraiser coming up (that I am not the chair for, but as PFC President, there is still responsibility on my shoulders) and we are sorely needing volunteers. I am hitting up every possible angle for this, and still people are sitting on their hands. Last week the stress was ticket sales, this week it's volunteers. I'm sure next week will be something else entirely.

The day started with arguments over homework and housework. One of The Youngest's friends came over to hang out in the afternoon (after The Youngest finished all chores and homework, even if the homework was so hastily and sloppily done that I had him send it to his teacher to proof read on Monday). Also along was my VP who was able to effectively talk me off of a cliff, AND take on additional responsibilities so that I don't have to do quite as much as I have been all year. At lease I am reassured that it is obvious to all others involved that I am doing the lion's share of the work, without the help of my co-president. Once they left it was the mad rush to finish prepping for my parents' visit and dinner. Sweeping, mopping, putting a meatloaf together and in the oven, peeling and boiling potatoes and washing and chopping Swiss chard. Dinner was nice, my mom did not criticize a single thing. My dad laughed and complimented the food (as did mom). The Oldest made the meatloaf, and Corky and I the sides. I also made icebox cake for dessert, which I hardly ever make because one of the ingredients are not readily available year round. My mom was surprised about my draconian screen time and bedtime rules, but she also has no idea what kind of trouble The Boys have gotten themselves into on screens, so I didn't get into it. We finished the evening with showers and bed because I was wiped out.

Woke up EARLY with an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea - bleh. Woke up again a bit early, but not bad. Corky wanted to play, but I can't really have the level of intimacy I want because she is still sick, and I really absolutely must remain healthy. So I made sure she enjoyed herself, but I feel myself pulling away. I enjoy bringing her pleasure, but it isn't the same and I don't know if it is because we have not been able to be intimate in the way I enjoy, or if the constant demands of tidiness around the house puts unrealistic demands on me as a lackadaisical housekeeper, and sticks me in the middle of the arguments with the boys about their lack of tidiness. But I am just tired of everything. I am trying to de-stress on my own, but there is always some other demand on my time, attention, emotion or all of the above that leaves me feeling empty, without an oasis in sight, and no hope for reprieve.

I am irritable, and premenstrual - also does not help in any way because my luck will be to start my period in time for Corky to be perfectly healthy again, and Valentine's Day, which is our weekend away at Mardi Gras.

This afternoon we were going to take The Boys to the Pinball Museum, but they were closed for a private event. We ended up at an arcade (which was okay, but so crowded, that there was more waiting for an open game than actual play time). We took a break to look at the newsstand where The Boys begged me to buy them $40 worth of books, comics, magazines, junk food each. I offered to buy one comic book or item of food each. The youngest then proceeded to buy himself additional food and comic books... We stopped at one of my favorite shops on the way to the car and they again begged me to buy them stuff every time I turned around. They shadowed me through the store continuing their pleas, while the entire time was me saying"no" repeatedly, until I threatened to make them wait outside. Left for the car and there was more whining about what they didn't get to do or buy and how put upon they were to have to hold a magazine so that I could browse and purchase a pad of paper.

In the car finally and no one wants to go to eat the same food for dinner. The Boys are being intentionally contrary toward each other, so I drove back to my town and by then it was dinner time and they had agreed. When we got to said place, it was PACKED and there was no hope of having anything to eat within the hour. A second destination was picked and there was additional whining because it wasn't the suggestion of The Youngest. I stopped the car until a decision could be made, and by that Point I was hungry and had had it up to my eyeballs.

Got to second destination and the wait was not unreasonable. Ordered food and drinks. Food arrives and mine is cold. not lukewarm, but cold. It had been sitting on the pass through for a nice long time while our waitress sat at a booth visiting with a friend. All I wanted was a hot meal... Sent it back and the manager brought it the second time, another server brought our next round of drinks and the manager who brought the second round meal (which was actually hot) said she'd check back (never happened). The original waitress was asked for drinks (those had to come from another server we flagged down after 20 minutes of the original waitress visiting more with her friend in the booth).

By the time we left I just wanted to cry. I actually still do - typing this out isn't making me feel better, just sad and lonely and alone and like I'm not actually able to be in a relationship. I am difficult to live with when I am under extreme stress (Like now). I feel myself pulling away and not telling Corky when I am upset with her. Sometimes I don't even realize what the actual problem is, I do know that I don't always say when something bugs me.

Earlier this week I started reading a book for an LGBT book club a friend just started. Corky attended the first meeting with me and did not enjoy it. I didn't particularly enjoy it either because it was literally 4 people who already know each other discussing everything but the book we just were picking up. This isn't Corky's thing, and I get it, but I still want to read the book. It is fascinating so far, and I am enjoying it. Corky saw the book on the coffee table and when she realized which book it was and why I had it, she dismissed it as "Oh, that's the book for the stupid book club." and then went on to pooh pooh the club and the leader. I was pissed, but didn't say anything (which I should have because it has colored my entire week). I didn't want her to think she was in the wrong. Her opinion is valid, but her dismissing what I like was hurtful.

Then in bed on Saturday night, she made a remark about my stomach. I am already self conscious about being overweight, but had let my guard down with her because I thought (and still think) she loves my body. But comments like that make me wonder if she'll stick around, and I know how psychologically self destructive those comments are for me. I tend to internalize them and lash out by becoming even heavier (which is really a bad idea). From the age of 10 I have been sensitive about my weight, and the comments that have cut the deepest have come from those I love and respect the most. To have an ex who slept around on me really fucked with my head and heart, and I can feel the walls building up in my relationship and I don't know how to stop them...

Once we got home tonight, Corky needed copies of the medical records for disability, and of course my fucking printer runs out of fucking ink... I did manage to download her x-rays, so she can take the CD with her, and then I tried to fix The Oldest's glasses, took Corky's advice on it, and ended up fucking them seriously up. Finally (after hours) said "fuck it" and paper clipped them together, reinforced by duct tape. A trip to the Optometrist tomorrow after The Boys get out of school. Can't wait to see what this costs me.

This sucks. Tomorrow is Monday and I will be working - on what I have no idea.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Taking refuge in the written word

This has been a hell of a day, in a hell of a week. This week has seen several people who swore they'd help me back out. This week has had my ability to continue to do my job sliced off without so much as a "good luck asshole". During a meeting last night, I agreed to send an e-mail bulletin to the middle school parents begging for volunteers, which I was too tired to do at the time.

Today was what really took the cake though. I was called yesterday by the middle school nurse and asked to work scoliosis screening. I said sure, then asked my boss if I could take the day as my community service day. Since I can literally no longer do my job effectively, she agreed. I forgot I had therapy at 2:00. The screening went until 3:00, and in hindsight, I could have just gone, as there were just a few students left to screen at 1:45. I rescheduled therapy to 5:00, and made a dinner date with Corky. Corky and I have spent hardly any time together this week. She's still sick, and dog and house sat again. I had meetings, The Boys had homework. I was looking forward to a quiet dinner for the two of us. At 2:00 I received a text from the ex asking if I could pick The Boys up from school. I agreed (since I was already there and all). He then said he would let me know later when he would pick them up as his gf is out of town & he was going to be stuck on a job for a while. I let him know I had a 5:00 appointment & he replied that he didn't think he'd be by before then. Brought The Boys home and had them doing homework while Corky hung out and they whined that they would rather do it at their father's. I checked their work, made some corrective suggestions & got in another argument about what the assignment actually was. I sent another text to the ex reminding him that The Oldest was playing with the jazz band during the talent show, and he has the needed shirt. I said I could take The Boys to the gig, but I needed the shirt by 7:00. I left for therapy, where my therapist told me I need to find time to walk, or meditate - basically take better care of myself - and say no more often. On my way back, at 6:00, I sent another text to the ex asking if he was going to be able to make it to my house with the shirt by 7:00 (where he lives is 30 minutes in each direction). He said no, but would try to make the performance. Back home, pile The Boys into the car in a rush, say good-bye to Corky after she said she thought the talent show last year was horrible (and she was angry that our plans were upended). I shook my head and told her not to say that in front of the kids (mostly because that is exactly the reaction the ex has about these things). I bought The Boys fast food for dinner as they hadn't eaten while I was gone (I hate fast food), drove to the ex's and back and stayed at the talent show until it ended at 9:00. I still hadn't sent the e-mail, and I am so grateful that my VP did it for me. By the time I got The Boys showered and in bed it was after 10:00. I am so wiped out and just need to sleep - hopefully not to awaken at 1:15 like last night and stay up for 90 minutes. Sending thoughts to the universe that the morning will sail smoothly.

Not sure if I feel better now having written it all down, but at least it isn't still in my head...