Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A bit of stuff floating around in my brain

The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.
I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.
I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.
There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.
Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.
You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

July has come and gone

And what have I done this month? I've turned 45, managed to climb out of a 6 week depression with the help of a dear friend and a great therapist. I realized that there are many things I cannot control or change, gained insight into those around me, and took a TON of photos of The Boys' swim team. Oh, I also found a young buck near my house and managed to get a couple of decent shots, a Coopers Hawk, a flock of Turkey, and a cute fuzzy kitten. The non-deer shots were taken on a photo hunt to get the buck, which included hopping 8 fences, and being called a rebel by The Youngest.

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

What does August hold for me? More soul searching I'm sure, additional boundaries being set, visiting an old friend, and getting ready for the school year. Also I'm sure, additional yearning for adult company, though likely no movement on that front... I'll probably also read some fiction in an attempt to escape reality and continue to weather the pangs of The Boys' difficulties. Swim will end, Football will begin and clothes shopping will happen. My schedule really is dictated by those around me, and I will attempt to reclaim at least a bit of that. I will continue to photograph, and may even work more on exercising my physical being.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Another trip around the sun

My birthday was at the beginning of the month. I have been in a funk of late, feeling cavalierly dismissed from people's lives. trying to keep my shit together for The Boys and finding that more and more is slipping through the cracks in favor of a life lived in my head. I deserve better than that, as do The Boys. People IRL often ask how I am doing. What do I answer? "fine, surviving, as best as can be expected." What I really feel and think is of little consequence, though I know they are all concerned. I don't want to be a pity project, and I am lonely. I want a person in my life, a partner, butI know I am not ready. I do not want casual encounters. I am too far along in my life's journey for such folly. It would only bring me greater emotional pain that I do not want or need.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

As the school year winds down, the extra curricular activities ramp up. My weekend actually started on Thursday with a field trip for the overnight camping we do every year with The Boys' class. We had fun, and this was the easiest year for me, as they are both at the age where they know what to do, and I can relax and photograph the nervous first timers. I did end up weeping about missing their teacher most terribly when she moves to Germany at the end of this week. A great adventure for her family, but she has been absolutely in my corner for YEARS, and now, she will be half a world away. I know she will be back, but still. I know that on any given day I have been able to walk into her classroom, and she will wrap me in a hug. I can't hug her for a while, and that makes me sad. Plus, I love that she swears more than me ;-)
Friday - More field trip, a lazy afternoon / evening at the beach, and dinner at my folks. I was wiped out after 2 days in the great outdoors, but did manage to sleep.
Saturday - no sleeping in as The Boys had football evaluations mid morning, and I had to get a graduation card for a party later that night. Spent the afternoon with some friends whom I hadn't seen in over a year as they are primarily friends of The Dude (since middle school), and I didn't want to disrupt the support they can provide for him, for which I am no longer responsible. Found out that The Dude is now living with his girlfriend, and her two kids. I don't know her, have never met her, and The Dude wants The Boys to spend the night. The Dude sent a forwarding address e-mail (not to me). Also found out that his version of events is vastly different than mine - which came as no surprise at all. Went to the graduation party of another longtime friend of The Dude's daughter and it was awkward, answering questions about The Dude and his well being for grandparents that do not know what is going on. Also had to answer those same questions from The Dude's step brother, whom we saw early in the day. Just a rough day overall.
Sunday - Another going away for the teacher moving to Germany. This one not as emotional because of the crowd assembled, and I don't know many of them very well. This was followed by the annual beginning of swim season BBQ with the swim team. Had to answer more questions there when The Dude came to pick up The Boys and take them to his girlfriend's house. I flat out asked, and he admitted that they are more than friends, and I said I want to meet her, if The Boys would be spending time with her and her kids. I honestly have nothing against her, and I hope they have a long and happy life together. I hope she is better able to weather all of the things I know are coming. I also hope she realizes that all of the time The Dude spends with her and her kids means that he is not spending that time with his own children. I can't protect her, and I can only wish her well. Also talked to D after reading an e-mail she is thinking of sending to her husband's mistress. I advised against it, only because of the venomous anger laced throughout. I love D, and I want her to be happy. I think she needs to deal with some of the issues she's been ignoring so that she can more effectively battle her cancer. I want her to be here for a much longer life.
I hope you all have a wonderous week!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Three Day Weekend wrap up

So much happened this weekend, I'm going to go backward from today. Monday: Despite specific instruction otherwise, The Oldest woke me up a mere 6 hours after I went to bed to ask me about a video camera. I couldn't fall back asleep, so the day started a cople of hours earlier than I'd planned. Ran to pick up doughnuts for The Boys after my shower, and put together snacks for the pool. Spent half the day hanging poolside while the boys swam and played. We were the only people at the pool all day, and the kids wanted friends to come over, but I'm sure they all had other plans. Kind of bummed us all out though. We all had sunscreen on,and we all got burnt. Damnit. Watched part of Alice in Wonderland together before their bed time. Made a couple of calls and briefly talked to my mom. Sunday: The Dude had The Boys for about 10 hours. I was dog sitting, and couldn't really go out of town, like I really wanted to, so I wandered about looking for shelving options, settling on a couple and putting them together, cleaning house, unpacking the rest of The Boys' room and basically making myself sore as hell with physical labor. Didn't really eat all day, and had killer cramps, so I suppose there would have been worse ways to spend time... Saturday: Slept in a bit and The Boys made their own breakfasts. Tried out my new French coffee press, but made the coffee too weak, and discovered that it didn't keep my coffee hot enough for as long as it took me to drink it. Will be better for camping with a gazillion people. Packed a picnic and took The Boys and The Dog to a local park that they wanted to visit. It wasn't as fun for them as they remember from the last time, but we hung out for half the day and walked the entire perimeter, visited another park for another walking tour and chilled at home for the night. Friday: Spent the afternoon putting together art portfolios for the 18 4th and 5th graders I had this year. There are a few amazingly talented kids in this group, and I hope they all continue to enjoy creating and working on their art. Was supposed to go to a party, but it was moved to next Friday. I took The Boys to my sister's to hang with their cousins, and I ended up kind of crashing her thing with a couple of her long time friends - one of whom actually reads this blog, and better pick up American Pie and watch it already. I saw it at Target for $7.50 and almost picked it up for her. I hope everyone has a great week, and I have end of school year activities to prepare for, so yeah, still busy as hell...

Friday, May 18, 2012

It's been a while

About a month since my last post. I've spent this time struggling with and adjusting to being a single parent. I had to say goodbye to my dear beloved Duke after spending the last 15 years with him as a constant calming influence in my life. So many changes in my life.

A very dear friend, who has graced my Wicked Wednesday posts as D, and my Thoughtful Thursday posts at least once is essentially dying of cancer. This makes me so very sad. She is my age, still young, and going through a similar situation with her husband. She lives too far away to see regularly, but as soon as we know her new combo chemo schedule, I am going to go and visit.

My cousin's husband died on Mother's Day. We were not close, but he was still a part of my life and my family, and I will be sending my cousin a card and an e-mail to express my sorrow for her loss. They have 4 sons, 3 of whom are adults and a grandchild, so that makes it even more sad, that all of these people have been robbed of knowing him. He died of advanced and untreated cancer which riddled his intestines, and then spread to the rest of his body. That entire family follows a religion that does not seek medical care, choosing to handle heath issues within their belief system. In this instance, it makes me angry, but it was his choice to not seek medical care. I respect that decision, but not the way it is impacting his family.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Holy Shittake Mushrooms

OMFG this weekend and the previous two weeks have been intense.
Some of the things that have happened:
The Boys and I have moved homes. The Dude did not move with us.
The Youngest gave himself a concussion.
The Oldest had to have 12 stitches in his knee.
Both of those happened on the same weekend.
I had it out with both The Dude and My Mother within 4 days, and realized exactly how similar they are.
I fell and put my teeth through my lip, bruised my neck and both knees and elbows.
My Mother fell down the stairs at my new place, possibly bruising a rib.
The Old Man Dog - Duke tore out a toenail, bleeding all over. His other rear leg deteriorated beyond reason, and he stopped eating, and started trowing up bile. It is likely that he will not survive the week at this point, and maybe not even the day.
I am just sad and tired and conflicted.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Monday morning weekend wrap up

Let's start this one on Thursday, because it's my wrap up, and I can start it wherever I damned well please...So yeah, Thursday - The Boys had a field trip to the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco. I drove my boys, two other boys and another mom. The drive was the usual telling the kids to not yell. Oh, and I'd rented a minivan to transport us all, as my car is out of registration. I'd paid it, but it hasn't yet passed smog testing and I haven't had the funds to have it repaired. The last time I was in the city with a car out of reg, the second I entered Golden Gate Park, I got a $150 ticket. So it actually cost me less to rent a minivan. I will never buy a minivan though, because every noise is funneled to the wedge shaped windshield, and into my ear drum, piercing my brain. I hadn't been to the Academy since my own school days and the improvements are great. The Boys loved it, and made me promise to take them back soon, so maybe a spring break or summer trip? I skipped yoga, with the intent of sleeping in preparation of Friday, and instead had dinner at the restaurant and went to my parents' to tell them what has been going on in my life. I'd been dreading telling them, having been through Sis' divorce and how they handled that. They were very supportive and treated me with respect and like an adult. I was happy with the outcome, but didn't get to bed before midnight.

Friday - I had to be out of the house by 6:30 in the morning in order to make it to a training class by 8:00. Much like three years ago, the management employees at my place of work are being trained to work union jobs in the chance of a strike during contract negotiations. This time around, I had 52 on-line courses and three live classes. Friday was the first, where we learned about personal protective equipment (read safety glasses, hard hats, gloves, boots, rubber insulated gloves), how to deploy and use a 28 foot extension ladder, and how not to get electrocuted. It was eight hours long, and too far to drive. I picked up The Boys at a friend's and we had some yummy Thai food for dinner. I actually went to bed at a decent hour.

Saturday - I woke up in a panic because it was The Boys' school rummage sale which I agreed to work. I made it there in plenty of time, although it opened early and was jam packed when I got there. I took pictures, and wandered around helping where I could. The Dude dropped off The Boys and they hung out, played and helped for the day. After clean up, The Oldest went to a friend's and The Youngest and I made lunch and hung out. The Dude came home, and I went out to dinner and a couple of clubs where I realized how dismal the dating scene really is. I did get hit on by a couple of people who really aren't my type, and danced, and drank, and didn't have to drive. Stopped at IHOP after last call and came home.

Sunday - took a shower at 3:30 in the morning when I came home so that I didn't smell of cigarettes and desperation. I don't smoke and don't like to smell like I do, nor have my hair, jammie's and sheets smell like it. Forgot my alarm was still set from Friday, so after one hour, I was hitting snooze until I could climb from my stupor to turn off the alarm and slept until 11. Got up, did laundry, and The Dude decided to quiz me on my night, wanting to know who I went with, where I went and whether I'd hooked up with anyone. He also said he wants me to tell him if and when I do hook up so he can hear what it was like. Seriously? What. The. Fuck. I told him he was way out of line and his asking was offensive. He was taken by surprise that I would think that. I don't even know what the fuck I am dealing with here... Later that same day, I took The Boys to see Alice in Wonderland, as performed by the local theater company. My Mom got the tickets, and The Boys had fun. We stopped at the drive through dairy for soft serve and went back to my folks' to visit. Came home, barbecued a tri tip, made green and potato salads and did more laundry. Went to bed at a decent hour.

I cram a ton of stuff into my weekends... Makes me tired to even think about them.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Paths, Steps, and Walkways

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is Paths, Steps, and Walkways
I was out after a field trip on Thursday, and spotted this:
 A Blue Heron on the Iron Horse Trail which crosses through my town, much the way it's namesake did decades ago.
This is looking the other direction, where it cuts under a road, and toward the creek.
Both are Directly Out Of Camera - no post editing at all.

Happy Weekend All!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Shit floating about in my head

Today there is just so much crap in my head. I am in the middle of training to do a job I shouldn't have to do, will likely not have to do, and feeling like it is a colossal waste of time. My company employs both union represented and non union represented people, as well as contractors, etc. Contracts are up for renegotiation, as they are every 3 years. Three years ago, I trained to climb poles (mind out of the gutter), nine years ago I trained to answer phones and questions on billing, No clue what was six, or twelve years ago - seem to have lost that in a fog. This year I had 50+ on line courses with an average of 2 hours each, and have 6 days and nights of live classroom training, located 2+ hours away from my home...
The Girl Scouts are trying to turn me into a diabetic cow. Insidious little kids with delicious cookies. And most are friends of my kids, so there is an obligation...
I feel like I need to eat less and move more. I am becoming too sedintary.
I feel like I am under threats from various places - finances and relationships primary. Thankfully, work (other than the training) and The Boys' school seem to be doing ok.
The Boys and The Dude were in AZ this past weekend, and they seem to have had fun. My weekend was relatively quiet, and I got some stuff done.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 2/21/2012

Another week, another Tableau Tuesday - all photos taken this last weekend while in Nevada City for Mardi Gras:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday all!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

This was a busy weekend. Not unusually so, but my usual level of busy would put lesser people in the ground...

Friday - The morning working, and the afternoon teaching art. After school, brought The Youngest home, while The Oldest had a DI meeting. Don't know what DI is? Go HERE. I packed myself and The Boys, and The Dude was already gone. After DI, I took The Boys to my Sister's house. She watched them while I had dinner with some friends I haven't seen in years. This is mostly due to The Dude's bridge burning, and my inability to fight for those friendships. They were all VERY supportive, and it wasn't as awkward as I feared. The one person who was invited and recently revealed an inappropriate relationship with The Dude, bowed out, and so it was a good dinner. There is still some interpersonal drama amongst that group, but I do not have the time nor inclination to get involved. Rode BART home and got to bed about 1:30 Saturday morning.

Saturday - I was wide awake at 6am, at my Sister's by 8:15 to pick up The Oldest, and off to the DI regional tournament. I worked the Score Room, and The Dude showed up at 11:30. My Sister dropped off The Youngest at noon, and I took a break to watch their Team Challenges. They both did a great job, and I was back in the score room until the final awards ceremony at 6pm. The Oldest's team is going to the State tournament, and the Youngest's isn't. The Youngest and one of his friends had melt downs, and it was not a fun ride out of there. I dropped The Boys at my folks' - with my Sister and Nephews, and my Sister's Youngest was able to pull The Youngest out of his funk. I left around 7:30 and drove for almost 3 hours to get to the Mardi Gras party in Nevada City. The party was still in full swing, and the inappropriate relationship person was there. I hadn't planned a response if she were, and ended up not even able to look at her, or acknowledge her in any way. I am a bit torn between feeling  bad about it, and feeling proud that it wasn't more of a scene. I ended up having one drink and just going to bed at around midnight.

Sunday - slept in until 7am. Got up, had coffee, took a shower and got ready. Made breakfast for the house with friends from Friday's dinner, and walked around town before the parade. The Youngest called once while I was wandering. Got back in time to decorate my car and get the beads loaded in. The Youngest called a second time right before the parade. I drove the parade while listening to music, and throwing beads to the record crowd. After the parade, pitched in to clean up the house, and wandered back downtown to finish shopping. The Oldest called to ask when I would be home and if the parade was over. Volunteered to clean up from the Carnivale celebration, then had some fantastic Thai food for dinner. Back at the house for a couple of hours of visiting, and in bed around 11pm.

Monday - awake at 7am, packed up, bed stripped, and a cup of coffee before heading downtown for breakfast. More visiting and cleaning up and headed back home. The afternoon and evening were spent listening to The Dude become increasingly impatient with The Boys. They were sent to their rooms several times, once by me to have them clean up, the rest by The Dude as he couldn't take it anymore. I reminded him that he was to go out tonight, and he decided to stay in and take it out on us instead. Lucky me...

Some photos of Mardi Gras:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Listening to this

On repeat.

Go. Do. Love.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Scavenger Hunt

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is a scavenger hunt from Queen Mother Mamaw for Wood, Metal and Stone. I had to reach into the way back machine for a suitable single image that covers all three:
This image is a reflection of a tree and metal construction beams in a puddle on cement, taken at the High School in my town.

Happy Friday all!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday

Hug and love those around you while you can

Today I am asking the universe (and anyone reading) for help for me. Just a thought or a good vibe, or even a prayer for clarity and peace. This week has brought another person forward who had an inappropriate relationship with the person I have been having a relationship with for half of my life. I've had a crisis of self that left me wracked with sobbing, hugging myself and rocking and trying not to wake up my kids. I am stretched thin on mental and emotional strength. I am left wondering if I am even capable of loving any person again, of trusting and giving my heart to another. I have been toying with the idea that I will be alone, and take occassional lovers, but to not have someone to share my life with makes me feel sad in a very intimate and personal way.

I can and likely do come across as a very strong person, cool and detached. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve, if you know what to look for, or even take the time to look at all. I'm feeling vulnerable and naked and raw. And not in a good way. Today I feel like a little kid who has just found out her best friend is conspiring against her. I want and need a hug. I won't get one. Not tonight, not tomorrow, or the day after that. I am torn between wanting to run to my parents and just tell them everything, and my need to not be under their scrutiny. That is its own special version of hell. I will have to tell them something soon, but with no movement toward resolution, I don't think it would be particularly helpful, or healthy.

So just think of me and send a good wish.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 2/7/2012

This week was all about Macros. All shots taken at the school and field behind my house:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday All!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Music Monday - Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - the day was ok. I'd decided that I was doing the things I could in order to make myself a better life. Spent time working and missing a meeting at the school district office. Worked in the classroom in the afternoon on subtractive sculpture, and had to deal with an obnoxious parent hovering and telling the kids to do stuff intentionally wrong, and whipping them up to distract everyone. It is completely inappropriate for him to be in the classroom at all, let alone me having to deal with it. At least he won't be there for the next two years. Weirdly, The dude decided to not hang around for the play date, which was awesome, as the last time he did, he made me uncomfortable, which made my guests uncomfortable, and one who later proclaimed she would not come over if he were there. He left before I did, leaving behind a cheesecake he'd made in the morning to take to a Super Bowl party on Sunday. When I got home from school, the cheesecake was gone and my car had been moved. Whatever.Anyway, on to happier thoughts. After school, I hosted a Happy Hour Play Date and invited one of my first boyfriends who was a hit with the usual crowd. I even had enough to drink that I made chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter cream sauce. I actually went to bed at a decent hour and slept fairly well. And not with anyone other than my cat. One interesting conversation that I was dwelling on the rest of the weekend. My cell phone rang at least 3 times in 15 minutes, with many of the people who would be calling me, all in the room. They all complained about my ring tone, which is a section of this:

My general ring tone is a version performed by the Boston Pops though, and the theme song to Rizzoli & Isles. They all thought it was too march into battleish.
So I told them that the ring tone for them is this:

They all thought it was too pop and cheery to reflect them. They want something dark and sarcastic. I told them it was Amy Winehouse, hoping that would explain it. It didn't though, which caused me to reflect this weekend on what they would prefer. I came to the conclusion that these are MY ring tones for them, and reflect how I feel about them, and you know what? They make me happy, so I have a happy sounding ring tone for them. They can have whatever ring tone they like for me, I don't care. This is what I want to hear when they call, and so it shall be.
Saturday - I had DI appraiser training in the morning, which went from 8:30 - 1:30. The Youngest had a DI meeting from 9-11:30, and the dude dropped him there, while another mom brought him to the training for me. The dude dropped off The Oldest at 11:30 at the training and The Boys had lunch with me and hung out for the last two hours. We walked home and I did laundry and we all just hung out the rest of the day and evening. After The boys went to bed, I got caught up on a couple of shows and read. Until 4:30 in the morning. Did not see or hear from The Dude from that point onward over the weekend.

Sunday - the alarm went off at 7:00 and I questioned my decision making of the late night and early morning. While I loved what I read and was extremely glad I had done so, I felt hungover. I'm calling it a fic hangover. Bleary eyed, exhausted, and bitchy - great way to start the day. The Youngest had tennis and I had The Oldest bring his drum pad, sticks and music to practice for the Spring concert. I spent the afternoon cleaning, doing laundry and ensuring The Oldest also practiced piano. We watched the Superbowl for the ads. The Dude did call the boys - once at 12:30 to tell them he'd be home later and again at 8:15 to say that he wouldn't be home until Monday.
Sounds like the usual to me.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Macro

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is Macro, so I took my macro lens and walked around. Both shots were taken last weekend and only a very short distance from my home.

Happy Weekend all!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Indifference Haiku

Indifference grows
From love to a sad somewhere
Turning me around

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 1/31/2012

Tableau Tuesday rolls around again. All photos taken at our cemetery during a walking meditation on life and death and delicacy, and everything:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.
Happy Tuesday all!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - Woke up to this in my head:

"The sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive
And the sparkle in your eyes
Keeps me alive keeps me alive"
The day was full of Lunar New Year Feast at The Boys' school. My best friend totally had my back all day, and I reached out for help to a few people (unusual for me). After school, The Boys and I walked to a friends and spent the afternoon/evening visiting and playing and just hanging out.

Saturday - Woke up to this in my head:

"I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do"

The Morning was spent doing laundry and cleaning in preparation for The Dude's mom visiting for lunch. I also went grocery shopping (which I hate to do). During my shopping, I had an epiphany. Life is delicate. We are balancing on the edge between life and death. And the one thing that triggered that revelation was Ovaltine.Yes, Ovaltine. My grandmother always had Ovaltine and those tiny cans of Tree Top apple juice, and the memories and good feelings that came flooding back made me tear up. Following lunch, I went for a photo walk in our local cemetery (you'll see those photos in Tableau Tuesday). While wandering the graveyard and contemplating life and death, I had to sit down and have a good cry about how much of my life I haven't been living. In the middle of my cry, who should roll up but my best friend and her family. My day improved greatly, until I went home and had to referee more fighting between The Dude and The Boys.
Sunday - Woke up to this in my head (this is often in my head first thing):

"I cant lie
I cant tell you that I'm something I'm not
no matter how i try
I'll never be able to give you something
something that i just haven't got"

Spent the day finishing laundry, repairing the network and photo stuff. Did go for another walk and felt good afterward. Still really not liking hanging out at home with The Dude around. Exploring my options on that front too. I also was able to phone a couple of people, one of whom is going through a similar situation, and the other I haven't spoken with in months, and whom I miss.

Happy Monday all!

Sunday, January 29, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Delicate

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

I know I am late on this week's post - lack of inspiration, network down, mental breakdown, blah, blah, blah...
This week's theme is Delicate, and I wracked my brain all week for inspiration - which in hind sight seems contradictory. However, while grocery shopping (a chore I detest), I was struck by inspiration, and decided that the delicate nature of life was what I wanted to portray. The delicate balance we all walk between living and dead, and how we choose to honor that (or not) each and every day.

All images were taken this week in my town's cemetery.

Happy rest of the weekend all!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Tableau Tuesday

So, this is the ACTUAL 500th post. whatever - I can't count - my mind is elsewhere - so elsewhere that I forgot to wash my hair today and had to get back into the shower to do so...

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

My 500th post On Gay Marriage

Wondered what I should do for number 500. Decided this would be a good thing to post. We've hit some significant milestones, but not an inroad into closed minds and hearts. People are angry and unkind and dangerous.

Things on my mind lately:

But LOVE it!

And this:

A Beautiful Ordinary Life is what we all need and deserve.

And finally this:

This, THIS is what BAMF means. And it's my new theme song, yo.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Friday - The normal stuff, including vacating my house because of resentment and discomfort. Retreated to a friend's home and stayed too late.

Saturday - I woke up with the chorus for this song in my head, had no clue who sand it, or what the rest of the lyrics were, until I looked it up:

Spent the early afternoon at a baby shower, and the later afternoon running errands and avoiding my home still.

Half of my life
Sunday - I woke up after only 3 hours of sleep with this song in my head:

I also woke up thinking about the fact that I have spent 22 years in a relationship that is now ending, AND, that 22 years is half of my life. It was a sobering moment and I needed to write it down. Do I want to get to 88 knowing that even more of my life was spent in a relationship that is less than ideal for my mental and emotional health? And my emotional and mental health being directly linked to my self care habits (including eating) and my physical well being, potentially a very unhealthy later adulthood? My answer is no. Your mileage may vary.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Deviousness and Revenge

I have an 11 year old son and a 9 year old son. They are great boys, they also amaze me and drive me insane at times. After spending time trying to mediate the inevitable squabbles that happen, I thought I knew how they worked. The Oldest took on the role of drama queen, easily hurt and wearing his heart on his sleeve. The Youngest took on the role of pesky little brother, more physical and contrary. the tides have turned recently and it took me back to my own childhood.
During Winter Break, The Boys were trying to scare each other for an entire day. Eventually, The Oldest pulled out a large cardboard box and hid inside, waiting for The Youngest to come down the hall. When The Youngest approached, The Oldest leaped out, like a sadistic Jack-in-the box, scaring The Youngest nearly out of his skin. Later that day, same set up, but The Youngest snuck up on the box, scaring The Oldest, before he could pounce. Later still, same set up, The Youngest snuck up again to try and scare The Oldest, but this time, The Oldest was hiding out of sight, but not in the box, and as The Youngest was nearly ready to pounce, The Oldest jumped out and The Youngest jumped out of his skin.
Cut to last weekend, my Sister's Youngest was hanging out at my house and he and The Youngest were teaming up on The Oldest, jumping out from behind corners to yell and scare him out of his skin. By the end of the night, The Oldest was bright red and in tears, afraid of his own shadow. When tucking them into bed, I admonished The Youngest, telling him to not be surprised if his brother tried to get him back. I told The Oldest about how their Tia and I would try to get back at each other. At about their ages, Tia would hide my teddy bear every single night, causing me to cry inconsolably. She would laugh at me, and I would be so angry. As an aside, I slept with that bear from birth through college, so you know, a cherished part of my life. Every morning, to get her back, I would wait at the bottom of the stairs, around a corner in the house, and jump out at her as she came down for breakfast. It got to be so bad that I dreaded going to bed, and she dreaded coming down the stairs.
I let The Oldest stew on that information, and 2 days later it played out.
When going to bed, The Youngest went into his room first, and was just inside his door, The Oldest poked his head in and said "Just one last thing", flipped off the light, and shut the door. Immediately, the screaming of The Youngest, and the evil laughing of The Oldest let me know the revenge had been played. The Youngest ended up in my bed overnight, and The Oldest cried himself to sleep, saying he felt bad for scaring his brother so badly. I think he really felt bad for getting in trouble.
The next day after school, I asked The Oldest if he thought the revenge was worth the trouble he got in. He thought for a moment and answered that it was worth it. We talked a bit about weighing his options and the likelihood he would get in trouble in the future, and that only he could decide if it was worth it. We also talked about letting things go and not escalating everything. He's a smart kid and reminds me WAY too much of myself at that age.
I've decided I will not tell him about Pavlov and the devious way I tortured my Sister, that lasted well into adult hood.
I realize I haven't written about that before, but need to save it for another day...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Glass

If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This week's theme is Glass, and these were taken at my town's civic center where there is a ton of glass.

Happy Weekend all!

Friday, January 20, 2012

At Last

I love Etta James, and I will miss her. I was fortunate to be able to see her perform live and up close. I am grateful for that opportunity and for the friend who gave that to me.
I had to go searching for these photos today, and I am glad I did. This brings back some really awesome memories.

Thank-you Etta
Thank-you Sordal.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Tableau Tuesday - on Thursday

All for photo a day, all taken last week, and it's been a hell of a week which I may write about at some time...
Then again, maybe not.
Enjoy anyway:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Music Monday

It is Martin Luther King Jr. Day today in the U.S. and I was all prepared to write a thoughtful post.

Then I was sidetracked. Ok, completely thrown off track...

By this:

Happy Monday all!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Arms & Legs

Wow, two weeks in a row - I think that may be a new record...
If you would like to see what others around the globe are shooting of their towns, I encourage you to go HERE.

This image is from my archive as I was planing on staging something yesterday during a Happy Hour Play Date, and subsequently drank too much to remember to do so.

So. You get some of the dancers from our local Irish Dance School:
Happy Weekend all!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hunger Haiku

Hunger, born of lack
Connection, intimacy
I'm fucking starving

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 1/10/2012

Another Week, another Tableau Tuesday. I have been posting a photo a day all year so far, and have been making a concerted effort to shoot daily. These were all since last Tuesday:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

So it all started innocently enough. A post on freecycle came through on Wednesday with an offer of a loft bed with slide. I looked up some images on google and decided that might work for one of The Boys. I picked it up the same day, and left it in the garage (in pieces). For the next two days I had The Boys talk to each other about who would get the new bed. My plan was to have The Youngest take the bed, without the slide, and take his bunk to make a loft over table for The Oldest. If that was not what he wanted, I was going to turn the new bed into a train table for The Oldest in the garage. By Friday they had made their decisions, and on Saturday, after 11 hours of sleep, I began.
This is what The Youngest's set up looked like about 18 months ago:

I took apart this bed, cleaned under the bed, vacuumed, and organized and built the new bed with a modification or two - leaving off the side rails and the slide.
This is what we ended up with on Saturday: 
He still wants a camouflage tent under the bed as a fortress, so I will be looking for appropriate fabric and putting that together.

Sunday was The Oldest's turn. This is what it looked like before (only far less neat and tidy):

I took apart this bed, The Dude drilled 4 new holes at desk height using a template I made, The Oldest and I cleaned under the bed, vacuumed and rearranged. I then put the bunks back together, and ran to buy the desk top. The Dude cut the wood to fit. It doesn't exactly, but at $36 a sheet, it's workable. The Oldest also did not want the side rails, so those were left off. He completely reorganized his room with the added storage, set up his fan and alarm clock, and set up his train set on a part of the table:
Back breaking work for a weekend, but totally worth it as they are both really enjoying the new set up, and have thanked me repeatedly. Also, I feel good after such a physically labor intensive couple of days. There is more to do around the house, but this was a satisfying project and frankly, I am damned proud of myself for thinking of this, and getting it done! I was feeling quite the Butchy McButch yesterday, and it has given my some added and needed swagger ;-)

Oh, and I also discovered Rizolli and Isles fan fiction this weekend, so that kept my mind busy... It's been about 10 years since I read any fan fiction at all, and I am a voracious reader, so I hope many of the writers I am finding will continue to write.

Happy Monday all!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Town Shoot Out - Music 1/6/2011

I know I've been completely absent from the MTSO for I can't remember how long, but I thought I could try to get here more often.

For music in my town, there really isn't a huge scene for live entertainment. I get my fill of live music from The Oldest and his friends - What you can see in this photo is a selection of his instruments:
What you don't see in this image is the ukulele, drum pad and drum sticks on his bed, a kid sized six string hanging on the wall, or the box of instruments which include another kid sized 6 string, a steel drum, a snare drum, a melodeon, several shakers and fish and frogs, a recorder and a triangle. You also don't see the bin full of sheet music and chord charts and lyrics.

Happy Friday everyone!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Tableau Tuesday 1/3/2012

Welcome to another year of Tableau Tuesdays.
My only resolution for this year is to be accountable to myself. I have been accountable to others for my entire life, and now I need a year of focus on me and my commitments to  myself.

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Lately weird dreams

Having weird dreams for the past week, likely brought on by having seen a Smithsonian show with a segment on these creatures. That and my subconscious working out some issues. My dreams are that I am finding smaller versions of these all over the house, the cat, the dogs, the sofa, the beds. The creatures in my dreams are about the size of the first segment of my pointer finger, and I "pop" them between my finger and thumb. It wasn't until this morning that I was able to identify what I was seeing in my dreams, and link it to what I saw on TV, and what I've been going through. So, with no further ado the star of my recent dreams:
Amazonian Giant Leech - image courtesy of NOVA interactive.