Tuesday, September 25, 2012

A bit of stuff floating around in my brain

The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.
I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.
I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.
There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.
Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.
You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.


Jeanette said...

Wow... I hadn't read your blog for a while, just following you on Facebook I had completely missed some big stuff. Feeling lame for not being supportive even though we never did hang out beyond pathways.

From a distance I know I really don't know much about all the crap you're dealing with and as I sit here trying to think of something wonderful to say that might brighten you for even a moment I feel helpless.

But I read, "J9 is a comment whore - feed her addiction!" and think maybe even letting you know, I think your awesome and leaving a comment to let you know I care might be helpful.


J9 said...

Jeanette - thank you. Thank you for thinking of me, and for reaching out and letting me know. It is sometimes the short interactions that leave a lasting impression. Miss having you and the kids around daily, and I hope it is all going well for you!