Had another weird dream, which when examined this morning, leads me to believe that I am still working on opening my heart to love. I've had to repair and rebuild my broken heart, and my work is unfinished. Now the layers of protections and walls are being peeled away, and it scares me. To open myself up to another, completely, no protection from heartbreak. It is what Corky deserves, and I continue to work on it, but I'm not totally there yet. Do I love Corky? Yes. Absolutely. Can I give her the love she deserves? I don't know. There is so much wrapped up in my own issues of self worth. Am I worthy of love, well of course, we all are, but that is something I know on an intellectual level. I don't truly feel that. Not yet. What is weird, is getting out of a bad relationship and marriage was about me deserving so much better, and not losing my self respect and self worth. And now, I still have residual worries about being there again. Even though, I KNOW, I truly KNOW in my heart that this is so much different, and in so many ways. I just don't trust myself about it. I thought the ex loved me, and I think he did, at least for a while. I do not know when that stopped. Was it an instant? a series of events? A continuing decline? How do I protect myself against that? I don't, and I can't. I need to let go of it entirely, and stop allowing it to define my life.
More work to do.
And a song that was running through my head as I fell asleep last night: