Monday, July 1, 2013

Reflections on 46 years

Lately I have been an emotional mess. Crying for the past couple of weeks at nearly everything. Doma and Prop 8 rulings from SCOTUS left me with happy tears. Wendy Davis standing up for Women's rights and bodies had me sheding tears of sisterhood. The ex and those shenanigans had me crying in frustration. The big cry fest however was on The Nephew's 14th birthday. This is one of my favorite people in all of the world. He is a kind, loving, funny kid. A great preacher - destined for theology, or leading a cult.

What my family began on Mother's Day was to go around the table and say something nice about the guest(s) of honor. There were tears then, but more were to flow when My Folks, Sis with BF and kids, My Aunt and The Boys and I got together to celebrate three generations of birthdays - The Nephew, Myself and My Dad. I love my family, truly. To hear what they all had to say about all of us was touching. To speak about two people I adore and love was lovely, but to hear everyone saying such beautiful and heartfelt things about me was humbling. It is often difficult for me to be in the limelight, and even less comfortable to accept let alone hear compliments about myself. I had tears streaming down my face for DAYS. It is one thing to have periferal people in your life tell you that you did something good, or even great, or inspiring. But to have your family, the people who have known you the longest and the best, the people who have seen you through everything tell you that they are inspired, you are admired, and they are proud is overwhelming. I spent a great deal of my life trying to impress my family and make them happy. I lived for a very long time in that. I changed. I went for self fullfilment, and you know what? They are all incredibly great with that. They love me, for who I am, for what I do to be me every day of my life.

And now the difficult part - I need to tell them who I really am. I feel like they already know - At least most of them do. For me, I need to be able to say that I am Bisexual. I am attracted to all genders. Or maybe I am really Pansexual, but I think an easier discussion to digest would be bisexual. Sis knows, her BF knows, My kids know (have all along). The generation above me - My Parents, and Aunts either know and haven't said, or do not know. This scares me, even though I know they will still love me. It may be horribly difficult for them to understand, and may take a really long time. Not sure when or where the revelation will come, but I know I need it to - soon.

I went to SF PRIDE yesterday and as much as I adore the family atmosphere, I realize that PRIDE is a youthful sport. The parade itself was over 5 hours long. I was nearly crushed against a barricade. I am sunburnt. However, I was able to actually go with a friend, which hasn't happened in probably a decade. This is one of my new friends, met through a meetup of Lesbian women. We have similar tastes in what we like to look at, so that was pretty fun.

Here's to another 46 revolutions around the sun!

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