Monday, December 12, 2011
I'm not ok. Not now, maybe not for a long while. Intrinsically I know I will be ok at some point, but I am having a difficult time seeing my way through my current situation to a point of just being ok. Not even a place of happiness, just ok-ness. I am just so sad. So stuck. So angry. Crying is helping and not all at the same time. Sometimes I am just so tired of being strong. Sometimes I just need arms to hold me and a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I need someone on my side, telling me it will be ok, even if it isn't, and boosting me up. I don't get that from anyone right now, and maybe that is really the deal. That we each have to have a level of that within ourselves. Maybe I need to be able to refill my own strength reserve. Maybe I shouldn't need another person or people to do that for me, to validate me in that way. I am the nurturer, the rock, the sounding board. I am the advisor for many people in many ways. I need nurturing too. Maybe it is too much to expect that from just one person, or from a select group of people. Is it time to weed my friend garden again? To rid it of the weeds who threaten to choke out the healthy relationships. Do I have any weeds? And more importantly, do I have any healthy relationships to nurture?