Thursday, December 22, 2011

Same Bullshit, different day

So what has been going on in my life lately?

Let's see. A week ago, my therapist gave me a gentle nudge in the direction I needed to go, but had been denying for a number of years. It caused me to look at my whole life and what I was really doing vs. what I was really wanting. Thursday night, The Dude spent the night elsewhere and I had a dear old friend come over to cheer me up.
Friday, the principal of The Boys' school gave me the same nudge. After school, I was visiting with friends when one of them asked a blunt (but absolutley deserved) question which sent me into tears, and out of the classroom. I was slowly joined by the rest of them, who surrounded me with friendship and love and support. This made me cry even more - to know one is loved is one thing, but when those who love you are willing to hold your hand through extremely difficult times, then you really know what it means.
Saturday I woke up with chest pain. I had had this pain for a few days, but was ignoring it, but Saturday it was way worse. I was in the middle of Christmas shopping and it nearly doubled me over and could no longer be ignored. I drove myself to Emergency and texted my sister who met me there. I spent the afternoon lying in a hospital bed, being a pin cushion and hooked to monitors and crying, just crying. I was now in physical pain from the emotional and psychological pain overflow. I literally could not take it anymore. My body was telling me to stop. I went home and slept for a few hours. When I awoke, I told The Dude he needs to move out of the house. He was unclear on what that meant, and we had to talk about exactly what that means. To him, it means still being here, in the house, still eating here, showering here, sitting here on his computer, me buying gas for his truck, and maybe couch surfing at night. To me, it means he gets a job and a place to live.

Since Saturday, The Dude has been at the house pretty much 24/7, which is makiing me climb the walls. I have gone out a couple of times because I cannot sit here with him. The issue is that it is making me miss The Boys and time with them. I am now uncomfortable in my own home. Great.

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