Feeling weirdly out of sorts lately

Just trying to do a brain dump so that I can actually sleep tonight instead of tossing and turning, or having to stay up horribly late. So, you can ignore the inane ramblings if you wish.

Not sure why things with Corky have been a little off. She's been in kind of a bad mood lately, and it's rubbed off on me. Her back is still completely jacked up, now her manager is pressuring her to return to work, even though she is on disability, and he wants the Dr. note, even though the company and HR have the notes and records. She can't get a Dr. to take on her workman's comp because they are either moving to other practices, not accepting new patients, or their ratings are so low they are hardly worth calling at all. All of the red tape and run around is taking its toll on her. I miss her when she isn't here, and when she is in a mood and she is here? I'm stressed. The Boys, are themselves, every bit themselves, and she has a tough time handling that when she's in a mood. I find myself having to navigate between this is the one place they feel safe to act themselves (as they should), They are still learning basic human interactions and manners while hormones are overwhelming their systems, and Corky wanting this to be a peaceful place to come to when her life is chaotic. This home is anything but peaceful with two pubescent boys, and a peri-menopausal mother. 

Corky brought one of her lesbian novels over for me to read, as I am woefully under read in that genre. I liked the story, and found the characters interesting and engaging. I read a ton. For the past few years, it has mostly been fan fiction (which I have also been an editor for), and I have found equally well written stories there. I would like to introduce Corky to these, but I'm not sure where to start. Most fanfic is based on movie or TV characters, and the ones I read are based on the shows I watch, which are not the shows Corky watches.

I am also upset that I have gained weight again, after spending the last 37 years struggling, I am just not sure why this time. In the past I can link my weight gain to various things/events/people. Not this time. I am happy (yes, despite what I have just written I am happier than I have been in at least a decade, possibly longer). I love Corky, and she loves me.

I am also scared of being hurt and betrayed again. I know Corky is not the person who hurt me, but I seem to have a block around getting into a more permanent situation. It doesn't help that when she is here I sleep way better than when she is not.

I paid off a couple of looming debts this week, and have one more to pay (once I have a better idea of the amount), and then it will just be time to wait until things come through. 

I am currently addicted to this video in particular, and have some aspiration of learning the choreography. 

It has been FOREVER since I learned an actual routine, and NEVER one this intense, so I am curious to see how long it will take. I am hoping I will learn it before I am sick of the song...

The Boys grades are still concerning me. I can ensure their homework is complete, that it is what was assigned, and it is in the folder where they will find it the next day. The issue is when they are not at my house. They are not followed up with to check the work, it gets shoved in the bottom of a backpack and not turned in, if it was completed in the first place. I know that this is the time in their lives when these skills are learned. But I am also working with their father who does not have the skill or the will to help them. This makes me crazy.

I sat with Corky's ex tonight at an event and she was lamenting (still) about her last breakup. I am getting tired of hearing it. I get it, it was a shitty breakup, but it was also a relationship that was short, and started as a revenge plot. It was built on dishonesty and negativity, and was not healthy. I am truthfully not even certain that either of the people involved is capable of a healthy relationship.

I miss my bff. I know Corky is not fond of her, but I still miss her. I don't miss being her other husband, but I do miss spending time with her. I also miss some of my other friends, and I have to make a point of calling and planning things to do with them. The issue is, when? On the weekends I have the boys, the majority of time is spent doing homework that was not done at their father's. When it is a weekend without the kids, I like spending time with Corky. So you see my dilemma. Who's time do I cut into? gah. Maybe a weekday when I don't have the kids, and Corky's at work. I can take a lunch hour and have coffee, or lunch and just visit. I feel like I've been a pretty shitty friend.

I also need to get off my ass and move more. Salads everyday just isn't going to solve my weight problems.

Okay, I know this is a rant, and rambling mess, and I'm not angry or upset, I just needed to get this out of my head so that I can sleep. And yes Corky, I know you are reading this, and no you did not screw up, or say the wrong thing. This is not messed up. I love you, I want you, and I miss you and this is me doing a brain dump.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

I am tired. This was a really busy weekend, exhausting emotionally, and a bit physically as well.

Friday
I had coffee in the morning with bff. We hadn't really spoken in a month or two, and she's been dealing with some crap in her family. Corky doesn't like that I had a crush on her ages ago, nor how she took advantage of that to get me to do work around her house. I miss talking to her though, and getting her input on various things in my life, and with The Boys. The Boys had a half day, and they went to their old elementary school after they got out and had lunch. I picked up some firewood that will need to age for a year. When The Boys got home, they unloaded the wood (which was heavy for me to load). Instead of opening the gate to carry the wood to the backyard, they threw it over the fence... I guess the testosterone has kicked in... We had spaghetti for dinner and hung around arguing about homework. Corky spent the night, which was so very nice.

Saturday
The Boys had homework. The Youngest had TONS of homework. A project that had been assigned before winter break is due on Friday, and NONE of that work had been done at his father's. He also had another project due Monday in the same class, spelling and vocabulary also due Monday. A science project due Friday (that I had him do a third of), plus his math portfolio writeup. The oldest had some work as well, but The Youngest was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work. He managed to finish all but the vocabulary before bed time. Corky left mid afternoon to dog and house sit for a friend. The Boys and I watched Monty Python's Flying Circus, during which I fell asleep, and headed to bed.

Sunday
Up early and missing Corky. The Youngest finished his homework. More laundry and grocery shopping before heading to friends to test cook their new pizza oven. It was not as warm a day as I was hoping, but in front of the oven? Hot like the sun. It took some time to get the oven to temp, and once it was, we had eaten too many test pizzas... So we had salad and s'mores and went home. I'd been on my feet for hours on cement in converse low tops, and could only hobble to the car at that point. I'm getting too old for my dreams as a chef (HA!). Came home smelling like a camp fire, and The Boys showered and we watched the extras on Monty Python's Flying Circus.

In Observance

Martin Luther King Jr.

Sunday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

It is a holiday weekend in the United States. Of course, I do not have the day off of work, because I work for a company that does NOT observe this particular holiday. Another busy weekend for Corky and I, at the end of which, we decided to do nothing the next weekend we have alone (in two weeks).

Thursday
Karaoke with about 30 women, a few men and a rousing good time with some seriously good singers. So much fun! Corky invited some of the people to pizza at the house on Saturday night. Not sure how many will remember...

Friday
Corky's Cobra in for repairs, done in time for a reasonable price, and I came to some decisions that are actually well thought out and rational, as opposed to rash and emotion based. I felt better about the future after making them, and I suppose that is a sign that they were the right decisions for me.

Saturday
Slept in, got rid of the old bunk beds, and finally fit the cobra into the garage. Corky is happy about this, as she has been getting the garage ready for her baby since I moved. Corky had her first session of reposturing, and it has REALLY helped her, her lower back pain is improved, as is her shoulder pain & I have never seen her look so awake and restored. She will continue treatments until it is a more permanent resolution. For now, she is doing exercises to keep as close as possible to where she is today. Corky asked if we could meet a couple of my friends at breakfast tomorrow. I asked if she wanted to do so, as we'd invited people over for tonight. She stated it would be fine. So we messaged back and forth, and it was set up for 9:30 tomorrow, an hour away. Sent texts to the people invited for pizza to confirm. Only 1 responded that she remembered and would be here. We had pizza, and chips and guacamole and apple pie with great conversation. Another couple stopped by late, and we all laughed and talked until late!

Sunday
The alarm was my enemy. A thick layer of tule fog made our travels a bit slower, but we did make it to a terrific breakfast in plenty of time. Visiting with people I haven't seen in YEARS was so nice! It's like I'd seen them last week. We agreed to not make the gap as long before another get together. Came home and made love until I actually sang opera. Now I have a sore throat and am sipping hot tea with honey. Looking forward to hearing about The Boys' weekend, and how much homework they actually completed. I'm sure there will be work to do tomorrow, even though I'd love for them to wash my car...

Tableau Tuesday - Random images from the past few months

Since I haven't posted these (or if I did it was so long ago I've forgotten...):

Created with flickr slideshow.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Just a warning that this may turn to a rant at any poin in the writing, and it is not to be taken personally by anyone real or imagined.

Friday
The kids and I walked through their grades and missing assignments. The Oldest pulled his grades out of the gutter (at this point in time) However, he is still needing to improve by quite alot. So we wrote out what was needed to be completed over the weekend, and I took all screens away, with their ability to earn an hour per day for screens. They whined and bitched and moaned and threw fits worthy of Verruca Salt. In the end, they got no screen time for all the whining. Instead, they played together, and we played Monopoly as a family. I made a tri tip in the crock pot, and we added mashed potatoes and gravy, and broccoli and cauliflower. The Boys called it a hit, and Corky enjoyed it too. I had a salad. When we went to bed I removed the UVerse box, the Xbox controllers, the remote controls, and changed the passwords on all devices.

Saturday
Morning, and The Boys were pissed off because they were going to do what they always do, which is get up quietly and sneak onto screens of some sort. They said I was cold for doing what I did, and I explained that no screens, means exactly that. Corky made fantastic pancakes for breakfast. The Boys whined some more that there was nothing to do, and they were going to be bored, and then threw in my face that at their dad's house, they get half a day Saturday on screen, and then are chased outside for the other half of the day. I countered that I was not going to spend my Sunday fighting over homework. It was all to be done Saturday. You know what? It was done. All of the homework. Plus, rooms cleaned, bathroom cleaned, and two tie blankets for charity done. We joined a new Meetup for committed gay couples (and their families) at a good restaurant and enjoyed the meal and meeting new people. Corky was uncomfortable in the crowd, and was quiet. The Boys were relatively well behaved, and I enjoyed myself.

Sunday
Grape Nuts and bananas for breakfast was exactly what I needed. I got The Boys outside, mowing the front and side yards, and clearing out the piles of debris in the back. We still can't start the lawnmower, so they are push mowing. We cleaned out the garage, hauling a bunch of stuff to the thrift store. We assembled the bunk beds and took pics for a Craig's List ad. My Nephew came over to finish his video to send to soccer scouts and college coaches. Corky was out of sorts most of the day, and we broke down before she went home for the night. We are okay, and all still learning to live together, and there are bumps along the way.

Also this weekend, I was finally able to finish photoshopping our NOH8 photos:

I hope you all have a fantastic week.

If you are wondering if I am living under a rock for not mentioning the insane terror attacks in various parts of the world (France, Syria, Colorado, Nigeria), or the death of Leelah Alcorn (or many, so many other LGBT youth), or all of the other horrors and atrocities of our world; I am not. What I am choosing is to reflect on my own life, and my individual impact on this world as a whole. I am trying to protect myself, and my empathetic heart from breaking at all of the loss. I can only live in the moment of sadness and loss for just that, the moment. I cannot allow the fear, sadness to build in my heart. There is already more love in my heart that I send to each of you.

Monday Morning Holiday Wrap Up

This was a nice weekend, and fairly relaxing after the prep, party and clean up for NYE.

Friday
Sex. Lots of sex. I missed it terribly after so long (not actually a long time, it just seemed so). Corky and I lazed about the house and cleaned and ate more cheese than we should have. Tried to get her iPhone set up, but were unable to get her pics and contacts transferred. The person at the retail store was of zero help & sent us to do it on our own. spent time in the evening trying to get the transfer complete and with customer support, who referred us to the retail store...

Saturday
Out all day with Corky and her roommate. Started in a town we thought would have a cute downtown (it didn't), and ended up in another town we knew had tons of antique shops. Bought a set of fireplace tools and a wine rack (since we have the equivalent of 2 cases of wine left after NYE). All meals out all day long, but it was a ton of walking in the frigid temps and fun too. Went back to retail store, and they were mostly still unhelpful, but they did manage to get her contacts across, and then tried to sell us a $100 adapter with micro SD chip to transfer the photos to the computer. I found the adapter alone on line for under $4...

Sunday
Slept in (for about 11 hours) and it felt glorious! Up and laundry, and groceries, and spending some time with Corky before The Boys came home. The Oldest bought an ipad mini with his saved $$$, and I'm not sure I am happy about that. I seriously do not think he needs another screen to be taken away because of his grades... He bought it while at his father's, so I had no say in it. We'll see how the week progresses with The Oldest's promises that work was actually turned in prior to break.