Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Feeling weirdly out of sorts lately

Just trying to do a brain dump so that I can actually sleep tonight instead of tossing and turning, or having to stay up horribly late. So, you can ignore the inane ramblings if you wish.

Not sure why things with Corky have been a little off. She's been in kind of a bad mood lately, and it's rubbed off on me. Her back is still completely jacked up, now her manager is pressuring her to return to work, even though she is on disability, and he wants the Dr. note, even though the company and HR have the notes and records. She can't get a Dr. to take on her workman's comp because they are either moving to other practices, not accepting new patients, or their ratings are so low they are hardly worth calling at all. All of the red tape and run around is taking its toll on her. I miss her when she isn't here, and when she is in a mood and she is here? I'm stressed. The Boys, are themselves, every bit themselves, and she has a tough time handling that when she's in a mood. I find myself having to navigate between this is the one place they feel safe to act themselves (as they should), They are still learning basic human interactions and manners while hormones are overwhelming their systems, and Corky wanting this to be a peaceful place to come to when her life is chaotic. This home is anything but peaceful with two pubescent boys, and a peri-menopausal mother. 

Corky brought one of her lesbian novels over for me to read, as I am woefully under read in that genre. I liked the story, and found the characters interesting and engaging. I read a ton. For the past few years, it has mostly been fan fiction (which I have also been an editor for), and I have found equally well written stories there. I would like to introduce Corky to these, but I'm not sure where to start. Most fanfic is based on movie or TV characters, and the ones I read are based on the shows I watch, which are not the shows Corky watches.

I am also upset that I have gained weight again, after spending the last 37 years struggling, I am just not sure why this time. In the past I can link my weight gain to various things/events/people. Not this time. I am happy (yes, despite what I have just written I am happier than I have been in at least a decade, possibly longer). I love Corky, and she loves me.

I am also scared of being hurt and betrayed again. I know Corky is not the person who hurt me, but I seem to have a block around getting into a more permanent situation. It doesn't help that when she is here I sleep way better than when she is not.

I paid off a couple of looming debts this week, and have one more to pay (once I have a better idea of the amount), and then it will just be time to wait until things come through. 

I am currently addicted to this video in particular, and have some aspiration of learning the choreography. 

It has been FOREVER since I learned an actual routine, and NEVER one this intense, so I am curious to see how long it will take. I am hoping I will learn it before I am sick of the song...

The Boys grades are still concerning me. I can ensure their homework is complete, that it is what was assigned, and it is in the folder where they will find it the next day. The issue is when they are not at my house. They are not followed up with to check the work, it gets shoved in the bottom of a backpack and not turned in, if it was completed in the first place. I know that this is the time in their lives when these skills are learned. But I am also working with their father who does not have the skill or the will to help them. This makes me crazy.

I sat with Corky's ex tonight at an event and she was lamenting (still) about her last breakup. I am getting tired of hearing it. I get it, it was a shitty breakup, but it was also a relationship that was short, and started as a revenge plot. It was built on dishonesty and negativity, and was not healthy. I am truthfully not even certain that either of the people involved is capable of a healthy relationship.

I miss my bff. I know Corky is not fond of her, but I still miss her. I don't miss being her other husband, but I do miss spending time with her. I also miss some of my other friends, and I have to make a point of calling and planning things to do with them. The issue is, when? On the weekends I have the boys, the majority of time is spent doing homework that was not done at their father's. When it is a weekend without the kids, I like spending time with Corky. So you see my dilemma. Who's time do I cut into? gah. Maybe a weekday when I don't have the kids, and Corky's at work. I can take a lunch hour and have coffee, or lunch and just visit. I feel like I've been a pretty shitty friend.

I also need to get off my ass and move more. Salads everyday just isn't going to solve my weight problems.

Okay, I know this is a rant, and rambling mess, and I'm not angry or upset, I just needed to get this out of my head so that I can sleep. And yes Corky, I know you are reading this, and no you did not screw up, or say the wrong thing. This is not messed up. I love you, I want you, and I miss you and this is me doing a brain dump.

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