The weekend (yes last weekend) soared by in a blur of Fudge and Irish Cream making, A Birthday Party for The Oldest and his best friend, which was really fun for almost all attendees, and will be shared more as I get my shit together. For those of you who know me IRL, you can stop laughing now...
Monday I was considering not attending the funeral. AJ was not a particularly close friend of mine, though I did think of her often, and she was one of the most kind hearted and generous people I've known. She was at one time, a very high powered executive in Silicon Valley, and also very down to earth. She'd had cancer, and been dying of it for the entire time I'd known her, and at age 47, lost that battle on December 12th. Her funeral mass was at St. Joseph's Cathedral in San Jose, and well attended. I was unable to stay for the reception, and on one hand was glad for that, but on the other I wish I could have stayed.
You see, AJ was a friend in a group that I've kind of fallen away from due to several factors, most of which could have been avoided or mended by me. It is my level of maturity (or lack there of) that has caused much of the falling away. I fairly sure all of our common friends would likely welcome my friendship again (and some have stuck with me despite all of the shit), but I really don't know if that is true. I also don't know if I am ready to open myself up to all of it again, revisit old wounds that are still painful, and risk losing dear, dear friends again. I am so scared in fact, that just typing this has me crying into my keyboard. Sometimes it takes the death of a loved one to open such doorways of opportunity. Do I let it shut quietly, or do I throw it open wide and just grow up already? I can't lick my wounds indefinitely, nor hide in the background. I think it's time for some New Year's reaching out and apologizing. Some of these relationships may restart, some may not, but none will if I just sit on my hands.
AJ wrote a poem that was printed in the memorial, as well as read at the service:
Wouldn't this old world be better
If the folks we meet would say:
"I know something good about you,"
and then treat us just that way?
Wouldn't life be lots more sunny
If we praise good we see;
For there's such a lot of goodness
In the worst of you and me
Wouldn't it be nice to practice
Just this way of thinking, too;
"You know something good about me
I know something good about You."
I think she was on to something, and I'm here to say I know something good about you.
Merry Christmas to all!