The Aftermath

Christmas is over, toys are played with, food is eaten, and I am still here. The Dude is still here. I am growing more and more angry with him, and he is being more and more of an ass to me and the kids. The hyper criticality and general anger aimed at us all is just pissing me off. Today, I took The Boys shopping with their Christmas money after The Dude reminded me at least 4 times that I should do so... THEN he had the audacity to complain that The Boys actually spent their money... The Oldest had a friend over, and The Dude, on one of his rants was being an ass, and swearing when this kid was here, further embarrassing The Oldest, and making him feel like shit. I stepped in and told The Dude to take a time out, and then he started arguing with me WHY he was justified in being such an ass. And what was it about? Recyclables... The Oldest placed items on the counter for recycling, when The Dude had asked him to put them in the trash. The Dude asked why The Oldest didn't just take them out to recycling right then. So The Oldest at that moment took the recycling out, and I joined him, taking all of the fucking DIET PEPSI empty cases out, which THE DUDE hadn't taken out in god knows how long. The hypocracy may make me shoot someone eventually.
The great and noble Dude who rides in on his white horse when women are being taken advantage of, does the same to his wife... Fuck me.

I'm Really Trying

To get into the holiday spirit of giving and feeling blessed, and gratuity, and loving my fellow people and all. But honestly? I'm so not feeling it this year with all of the tension in the air and the yelling and fighting and bickering. I really, REALLY want to feel good about everything, I WANT to find the happy place this season. I WANT to capture the magic of humanity, but the crass consumerism and days on end in the same general area with a person I am growing to resent more and more is making it difficult for me. I need to focus on what I have in my life, not on what I lack. I need to move forward, and feel stuck. It seems like I get to that place of happy - listening to Christmas music, and reading good wishes. And then, as if to remind me of how exactly shitty my life is, something happens. I need a new battery for my car, I need new tires for my car, The Dude says he wants to take The Boys to Arizona for a long weekend and Spring Training that neither kid actually wants to go to, or I get a check for a deposit refund, and it's made out to The Dude. I will never see that money again, even though I made the original deposit.

Still trying



This video generally makes me very happy, but not today...

Same Bullshit, different day

So what has been going on in my life lately?

Let's see. A week ago, my therapist gave me a gentle nudge in the direction I needed to go, but had been denying for a number of years. It caused me to look at my whole life and what I was really doing vs. what I was really wanting. Thursday night, The Dude spent the night elsewhere and I had a dear old friend come over to cheer me up.
Friday, the principal of The Boys' school gave me the same nudge. After school, I was visiting with friends when one of them asked a blunt (but absolutley deserved) question which sent me into tears, and out of the classroom. I was slowly joined by the rest of them, who surrounded me with friendship and love and support. This made me cry even more - to know one is loved is one thing, but when those who love you are willing to hold your hand through extremely difficult times, then you really know what it means.
Saturday I woke up with chest pain. I had had this pain for a few days, but was ignoring it, but Saturday it was way worse. I was in the middle of Christmas shopping and it nearly doubled me over and could no longer be ignored. I drove myself to Emergency and texted my sister who met me there. I spent the afternoon lying in a hospital bed, being a pin cushion and hooked to monitors and crying, just crying. I was now in physical pain from the emotional and psychological pain overflow. I literally could not take it anymore. My body was telling me to stop. I went home and slept for a few hours. When I awoke, I told The Dude he needs to move out of the house. He was unclear on what that meant, and we had to talk about exactly what that means. To him, it means still being here, in the house, still eating here, showering here, sitting here on his computer, me buying gas for his truck, and maybe couch surfing at night. To me, it means he gets a job and a place to live.

Since Saturday, The Dude has been at the house pretty much 24/7, which is makiing me climb the walls. I have gone out a couple of times because I cannot sit here with him. The issue is that it is making me miss The Boys and time with them. I am now uncomfortable in my own home. Great.

Ok-ness

I'm not ok. Not now, maybe not for a long while. Intrinsically I know I will be ok at some point, but I am having a difficult time seeing my way through my current situation to a point of just being ok. Not even a place of happiness, just ok-ness. I am just so sad. So stuck. So angry. Crying is helping and not all at the same time. Sometimes I am just so tired of being strong. Sometimes I just need arms to hold me and a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I need someone on my side, telling me it will be ok, even if it isn't, and boosting me up. I don't get that from anyone right now, and maybe that is really the deal. That we each have to have a level of that within ourselves. Maybe I need to be able to refill my own strength reserve. Maybe I shouldn't need another person or people to do that for me, to validate me in that way. I am the nurturer, the rock, the sounding board. I am the advisor for many people in many ways. I need nurturing too. Maybe it is too much to expect that from just one person, or from a select group of people. Is it time to weed my friend garden again? To rid it of the weeds who threaten to choke out the healthy relationships. Do I have any weeds? And more importantly, do I have any healthy relationships to nurture?

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

The closer we get to the holidays, the more untethered I am feeling. Another insanely busy weekend, followed by this last week of school for The Boys and then all three of us have two weeks off.
Friday - a field trip to see Fractured Fairy Tales, performed by the Middle School where the oldest will join Drama next year. Six takes on various fairy tales. The boys' favorite was Peter Pancake and Captain Spork. My favorite was Ditzy Locks and the Three Bears. That was followed by my teaching art, where the 4th and 5th graders were finishing the ceramic sculptures. The Youngest missed out on building gingerbread houses because the people around him were so loud that he missed the last call for that project. He was in tears over missing out, which necessitated a trip to the store so that he could build on this weekend with his father and brother. Because of the missing time at school, I worked fairly late getting some work and some school work done. The dude bought The Boys a movie, though not sure how since he borrowed gas money earlier in the week... He let them stay up way past bedtime, and not surprising, they were all upset by the time they did go to bed. Everyone was melting down and angry, which is no way to end the day. I talked to The Boys and they seemed to sleep ok.

Saturday - The dude bought breakfast for The Boys and I had to reschedule my afternoon photo shoot due to a fever. Spent the morning doing laundry and getting The Oldest to practice his piano and drums. He did manage about 45 minutes each instrument, but still has work to do on the piano piece he is on. The youngest built 2 of the five mini gingerbread houses with his father. After practicing, The Oldest built his two gingerbread houses with his father. Am looking at buying new tires for my car with the photo shoot money from this weekend, and found out new tires are insanely expensive for my vehicle. The dude also bought lunch for The Boys. I think next time I will just put the gas in his truck. The dude went to a Christmas party, and not due back before 4pm Sunday, and I am photographed a corporate Christmas party, so The Boys are spent the night at my folk's house. They went looking at Christmas decorations, and watched "Elf".

Sunday - the Boys were bribed into attending church with my folks, then they got to go to breakfast. I tidied the house and bathed the dogs, and did even more laundry. Shot a holiday card for about an hour and made my holiday fudge. The Boys practiced instruments and played the rest of the day. The Dude had promised to be back by around 5, but still wasn't home when The Boys called him at 6:30, and he said he was going to have a crab dinner, then come home. He called at 8:22 to say he wasn't going to leave where he was for at least another 30 minutes, and tell The Boys good night.

Feeling this today:

Thoughtful Thursday

Hug and love those around you while you can.

Today I am asking for support, light, love, prayers, and good vibes for all of those people who are lonely this season. In the darkest days of the year (in the Northern Hemisphere), where every time you turn around you are reminded of families and togetherness and giving and love, there are people among us who are painfully aware of their own mortality, and their own aloness. Give everyone you see a warm welcome - these are our human family, and we all need more interaction and love.

I love you and want you to be happy.

Wicked Wednesday #8

Continuing with these posts.Wicked Wednesdays all began with this post. I'll regale you with another night of drinking that went horribly, horribly wrong. If you are under the age of consent for wherever you live in the universe, take these as cautionary tales. If you are like me and have had your share of poor judgement moments, then we can laugh together. Yes that is a picture of me with a lampshade on my head, doing the shimmy. I will not be posting the names of my cohorts in these wanton ways, but for clarification, will identify them by an initial of their names.
For those who know me IRL, you may know I have been involved in a non-profit service organization for nearly 20 years. It also happens to be a fan club of a tropical rock singer (perhaps the first to be considered as such). These fan clubs are primarily a way for people who like the music to connect and we do service projects too. But mostly we drink heavily. We drink after each service project, sometimes during those projects, and we have Happy Hours monthly. Annually, there is a gathering of all of the associated fan clubs, and there is alot of good work, and a whole hell of alot of drinking, and music, and nakedness. I'm almost positive there has been a couple of pregnancies, and likely several STDs exchanged. There is outdoor, in public sex, bead throwing, puking, passing out, and all that goes along with middle aged people cutting loose, who are normally buttoned up.
During one of these annual conventions, I was travelling alone, and drinking with my friends, and found myself, tits out for beads in a bar where there is a web cam... At the point in time I realized that, I was ushered from said bar by a friend, poured into a car and taken back to my place. Following that trip, we instituted a tag system of "If found unconscious, please return to_______" that all members were to wear at all times. It is not uncommon to start a day with Bloody Marys, continue with alcohol smoothies for lunch and on to dinner and additional drinks. The year this occurred was the culmination of 2 weeks spent not sober, with local concert of same musician, Vegas concert of same, and the convention. I have somewhat hazy memories of the whole thing, and was told of the bead gathering at a later date (after we all dried out).

Tableau Tuesday 12/6/2011

Feeling like I need more courage and clarity in my live, strength to do the difficult but correct thing. May the Universe find me worthy of its love and energy.

Some things I've been up to this last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday all!

Music Monday Weekend wrap up

This was a VERY busy weekend - but then again, when is it not a busy weekend? That would be never.
Before the weekend even started, I'd driven on a field trip and grocery shopped on Wednesday, had lunch with a dear friend, took the school staff holiday photo, went to therapy and yoga, and made cake pops on Thursday.

Friday was The Oldest's 11th Birthday, and in true fashion asked for a Happy Hour Play Date as a party. Earlier that day, I worked in the classroom and led Destination Imagination Instant Challenges after school. So we had 5 of his friends over, a couple of their siblings, and all of their moms. The kids played and ran around and had fun, and the moms sat around, visited and drank. The party started at 4:00, and ended past 10:00. I had too much to drink and slept like the dead...

Saturday- we had to be at a Destination Imagination Instant Challenge Day at 8:45, and I felt pretty rough around the edges. We came home and had lunch, and I had a hair appointment that I thought would be from 2:30 - 3:30, but instead ended up being from 3:00 - 4:30. I had a couple of friends pick up The Boys and meet me at the salon and we all went to the nearby Christmas Parade. We then rode around looking at light displays, and discovered many were not yet up.We were out until about 8:30 and The Boys were obnoxious and fighting the entire time.

Sunday morning The Boys had a bowling birthday party to attend, and I did some Christmas shopping during that time, and stocked up on supplies to make my traditional Christmas gifts - Irish Cream, Hot Cocoa mix and fudge. I also did all of the laundry and figured out WHY the breaker to the house was tripping. I made dinner and cleaned up afterward.

And now for some NSFW Christmas tunes:


Happy Monday all - and here's to a slower paced week - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA