Saturday, April 6, 2013

Brain fluff

At this point I seem to only think about posting once a month. I should get back to it as this blog helps me voice some of the crap floating around in my head.

Current dilemma - I see myself as one way, which seems to be refuted by MANY people in my life. I have been taken aback by people's differing views for a few weeks now. Interesting, and I think a bit unsettling. But, I also think I know where this is coming from (both my need to voice my labels, and the disagreements).

I have recently begun hanging out with a new group of people - single lesbians. To those for whom this may be news - I am bi. Not having any lesbian friends and REALLY poor female gaydar makes for a lonely existence when desiring a woman. This is making me feel far less alone in the world, which I need. No dating prospects at this time, but I'm not turning away from the group either. Have found people who are genuine and cool and want to spend more time with them.

So, I see myself as butch-ish (grown up tomboy), and no one else irl sees that. But I think it is a subtlety of language that is the hang up. I am a strong woman (for sure); not manly, but certainly more than capable of taking care of myself and my family (which I ascribe more to male energy). I am also a nurturer by nature, and most have responded that I am more earth mother in their eyes. What I think when I hear that is a zaftig woman in flowing tie-dyed robes, dancing in a drum circle, under the full moon. And really, that image probably isn't as far off as I think it is.

What I really want is no label. I just want to be me. I want someone in my bed. Not entirely sure if I want a partner. Don't think it's entirely fair to ask someone to make me the first priority, when I absolutely will not do the same. I have smallish kids who are my focus, and I cannot sacrifice their future for anything, let alone bringing any more crazy people into their lives. And so, do I live a monastic life until The Boys move out? Do I take a lover or a series of lovers to satisfy my physical needs, while maintaining my emotional distance, and relying upon friends to fill my emotional intimacy needs? Not entirely healthy (perhaps).

Do I even need to state a goal other than meeting new people and having a social life? Are my desires born from the "Anything that isn't what I had for the past 20+ years"? What could be further from that than a femme woman? And is that what I even want? I need more empirical data. So I need to date, and kiss, and fuck.

What I do not need is psychologically crippled people. I do not need to rescue anyone, or have anyone rescue me. I want a person in my life, just no clue what that looks like right now, or ever. Always been bad at one night stands, and don't consider myself a player, but may have to adopt a bit of that to just get out and start seeing where things lead.

There is more in my brain on this, but for now I need to just mull these things over.

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