I had a very emotional and intense massage today. I was bawling for most of it, releasing on lots of built up resentment, anger, and regret. It was so intense, at one point I thought I was going to burst into flame. I've had some experiences in my life, where I can truly feel a power surging through me. It is heightened during meditation, drumming circles, group meditation, and Reiki. Today was 1,000 times stronger than I have EVER felt it. I was just pouring out, and filling up with power at the same time. I have a new massage therapist. She is an empath. Intuitive, and VERY direct. She told me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. She called me on my shit, and she was awesome.
I am exhausted tonight. I need to type this out before I forget.
I am on my path. I have chosen it, and I have named it. I've given the universe my intentions and I know the way. I will remain focused on my path and continue to grow.
Peace be with you, my peace I give to you.
Thank-you Jasmina
Monday, October 27, 2008
Weekend "off"
I took a weekend break from my blog. I know no one is really reading it, so I don't think it's that big a deal. I had other RL stuff to do. It was the Halloween Fun Night at the kids school on Saturday, and I was at the school for a total of 24.5 hours over 3 days. I am tired, but I feel good because the kids had fun - lots of fun, and the parents didn't complain too much. Or if they did, I wasn't aware of it. Then again, from my perch on stage I wouldn't have heard most of it anyway.
I got to call Bingo, and that was pretty cool. The High Schooler who was helping me was wearing a really short skirt, and kept squatting down to check people's bingo cards, so there was a glut of gawkers in the center aisle most of the time. From what I hear, she was wearing white panties, but I didn't see them.
It was a Pirate theme, and as previously mentioned I made the sail which looked cool. Most of the parents who help set up, run the event and tear down want to do a haunted house next year. We'll have a meeting to look at what worked, and any improvements, and start planning for next year. This year, planning didn't start until a month ago, so it all felt kind of rushed.
Now I can concentrate on planning end of season soccer parties, Birthday parties, Christmas - - ARGH it never ends!!!!
I got to call Bingo, and that was pretty cool. The High Schooler who was helping me was wearing a really short skirt, and kept squatting down to check people's bingo cards, so there was a glut of gawkers in the center aisle most of the time. From what I hear, she was wearing white panties, but I didn't see them.
It was a Pirate theme, and as previously mentioned I made the sail which looked cool. Most of the parents who help set up, run the event and tear down want to do a haunted house next year. We'll have a meeting to look at what worked, and any improvements, and start planning for next year. This year, planning didn't start until a month ago, so it all felt kind of rushed.
Now I can concentrate on planning end of season soccer parties, Birthday parties, Christmas - - ARGH it never ends!!!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
New found energy
Originally posted 8/4/08
So today I had a nap. Remember those from your childhood? It felt really really good too! I had the ceiling fan on, there was a slight summer breeze, and I was listening to Jim Morris. I just decided that I needed to rest. Thankfully, I had some free time in my day to do that, when the kids were at my Mother-in-law's. I wish I lived in a country that valued the midday break. I think it refreshes your brain, and allows you a sense of the day starting again. I'll be up until late tonight, getting everything done that needs to get done, but I'll also have the energy to do it.
Now to get legislation passed for naptimes...
So today I had a nap. Remember those from your childhood? It felt really really good too! I had the ceiling fan on, there was a slight summer breeze, and I was listening to Jim Morris. I just decided that I needed to rest. Thankfully, I had some free time in my day to do that, when the kids were at my Mother-in-law's. I wish I lived in a country that valued the midday break. I think it refreshes your brain, and allows you a sense of the day starting again. I'll be up until late tonight, getting everything done that needs to get done, but I'll also have the energy to do it.
Now to get legislation passed for naptimes...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Nightmare du jour
I woke up this morning at 5:00 because of a horrible nightmare.
I was at work, and got called into a meeting in a conference room, which is weird because I only ever have phone meetings. One of my peers and my boss were there - also weird because I didn't recognize either one from my present life. There, my peer told me that we were combining teams, and she was going to be the supervisor. I said, "okay, then where does that leave me?" My peer looked at my boss, who stood up and brought a piece of paper over, and said that my services were no longer needed, and she showed me the paper, while intentionally covering some part of information. I was aghast! I had trained the peer, and now she was taking my job.
I suppose this isn't really a particularly weird dream overall, given the current economy and the paranoia displayed where I work.
I was at work, and got called into a meeting in a conference room, which is weird because I only ever have phone meetings. One of my peers and my boss were there - also weird because I didn't recognize either one from my present life. There, my peer told me that we were combining teams, and she was going to be the supervisor. I said, "okay, then where does that leave me?" My peer looked at my boss, who stood up and brought a piece of paper over, and said that my services were no longer needed, and she showed me the paper, while intentionally covering some part of information. I was aghast! I had trained the peer, and now she was taking my job.
I suppose this isn't really a particularly weird dream overall, given the current economy and the paranoia displayed where I work.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Not Just Tired
Originally posted 7/21/08
Today I am tired, the bone weary tired you get after doing too much for too long with too little. I only wish it were the hung over after a week of parties tired, but it isn't. I have been running around, doing everything for everyone and not paying enough attention to myself. I am wife, mother, nurse, psychologist, marriage counselor, advice columnist, driver, financier, accountant, maid, laundress, and cook. I do bring home the bacon, and I do fry it up in a pan, and now I'm near the end of my own rope. The dream of having it all has gone down the tubes, replaced by the nightmare of having to do it all, with still little to show for it. Buried under a crippling mortgage, in a stale economy, and having to still organize play dates is going to be my unraveling. Really. I'm certain of it. I need a break. I won't get a break. It's the carrot in front of the horse trick. If I can only get past this one hurdle, than I'm home free. It's sysiphus and madness. I don't have time to worry about myself, and I know it will make my physically ill if I don't take care. I can't sleep. I have to be at the point of collapse to even get there, and once there my dreams are not peaceful. I wake up more exausted than I started and have to do even more. My job doesn't help with the never in reach bar being held higher and higher, and the glass ceiling getting lower every day. I know things will get better, eventually but I need eventually to be sooner rather than later. I do not snap at my kids (thankfully) and they are able to make me laugh and smile when nothing else can. I'm a mess. My house is a mess, and I can only try to keep the chaos down to a dull roar.I'm not just tired, I'm sick and tired.
Today I am tired, the bone weary tired you get after doing too much for too long with too little. I only wish it were the hung over after a week of parties tired, but it isn't. I have been running around, doing everything for everyone and not paying enough attention to myself. I am wife, mother, nurse, psychologist, marriage counselor, advice columnist, driver, financier, accountant, maid, laundress, and cook. I do bring home the bacon, and I do fry it up in a pan, and now I'm near the end of my own rope. The dream of having it all has gone down the tubes, replaced by the nightmare of having to do it all, with still little to show for it. Buried under a crippling mortgage, in a stale economy, and having to still organize play dates is going to be my unraveling. Really. I'm certain of it. I need a break. I won't get a break. It's the carrot in front of the horse trick. If I can only get past this one hurdle, than I'm home free. It's sysiphus and madness. I don't have time to worry about myself, and I know it will make my physically ill if I don't take care. I can't sleep. I have to be at the point of collapse to even get there, and once there my dreams are not peaceful. I wake up more exausted than I started and have to do even more. My job doesn't help with the never in reach bar being held higher and higher, and the glass ceiling getting lower every day. I know things will get better, eventually but I need eventually to be sooner rather than later. I do not snap at my kids (thankfully) and they are able to make me laugh and smile when nothing else can. I'm a mess. My house is a mess, and I can only try to keep the chaos down to a dull roar.I'm not just tired, I'm sick and tired.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
What a strange trip it's been
My first blog post ever - originally posted on 7/8/2008, on a limited area.
So I'm totally new to the whole blog phenom. I read them, but in my now 41 years I have never started one. I seem to prefer to write in my journal. Now that my journal has been scattered to the wind in what can only be described as a serious auto accident, I might as well do my navel gazing here.I share a birthdate with Pamela Anderson - yes, that one from Baywatch, and rock and roll whoredom. I look like the anti-PA Redheaded, freckled, overweight. Really the perfect fodder for a blog, I suppose. My life is way too busy, as I have a husband, 2 sons, a dog and a cat. Add a full time job, trying to get in better shape, several volunteer organizations, the kid activities, and I barely have time to breathe. And yet, I'm going to try to carve out some time to type every day.I work for the phone company, and I'm a Photographer - you can see my work at J9Photo.com I've been a photographer since the age of 10. I love it. I've been published, and I'm setting up my stock work at the moment. I'd rather shoot pics than sit in a cube, but I need the health benefits, and I seem to be ok at navigating the political landscape of corporate America, so I'll stick it out, send the boys to college (maybe even Domino College), and retire when I'm 60ish.I love to be in, on and around the water. Surfing, water skiing, sailing, SCUBA diving, lounging by the pool, anything really. I hate snow with a white hot passion normally reserved for dictators and terrorists. I'm a summer girl, and prefer even the 106 degrees I'm suffering under today than snow. Luckily, I live in SF Bay Area where it has only snowed 3 times in my lifetime.
Enough about me.
So I'm totally new to the whole blog phenom. I read them, but in my now 41 years I have never started one. I seem to prefer to write in my journal. Now that my journal has been scattered to the wind in what can only be described as a serious auto accident, I might as well do my navel gazing here.I share a birthdate with Pamela Anderson - yes, that one from Baywatch, and rock and roll whoredom. I look like the anti-PA Redheaded, freckled, overweight. Really the perfect fodder for a blog, I suppose. My life is way too busy, as I have a husband, 2 sons, a dog and a cat. Add a full time job, trying to get in better shape, several volunteer organizations, the kid activities, and I barely have time to breathe. And yet, I'm going to try to carve out some time to type every day.I work for the phone company, and I'm a Photographer - you can see my work at J9Photo.com I've been a photographer since the age of 10. I love it. I've been published, and I'm setting up my stock work at the moment. I'd rather shoot pics than sit in a cube, but I need the health benefits, and I seem to be ok at navigating the political landscape of corporate America, so I'll stick it out, send the boys to college (maybe even Domino College), and retire when I'm 60ish.I love to be in, on and around the water. Surfing, water skiing, sailing, SCUBA diving, lounging by the pool, anything really. I hate snow with a white hot passion normally reserved for dictators and terrorists. I'm a summer girl, and prefer even the 106 degrees I'm suffering under today than snow. Luckily, I live in SF Bay Area where it has only snowed 3 times in my lifetime.
Enough about me.
Monday, October 20, 2008
What I learned today
I learned today that if you hold a BBQ lighter to a $2.50 sheet in an attempt to create a more realistic pirate sail for Halloween, and you are not also holding a spray bottle, you could nearly burn down your house. I also learned that burning sheets, when stomped on will melt the bottom of your sneakers. Luckily, I still have the sneakers, and my house, and I learned a valuable lesson.
It started innocently enough. As a favor to a friend, I said I'd help with my kids' elementary school Halloween Fun Night. She's in charge of the fun night, and I am more than willing to pitch in. I went to my first meeting, and started throwing out ideas for decor. Next thing I know, I'm in charge of decorating. This weekend brought painting nursery tubs like powder kegs, and making a sail out of cheap sheets, then distressing it with paint, a steak knife and flames. It looks kind of cool, but I hope it translates ok in the gym. It's about 16' x 24' and a pain to haul around.
I'm moving my blog from a very limited area to here, so if you are reading, you'll see some back posts. I'm not very regular with posting, but occasionally I do have something interestng to say (at least to me).
It started innocently enough. As a favor to a friend, I said I'd help with my kids' elementary school Halloween Fun Night. She's in charge of the fun night, and I am more than willing to pitch in. I went to my first meeting, and started throwing out ideas for decor. Next thing I know, I'm in charge of decorating. This weekend brought painting nursery tubs like powder kegs, and making a sail out of cheap sheets, then distressing it with paint, a steak knife and flames. It looks kind of cool, but I hope it translates ok in the gym. It's about 16' x 24' and a pain to haul around.
I'm moving my blog from a very limited area to here, so if you are reading, you'll see some back posts. I'm not very regular with posting, but occasionally I do have something interestng to say (at least to me).
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