Not Just Tired

Originally posted 7/21/08

Today I am tired, the bone weary tired you get after doing too much for too long with too little. I only wish it were the hung over after a week of parties tired, but it isn't. I have been running around, doing everything for everyone and not paying enough attention to myself. I am wife, mother, nurse, psychologist, marriage counselor, advice columnist, driver, financier, accountant, maid, laundress, and cook. I do bring home the bacon, and I do fry it up in a pan, and now I'm near the end of my own rope. The dream of having it all has gone down the tubes, replaced by the nightmare of having to do it all, with still little to show for it. Buried under a crippling mortgage, in a stale economy, and having to still organize play dates is going to be my unraveling. Really. I'm certain of it. I need a break. I won't get a break. It's the carrot in front of the horse trick. If I can only get past this one hurdle, than I'm home free. It's sysiphus and madness. I don't have time to worry about myself, and I know it will make my physically ill if I don't take care. I can't sleep. I have to be at the point of collapse to even get there, and once there my dreams are not peaceful. I wake up more exausted than I started and have to do even more. My job doesn't help with the never in reach bar being held higher and higher, and the glass ceiling getting lower every day. I know things will get better, eventually but I need eventually to be sooner rather than later. I do not snap at my kids (thankfully) and they are able to make me laugh and smile when nothing else can. I'm a mess. My house is a mess, and I can only try to keep the chaos down to a dull roar.I'm not just tired, I'm sick and tired.