Thoughtful Thursday

Love and hug those around you while you can.

Today I am asking for positive vibes, prayers, good energy, a thought or a wish for my dad. He still is in the hospital. What is normally a rather routine gallbladder removal has become a difficult event for him to overcome. He has been beset by complications from the get go. His current state of health is just one of the many issues he will continue to have to overcome. I would love to have him happy and healthy and home for the holidays. Today is not that day. Today he continues to build strength, to get back on solid foods, stay awake long enough to improve his breathing, and get off antibiotics. Our family has postponed a holiday meal, and some of today will be spent bedside with my parents.

I am grateful for the time I do have with them, even when we disagree. They shaped me into the person I am, and helped me become who I am meant to be. I repay this by being the most me I can, by teaching my children to love and care. I know ultimately this will all resolve itself, and I have Corky reminding me of that as well.

Be grateful for the people who love you. I know I am.

Another update

Spent a little while yesterday visiting, he was awake, and still hallucinating a bit. They had him on clear liquids, and moved him to a regular room in the afternoon. He spent alot of time sleeping, but was peeing and breathing on his own. He took a short walk and they were working on getting his breathing capacity up, walking further and getting rid of the post surgery intestinal gas so he can eat solid foods and have a bowel movement. Waiting on a call back from mom to see what today's situation is like.

Gall Bladder update

An update:

The gallbladder was removed laparoscopically. It took longer than expected because it was full of puss, gangrenous, and  surrounded by a protective layer of fat. When detached from the liver, the inflamed liver bled like crazy and had to be patched. In recovery, he was having difficulty breathing and was delirious, thrashing (and likely shouting). They kept him in recovery extra long and sent him to ICU to keep a closer eye on him. So I spent pretty much all day (or afternoon and evening) at the hospital. I went home after they got him to ICU and Sis got there. Waiting to hear about his status today before planning when I will be there.
Side note:
Saw a Parrothead friend in the lobby, and her partner was just transferred from ICU (the same room dad went into). Thought I saw another friend from the second floor too, but missed her.

The Sickness Descends

Like a familiar, knowing how to attack. A betrayal of your body on your life. You have been running around, doing more than you should and now your body has had it up to here with this shit and needs some time off. I know it really started when I couldn't get warm while sitting at the hair salon, with wet hair and fans on high. The rest of that day was spent trying to get warm (unsuccessfully), and I did take a nap because I'd not gotten enough sleep the night before. The rest of the week was as follows:
Tuesday - The Youngest at DI until 3:30 and in Fencing from 4:00-5:30. During that 90 minutes, The Oldest and I bought him some new jeans (which are now too short)... He grew taller, and thinner. Quick pizza dinner at the house, courtesy of Corky, and meeting at the Middle School from 7-8pm.
Wednesday - Both kids out early, and orthodontist for The Oldest at 2:30. Meeting at the Elementary School 3:30-4:30 and directly to the Middle School for a jazz band performance at the ribbon cutting of the new building until 7:30, then home to calm the dogs down before bed.
Thursday - Optometrist at 12:15, Therapy at 2:00 and Honors Night at the Middle School 7:00-8:00. Home and turkey prep for the Elementary School harvest feast. As a vegetarian, I find it highly ironic that I cook a turkey every year. vick's vapor rub on my soles and socks on, eucalyptus oil drops on my shirt and in bed by 10:00, which was awesome.
Friday - up at 5:00 to get the turkey in the oven. Back to bed until 6:30. Youngest to school by 8:25, then back to the school by 10:00 with the now cooked bird. Working at home so I can try to be well for the rest of the weekend.

Monday for the wrap up.

As a Dog

Christmas was Pretty cool, but now I have the flu. Spent all day yesterday with fever hallucinations and passing out. Today was better. I actually got out of bed and took a shower. I'm hoping to feel much better tomorrow and then be ok for NYE. Have photos to process and stuff to do.

Been reading and catching up with bloggy buddies, and lazing about the house. Also have realized that daytime T.V. Is boring and repetitive. Have run out of immunitea, and am getting desperate. The Boys have been fairly well behaved for the past 2 days, telling me that they are sorry that I am sick. They have been very sweet, and The Oldest even made his own scrambled eggs for lunch. I supervised and they turned out delicious (according to him).

Wicked Wednesday #2

First off, I've decided to remove myself from ABC Wednesdays. With 100 participants, it was pulling me away from Friday Shoot Outs and Sunday Stills just to go and look at all of the posts, let alone thinking up comments.Second, it is also a Weird Wednesday, as I found out yesterday that my fur butt cat is quite the connoisseur - I left my brown rice and lentil soup bowl on the desk yesterday to get some water. When I returned, she was heartily enjoying the dish. It was a slightly spicy Indian lentil soup at that.Wicked Wednesdays all began with this post. I'll regale you with another night of drinking that went horribly, horribly wrong. If you are under the age of consent for wherever you live in the universe, take these as cautionary tales. If you are like me and have had your share of poor judgement moments, then we can laugh together. Yes that is a picture of me with a lampshade on my head, doing the shimmy. I will not be posting the names of my cohorts in these wanton ways, but for clarification, will identify them by an initial of their names.

Given that my last Wicked Wednesday event occurred years after my very first night of drinking that went horribly wrong, one would think that I had learned my lessons by the time I was in my late 30s. Not so. I was going out with my friends J, C, and M. By then I was doing Girls Nights Out (of which some will show up here in Wicked Wednesdays), and really not drinking all that much. I thought I had learned my lesson. Was I wrong! I love red wines, Merlot, and Cabernet Sauvignon are my absolute favorites. I'd already been a vegetarian for a number of years, but reds go well with lots of dishes. On this particular night we were going to dine at Oliveto, and dessert at Bittersweet. I had also invited L, a co-worker who had recently ended a relationship (and upon whom I had a crush). This was lining up to be a horrible ending right from the beginning! Dinner was yummy with pasta and bread (plenty to soak up the alcohol), and in my crushy nervousness, I ended up drinking nearly a bottle of wine by myself. I likely also talked way too loud and laughed way too much. The wine certainly clouded my judgement when we arrived at Bittersweet. A pots de creme, a hot chocolate and a chocolate bar later, and we walked back to BART. I was feeling really good, though my lack of an antacid was starting to be a point of some concern. By the time we boarded the train and were in motion I realized that I was going to be sick, likely all over the train, and near my friends. I was panicky, and upon realizing my panic, my dear friends started looking for items I could vomit into, including emptying my purse, but my stomach was not hearing of it. I ended up keeping it in my mouth until we arrived at the next stop, I got off the train, hurried to the nearest restroom (in an unfamiliar station no less), and exited the restroom victorious. Not a drop on me, the restroom, the train, or my friends, who were all concerned, but duly impressed with my ability to keep something truly disgusting in my mouth without further retching. (Keep your dirty minds to yourselves, thankyouverymuch!) We boarded the next train and headed home without further embarrassment on my part (Thankfully). This event had closely followed yet another red wine incident that I will detail perhaps next week. Since then, I have only had a sip of red wine on rare occasion (maybe twice), and I am sad that I can't really drink wine anymore because I'm not into whites.

I'm here, but not feeling it

It was a very tough week for me emotionally. I've been feeling left out and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm really getting tired of being the peacemaker and go between. I'm also tired of being completely and nearly solely responsible for many of the things in my life. I had a mental breakdown on Wednesday, which is not nearly as fun as a Foggy Mountain Breakdown... It had me bawling, and not the sad, movie type crying, but the let it all hang out sobbing, or as Oprah calls it - The Ugly Cry. By Thursday I felt a bit better, but still held under the weight of it all being just too much. Thursday night, I went out with some friends to Shecky's, drank too much between the pre-event, event itself and post-event, and had a killer hangover on Friday which didn't clear until almost 10:30. I really have to remember that I don't drink much or often, and I am decades past two week, Buffett inspired benders. Almost had another crying jag at the pre-event happy hour when a friend said that she and another friend needed to just come over and drag me out of the house because she was feeling like I needed more breaks than I get. She's right, and she was also right in knowing that I would not just up and pop over to one of their houses for a break. Re-realized that as neurotic and over thinking as I am, and as crappy of a self-image I have had in the past, that I am much more secure than many of the other people I know. I guess it comes from years of event driven therapy ;-) Had a weird dream Friday morning, not weird in a weird, creepy or scary sense, but weird in the I've never had that type of dream before. And no it wasn't a sex dream - I've had plenty of those! I woke up and wrote in my journal about the emotional support I am not receiving in RL, and how that likely translated into why I had the dream I had. I have too many people I know IRL reading this blog to actually post what the dream was about, which bothers me on a whole other level. I wanted to make this a record of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still finding myself editing what is here in consideration of how much shit I will get because of who I am, and because I'm honest about what is going on. SIGH. I'm getting to the tipping point on giving a rat's ass about what the hell ANYONE thinks about me, my family or my life.

Missed out on a couple of Photo Challenges, and actually did a shoot for money earlier in the week. Also almost complete with the edits to the wedding book I've been working on. It involved photo shop and adding a few pages, finding lyrics and ensuring page layouts were good. Almost ready to go to print! What I did shoot last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

And because it actually cheered me up:

More Bees?

Seriously, I think I need to re-examine my relationship to bees. Yesterday, I ran across this post, and today my oldest read this book. Both have bees or bee related items. To top it off, I've been drinking tea with honey for the past 2 nights because I've developed a chest cold, and I think the bees are winning, or at least deserve additional attention. I feel like this is another synchronous event that I need to pay attention to, so I am.

By the way, my dear friends in facebook think it's hysterically funny that I have a chest cold, or maybe they are reading it backward as cold chest. I've even been asked if I've been running around outside naked again...

Which I haven't in a really long time. Not since the Key West Police Department started giving t-shirts to women who were less clothed at Fantasy Fest. Sure, I've flashed for beads a few times, and I like my boobs, I think they are rather nice, in a pale freckly kind of way. But I reserve the pleasure of seeing them for my family. Yes, my sons regularly see me in a state of undress. I don't want them having any weird thoughts about naked bodies. My husband disagrees. He doesn't like seeing naked people, unless it's women who get paid to get naked, and even then only occasionally, and he certainly doesn't want any naked butts on his furniture. I think it's a weird hang up of his. I do draw the line at leaving the window shades open (lest you who know where I live get any bright ideas), answering the door, and working from home in the buff. I think it would be inherently odd to be talking to a VP of any company while naked.

Of course those are my hang-ups, and I completely support those who have a more or less strict view of nudity. It takes all kinds of people to make this world, and I don't begrudge anyone who can make it work for them.

Wow, this rambling post brought to you by the fine makers of Tylenol Cold night time formula...
Maybe Naked Jen has a good tea to get me back to normal. I have to remember to contact her in the morning, when I'm not in a rambling stupor.

Still in need of smiles

Today's:



I had a team meeting today where I cried at least 4 times. I have been second guessing all of my decisions as a supervisor, trying to determine what I could have done differently to protect my team. The team doesn't blame me, but I have a very high standard for myself, and I am very sad about all of this.

I am also looking for a job, but have had a difficult time motivating myself to move on. I'm still grieving.

I will miss my team. They are all very good at what they do, and dedicated to making all of our lives easier. Everyone shares knowledge and information, and we take credit as a group. I give each person kudos for their individual accomplishments, not just to the team, but to leadership.

I guess I'm just sick of corporate politics.

I need something to make me smile

I found this:

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out Once More by Natalie Portman

It did make me smile, which is difficult today. Yesterday, I found out that I and 5 of the 9 members of my team are potentially unemployed as of 4/2/09. I fell horribly for all of us. I have been wondering what I did wrong as a supervisor. Did I not get my team enough visibility? Did I not show the value of what we do? They (the ubiquitous "they" of corporate America) do not see the point in keeping the team, or perhaps even the functions we perform. Yesterday was full of tearful conference calls, and many offers of sympathy. However, the company isn't concerned too deeply, and I have to wonder how the hell some of these folks sleep at night knowing that 2 weeks before Christmas, in this economy, they have likely placed people in harm's way.

I am sick to my stomach thinking of the people who will be out of work, and I am trying to be as positive as possible. I know negative thinking will only provide negative results, but honestly this is difficult.

Today I am updating my resume, and looking for jobs for myself and my employees. I will quote what I noted during the meetings yesterday because I honestly think the people running this circus have NO CLUE what they are doing, and how it affects not only the people working around them, but how it affects their customer base.

Directly from my notes:

blah blah blah

Restructure

blah blah blah

Strategic Sourcing

blah blah blah

Financial Commitment

blah blah blah

175 people will be affected

45% will be offered other positions

From the next meeting where I asked a question I already knew the answer to, in order to determine if anyone in leadership had the balls to tell the truth (which they did not):

blah blah blah

Cycle of Change

blah blah blah

We understand

blah blah blah

There was one nugget of information that did prove to be useful, yet painful. The decision on who were chosen to stay was based on how the supervisors rated and ranked them. Later in the day, during a tearful call, I apologized to my team and told them this fact. Everyone knew where they ranked when that was done, ad that made sense to them all, yet none were happy, including me.

I thought we were in the clear

Today was supposed to be the first day back to school after the holiday for both boys. Only one made it to school. The youngest has a bit more flu left in the lower intestines, and had an accident in his undies right before school. He's home, back in jammies, and his undies are in the trash. You get to a point (way after diapers) when it just isn't worth it to try and wash underwear full of something resembling all meat chili, that makes you gag from the smell. Sorry about the graphic nature of that description, but it was REALLY gross.

This weekend passed kind of uneventfully. No calls from sis, I spent 5 hours on Friday cleaning the house and purging old toys. Unfortunately, when the boys returned from seeing Bolt, they started crying that I was throwing out all their toys. I agreed to give them veto power, but they've already forgotten about the bins on the porch. They forgot because the youngest finally lost his first tooth.

Saturday morning, we hauled out the Christmas decorations, and put on Holiday music. We had fun getting it all up and looking good. I felt better about how clean and festive it all looks, and my mom gave me crap about no Nativity again this year. My only complaint is that we have a fake tree - this is year 2. While I enjoy not killing another tree, and the ease of care, I miss the smell. I don't want that fake tree in a can smell either. Last year, it never did feel like Christmas without the smell, so I may have to buy some random boughs of pine and figure out where to put them. (no pun intended)

To quell my bah humbugness, I bought the boys Santa hats, and some extra strings of lights for their room, and maybe the kitchen or office. The only festive parts of my house are the common rooms, although I took an idea of Cheryl's and made Santa hats for all the pictures in the house. There are lots of people in my pics, so I'm still working on it, but here's an idea of what I'm going for:I know, Santa hats on SCUBA divers is weird, but it looked worse when I had a hat on the shark too.

I missed most of the AMAs last night. Everyone is either in the middle of or recovering from the flu, and we are all pretty wiped out. I'm particularly sorry I missed this duet, as I've been listening to Sarah for a couple of weeks now. I am however glad I finished all of my grocery shopping, as I'm down for the count today. Just got up to cancel meetings, and now on the way back to bed.

Not Just Tired

Originally posted 7/21/08

Today I am tired, the bone weary tired you get after doing too much for too long with too little. I only wish it were the hung over after a week of parties tired, but it isn't. I have been running around, doing everything for everyone and not paying enough attention to myself. I am wife, mother, nurse, psychologist, marriage counselor, advice columnist, driver, financier, accountant, maid, laundress, and cook. I do bring home the bacon, and I do fry it up in a pan, and now I'm near the end of my own rope. The dream of having it all has gone down the tubes, replaced by the nightmare of having to do it all, with still little to show for it. Buried under a crippling mortgage, in a stale economy, and having to still organize play dates is going to be my unraveling. Really. I'm certain of it. I need a break. I won't get a break. It's the carrot in front of the horse trick. If I can only get past this one hurdle, than I'm home free. It's sysiphus and madness. I don't have time to worry about myself, and I know it will make my physically ill if I don't take care. I can't sleep. I have to be at the point of collapse to even get there, and once there my dreams are not peaceful. I wake up more exausted than I started and have to do even more. My job doesn't help with the never in reach bar being held higher and higher, and the glass ceiling getting lower every day. I know things will get better, eventually but I need eventually to be sooner rather than later. I do not snap at my kids (thankfully) and they are able to make me laugh and smile when nothing else can. I'm a mess. My house is a mess, and I can only try to keep the chaos down to a dull roar.I'm not just tired, I'm sick and tired.