Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm here, but not feeling it

It was a very tough week for me emotionally. I've been feeling left out and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'm really getting tired of being the peacemaker and go between. I'm also tired of being completely and nearly solely responsible for many of the things in my life. I had a mental breakdown on Wednesday, which is not nearly as fun as a Foggy Mountain Breakdown... It had me bawling, and not the sad, movie type crying, but the let it all hang out sobbing, or as Oprah calls it - The Ugly Cry. By Thursday I felt a bit better, but still held under the weight of it all being just too much. Thursday night, I went out with some friends to Shecky's, drank too much between the pre-event, event itself and post-event, and had a killer hangover on Friday which didn't clear until almost 10:30. I really have to remember that I don't drink much or often, and I am decades past two week, Buffett inspired benders. Almost had another crying jag at the pre-event happy hour when a friend said that she and another friend needed to just come over and drag me out of the house because she was feeling like I needed more breaks than I get. She's right, and she was also right in knowing that I would not just up and pop over to one of their houses for a break. Re-realized that as neurotic and over thinking as I am, and as crappy of a self-image I have had in the past, that I am much more secure than many of the other people I know. I guess it comes from years of event driven therapy ;-) Had a weird dream Friday morning, not weird in a weird, creepy or scary sense, but weird in the I've never had that type of dream before. And no it wasn't a sex dream - I've had plenty of those! I woke up and wrote in my journal about the emotional support I am not receiving in RL, and how that likely translated into why I had the dream I had. I have too many people I know IRL reading this blog to actually post what the dream was about, which bothers me on a whole other level. I wanted to make this a record of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still finding myself editing what is here in consideration of how much shit I will get because of who I am, and because I'm honest about what is going on. SIGH. I'm getting to the tipping point on giving a rat's ass about what the hell ANYONE thinks about me, my family or my life.

Missed out on a couple of Photo Challenges, and actually did a shoot for money earlier in the week. Also almost complete with the edits to the wedding book I've been working on. It involved photo shop and adding a few pages, finding lyrics and ensuring page layouts were good. Almost ready to go to print! What I did shoot last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

And because it actually cheered me up:

9 comments:

Audrey said...

J9, I wish that I knew what to say. I would like to tell you that I encourage you to be open and honest regardless of who reads your blog, but I know that I don't follow that advice, so it would be wrong to ask you to. What I do know is that what you are feeling is very painful, and I am glad that you are able to cry "the ugly cry" - it helps to release some of the pain. I also know that you are extremely talented - take/make time for yourself to do more of what you love. Your photos are incredible - I love the butterfly, the dragonfly and the splash. Your scenery pic of the rolling green landscape reminded me of Hondurus - so beautiful!
Hugs to you J9! Now, let's you and I go and drive Gordon crazy with our Whatzit guesses!
xoxoxo

Gordon said...

J9, it has been a tough week for both of us. Yours was probably much more emotional than mine. One thing that I do know about you, for sure, is that if you are down you have good reason for it.
Look to a better tomorrow. You will bounce back stronger than ever.

Gordon said...
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Gordon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gordon said...

J9, the whatzit is not salty,
Therefore your guess is very faulty.

Chef E said...

I love what you do over here, and can honestly say I have been through many things in my life I would not wish on anyone, so you will be in my thoughts!

Butler and Bagman said...

This too shall pass.
I'm not sure that helps...or that trying to help is even appropriate. Sometimes when my wife is down and I try to come up with sage advice, she reminds me that I don't need to solve anything...just listen.

Sarah Lulu said...

Breathe ..do simple things like the dishes ...

Try to imagine that a solution has arrived ...

and remember everything changes eventually.

hugs, light and love,

Sarah Lulu

Town Blogger Team said...

J9, I don't like it when you are quiet. Are you O.K.?