Happy Birthday Pumpkin Pie!

 Today marks the 10th Birthday of The Youngest. This kid has weathered alot over the last year, and it has taken a toll on his happiness. He is still my natural born diplomat, and can still make me laugh with a look or just a word. I am constantly surprised by his intellect and thoughtfulness. He is a rough and tumble boy of boys, an everyboy. Underneath that rough exterior and often thorny attitude is the heart of a little boy, yearning to be understood and loved.

I do love him, with all of my heart and soul. He knows it too. I can only hope to make the next ten years as enjoyable and full as the first tn have been.

Interesting what a bit of attention can garner

So last week was the ceremony for my city's Citizen of the Year award, for which I was nominated. I'll wait to tell you if I won, but I wanted first to tell you of the guest list, and give you some idea of what I was walking into - the stress level anyway.

Seated to my left was one of my children (of course). To the left of him were my parents (by design, you'll see why) then  my sister and her boyfriend. To my right was up for grabs between my best friend, my first boyfriend, and the person who spearheaded the campaign to nominate me. My best friend won and my other child was to her right. My first boyfriend had his current boyfriend with him, but they were sitting toward the back due to stomach issues. Rounding out the cast was supposed to be my ex mother-in-law, but she had her mother's health issues to handle. My nominator sat at a different table, with other people who came to support me. All of the people at my table were mostly by my invitation, two invited themselves. My mother does not like two of the people at the table, not including me. My first boyfriend is terrified of my parents 35 years later.

I haven't had sex with anyone I invited, though I would with two of them. Easily. There is a possibility that could happen with one of them. Some of the people at the table know I am Bi, some do not.
The Citizen of the Year is given to recognize volunteerism benefiting our community. There are three awards in total, Citizen of the Year, Young Citizen of the Year and Organization of the Year. There were 5 volunteers up for the same award as I. My fears going into the evening were me outing myself in a grand setting, and people outing me. Also, having at least one person at the table with no internal filter, a loud voice, and low tolerance for diversity in a diverse crowd... Well, you get the point.

So the evening went as follows:
The boys and I arrived at the same time as BFF. My parents were there and had a table saved. My parents were welcoming to everyone, and my sister looked stressed out. I walked around and read all of the nominations, noticing that one nominee had four separate nominations. This same person is the former mayor of my city, so I knew I had little to no shot at this award and decided to enjoy the food and champagne. I received roses and a bottle of Jameson's as congratulations from my friends, and two certificates and a mini key to the city. It was a fun evening, and I feel very fortunate to be is the company of such remarkable people.
My parents told me they were proud of me, and everyone was surprised by how much I actually do. I was touched by the nomination, and felt it to be a very special recognition. I talked to a bunch of people I already know, and many I don't, and I honestly had fun.
Oh, here is a pic of the nomination - they blew these up on large boards around the room:

Yeah, I am possibly never wearing that shirt again - it is literally the only read piece of clothing I own, and this was taken on Lunar New Year, in front of the dragon on red.

Happy VD Bitches

So today is St. Valentine's Day. I don't have anyone romantically in my life, so this seemed appropriate.

Laissez les bons temps rouler

This weekend marked Mardi Gras celebrations across the globe, but more importantly, within driving distance to me. I spent the weekend in Nevada City just relaxing and visiting with people I hadn't seen since last year. The ex was disappointed that it seems I got this particular (and the only shared) party in the divorce. He called twice and asked how the party and parade were before he got to the reason he was supposedly calling.

I did not hook up with anyone, and going into the weekend I thought that a distinct possibility. I miss kissing. Really miss it, almost more than sex. At least that was my thinking before the weekend. However, I have now come to the conclusion that the simple and final act of the day of saying good night, and having it said back, right before falling asleep, is what I was missing.

Was up until 3am talking to a dear sweet friend, who's friendship I have truly missed, and those were our final words of the night/morning. she took good care of me emotionally, which is exactly what I needed. This year I am more at peace, and happier than the past few years. I still hit bumps in the road, but I just shrug them off.

No naked people this year - I think it is too cold and we are all past that point in life. We were much more into eating the mini muffeletta appetizers and drinking some seriously strong margaritas.

I love this party and my dear friends.

A bit of stuff floating around in my brain

The above photo is of The Boys, on the first day of flag football this fall. Aren't they awesome?! Then again, I am rather partial.

I continue to navigate the waters of single parent hood, dealing with my emotional issues, while not passing my neurosis onto The Boys. They continue to amaze and enrage me by turns natural to their growing up.

I have been really struggling as of late with a serious lack of sex. Yep, I typed it, and you read it. I need sex. 2 years is too long. WAY too long. If I could only be a detached person, I'm sure I could find some, but I grow emotionally attached to a person when I have sex with them. Bummer for fuck buddy interviews... I really do want a person I can share my life with, but that person is so not going to just walk into my home, where I am mostly, or fall out of the sky. I don't have time to date. I don't even think I am ready to do that anyway. I could go to LA for a booty call on an old ex, but that would be weird and unfair to us both. I could go back to being an appetizer for that married friend, but that made me feel not worthy of undivided attention (as did my marriage). So, what to do? any ideas? yeah, I'm not going to find this person by sitting at home, but I am also not willing to set out on the prowl. I have someone in mind who is so far from available it isn't even funny. Pining away for that person is safe (as was dating gay men for a while), as is fantasizing about a life including them. But I'm not sure if I am ready for not safe. I don't know that I can trust my love and my heart and my health (emotional as well as physical) to anyone. God, sometimes I miss being in my 20's when I could just sleep with whomever struck my fancy, and there was plenty to pick from. I have much more to consider now, or perhaps I should have made these same considerations back then... With age, wisdom and all that.

There are things I want to do, and things I am able to do. I am doing one of the items on both lists. I started working out. I even went for a jog (GASP). I haven't voluntarily run anywhere in over 3 decades. But I started slow, and I continue to work toward a healthier version of the sarcastic and adorable me. I continue to flirt with the one person with whom it is safe. I am meeting new and interesting people when I can, and trying to remain positive about myself and where I am headed. I added to my obsessive television watching this summer and am catching up with old friends.

Oh, I haven't written about it, but I got a new tattoo while visiting my dear friend D in Michigan. I may write about the trip a bit later, but it was a blast. I want her to be well and stay that way so that I can return next year. I don't know if that will be the case, considering. She is a bright and shinning light in my life, as in the lives of many, and I want to see her shine ever brighter.

You know, sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.

Register to vote - do it!

July has come and gone

And what have I done this month? I've turned 45, managed to climb out of a 6 week depression with the help of a dear friend and a great therapist. I realized that there are many things I cannot control or change, gained insight into those around me, and took a TON of photos of The Boys' swim team. Oh, I also found a young buck near my house and managed to get a couple of decent shots, a Coopers Hawk, a flock of Turkey, and a cute fuzzy kitten. The non-deer shots were taken on a photo hunt to get the buck, which included hopping 8 fences, and being called a rebel by The Youngest.


Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

What does August hold for me? More soul searching I'm sure, additional boundaries being set, visiting an old friend, and getting ready for the school year. Also I'm sure, additional yearning for adult company, though likely no movement on that front... I'll probably also read some fiction in an attempt to escape reality and continue to weather the pangs of The Boys' difficulties. Swim will end, Football will begin and clothes shopping will happen. My schedule really is dictated by those around me, and I will attempt to reclaim at least a bit of that. I will continue to photograph, and may even work more on exercising my physical being.