The Aftermath

Christmas is over, toys are played with, food is eaten, and I am still here. The Dude is still here. I am growing more and more angry with him, and he is being more and more of an ass to me and the kids. The hyper criticality and general anger aimed at us all is just pissing me off. Today, I took The Boys shopping with their Christmas money after The Dude reminded me at least 4 times that I should do so... THEN he had the audacity to complain that The Boys actually spent their money... The Oldest had a friend over, and The Dude, on one of his rants was being an ass, and swearing when this kid was here, further embarrassing The Oldest, and making him feel like shit. I stepped in and told The Dude to take a time out, and then he started arguing with me WHY he was justified in being such an ass. And what was it about? Recyclables... The Oldest placed items on the counter for recycling, when The Dude had asked him to put them in the trash. The Dude asked why The Oldest didn't just take them out to recycling right then. So The Oldest at that moment took the recycling out, and I joined him, taking all of the fucking DIET PEPSI empty cases out, which THE DUDE hadn't taken out in god knows how long. The hypocracy may make me shoot someone eventually.
The great and noble Dude who rides in on his white horse when women are being taken advantage of, does the same to his wife... Fuck me.

I'm Really Trying

To get into the holiday spirit of giving and feeling blessed, and gratuity, and loving my fellow people and all. But honestly? I'm so not feeling it this year with all of the tension in the air and the yelling and fighting and bickering. I really, REALLY want to feel good about everything, I WANT to find the happy place this season. I WANT to capture the magic of humanity, but the crass consumerism and days on end in the same general area with a person I am growing to resent more and more is making it difficult for me. I need to focus on what I have in my life, not on what I lack. I need to move forward, and feel stuck. It seems like I get to that place of happy - listening to Christmas music, and reading good wishes. And then, as if to remind me of how exactly shitty my life is, something happens. I need a new battery for my car, I need new tires for my car, The Dude says he wants to take The Boys to Arizona for a long weekend and Spring Training that neither kid actually wants to go to, or I get a check for a deposit refund, and it's made out to The Dude. I will never see that money again, even though I made the original deposit.

Still trying



This video generally makes me very happy, but not today...

Same Bullshit, different day

So what has been going on in my life lately?

Let's see. A week ago, my therapist gave me a gentle nudge in the direction I needed to go, but had been denying for a number of years. It caused me to look at my whole life and what I was really doing vs. what I was really wanting. Thursday night, The Dude spent the night elsewhere and I had a dear old friend come over to cheer me up.
Friday, the principal of The Boys' school gave me the same nudge. After school, I was visiting with friends when one of them asked a blunt (but absolutley deserved) question which sent me into tears, and out of the classroom. I was slowly joined by the rest of them, who surrounded me with friendship and love and support. This made me cry even more - to know one is loved is one thing, but when those who love you are willing to hold your hand through extremely difficult times, then you really know what it means.
Saturday I woke up with chest pain. I had had this pain for a few days, but was ignoring it, but Saturday it was way worse. I was in the middle of Christmas shopping and it nearly doubled me over and could no longer be ignored. I drove myself to Emergency and texted my sister who met me there. I spent the afternoon lying in a hospital bed, being a pin cushion and hooked to monitors and crying, just crying. I was now in physical pain from the emotional and psychological pain overflow. I literally could not take it anymore. My body was telling me to stop. I went home and slept for a few hours. When I awoke, I told The Dude he needs to move out of the house. He was unclear on what that meant, and we had to talk about exactly what that means. To him, it means still being here, in the house, still eating here, showering here, sitting here on his computer, me buying gas for his truck, and maybe couch surfing at night. To me, it means he gets a job and a place to live.

Since Saturday, The Dude has been at the house pretty much 24/7, which is makiing me climb the walls. I have gone out a couple of times because I cannot sit here with him. The issue is that it is making me miss The Boys and time with them. I am now uncomfortable in my own home. Great.

Ok-ness

I'm not ok. Not now, maybe not for a long while. Intrinsically I know I will be ok at some point, but I am having a difficult time seeing my way through my current situation to a point of just being ok. Not even a place of happiness, just ok-ness. I am just so sad. So stuck. So angry. Crying is helping and not all at the same time. Sometimes I am just so tired of being strong. Sometimes I just need arms to hold me and a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I need someone on my side, telling me it will be ok, even if it isn't, and boosting me up. I don't get that from anyone right now, and maybe that is really the deal. That we each have to have a level of that within ourselves. Maybe I need to be able to refill my own strength reserve. Maybe I shouldn't need another person or people to do that for me, to validate me in that way. I am the nurturer, the rock, the sounding board. I am the advisor for many people in many ways. I need nurturing too. Maybe it is too much to expect that from just one person, or from a select group of people. Is it time to weed my friend garden again? To rid it of the weeds who threaten to choke out the healthy relationships. Do I have any weeds? And more importantly, do I have any healthy relationships to nurture?

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

The closer we get to the holidays, the more untethered I am feeling. Another insanely busy weekend, followed by this last week of school for The Boys and then all three of us have two weeks off.
Friday - a field trip to see Fractured Fairy Tales, performed by the Middle School where the oldest will join Drama next year. Six takes on various fairy tales. The boys' favorite was Peter Pancake and Captain Spork. My favorite was Ditzy Locks and the Three Bears. That was followed by my teaching art, where the 4th and 5th graders were finishing the ceramic sculptures. The Youngest missed out on building gingerbread houses because the people around him were so loud that he missed the last call for that project. He was in tears over missing out, which necessitated a trip to the store so that he could build on this weekend with his father and brother. Because of the missing time at school, I worked fairly late getting some work and some school work done. The dude bought The Boys a movie, though not sure how since he borrowed gas money earlier in the week... He let them stay up way past bedtime, and not surprising, they were all upset by the time they did go to bed. Everyone was melting down and angry, which is no way to end the day. I talked to The Boys and they seemed to sleep ok.

Saturday - The dude bought breakfast for The Boys and I had to reschedule my afternoon photo shoot due to a fever. Spent the morning doing laundry and getting The Oldest to practice his piano and drums. He did manage about 45 minutes each instrument, but still has work to do on the piano piece he is on. The youngest built 2 of the five mini gingerbread houses with his father. After practicing, The Oldest built his two gingerbread houses with his father. Am looking at buying new tires for my car with the photo shoot money from this weekend, and found out new tires are insanely expensive for my vehicle. The dude also bought lunch for The Boys. I think next time I will just put the gas in his truck. The dude went to a Christmas party, and not due back before 4pm Sunday, and I am photographed a corporate Christmas party, so The Boys are spent the night at my folk's house. They went looking at Christmas decorations, and watched "Elf".

Sunday - the Boys were bribed into attending church with my folks, then they got to go to breakfast. I tidied the house and bathed the dogs, and did even more laundry. Shot a holiday card for about an hour and made my holiday fudge. The Boys practiced instruments and played the rest of the day. The Dude had promised to be back by around 5, but still wasn't home when The Boys called him at 6:30, and he said he was going to have a crab dinner, then come home. He called at 8:22 to say he wasn't going to leave where he was for at least another 30 minutes, and tell The Boys good night.

Feeling this today:

Thoughtful Thursday

Hug and love those around you while you can.

Today I am asking for support, light, love, prayers, and good vibes for all of those people who are lonely this season. In the darkest days of the year (in the Northern Hemisphere), where every time you turn around you are reminded of families and togetherness and giving and love, there are people among us who are painfully aware of their own mortality, and their own aloness. Give everyone you see a warm welcome - these are our human family, and we all need more interaction and love.

I love you and want you to be happy.

Wicked Wednesday #8

Continuing with these posts.Wicked Wednesdays all began with this post. I'll regale you with another night of drinking that went horribly, horribly wrong. If you are under the age of consent for wherever you live in the universe, take these as cautionary tales. If you are like me and have had your share of poor judgement moments, then we can laugh together. Yes that is a picture of me with a lampshade on my head, doing the shimmy. I will not be posting the names of my cohorts in these wanton ways, but for clarification, will identify them by an initial of their names.
For those who know me IRL, you may know I have been involved in a non-profit service organization for nearly 20 years. It also happens to be a fan club of a tropical rock singer (perhaps the first to be considered as such). These fan clubs are primarily a way for people who like the music to connect and we do service projects too. But mostly we drink heavily. We drink after each service project, sometimes during those projects, and we have Happy Hours monthly. Annually, there is a gathering of all of the associated fan clubs, and there is alot of good work, and a whole hell of alot of drinking, and music, and nakedness. I'm almost positive there has been a couple of pregnancies, and likely several STDs exchanged. There is outdoor, in public sex, bead throwing, puking, passing out, and all that goes along with middle aged people cutting loose, who are normally buttoned up.
During one of these annual conventions, I was travelling alone, and drinking with my friends, and found myself, tits out for beads in a bar where there is a web cam... At the point in time I realized that, I was ushered from said bar by a friend, poured into a car and taken back to my place. Following that trip, we instituted a tag system of "If found unconscious, please return to_______" that all members were to wear at all times. It is not uncommon to start a day with Bloody Marys, continue with alcohol smoothies for lunch and on to dinner and additional drinks. The year this occurred was the culmination of 2 weeks spent not sober, with local concert of same musician, Vegas concert of same, and the convention. I have somewhat hazy memories of the whole thing, and was told of the bead gathering at a later date (after we all dried out).

Tableau Tuesday 12/6/2011

Feeling like I need more courage and clarity in my live, strength to do the difficult but correct thing. May the Universe find me worthy of its love and energy.

Some things I've been up to this last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday all!

Music Monday Weekend wrap up

This was a VERY busy weekend - but then again, when is it not a busy weekend? That would be never.
Before the weekend even started, I'd driven on a field trip and grocery shopped on Wednesday, had lunch with a dear friend, took the school staff holiday photo, went to therapy and yoga, and made cake pops on Thursday.

Friday was The Oldest's 11th Birthday, and in true fashion asked for a Happy Hour Play Date as a party. Earlier that day, I worked in the classroom and led Destination Imagination Instant Challenges after school. So we had 5 of his friends over, a couple of their siblings, and all of their moms. The kids played and ran around and had fun, and the moms sat around, visited and drank. The party started at 4:00, and ended past 10:00. I had too much to drink and slept like the dead...

Saturday- we had to be at a Destination Imagination Instant Challenge Day at 8:45, and I felt pretty rough around the edges. We came home and had lunch, and I had a hair appointment that I thought would be from 2:30 - 3:30, but instead ended up being from 3:00 - 4:30. I had a couple of friends pick up The Boys and meet me at the salon and we all went to the nearby Christmas Parade. We then rode around looking at light displays, and discovered many were not yet up.We were out until about 8:30 and The Boys were obnoxious and fighting the entire time.

Sunday morning The Boys had a bowling birthday party to attend, and I did some Christmas shopping during that time, and stocked up on supplies to make my traditional Christmas gifts - Irish Cream, Hot Cocoa mix and fudge. I also did all of the laundry and figured out WHY the breaker to the house was tripping. I made dinner and cleaned up afterward.

And now for some NSFW Christmas tunes:


Happy Monday all - and here's to a slower paced week - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wicked Wednesday #7

After a long reprieve I am returning to regular posting and so another story from this time in my life.
Wicked Wednesdays all began with this post. I'll regale you with another night of drinking that went horribly, horribly wrong. If you are under the age of consent for wherever you live in the universe, take these as cautionary tales. If you are like me and have had your share of poor judgement moments, then we can laugh together. Yes that is a picture of me with a lampshade on my head, doing the shimmy. I will not be posting the names of my cohorts in these wanton ways, but for clarification, will identify them by an initial of their names.

During my first year of college (where the above photo was taken), my two roommates and I were called the Triplets, and we could not be more different from one another - from the short blond with a mean swagger, to the tall read headed Catholic school girl, and the freckly brunette in the middle, we were quite the sight! We did drink heavily all year, from the liquor store that delivered to the dorms... One party in particular is hazily present in my mind. I believe it was Halloween, and we went as 3 blind mice.

Look at the hair and skinny ties - it was the 80's...
One of the colleges had a party - the theater arts college - and there was alot of acid, and Billy Rainbow, and mattresses lining the stairwells, and plastic sheeting, and bubbles, and I drank WAY too much Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers, on top of a rib dinner. I got to the party, after drinking and eating and riding the shuttle, and promptly threw up in the bushes. I laid down nearby and sent the rest of the Triplets on to the party. I passed out, was kicked a couple of times, and threw up a bunch more. When my roomies came back for me, we decided to walk to the base of campus - in the dark, with no street lights, about 5 miles. We had heard of a party off campus that we decided to go to. We never made it. We walked about halfway there, and were egged by a car full of high school students. Drunk, stumbling, and covered in raw egg, we started back to campus. It was late, and thankfully were able to catch the final shuttle to the dorms.

Tableau Tuesday 11/29/2011

Some of the things I saw this last week:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

My day got better

After watching this:

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

A flurry of activity this weekend. I took last week off of work, so it seemed like I crammed all of the activity into this weekend.
Friday - spent the early part of the day putting up most of the interior Christmas decorations, with the help of The Boys. The Dude went SCUBA diving, or to lend boat support, or something. Had Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house with Sis, Nephews, Aunt, Sis' friend, my folks and The Boys. The dinner was nice, and I was under the usual amount of scrutiny, and adeptly avoided many topics.

Saturday - The Oldest and I set up the lawn holiday inflatables, and I fixed a fan on one of them, and we had to get rid of another that was irreparable. The Boys and I ran some errands. I finished laundry. The Dude arrived back around 5pm and we all ate dinner together. The Dude announced he had invited a friend over to watch the game on Sunday, and he'd be home all day if I had plans. I generally do not make plans not knowing his availability in order to avoid having to cancel plans when he is unavailable. I asked a friend to hang out, but my texts went unanswered.

Sunday - The Dude announced he was going to a different house about 30 minutes away to watch the game. I got dressed and out of the house with no discernible plan in place. I did take my camera though. Before I left, The boys and I rearranged the furniture to fit the Christmas tree, which The Dude put together before leaving. The youngest also asked The Dude not to drink today because he doesn't like driving home when The Dude has had beer. I know The Youngest doesn't like riding with The Dude driving at any other time either, because of the rollover accident 3+ years ago. Don't blame the kid for being nervous with his father at the wheel. I ended up just driving and found myself in Santa Cruz. I was not in a good place emotionally, but was able to just quietly be and soak up the smells, the air, the sun. I spent a very quiet day thinking about loneliness and solitude, and realized I depend on certain people perhaps too much, and find myself depressed when those same people do not have time for me. That made me even more sad.

This was going through my head:



Safe and Sane Cyber Monday all!

Difficult Tasks

There are days that are just difficult to get through. Yesterday was one of those days. It started with good intentions to complete a photo book of a 50th anniversary party I shot earlier in the year. May I recommend not doing this while also trying to wade through the emotional quicksand of a deteriorating marriage. Putting the photos together was fine. The problem and emotions came up while searching for quotes on long lasting love. What I found was a treasure trove of quotes on WHY people should stay together, and how marriages have good and bad, and how the longest ones are with people who overlook the problems. It was stuff I already know, but to have an overwhelming amount of information, and still realize that no matter how many times I chose to stay, he did not. It had me crying into my keyboard and turned a couple of hours into half a day.
He made a different choice, for his own reasons, and I cannot change that. I had second thoughts about sticking to my guns, and then took a long hot shower. I did some soul searching and came back to the point that I cannot stay in a relationship that has left me feeling so sad and angry and bad. If I were to stay, I would have to let a piece of me die, and that would lead to more of me being sacrificed every time he chose to stray. And then what? What is left at that point? Who am I and what do I become? Is there anything left to emotionally support my boys? My family? My friends?

Tableau Tuesday 11/22/2011

Apart from the intense and demanding work schedule, this is some of the other stuff I've been up to these last 6 weeks:

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.
Happy Turkey Week everyone!

Music Monday - Written on Thursday

Grueling Work Schedule has me hunkered down. However, this came across last Thursday and I HAVE to share it. 80's style music, super models, and eye candy for days:

Please enjoy!

Grateful

Thank-you veterans

When it rains, it pours

My life is so busy right now that I absolutely have not had a moment to spare to write in my paper journal, let alone here. I am on a CMMi Appraisal at work, requiring 6A-4P on the phone and computer with my lunch break occurring at 9:30A. Today there was an interview at 8A, requiring me to send The Boys to school on their own, which made me mildly nervous. This insane work schedule started last week, and I took 2 days vacation to travel with The Oldest and 17 other 4th and 5th graders and 8 other adults. We had a crazy busy schedule fro two days that looked like this:
Thursday:
7:30A - Leave School
10:00A - Pitch tents at campground
11:00A - Tour State Park museum with Ranger
Bag lunch at cemetery
1:00P - School house presentation with docent
2:00P - Drive to Caverns
3:15P - Tour caves
5:00P - Return to camp for dinner
Story
9:00P - Bed

Friday:
7:30A - Breakfast
Break camp
9:00A - Explore Old Town merchants
10:30A - Pan for Gold
Stage Coach ride
1:00P Railway Museum
3:00P - Leave for school
5:00P - Return to school

What REALLY happened:
Thursday:
7:15-7:30A - Run around like crazy trying to figure out if we have all of the people and stuff we need.
7:30A - pile 4 kids and 2 adults and as much stuff as possible into my car and leave the school.
9:30A - First to arrive at campground and check in
10:00A - Pitch tents at campground while trying to get kids to help and set up their own stuff.
11:00A - Tour State Park museum with Ranger - This was REALLY cool.
Bag lunch after recovering from a hike to the school house, then a walk through the cemetery.
1:00P - School house presentation with docent - Also REALLY cool.
2:00P - Drive to Caverns
3:15P - Tour caves (165 ft below ground - gotten to via spiral staircase, also the only way back out...)
4:00P - Realize how very little aerobic activity there is in my life
4:30P - pull over the car and kick The Oldest to the side of the road for throwing an Altoids tin at the front windshield while we were travelling at 55 MPH
4:40P - Let The Oldest back into the car after calming down.
5:00P - Return to camp and snack on dried fruit and saltines. Dinner was shredded pork, baked beans (with pork), corn bread and butter, which the kids made while dinner was being prepared. I didn't eat the non vegetarian options.
Story - I read this to the kids by campfire light.
8:00-10:00P - Trying to get the kids to go to sleep, listening to giggling and talking and yelling

Friday:
6:00A - Kids start waking up
6:30A - one dad yells at awake kids, "Hey Jackasses, if any of you wake my kid, you will answer to me" - this was WAY louder than any of the kids who were awake, and was likely the reason his kid looked sleepy all day.
7:30A - Breakfast
Break camp - really more trying to get the kids and all the stuff crammed back into the cars.
9:00A - Explore Old Town merchants - this included a bowling alley and apothecary, blacksmith too.
10:30A - Pan for Gold - The kids LOVED this part.
11:40A - Stage Coach ride - They also loved this and chattered away about how awesome it was while we walked to the Mercantile to pick up lunches.
12:30P - walked to Limestone area and kids played while adults chilled.
1:00P - Left for Railway Museum, which was closed.
2:30P - Leave for school
4:30P - Return to school
5:30-9:00P - The Oldest was a t a Birthday party for a friend with many of the kids from the camping trip. Reports from the parents who attended made it sound like a therapy session with laughter one moment and crying the next.

This weekend was also Halloween Fun Night. Because I was gone for the 2 days preceding the event, I was not heavily involved in set up. I kind of missed that level of involvement, but the one person who I would do absolutely anything for (as evidenced HERE) was not in fact involved at all. I really missed doing this event together, but I'll survive...

Saturday was an early Football game, then helping rig some things for Halloween Fun Night, then an afternoon Soccer game. That was followed by attending Halloween Fun Night, and photographing the event. The kids all had a ton of fun!

Sunday brought me back to the school for 6 hours to clean up Halloween Fun Night. The clean up crew was 3 adults, and 5 kids under age 12. It took WAY longer than it could have.

Monday started a grueling work schedule that has me waking up at 4:30A and working on phone and computer from 6A-4P, and mostly unable to get The Boys to and from school. Thankfully I have dear friends willing to watch out for them and make sure they make it to and from school.

Oh, and The Dude was out of town Wednesday last week to Tuesday this week.

I'm wiped out, and the work schedule continues through November 18th.

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

While completely mired in the usual crap, and all of the additional crap Monday through Friday, I usually like to have nice easy relaxing weekends. Then about 4 times a year, I get a wild hair up my ass and decide to do something that will make me sweat, and make my back ache like a mother fucker. This was that weekend.

Friday was ordinary - laundry and grocery shopping. Then The Dude took The Boys to his indoor soccer game. They left at 7pm, and were going to be back around 9:30. He brought them home at midnight. Yes midnight. Despite the fact he said he'd bring them home if he wanted to go out, he thought it would be ok to take them to a restaurant/bar until midnight...

Saturday - The Boys were in crappy moods all day - wonder why. They both had games - The Youngest had soccer and The Oldest had football. Came home and I completed the grocery shopping, and made dinner of fried chicken, corn and peas. I had salad. The Dude took The Boys to buy a video game and beer, which he needed to drop off somewhere for Sunday...The Dude went to fill up his truck and buy shaving cream, leaving at 8:30pm, and returning at 10:30. Seeing a pattern here? I am.

Sunday - The Dude went to the Raider game, leaving at 9AM to tailgate. I decided to clean. I went to the backyard finding this:

Augie stuck in the fort.

Spent the first hour scooping poop, then moved to the shed:

Took a break after 3 hours when I ran out of plastic bins. Took 3 advil and took the kids to buy more bins and to Baskin Robbins for ice cream:

This is the detritus from the shed - many deteriorating cardboard boxes:

Then I moved to the garage:

After cleaning out the garage:

I changed air filters in my car, and moved some of the stuff from the garage to the shed, but by then it was dark (and 10 hours after I started). I took 4 more advil and I still need to organize the new stuff to the shed and load all of the garden tools. That will have to wait until daylight and my back allow. As of 10:30PM, still no sign of The Dude...

What makes me happy - NSFW

Well, for the last week or so these have been in heavy rotation in my brain.

Because you cannot have too many gay anthems in your head at one time:


And this is an earworm for me now, so much so that The Boys have been humming the bass line:

Welcome to Fantasy Island!

Lately I have been going through some personal turmoil. Last week culminated in an emotional meltdown. My stress level was so high that I started to become concerned about my blood pressure. So, I decided that I needed to unplug from the news cycle, and my 2 hours daily of political news. I did not watch any of those shows last week at all, and instead I lived a bit more in my fantasy brain, which hasn't been active in a while. I've immersed myself in harsh reality and practical decisions, but not indulging in the parts of my brain that bring me pleasure, and make my daily grind bearable.

The above image is A fantasy land, but mine has a different landscape - more like the below:

Let my imagination exist in this place, where there are BFFs, and then there are LLBFFs...



Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

This was a good weekend. The Dude was out of town, and The Boys and I kept busy.

Friday, I went to pick up The Boys early, so that I could talk to the 4/5 graders about the field trip shirts for this year. - For those that have no idea, I teach 4/5 grade art in The Boys class. We had an extended play date after school, celebrating a teen birthday with walking fondue. The kids had fun and got along very well. The Youngest went to a friend's house for a few hours, where he discovered the pleasures of French Dip. All of the moms needed an "End of the First Week of School" deprogramming, and so we did ;-)

Saturday brought my first direct conflict of kid schedules. The Oldest had Football practice 10-noon, and the Youngest had to be at his soccer game at 10. The fields they needed to be at are 30 miles apart. I dropped of The Youngest with a teammate, dropped off The Oldest at football, ran to another town to pick up a Treasure Box, home to put away the food, then to watch and photograph the remainder of the soccer game, and pick up at football. I bought lunch for The Boys at the snack bar, they ate in the car and when we got home I did laundry and took down a supply list for The Youngest, who wanted to buy PVC in order to make a marshmallow gun. He had some allowance left and we went to price the pipe, found that he had enough money to cover what he wanted, so we bought all he needed. We also went to the pet store to price fish tanks for The Oldest, but he didn't realize how much that would cost, and he didn't bring enough money, nor did he know if he even had that much. When we got home, I spent a bit of time cutting the PVC and putting together the gun, which The Boys reconfigured a number of times throughout the rest of the weekend.

Sunday I got to sleep in :-D. After breakfast, The Oldest counted his money and found he did have enough money for a fish tank. We headed out in the afternoon to Dharma Trading Company for fabric dyes and clothing blanks (for field trip shirts) and yarn and needles (for my next knitting project). It is a 2+ hour round trip from the house, but worth the trip! We stopped at the pet store on the way home, and The Oldest picked up a tank, and all of those needed accessories, a Beta fish, and a couple of tank decorations. The Oldest made dinner of Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.

And now for some Music:

Regrets

So I posted one of those silly facebook status things today:
If I have EVER made you smile, click like. Then put this in your status and see how many you get :)
Got a few likes, but I also got this:
I remember you made me sad when I was like 10.. That time you called me a "brat" at my parents house in Fremont.#grude
My response:
I have very few regrets, but that is actually one of them. I have felt horrible ever since that night about how poorly I treated you.

Truth is, he was only 6, he was acting like a spoiled brat, and I said it in their hot tub. I upset him, his parents and embarrassed myself and my parents. I was maybe 12 at the time, and no slouch in the bratty department. And yes, I still feel bad about it over 30 years later...

But this got me thinking about the regrets I do have, and if they actually taught me anything about myself, or those around me.

I regret some of the things I've done, mostly due to my inability to keep my mouth shut.
I regret having verbally assaulted my sister for the majority of our childhood.
I regret having been disrespectful of my parents.
I regret having thought that I was growing up in a family of idiots.
I regret not having given that man a free meal at McDonald's during my first week of work. He needed the food, and I was too chicken to do it. By the time I got up the courage, and just paid for it out of my own pocket, it was too late. He still ate, but I still feel bad for not being as kind initially.

Mostly I regret the things I haven't done.
I regret not having sex with that guy in college. It would have been good, but I probably would regret it to this day, so kind of a lose/lose.
I regret not having the conversations I should have, with the people I loved and lost.
I regret denying who I am for the comfort of others.
I regret not having sex with that gal in college. It would have been good, and would have been better able to navigate my adult life.
I regret not learning everything I could when I was in college. My goal was getting out, not learning. I did learn what I was supposed to, and I got out, but there were many missed opportunities there.
I regret not being my own advocate.

What do you regret?

Tableau Tuesday 8/23/2011

Took these on 8/14, but just now getting through processing them. The boys had a blast, but refused to ride anything...

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Tuesday all!

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up

It's been a while since I've done a weekend wrap up, but it's time.

Friday:
The final day of Swim Practice for this year, followed by picking up my new bifocal sunglasses (Yes, this caused a mild case of nausea and thoughts of getting older), and an afternoon/evening of getting stuff ready for the Championship swim meet (Champs). Car packed, kids to bed early, and we are all ready and pumped to go!

Saturday:
Champs!!!!! Got up at 5:30 in the morning to get to Champs by 6:30. The Dude went at 6:00 to set up the ez-up, and I made lunches and packed food, got the kids ready and headed over. The Boys each swam 2 events, and got their personal best times on all races. The Nephews each swam 4 races, and one was part of the Free Relay team that broke the league record by nearly 4 seconds! See the video here. These same 4 set a new league record the last age group they were all in, and it was a great day. The team came in 4th, which is higher than they've placed in decades! We were there for 12 hours, and it was a great and exhausting day.

Sunday:
The morning was recovery from Champs and laundry. I got a bee in my bonnet and decided to go through all of The Boys' clothes to see what still fits. I do this every August, in preparation for the school year. I got through all of the shirts, and the pants will have to be later this week. Maybe tonight, if I can get The Boys to try on pants... The evening was spent at the Swim Team Awards night. It was way too cold for what I wore, but it was fun to see the whole team, and all of the awards for the kids.

And ALL weekend, the song below was on my brain - I finally downloaded it today. Love, Love LOVE it!!!

More music I'm feeling today

I was introduced to this song via Glee - I know, still...


I had NO IDEA this was an Amy Winehouse song until today... I know, I KNOW... So I found this Amy version:


Now I can't decide which I like better I think it will depend on my mood - blue and soulful, or happy and delighted.

No One Said Life Would Be Easy

Life is frequently anything but easy. Life in fact sucks a whole lot. Life can be good, and it can be sunshine and rainbows, but in reality, it frequently is not. Life is about living, and living takes its toll on you. Life makes you tired, and sad, and angry. Life is also about Love and love will break your heart.



However sad and bitter that all sounds, Life is worthwhile. Love can make you soar with the clouds, can make everything sunny and shiny and new. Love makes you want to tell everyone you know how great life is. Love makes people get along, get together, get it on. Living in this life is happy and sad. It is frustrating and rewarding at the same time. I love my life, in all its messy glory. I am here for a reason. I have a purpose. I live my life. I follow my path. There are lessons to learn and relearn and teach and reteach. There are people to know and people to KNOW. There are people who need to know me and who I am and what I am about.

This past weekend brought philosophical and theological discussions with the generation above mine, and it was all very intense and eye opening. I learned things about my family that they didn't even know they were revealing. It made me think and reflect on my life, on the 7 sins and virtues, and what the purpose of life really is. I came to the decision that to truly live my life, it has to be about Love. I love myself, and my family.

Oh, and this week I've been REALLY missing Freddy Mercury.

My addiction

This is taking over my life. I HAVE to have these - daily. I eat about one box a day, and at my desk I currenly have 3 empty boxes, and 3 more empties in the car, as well as partially eaten tins in my purse, beach bag and computer bag. I am NEVER without these, and have occassionally lost track of how many in a row I've eaten. This leaves me with a runny nose and watery eyes, and my sinuses burning. I need to start buying these in bulk, because I will surely go broke otherwise...

What is this truly addictive substance?

of couse!

Tuesday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

Because this is a holiday weekend here in the U.S., I have to take multiple sessions to post all that went on. As you may have seen, Friday was my 44th birthday. I took the afternoon off of work so that I could drive to Turlock to return my mother-in-law's car. It was 111 degrees in Turlock. That is fucking hot. We had lunch and visited for a couple of hours and stopped at Bass Pro Shops in Manteca on the way home. Yes, that is really the name of the town. Yes I know it means lard. I'm sure the people of Manteca know it too. because we brought the wiener dog on the trip to visit, I waited in the car with the engine and A/C running, while The Dude took The Boys into the shops.That night, The Dude wanted to go to dinner for my birthday, so I found a friend to watch The Boys, and we had a nice dinner at another friend's restaurant where The Dude wanted to talk about "us", and I just wanted to have a nice dinner without being reminded of all of the things that are wrong in our relationship and/or lives. After dinner we visited with the friends who were watching The Boys, and rolled in about midnight.

Saturday was still over 100 here, and I spent the morning helping a friend set up for her son's 1/2 birthday party, and my birthday party as well. It was an afternoon/evening party with Electric Lemonade that went down far too easily and my good friends and all the kids and a magician and ribs and laughter and music and lots of smiles. Just what The Boys and I needed. We were there from 3 to midnight and it made me very happy.

Sunday The Boys were at another birthday party with an inflatable water slide, and I hung out there instead of being in my hotter than Hell home, folding freshly dried laundry. It was too hot to cook, so I asked The Dude to barbecue some chicken, but it was still too hot to eat until after 8. I sat in the backyard after the sun went down to write this and read a little and have some time to myself.

Monday The Dude took The Youngest to a skate park while I listened to The Oldest practice piano. I also went to the store for a few things, and folded all of that laundry. We went to a friend of The Dude's for a barbecue/swim party. We were there for 5 hours during which I must have pissed off The Dude, as he sulked and was tantrumish when we left. We went to one of my friend's to set off fireworks and stayed until 11. That was cool, another friend was there and The Boys had a tiring and busy day with swimming and eating and just being out doors all day and night. The Dude threw a bit of a fit late at night over something stupid, and I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm trying to not let his moods dictate my actions words and moods and that is clearly pissing him off. Oh well.

This is going through my head again lately:

More Videos

I have some serious work to do, and I'm ready to do it. I know the path is going to be difficult and at the end it will be worth it, but it's still kind of suckish that I have to do it in the first place. What lesson did I not learn last time around?

Another Trip Around The Sun

Here it is again - another birthday. Today is a roller coaster of life, and I am still here to enjoy it.

The famous people with whom I share a birthday:

Debbie Harry

Fred Schneider
 

Shirley Hemphill

Charles Laughton

Olivia de Havilland

Twyla Tharp

Diana, Princess of Wales

For myself, and for all of us, a little birthday music:

On Marriage

Firstly, congratulations to citizens of New York state in obtaining the right to marry a member of your same gender. This is another in an increasing list of places that support all of us in our pursuit of happiness. My state of California is not yet there, but we are certainly still working on it. There will be backlash (Michelle Bachman), but we will continue, for we must.

So, I haven't been blogging lately. I have been reading blogs, and maintaining two hand written journals, and intermittently logging my food intake. Not out of the ordinary, and I can use those as excuses for not writing here, but the truth is that I have been wading through emotional mud in my real life. Real life is messy, sometimes extremely so.

You know that shirt you've had for ever? The one that reminds you of how far you've come. The one you don't want to get rid of. It has rips and grease stains and no amount of washing, bleaching or pre-treating is ever going to get it clean. That shirt has decided to leave you. It has decided that it no longer wants to work on fitting with you. It has also moved on to another person who overlooks the stains, and holes, and finds it charming and helpful. The decades you have stayed with that shirt, good bad and ugly decades. Decades of picking up that shirt and wearing it, even when you didn't particularly feel like it. The time a few years ago when the shirt was spending time in another drawer, with another person, and you found out via e-mail. Through the counselling and the attempt to rebuild trust which created stains, and increased the depth of the holes in both of you. That shirt can no longer be a part of your life without you accepting your place as a perpetual victim, without losing a part of your self respect.

You have decided to stand up for yourself after years of just going along with whatever plan was thrown at you. You are now an ACTIVE participant in your life. You are not passive in this and you are strong. Know that you are strong.

For the fight against hatred and fear, and the path of love and light:

I took none of the photos on here today, though the last is a photo of me and The Oldest from here.

Thoughtful Thursday - Tuesday through Thursday

Because of the nature of this request I need days of your continued love, prayers and good vibes.
Hug and love those around you while you can. Please send love, light, positive vibes, prayers for the people in my life needing it this week:
R & S - Upon returning from a well deserved 2 week vacation, her Dad went into a coma for a week & passed away. Two weeks ago, her 35 year old niece passed away leaving 2 small children. Last Monday, R found S unconscious on the floor in the garage. He was released from the hospital last Friday. Tests have been negative but he has severe headaches from hitting his head. They will follow up with a neurologist & cardiologist. He is retiring from his job at the end of this month. R is having out patient sinus surgery this Wed. (adding to her own ongoing health issues).
As you can tell, this is a much needed set of prayers for their family, that they will find a more calm and peaceful summer.

Love to you all!

Tableau Tuesday 5/31/2011

Took The Boys to the beach this weekend and everyone had a great time!

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Music Monday - Memorial Day

This song has been going through my head all weekend - since the Friday Shoot Out...


This is also Memorial Day in the US, a day when we take the time to remember all of those who have served in our military.

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Happy Monday all!

My Town Shoot Out - Scavenger Hunt - Spin, Drop, Rest

This week's Theme is courtesy of ME!

"Our second FMTSO Scavenger Hunt for May 27, Spin - Drop - Rest, was suggested by J9.
This is a scavenger hunt for images or items, or people or places in your town that represent the actions of Spin, Drop, and Rest. Because there really are no rules, you can pretty much interpret this however you would like. Do you have a drop roller coaster in your town? How about giving a new car a spin? What about rest? We know at least one personality thinking of rest rooms (Bagman), but what do people in your town do to rest? How about rain drops? Whirling Dervishes? Spinning Laundry? Mattress Stores? Let's see what we can all come up with, and have fun!"

Check out the other participants here and here.

So I really only had one image that kind of combined all three elements in one - a good friend spinning and dropping at the same time, and coming to rest a bit later:

Some bodies at rest:

Spinning until you puke:

Spinning and dropping:

A nice place to rest:

Spinning packaging into more packaging:

 Happy Weekend all, and I can't wait to see what everyone came up with!

My Town Shoot Out - Flowers

This week's Theme is courtesy of the My Town Shoot Out gang.

"Our theme for May 20 is Flowers in your town. I feel this will be a cheery and very colorful theme."

"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made, and forgot to put a soul into." ~Henry Beecher, Life Thoughts, 1858
"Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844
"Flowers have an expression of countenance as much as men or animals. Some seem to smile; some have a sad expression; some are pensive and diffident; others again are plain, honest and upright, like the broad-faced sunflower and the hollyhock." ~Henry Ward Beecher, Star Papers: A Discourse of Flowers
"I like what Henry Ward Beecher had to say about flowers. Think about it, do they have expressions? Do they emit a feeling? Challenge for our shooters for this theme .....
show us a flower expression
show us a flower thought
show us a flower feeling
show us a flower attitude
show us a flower mood
show us a flower emotion

and as always HAPPY SHOOTING!!"

Check out the other participants here and here.

These have been on my mind, and in my nose - they look cheery, but I think they harbor an evil underbelly:

The stars of this week are on bushes growing directly across a walking path from one another:

Snow White and Rose Red

 And as you would expect, after several years, the cross pollination takes affect, and you get the blush, amidst the white roses:

 And this hanger on, in the middle of the red roses:

Happy Friday all!

Thoughtful Thursday

Hug and love those around you while you can. Please send love, light, positive vibes, prayers for the people in my life needing it this week:
Diane - had a cancer related surgery, and her Dr. is confident that they got it all. She needs your healing light.
Sarie's Dad - just had major surgery and is in ICU. prayers for him and his family.
Me, yes me - I need clarity and patience this week, as these are particularly chaotic times, and I'm not really sure where the ride is going, but I need to be able to enjoy at least parts of the ride and trust that the end point will be better.

Love to you all!

Teacher Appreciation

image credit

Today, as I sat and waited at my OB/Gyn for my annual exam, gown open to the front, paper blanket draped across my lap, my mind wandered. I am not particularly fond of these exams, and I do like my Dr., but still - cold hard duck lips... I had time to reflect on teachers and the part they have played in shaping my life, and the lives of The Boys, so I want to right now, tell them (via this blog, out to the universe).

My Second Grade teacher Mrs. Friedman taught us how to play chess, we got to make peanut butter, and have a field trip to McDonald's. We had 5th Graders come in and read with us, and I remember thinking how much I loved school. Mrs. Friedman passed away a while ago, but I still remember the nurturing atmosphere of that class.

In Fifth Grade, Ms. Willis was hip, modern, and told us that she was on birth control! She believed in me, and helped me dig out of the math depression I'd been in from 4th grade. We had pods that year, and floated between three classrooms. I remember thinking how cool it was to be the oldest kids in school.

Seventh Grade brought me Mrs. Humphreys and much hubris. I was the star pupil, and brown nose. I was made her assistant and was responsible for teaching spelling and vocabulary to other students. No one listened to me, and I was miserable. Thankfully, they all failed the next test, and I was removed from my post, learning that it takes more than smarts to lead a classroom...

In High School there were many teachers who helped me, but the one that really sticks in my mind was Ms. Bradley. She was my English teacher for only a part of the year when she was diagnosed with cancer. She needed a blood transfusion, my blood type was a match, but I was only 17 and my parents wouldn't sign the release. I visited her at her home, and felt really helpless. She challenged me, and wasn't always my favorite, but that year I learned much more than what was taught in school. I am happy to say that she is still at that school, and the department chair. Other memorable teachers from that time include: Mr. Nix who gave me an award, and made me think of myself in a different light; Mr. Bonetti who was extremely patient with a snotty, know-it-all 14 year old; and Mr. Hansen who was the administrator garnering my wrath at the end of my time with them all.

In College it was Michael Fisher who most inspired and formed my life. He led me to the conclusion that my various interests and strengths culminated in Technical Theater, and in fact I truly belong there. I am however practical and work in corporate.

My own children have been extremely fortunate. From Pre-school with Miss Ruth as a kind and loving director, Miss Candi just loving them to pieces and singing to them, Miss Emily laughing the days going by, Miss Amy teaching them to love Australia, and Miss Michelle not taking their crap, and loving them like they were her own. I could not have asked for a better environment.

In Elementary, The Boys have and will have the same teachers the entire time. Miss Sharon, Mrs. Henriott and Mrs. Todd have such a great balance of love and toughness, and are truly invested in all of the kids doing the absolute best they can. They have set up a program that has it all. From the basics, to Spanish, Chinese, cooking, art, projects and field trips, multi age work groups, and always ensuring each child gets what he or she needs as an individual to succeed. These three women are amazing, and I love them all!

Music Monday Weekend Wrap Up

This is how I feel:


Friday, I took a personal day from work so that I could volunteer at The Boys' school all day. The morning was Kindy readiness, during which I was one of two making presentations about the Parent Faculty Club. The afternoon was spent with 4th and 5th graders, outside sketching nature. After school, I hosted an extended playdate, and The Dude went to a party.

Saturday was laundry and cleaning from the playdate. The Youngest had a Baseball Game, and The Oldest went grocery shopping with me.

Sunday, The Dude took The Boys to a birthday party for a classmate, and I cleaned bathrooms, the backyard, and weeded the garden. I also finished laundry, and planted seeds for beets, carrots, broccoli, onions, zucchini, and sunflowers. These are all now in my kitchen garden window. I did dishes, and prepared dinner of pot roast, baked potatoes, roasted beets and artichokes. The Dude skipped dinner to go to a "Survivor" finale party. Oh, I also was able to FINALLY sit down and process about 300 photos and start a book I've been meaning to put together.

Still untethered and unsettled.

Local death

One of the reasons I have been off blog for a bit. The rest will come out in due time, but this had me sad.

My town's local homeless man was shot dead during an altercation with a female police officer.

I knew this person, and had written about him HERE. That initial photo is now a part of his RIP facebook page, as well as the local news cycle blog HERE. It is always sad when a member of our community is killed, or injured. Unfortunately, and what has made me even more sad is the commentary from otherwise reasonable people on the sides of "all homeless are worthless", and "the cops are crooked". None of that is what this is about. This is about two members of our community who were negatively impacted by an interaction. I'm sure it could have been handled in a better way by both parties so as not to have this result, and I actually miss seeing Daryl around town.

Music Monday - Pink rocks

This has been going through my mind all morning (and most of yesterday):


Happy Monday all!

So, what's new with you?

I've been busy, tired, suffering from Spring fever, and a host of other reasons why I have not been posting on here. I am trying to work on myself and my IRL relationships, as well as navigate office ind interpersonal politics, oh and The Boys' school politics too.

Have felt too wrapped up to unravel and post, while at the same time feeling untethered and adrift...

Monday Evening Weekend Wrap Up - Tuesday evening edition

Another crazy weekend that left me sunburnt and exhausted! Also still really busy and unable to finish this until tonight.

Wednesday was rehearsal for The Oldest, a baseball game for The Youngest, I had back to back meetings overlapping both events, and The Dude had to work.

Thursday was baseball practice for The Youngest.

Friday was the usual shift at The Boys' school and because I hadn't seen my friends in 2 weeks, I threw an impromptu playdate at the house. I supplied what I had around the house and everyone brought something. It wrapped up pretty early (for one of these), but was still nice and relaxing.

Saturday was working little league snack bar for 2 hours, followed by working the school spring carnival for an additional 5 1/2 hours. By the end I was fried, both literally and metaphorically. The sun burn has now started to fade, and the muscles have recovered, and I hope I will catch up on sleep tonight.

Sunday was little league picture day, hit-a-thon and jamboree. More time in the sun and The Boys in jumpy houses. Even more tired because this was also my only day to do laundry and The Dude had morning soccer game and had to work in the afternoon. Oh, and he took a nap. I went to bed early.

Monday, I went to the office to pack up my cubicle. This is in anticipation for a move to the one wing in which I have not yet worked. Also, my permanent telecommute agreement is close to being final, so I have to do some major cleaning out of stuff over a decade old...

Today, I drove on a field trip that lasted from 7:15 in the morning until 5:00 at night. This is the big 4th grade trip, riding the train to the state capital, touring the Railroad Museum, Sutter's Fort and the Indian Museum. Fun day, but a long drive, and tiring. Oh, and I still dialed into a conference call and managed not to yell at The Oldest, who was working my last nerve. It didn't help that I also had to deal with parents who turn a blind eye to their own kids' contributions to problems... Thankfully, the teachers are far more adept at that sort of thing :-)

Seriously LOVE this show

Totally NSFW, really. Oh, also should not be viewed by children.


Happy Weekend all!

Monday Morning Weekend Wrap Up

It has been hectic around here. The Boys had Spring break last week and we took a trip to Santa Cruz on Thursday afternoon, having lunch at a favorite of mine - Saturn Cafe. The windy road took it's toll on The Youngest, who vomited about a block away from the Saturn... After lunch, we headed to Mission Santa Cruz, for The Oldest's mission report. After that we spent a couple of hours at the boardwalk and headed home.

Friday afternoon we drove to Turlock to drop off the puppy, and headed to Oakhurst (near the South entrance to Yosemite). The Youngest's DI team was invited to the state tournament at Yosemite High School on Saturday. It snowed on the way, and we were staying up in the mountains with lots of snow. the windy road there took it's toll on the youngest again, with him vomiting in the lobby and outside in the snow. After dinner, we all went to bed. I was exhausted from the stress of snow driving, and the 4+ hours in the car.

Saturday morning was 6:00 up for the 6:30 breakfast buffet, and I had to be at the tournament at 7:30 to work the score room. The challenges were scheduled for 10 and 12:50, after which we were going to go through Yosemite on the way home. The windy drive from the lodge to the high school had The Youngest barfing again, plus I think some nervousness creeped in. The Dude was not thrilled that he was waiting around while I worked and got on my case for volunteering for everything. He doesn't care that I volunteer, as long as it doesn't impact him, which this did... Started getting calls and texts at about 9:15 asking where the team was to meet or be and when. The calls came from a couple of the moms on the team, and The Dude was telling me that the team manager mom had not yet checked in, and was not answering her phone. Ends up, they were staying at the West entrance to Yosemite, and it took them a couple of hours to get through the park, when they thought it would only take 45 minutes. Because the team is young, and not competetive, they just bumped us to the end at 2:15. The Dude and most of the other parents were nearly postal in their anger. I wasn't particularly happy about the situation, but I was also in the scoring room, and outside the drama zone. Because of the lateness of the challenge, no one felt like going to Yosemite, I know I just wanted to go home. Got home, and some friends who'd been in Costa Rica for the last month stopped by to visit.

Sunday was laundry in the morning, and I went to see a local production of The Vagina Monologues, benefiting the local rape crisis center and women's shelter. This is the fourth time I've seen it and I take something away from each and every performance. It is a powerful performance, and I highly recommend seeing it wherever and whenever you can. I've seen it in L.A. with an all star cast, in San Franciso with just Eve Ensler, in San Francisco with an all star cast, and now in Livermore with a local cast, who were just as good as any I've seen.

Happy Monday all!

Tableau Tuesday - Hair

Lately, The Youngest has decided to not cut his hair. At. All. he's 8, in second grade, and that's fine with me.


He was getting lots of flak from parents around when he said, "I am going to grow it to my ankles, because I want to look like a hippy." He's learned a new tactic that shuts them all up though. After his hippy desires are known, and the additional commentary, he says, "Once it gets to my ankles, I'm going to cut it all off and donate it to make wigs for people with cancer."

Man, I love that kid!